Needed to share

Hi.

I have been fighting my gambling addiction about 12 years.

I had a large relapse around November last year. Post Christmas I managed to put together 6 months free.

Well the last 3 weeks has seen me slip back into the habit. I have lost very substantial amounts in about 5-10 heavy online sessions..the most recent of which just ended.

I feel hollow. We all know it, that terribly regretful, empty, alone feeling. I have not put myself in a precarious financial position, although I have erased hours of hard honest work in what seems like moments. I can only reflect that the periods of abstinence make me put off or forget putting adequate controls in place. I am under work stress and capitulated basically, which seems to be my default response to stress.

I'm sad that I can't seem to protect myself from the harm I cause, and tired of the fight that seems to endure even when I pray that I'm past it.

I know I have to stabilise again...as I always do. But the will to fight is eroded more each time this cycle concludes. I look back st how much better off I would have been without these very destructive episodes.

I gave this problem pretty much alone and in secret apart from the off time I have attended a GA meeting to confess my sins.

At 32 years old I feel I am what I will always be as a person. I think I might have some sort of issue that can only be solved with some kind of treatment...but I just don't know how this could work if I am honest. I seem to spend my entire life in a fight with myself. I don't gamble for months or years and then blow loads and almost got used to the rebuilding phase. Whenever I feel like I am about emerging I seem to self destruct.

I had to share this tonight as it is an immense burden on my shoulders and perhaps the community on here are the only ones that really understand.

Thank you for reading.