Hi everyone. As you can imagine, I'm here because I'm addicted to gambling. It's roulette that got me and still has me.
My addiction has essentially been in two phases. 2011-2017 then 2021-present. I didn't gamble between mid 2017 and mid 2021.
I would be here all day even if I tried to summarise my first phase so I will leave that out and stick to the second phase - now.
I don't gamble every day or every week. I binge gamble. I might not gamble for 3 months then I'll go hell for leather gambling all day and all night for maybe 3-4 days, sometimes a week. It's the same cycle every time during those binges. I'll deposit and lose it. Then I'll deposit everything I have in my savings account and I win off that. I'll withdraw the winnings then as soon as it hits my bank I'll deposit it and keep playing and playing until I've lost it all and start depositing more and more until I've made a total a**e of it and lost everything. I can usually ensure I keep bill and living money but I'll use savings, overdraft etc. I can't get loans or credit cards due to the first phase because I racked up so much debt that I'm in a DMP and have been since 2017.
I have been on a binge since last Tuesday. I have only not gambled for 1 day since last Tuesday and that's because I had to wait for a withdrawal to go into my bank. I had some money in savings and used that to win at the end of last week. I then went on a mad spree with it over the weekend and continually deposited and withdrew so much that I've lost count. Then last night at 11pm I decided I could win more as I always do. I sat until 4am this morning and lost most of it. The site I was using even had to stop me saying I had reached a loss limit (due to sheer amount of activity) in the middle of a spin so I withdrew the money. It was in my account within half an hour so I went to another site and deposited and lost it. So I had nothing, only my overdraft, bill and living money left. I was exhausted, anxious and just totally furious with myself.
I took my son to school then came home and sat at my kitchen table. I'd had 2 hours of sleep. I was in total despair thinking I'd lost that money I'd won but on top of that, blown money that took months and months to save.
I decided I would use my overdraft on another site. I felt like I had messed everything up anyway so it couldn't get any worse. I might as well just spend it all, get into more debt and be done with it.
I'm sitting there placing bets on roulette all morning sat at my kitchen table. Then after 2 and a half hours, I've won back everything I lost earlier this morning. I was elated, relieved, happy and withdrew it. It's more of an old school site so a withdrawal takes a day or two to arrive so no chance of me getting it within half an hour and blowing it again.
I then had to quickly tidy up and get myself sorted and I started talking to myself. I was saying to myself out loud "how did you manage to win all that back?" And various other things. I think I have actually lost the plot now and it scared me a lot.
It's probably not common for people to post saying they want to quit after a win but I need to stop gambling right now. My sanity is at risk. I can't face another night awake watching that wheel turn and feeling like I'm going to pass out when my balance is nearing zero. Blowing this (in the grand scheme of things) small win and not actually doing anything good with it is not an option.
I quite cold turkey last time. I just stopped but that's because I cleared everything out and there was nothing to gamble with.
I know what I need to do. I need to self exclude through GamCare and I need to put a blocking app on my phone but in order to not go and gamble right now or in the next couple of hours, I need support and I'd really appreciate any support you guys can offer because if I stop now, there's a chance I can have a normal life soon. I'm worried about my state of mind if I carry on, whether I win or lose.
Thank you for reading
Hi
I to have been coming and going in my recovery, it ws like being in a rotating door way round and round losing sight of every thing.
I was addicted to gambling of every sort.
I use to think that risking taking was excitement and happiness and it gave me such a buzz..
I was seriously addicted to gambling when I was about 13 - 14 years of age on fruit machines.
It was like nothing mattered as all my focus was on the reels and other forms of gambling.
In that split second my life stood still.
Nothing else mattered I did not even matter, I had no value in my self while I was gambling.
The emotional triggers the fears drove me with such force I could not see or feel that my unhealthy habit was self destructive.
After some time in recovery after breaking out so many times I would understand that my addiction was a form of self abuse, sadly I also hurt my family and people that trusted me.
My emotional triggers were my pains fears frustrations loneliness and my boredom.
I had a conscience yet sadly the drive in me to escape would overcome my healthy conscience.
The RECOVERY program for me was all about healing the pains of my past.
The RECOVERY program was going to help me help myself become healthier and healthier.
I am a anon religious person and I have been clean from Gambling for over 39 years.
I have been clean from getting drunk for over 20 years.
I have been clean from drinking tea or coffee for over 20 years.
It was very important to exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits one by one.
