1st day of Gamstop.

Today, just feeling quite overwhelmed and guilty.. Can't believe I spent the last 7 years just gambling and lying and ruining friendships!  I know that it will take time and yesterday I actually didn't feel quite so bad... But today I feel like a lost cause! Even though I am of course so glad that I put Gamstop in place and I don't have any thoughts of wanting to gamble at all!  The reality of what I've done and how I've damaged myself and others is really hitting me hard.

I don't know how to forgive myself so how can I expect others to forgive me? I used to be so moral??

I am sorry for putting such miserable post!! I know it will get better.. But I would appreciate anyone else's advice or thoughts on how you helped yourself in your own forgiveness? As I know this is where road to recovery begins!

Thank you so much ?

Hi Joannieb,

I do understand why you are feeling the guilt but the important thing I would say is to try and focus on the end goal of being gamble free. You should be proud with the fact that one day you are going to feel like a success story even though it may not feel like it today, anybody that you feel like you've let down will be filled with pride and this period of your life that was pained by gambling will one day be your greatest accomplishment.

I'm not a particularly spiritual person but I do believe that everything in life that happens is just part of our journey and how we respond to these challenges either adds a little bit or takes away from our character.

For me I'm trying to look at gambling addiction as a short chapter in my book and to use it to learn more about myself and hopefully grow because of the experience, try not too focus on the time and money lost but the experience gained because you cannot change the past.

I would focus on the future and be proud because one day you can be one of the few that successfully overcome this addiction and use your journey to inspire others in a similar position.

It's 5 months for me today and I'm feeling really positive about my recovery for the first time in years, I wish you the best, good luck!

Hi, I found sincere apologies to those I had wronged by letter if someone won't take calls was a good start. Some people won't be interested as I found people view gambling addiction as different to addiction to drugs or alcohol, but still I just quietly said " I'm sorry I didn't intend to hurt anyone I got caught up in a downward spiral that I couldn't get out of, now I'm getting the help that I need to recover"  " I hope you can support me in getting better but I understand if you can't " Guilt will eat away at you and you need to find your way to deal with it, I can't remember, are you going to have counselling? Truthfully I had a wonderful therapist who was very skilled at addiction therapy particularly gambling and she really helped with the " forgiving myself " . Have you thought that maybe ....your mental health is poor or you suffer with anxiety/depression? Yes we need to take responsibility for our actions but drawing a line in the same and getting the determination to show people we are working at recovery is the most important thing. Don't get stuck in a cycle of self hatred....do you believe that basically you are a good person who went off the rails ? Then let it shine !! I try to find a way to help people if I can without rewarding myself or thinking I did well there. I'm trying very hard to be a better version of myself, being a compulsive gambler doesn't define me and neither does it define you.... Dig deep you can do this

Thank you both Charlie and Ct!! So kind of you ? and very helpful advice.. Its great to have such empathetic and insightful support.  I appreciate that you have both come through such struggles yourself and obviously further along the recovery path than myself... I really applaud you both.  Thing is when it's somebody else I see is struggling and has or is battling to overcome their addiction I can empathise and never judgemental.. But when it comes to myself I'm constantly beating myself up.

I haven't spoken to my family really and of course when I stopped albeit 6 days ago! I wanted to tell people how much it had taken for me to finally put gambling addiction to bed so to speak.. But I couldn't speak to my family about it as a) there wouldn't be a well done you or sorry you've gone through this all on your own... B) I think there would be big judgement..  My sister in law is not a happy woman and can be quite judgemental well alot!! And for some reason is quite resentful of me??

I do have a lovely therapist from beacon and she knows alot of the traumatic things that have happened leading up to gambling and since.. She feels like I've hidden myself away for years and it's true and I really lost my ability to stand up for myself I think, because of shame.  But I actually think I'm angry, at myself at members of my family... As I was always kind and moral and I never walked away from any person who was suffering.. I was always told that I was too soft.. Then when I started struggling through compulsive gambling and the alcohol that came with it!!  I had my sister saying I had aspergers (I don't) my doctor told me it was ridiculous.. Then again from my sister  should write a book called woman interrupted (play on film "girl interrupted")  about a girl who ended up in mental institution!  I wasn't insane.. My brother laughing saying in front of people that I was from la a land.. My friend in the States told me to not have anything to do with them.. Bear in mind that previous to my change in behaviour I was seen as very positive and someone who could do anything they put their mind to.. Just so many words that have hurt and although I know that I can't blame anyone for my gambling.. I have to own that.. I don't feel I want to apologise to them for my behaviour as alot the hurt is what kept me emotionally vulnerable.  I do feel I have to apologise to some friends and feel so bad about harming my relationship with them for sure!!

I do know I have good intentions and I have never been a person with malice, I have always said that bitter people just harm themselves and I have said this to my brother, actually a few of them who are bitter and have told me so... I do realise that alot of the hurtful comments I've had have just been projection but even at my unhappiest I don't think I have tried to take another's light away thinking that it will make mine shine brighter.. Oh dear I'm going off on a tangent now!! Sorry..

I guess I'm working through things in my own way, coming to terms with the aftermath of gambling!!??

Apologies for waffling on for so long!!

Not waffling being open and honest with both us and yourself and it's good for you. And don't feel as if you're strange or different a lot of what you said could be me !! I've been called la la and a bit of the black sheep of the family. Also I nursed for 30years addiction is high amongst nurses, I still can't walk away from someone in need. 30 years in nursing I learnt not to judge people and looked after people from all walks of life and loved it diversity enriches you as a person. On a personal note I've been used a lot over the years and I bet you can relate to that.

