I've started again..

I'm physically kicking myself and really upset with myself for all of this. So early last year was when it started. I just placed a pound on a local football team winning and they did. I think I won £3.60 in returns or something, and it started from there. I played around with other teams that were playing and ended up having around £12 on my account after starting the full day with £10. It was an interesting day for me.

But after that, I started to dabble around with the online roulette, they gave me free money but it had wagering requirements of so much before I could withdraw. I kept winning until that wagering requirement came to an end, and then it caused me to lose. I was around £50, and then I lost my initial £10. I was gutted over that £10 and tried to win it back, getting myself from £10, to £50, to £120. Once it got to £120 I was seriously kicking myself. I sold a few games and things just to see that money in my account again because it was unsettling. But then a few weeks later that £120 got to around £200. But then I won it back, I was so happy. But then it was in my head that it was so easy to win back, I got greedy and wanted more..

For around a month, I kept winning and losing money, but eventually I was in profit and I told myself that I've had enough scares now, it's about time I stopped. I managed to for a few days but then I started again. I just kept placing stupid money on roulette, I was in a daze and didn't even realise at all what I was actually doing, then once the money was gone, my head was in such a mess I'd forgot I'd even gambled it. I kept praying and praying to god that if he gave me that money back, I would never gamble again.

My bank's fraud department phoned me up asking if £1500 worth of transactions had recently been placed, and I said no. I can't have placed all that much and even to this day I don't think I did. But they'd noticed suspicious activity on various different things and I got that money back. And I stuck to that promise and I never did gamble again.

Anyway, early this year I just went into this stage of depression, and I didn't know why. But I walked past a casino one evening and saw a poster with a photo of a roulette wheel and the ball on 0. Everything just came flooding back to me and I realised that I was missing that buzz. But I still managed to stay gamble free.

But around two weeks ago, I started. See one thing keeping me away from it, was my girlfriend who told me she didn't want me to. She knows some of my story, but I was talking to her these few weeks ago and she told me that the odd bet every now and then isn't too bad. So I started with the football. Winning and losing and I did lose. Part of me wanted to chase it, and part of me wasn't bothered. I think I have lost a bit over these past few weeks but it's alright to me..

But it's getting a bit out of control again I feel. I mean I've won a few extra pounds this weekend, but I literally haven't closed the app on my phone, it's been constant. All day yesterday and even all morning and part of the afternoon today. But I'm hurt, because I touched roulette again. I lost a fiver but I won it back, and when I won it back, I instantly disabled the app for the rest of the week because I need to stop..