Hi all,
I hope you are all keeping well, and I wish each and every single one of you all the best in overcoming your addictions.
I have been on this forum for 3 years now. I have been up and down with stopping and starting gambling, but like many people the lockdown hit which gave me far too much free time, and the old habits hit hard again.
I am already in 25k debt, and luckily my credit rating is so awful I can’t get into any more. This payday (5 days ago) I did something I haven’t done in a while, and spent my entire wages in 8 hours.
I am signed up to Gamban for 5 years, but there was somewhere I could still play. I have now excluded from absolutely everywhere.
The problem has been that I have been winning quite frequently, but as you know the story.. it all goes back into the machine. So winning isn’t actually what ever happens.
I have hit rock bottom before (mental breakdown), and I have stopped for short periods, and felt quite strong. But this time I don’t feel strong. The only difference this time is that I have had a massive realisation that even if I won a years salary in a day, why would it matter? I would just spend it (and more) continuing to gamble. I’m actually sick of the cycle now, and the Penny dropped a few days ago that I will NEVER EVER win, unless I stop at start winning at life!
I suffer with depression and as we know it goes hand in hand with addiction. I am scared to start my journey again, because I’m petrified of failing again. But I know that I must start my journey again to have any kind of life, and to be the best person I can be for my partner and family.
Has anyone else ever just felt completely flat? fed up of the lying, fed up on not even being able to buy a packet of chewing gum, and fed up of letting their loved ones down? I have usually gone into my journey full of motivation, and determined to become gamble free.
This time I just feel so mentally drained and fed up, but it’s almost spurring me on more to stop than my usual feelings of positivity.
I want my life back, but I think this time I need to take it one day at a time, rather than just focusing on the end goal. I’m starting counselling soon, and I really hope it’ll get to the root of my self destruction
sorry to go on, and thanks to anyone who listened. I just needed to vent out loud, and get the thoughts out of my head
Hello @findinghope30,
Thank you for coming to the forum and for sharing your story.
I am sorry hear how you have been affected by the roller-coaster of ups and downs in your gambling and how this has impacted you both financially and mentally. Many people have experienced challenges during lockdown so you are not on your own.
Gambling can have a huge effect on your self-esteem and self-worth. You are not a bad person, just someone who is suffering with problem gambling, and the important thing to acknowledge is you have reached out here, and that is really positive. Although you are feeling fed up, which is completely normal, I can hear the desire and motivation for a better life for you and your family, and as you said one day at a time will build resilience into your recovery.
If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP surrounding your depression, and any other feelings you may be experiencing currently.
Should you be in need of any further support with your recovery, please feel free to contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat available from the website https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/ both of which are open seven days a week, 24 hours a day and where one of our advisers will be able to talk, for as long as you need, and look at all the support available to you.
Wishing you all the very best and keep sharing,
Regards
Dan
Forum Admin
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