Hi. I've had compulsive gambling binges for years. It's earned me a great pile of debt. Each time I have a bad binge I swear I'll never do it again. I'm distraught, overwhelmed with guilt and regret and struggle with the decision of keeping it to myself or telling those close to me.
That's where I am now. Yet again. I'm so incredibly mad at myself!
Last night, after months of no gambling I went on a site (where I'd previously closed an account due to gambling issues) - it wouldn't let me log in. Great!....
It allowed me to open a new account. Not so great.
Also I'd cut up my credit cards before to block myself that way, but good old ipad here had one stored in its auto fill. How very stupid of me. I completely went to town and I racked up another 1200 on the card depositing a hundred here, two hundred there, and I only stopped because my card company wouldn't allow any more transactions.
I was betting silly amounts there was no way I could afford. I know this, so why do I do it?!?
I've been beating myself up all day. I feel absolutely awful at the moment. My phone is on my bed. Do I call my partner and spill the beans?
I don't know if I can. I'm terrified it'll make him want to leave me. I want to leave me!
I hate myself so much right now. Why do I go round in circles and repeat this idiotic behaviour?!
Consequently I've done the usual closing of accounts, deleted the auto fills etc. one thing I've always been terrible at is being consistent with the support available. This site is great, and I'm hoping to check in regularly as a constant reminder of why I mustn't gamble. Gambling is slowly but surely ruining my life and destroying me.
I feel so so bad for the worry it causes those close to me, like my Mum and my partner. It's not fair.
I really really don't want to do this to them, but I know I have to tell my partner. I promised I always would be honest.
Pinky.
I told my partner, then my mum. My mum, bless her is naturally disappointed and angry. I think she feels at a loss because she feels she can't help me. So I feel terrible for putting her through this.
My partner was wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him. I really don't deserve such a wonderful man. He was happy I told him and is being supportive.
I'm still feeling very anxious and depressed about the whole situation, but relieved I'm not facing this alone x
Hi Pinky333 - Well done for admitting your problem to your Mum and your partner. It was a brave step and you have done it. Now you can begin your recovery with the help of this site which will give you loads of support and encouragement. It will be a day at a time for you, but you can do it! We have all experienced the madness of gambling in one form or another - for me it started with small amounts on online bingo and then the slots - winning a lot and then losing it all again. There is a saying that is used a lot on this site: "You cannot win because you cannot stop." Well now you are on the way to stopping. Try to come on the site daily and read other people's posts - they are so inspiring. Keeping a Diary is also a good way of keeping track on your progress and expressing your feelings.
Best wishes for the journey.
Joanna
Thank you Joanna. I've started a diary thread and am hoping it helps me 🙂
I'm so upset today. I feel like such a disappointment. I'm so worried I've messed up my future because of debts. I want to get married and find a place to live, but this gambling has pushed that further away, and the guilt is eating me up today 🙁
I feel terrible. Worthless. Pathetic. An idiot.
Pinky333 - you are not worthless, pathetic or an idiot. You have been brave enough to admit your problem to your partner and Mum, and you are taking positive steps to rid yourself of this life-destroying habit. Give yourself a pat on the back instead of beating yourself up.
Every day that passes without your gambling is a gift to yourself and to your loved ones.
You can do it!
Joanna
I have lost 5000 over the past month. I am at a loss as to how to beat this but I know I must. I feel everything you do. Guilt, worry, anger, resentment and more.
I'm 28 today and lost all my birthday money. I feel disgusting. I have come here because I must beat this. I put silly bets on roulette and didn't pay off. Standard.
Please know, we can beat this.
You can do it!!!! How long were you gamble free before slipping ?
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