Oh Charlie! Thank you! ? It's so nice to have someone I can relate to!  I can imagine that you have been taken advantage of in the past as you are so empathetic!  It's really hard when people have said you need to toughen up and not be so sensitive... I think they people who are bitter and say unkind things should not take their own unhappiness out on others! If everybody spoke to each other in a sensitive way then there wouldn't be so much anger?

You know pre me moving back north I lived such a flibberdigibit life lol! Basically running here there and everywhere.. Planes trains and automobiles! With no plan ??‍♀️ maybe running away or in search of something?? I was quite brave I think?  Then when I couldn't work I went back to uni to do a degree in creative writing, never used it??

I have had some amazing opportunities come my way but walked away and I think that was down to low self worth... But I had alot of stories to tell I guess... The thing is I realised that some people in my family resented my stories but I never understood why as that was just an ordinary person (me) ending up in unusual circumstances.. Some very amusing but some not amusing I don't tell...

So some in my family don't know many of the bad things that happened whilst I was away and have created this glamorous adventurous picture.. Not real? Then been envious... Honestly my friend in the states who has lived through so much with me knows different.

I'm doing it again Charlie!! I'm just pouring out all this hurt.. Sorry? 

You carry on pouring it out, it's better out in the open than inside festering !! I'm always here and I'm happy to listen. At the beginning of my recovery I was so grateful to those who took the time to give me advice, and that advice is what has got me to where I am now, and will take me forward.

You have done so well!! You are clearly a very nice person ? I miss so many lovely friends who unfortunately live far away! And my friend in states has been the most loyal friend I could ever wish for! And this is where I feel so sad that I will never get our friendship back the way it used to be 🙁  she sent me money every month for 3 years and most of that went on gambling!!! Just awful!!

Time will tell I guess?? ?  The first thing she did when I told her I was gambling.. She spoje to a psychologist friend of hers, out of concern.. 

Not all my family would be the same.. It would be more judgement and I was obviously now a very damaged person!!  Probably needing sectioning ? 

So you see why I may not want to have an open and honest conversation with them? 

I don't think I'm quite insane well not yet ?

So strange, don't actually miss the slots!!? But recognise that there is a big void!! So filling that void with void at the moment!! ? But it won't last?? And I think added pounds on my waist is better than thousands of pounds lost on gambling!!

It is of course early days for me!! But I'm looking forward to getting to 14!!

Good luck to all ?

Congratulations Joannie on your excellent progress in recovery. I admire your positive approach and respect your courage and determination.

I have learned a great deal about myself through reading your wonderful diary and was impressed by the wisdom of gamcare friends who contributed to it. 

The name Joannie means Gracious and I do believe that is fitting for the delightful person you are.

Aum ?

Aum!! How lovely of you ? thank you for your kind words.. Much appreciated! You are so right that people on this forum are so generous with their support.. Thank you Charlie boy and CT rewired ?

When you have been to such a low place with this horrible addiction and your self esteem has been on the floor! It's inspiring and encouraging to find people who can relate and empathise with you.. And who have proven that we can recover and have a fullfilling life again or one maybe we have always been looking for but never really felt we deserved it?

I would love to hear more about your story Aum? And if my diary helps you in any way then that truly makes me feel joy!

Thank you ?

Feeling quite down today.. The stopping of gambling makes you really reflect on the wasted years and the loss of friends and the shame of your behaviour all that time.. I know there will be days like this!! Just hard.. I don't miss slots at all... I'm just realising the void it has left.. Leaves too much time to think! So better make sure I have busier days ahead ?

Good luck everyone ?

Sorry you have been feeling down today Joannie.

Compulsive gamblers in recovery are often troubled by feelings of guilt, remorse and regret which is understandable I suppose but not necessarily helpful.

The past is over and a line needs to be drawn under it. Congratulate yourself on having the courage to change and the wisdom to know what changes need to be made. 

Be gentle with yourself and if ever you are feeling sad than remember that tomorrow is always another day. 

One day at a time is a great approach to recovery but the mental trauma suffered through gambling can take time to resolve itself. 

Be patient and have faith in a better tomorrow. Be proud of who you are and treat yourself with kindness and respect. 

Aum ?

Thank you Aum ? yes, yesterday was  pretty down day.. I think more than anything I was dwelling on how much I'd isolated myself and hidden myself away from the outside world!

Also because of the shame, losing my sense of self and letting certain people speak to me in an appropriate way... So with this regret comes a sense of anger at myself and others for hurt they caused.  Now I don't like to hurt people or speak with malice.. But part of me wants to now tell people how their words hurt me.. At the same time I want to let it go? As I might just feel worse for being confrontational!!

I know this seems unrelated to gambling!! But I feel that the gambling started as a way of coping with hurt?? Then it became all consuming and compulsive and I can't blame others for that!

I know I will eventually draw a line under the past 7 years, but it will take time, I just wish I could fast forward ? but hey it will soon be 2 weeks!!

Thank you again for your kind words and support.. You are obviously an empathetic person as I've found so many on this forum.  I admire everyone's honesty and bravery to be so open on this platform... Feel very grateful to have a voice on here, without any fear of judgement.

Good luck to all and thank you Aum for your support ?

Its very tough, for you its 7 years, for me its 20, I wish id stopped after 7. What I thought was a hobby was actually the biggest driver in my life, all the way to destruction. 

I could have had so much, now I got nothing. Its a long way back. One step at a time. The best thing is to do is not set long term targets, just wanting to win this battle, after 20 years of defeats.