Money was never going to heal my pains.
Paying money back to people I had cheated was never going to heal their pains.
Just by me abstaining was never going to heal my pains.
By me abstaining only was never going to heal my pains.
Yet by me abstaining could be the start to me healing my pains.
The longer away my last bet the more likely I am going to make many more healthier choices in my life.
Having a win while in recovery causes more confusion than comfort.
To self exclude is a healthy start, it is a beginning.
Every thing we do t abstain from all unhealthy habits is good for us.
Thank you for sharing a part of your journey in to your recovery.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Hey, its lucky you won it back. Could have easily gone the other way. You're one of the lucky ones. The 1%. There's a 99% you'll lose it all again if you don't quit. Whether its sooner or later.
I was in similar positions to you where I was chasing a few grand. Luckily I won it back but I was literally spinning on the roulette on blacks, last roll of the dice basically. if it had hit red on four separate occasions that i was on my last spin I would've lost 8.5k. Luckily a few of those spins just bounced over to blacks by half a millimeter or so. Thats all it takes to lose it all. Who knows what I would've done had I lost the 8.5k.
I've got my deposit limits as well as bank card blocks to any gambling transactions and will never remove them. If I play, it will only be with free bets, and if they lose, they lose. Sometimes I do get frustrated when I lose, even with free bets. But at least I'm not allowed to chase due to the blocks.
I'm going to blunt and honest with you.
The title of your post says everything. I need to stop implies that you need to based on the negative consequences that gambling gives you but you obviously don't want to as history keeps repeating itself.
I believe that it's highly unlikely you will keep this money.
If you are serious about getting a good recovery then you could start implementing all the work that is required to get a good emotional and spiritual recovery.
Just my opinion
Of course I want to stop otherwise I wouldn't have stopped for 4 years previously and wouldn't be here right now.
As soon as I wrote this post I went to the 3 open accounts I have and set a £10 monthly deposit limit for each. I then installed blocking software on my phone and this morning I'm filling out the GamCare self exclude form and sending it in along with my ID so I can be self excluded for 5 years.
Because the self exclusion can take around 7 days, initially, anyone that wants to stop has to put barriers in the way and rely on self control and support.
Of course an addict wants to stop. They always do. Finding the will to stop is the hard part but I feel I do have the will to stop. It's obvious people need to stop something that has a negative impact on them?? If something doesn't have a negative impact on you or others then it's not really a problem is it?? So yes, I do need to stop because of the negative impact gambling has on me
Thank you for replying. I'm glad that you've been able to find a way to still have a flutter but ensure it doesn't have a negative impact you. Well done.
I don't believe I can't gamble online at all. If I kept accounts open, there's a chance I'd undo the limits and start binging again and I can't risk that.
It's always been online gambling for me and solely roulette. I believe I can go into a bookmakers in person and place a bet on the grand national for example if I want to and it wouldn't be an issue. That would be the only options open to me, to physically go in and place a bet but to be honest, placing bets on sports is never something I have done so I'm not sure I would now. In a social aspect, I guess if someone said to me do you want to join our lottery syndicate or go to the races, yes I could do that.
There is online sites like T*****a for example that have site wide deposit limits and maximum stakes of £1 on their arcade games so it would be quite hard for someone to lose control and lose everything on there but I don't want to lose even another pound if I'm honest.
The winnings went into my bank account last night. They are still there as I set £10 deposit limits on my open accounts and I put blocking software on my phone.
I intend to phone up my creditors on the DMP this afternoon and pay most of it towards the debt then I'm going to put the rest away towards spending money for a holiday I have booked in August.
If I hadn't gambled at all this past year, I'd have been able to do those things anyway and actually be better off right now but I did gamble this past year and probably lost about £6k even with keeping this win. Never again, I'm done.
Roulette and slots are the most addictive in my opinion. Best to just stay away.
I am currently 71 days gamble free. The hard part is not the initial stopping and putting everything in place, but continuing to heal and overcome the urges and emotional rollercoaster which happens after that. I have learnt you cannot gamble in any measure if you truly want to recover as an addict. A little flutter here, a free bet there, it is still gambling, and believe me it’ll reel you back in again at some point. I never want to gamble again, I won’t even play free games that look like slots. I want my mind to heal and I want to train myself to live and enjoy life without the need for games and gambling. I don’t want the ups and downs of chance and winning to be my drug anymore. Good luck on your journey I hope you find it a big help when GameStop kicks in
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