I won last Friday, more than I thought I would ever win. The online casino I use only would let me withdraw a certain amount each week. I withdrew and planned to keep some money in the account to withdraw the following week thinking there was no way I'd drop below that. I managed to blow through all that was on my casino account and still deposited again. Now I have only a small amount of winnings left. That was so much money to be I'm in disbelief and hurting so much. I owe my fiancee money still from our trip away and when I was up that much it would have been so easy to pay her back with no stress. I'm ashamed of myself and can't talk to anyone about it.
Even now I still have the urge, but I keep telling myself if I can just keep the money that that I am up still and tbh do not deserve it anyway. I self excluded when too when I was still up but found non gamstop sites to play on. I'm really struggling now 🙁 my fiancée lives in America and already has so much more saved up than me. I am planning on moving there this year. If I just managed to control myself I would be in such a better position it's killing me. And yet I still want to gamble in hopes I'll get it back.
Feeling guilt shame regret helps us understand that we have a healthy conscience, that deep down we are healthy.
Feeling guilt shame and regret also helps us understand that we are not healing our pains in a healthy way.
The gambling establishments never hurt me I hurt my self.
If a person has cancer should they feel guilt shame and regret, makes no sense what so ever.
In time in my recovery I understood that only once I abstained for a good period of time from my gambling other addictions and obsessions could the healing process start.
Pains caused fears I did not understand.
Why did I fear step four, why did I fear being honest.
As a child when ever I was asked to be honest I was punished for being honest.
Only one time in my child hood was I rewarded for being honest.
In the recovery meetings I started to open up in my therapies.
By sharing honest therapies not talking about money gambling just exposing how emotionally vulnerable I was.
In the old days I use to think that if people laughed during theraspies that they were laughing at other people.
Then I understood that when some one showed how unhealthy I use to be I was in effect laughing at my self and who I use to be.
Healthy meetings have healthy therapies.
Healthy therapies led to meetings after meetings talking out side the meeting places.
Some times people come out of meetings with more questions than answers.
In time our honesty and therapies were very powerful.
When a person has broken out gambling we clap the person, not for going back gambling but for being so strong in being honest.
I never thought that I would understand why I gambled.
I never thought that I had it in me to become healthier and wiser.
Once I saw my self as an equal to all people in the meetings I understood that if another person can achieve more in their life, then I can to.
My life up to 8 years of age was very painful.
Then after going from Canada to England the pains inflicted on me got far worse.
I never thought that I would stop feeling like a very emotionally vulerable victim.
I got understand that a person who is a victim can stop being the victim by talking things out and setting boundaries from a place of peace.
I had done Karate for two years and only then understod that I had a fear of aggression.
That fear of aggression came from unhealthy people dumping on me.
Sadly unhealthy people transfered all their pains fears and frustrations on to poor little me.
How motivated am I today.
How much more time and affort am I willing to place in to my getting even more healthier today.
No one could stop me gambling.
No one could make me love my self.
No one could make me respect my self.
No one could stop me from living in my fears.
The gambling never hurt me I hurt my self.
How much do I want to be healthy today.
Love and peace to eveery one.
Dave of Beckenham
If you are subscribed to GAMSTOP but you are still managing to find non GAMSTOP websites, then I would suggest installing GamBan. This software blocks all gambling websites, even unlicensed foreign ones. If you apply for a license to GamBan through GamCare or other problem gambling support services, you can install it on your devices for free.
From my personal experience with gambling, I can say that I use GamBan and I find it helpful because as I mentioned, it blocks access to all gambling websites. Before I installed GamBan, I was also using foreign gambling websites and losing my money. Fortunately, I decided to quit before I lost enough to cause me serious financial problems but without GamBan, I believe I would be in a much worse position than I am in now.
Lastly, I would not recommend any gambling companies, or any form of gambling, especially foreign companies. When you gamble on a foreign website, you are effectively gambling your money with an unlicensed company, who do not have to follow any UK gambling regulations, and make up their own biased conditions.
I hope this is helpful.
By going to meetings I learned to stop huring my self.
By going to meetings I learned to start to live a much healthier life.
By going to meetings I would learn to abstain from gambling.
Once I was able to abstain from gambling then the healing started on e and my hurt inner child.
Dave of Beckenham
@9cxh4qes25 Thank you I only just seen this reply. I will install Gameban. I only wish I had found and done it sooner when I was in the midst of losing what I had win. I tell myself reality is I didn't deserve what I won in the first place and it serves me right for doing what I did. I am in the same position financially near enough as when I started so now I am just trying to be grateful I haven't done more damage to myself. Appreciate the reply thank you and I am definitely installing Gameban now as I did know I could get it for free.
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