I need to stop and I need to stop right now

Hi

I to have been coming and going in my recovery, it ws like being in a rotating door way round and round losing sight of every thing.

I was addicted to gambling of every sort.

I use to think that risking taking was excitement and happiness and it gave me such a buzz.. 

I was seriously addicted to gambling when I was about 13 - 14 years of age on fruit machines.

It was like nothing mattered as all my focus was on the reels and other forms of gambling.

In that split second my life stood still.

Nothing else mattered I did not even matter, I had no value in my self while I was gambling.

The emotional triggers the fears drove me with such force I could not see or feel that my unhealthy  habit was self destructive.

After some time in recovery after breaking out so many times I would understand that my addiction was a form of self abuse, sadly I also hurt my family and people that trusted me.

My emotional triggers were my pains fears frustrations loneliness and my boredom. 

I had a conscience yet sadly the drive in me to escape would overcome my healthy conscience.

The RECOVERY program for me was all about healing the pains of my past.

The RECOVERY program was going to help me help myself become healthier and healthier.

I am a anon religious person and I have been clean from Gambling for over 39 years. 

I have been clean from getting drunk for over 20 years.

I have been clean from drinking tea or coffee for over 20 years.

It was very important to exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits one by one.

Money was never going to heal my pains.

Paying money back to people I had cheated was never going to heal their pains.

Just by me abstaining was never going to heal my pains.

By me abstaining only was never going to heal my pains.

Yet by me abstaining could be the start to me healing my pains.

The longer away my last bet the more likely I am going to make many more healthier choices in my life.

Having a win while in recovery causes more confusion than comfort.

To self exclude is a healthy start, it is a beginning.

Every thing we do t abstain from all unhealthy habits is good for us.

Thank you for sharing a part of your journey in to your recovery.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hey, its lucky you won it back. Could have easily gone the other way. You're one of the lucky ones. The 1%. There's a 99% you'll lose it all again if you don't quit. Whether its sooner or later. 

I was in similar positions to you where I was chasing a few grand. Luckily I won it back but I was literally spinning on the roulette on blacks, last roll of the dice basically. if it had hit red on four separate occasions that i was on my last spin I would've lost 8.5k. Luckily a few of those spins just bounced over to blacks by half a millimeter or so. Thats all it takes to lose it all. Who knows what I would've done had I lost the 8.5k. 

I've got my deposit limits as well as bank card blocks to any gambling transactions and will never remove them. If I play, it will only be with free bets, and if they lose, they lose. Sometimes I do get frustrated when I lose, even with free bets. But at least I'm not allowed to chase due to the blocks.

I'm going to blunt and honest with you.

The title of your post says everything. I need to stop implies that you need to based on the negative consequences that gambling gives you but you obviously don't want to as history keeps repeating itself. 

I believe that it's highly unlikely you will keep this money.

If you are serious about getting a good recovery then you could start implementing all the work that is required to get a good emotional and spiritual recovery. 

Just my opinion 

@walliss77 

Of course I want to stop otherwise I wouldn't have stopped for 4 years previously and wouldn't be here right now. 

As soon as I wrote this post I went to the 3 open accounts I have and set a £10 monthly deposit limit for each. I then installed blocking software on my phone and this morning I'm filling out the GamCare self exclude form and sending it in along with my ID so I can be self excluded for 5 years. 

Because the self exclusion can take around 7 days, initially, anyone that wants to stop has to put barriers in the way and rely on self control and support. 

Of course an addict wants to stop. They always do. Finding the will to stop is the hard part but I feel I do have the will to stop. It's obvious people need to stop something that has a negative impact on them?? If something doesn't have a negative impact on you or others then it's not really a problem is it?? So yes, I do need to stop because of the negative impact gambling has on me 

@freshprince 

Thank you for replying. I'm glad that you've been able to find a way to still have a flutter but ensure it doesn't have a negative impact you. Well done.

I don't believe I can't gamble online at all. If I kept accounts open, there's a chance I'd undo the limits and start binging again and I can't risk that. 

It's always been online gambling for me and solely roulette. I believe I can go into a bookmakers in person and place a bet on the grand national for example if I want to and it wouldn't be an issue. That would be the only options open to me, to physically go in and place a bet but to be honest, placing bets on sports is never something I have done so I'm not sure I would now. In a social aspect, I guess if someone said to me do you want to join our lottery syndicate or go to the races, yes I could do that.

There is online sites like T*****a for example that have site wide deposit limits and maximum stakes of £1 on their arcade games so it would be quite hard for someone to lose control and lose everything on there but I don't want to lose even another pound if I'm honest. 

The winnings went into my bank account last night. They are still there as I set £10 deposit limits on my open accounts and I put blocking software on my phone. 

I intend to phone up my creditors on the DMP this afternoon and pay most of it towards the debt then I'm going to put the rest away towards spending money for a holiday I have booked in August. 

If I hadn't gambled at all this past year, I'd have been able to do those things anyway and actually be better off right now but I did gamble this past year and probably lost about £6k even with keeping this win. Never again, I'm done. 

Roulette and slots are the most addictive in my opinion. Best to just stay away. 

I am currently 71 days gamble free. The hard part is not the initial stopping and putting everything in place, but continuing to heal and overcome the urges and emotional rollercoaster which happens after that. I have learnt you cannot gamble in any measure if you truly want to recover as an addict. A little flutter here, a free bet there, it is still gambling, and believe me it’ll reel you back in again at some point. I never want to gamble again, I won’t even play free games that look like slots. I want my mind to heal and I want to train myself to live and enjoy life without the need for games and gambling. I don’t want  the ups and downs of chance and winning to be my drug anymore.  Good luck on your journey I hope you find it a big help when GameStop kicks in