*** 2019 *** Climbing the Gamcare Mountain

Hi Stephen , hope you are keeping well ...... well done on 40 days without a bet , a good solid foundation on which to start 2019, lets make it a year to remember a year in which we give no more of our money away, they have had enough from us over the years, the past is done we cant change it but we can have a better future by not gambling .... easier said than done i know ..... keep up the good work you are doing great and a big help to others on here , myself included.

Great to see you powering through the GF days Stephen, January is usually a bit grim but I'm taking it as new beginnings drinking wise and continuing to be GF. Too cold though!! Thank you for encouraging and inspiring many, including me, take care S x

Many thanks to Chartom & Sharon for posting on my 2019 diary.

You are both a real inspiration to me with 397 & 665 days gamble free and I hope I can follow your wonderful examples. On occasions when I do feel a bit vulnerable, it makes me feel better knowing that gamcare friends are in my corner.

I have been awake since 4 am after repeatedly waking up with troublesome dreams, so just been on my tablet, browsing through the news from around the world. That was a bit depressing so I put my headphones on and listened to some music instead...stephen

Be your own Angel.
Stephen.

41 days is brilliant. Keep going hunni. 42 days in 4 mins.

Goodnight
Bella xx

Hi Stephen

Well done in your continued gambling free life, amazing how the days tick by. Over 6 weeks gambling free is not easy to do, keep doing what you are doing and everything else will fall into place.

Shaun

Thank you Bella, Shaun and Caughtup for posting on my diary. Congratulations to you all on your excellent progress.

I feel sad and ashamed because yesterday I gambled and am now back on day one. I started the day feeling quite positive but then my thoughts just turned to gambling.

I can't really explain my stupidity or give a reason for what I did. Christmas had come and gone, all my bills were paid and I had sufficient on my Asda gift card for food etc. Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I got on a bus, travelled to a betting shop were I was not self excluded and lost what money I had. I felt quite distraught when I had nothing left to lose but on reflection it was good that I lost because it meant I had to come off the machines and return to my home....stephen

Hi stephen

I’ve followed your diaries for quite some time now, you give a very positive contribution to many members, yet when it comes to Stephen you seem to lack that bit between the teeth.

I don’t want to be negative at all but when will Stephen show himself the same care he shows to everyone else?

How many diaries will we see before there’s any change in the routine?

What will you do this time that you haven’t done in the other 22 diary’s?

You can’t just wish addiction away Stephen, you have to have a solid plan. You’ve mentioned ga didn’t work , giving your friend your money doesn’t work , self exclusions don’t work.

They do work Stephen you just don’t want them too.

When you want them to work they will ,they’ve worked for untold amounts of addicts, what makes you different.

Hopefully my post comes over well intended, I’d rather be real with you than just give you the old arm on the shoulder everything will be ok approach.

Many thanks Sandra & Gem for taking the time and trouble to post on my diary. I appreciate your advice, encouragement and support.

There is nothing left in my armory but good old fashioned will power and a desire to do what is right and proper.

I attended GA on numerous occasions but it never stopped me gambling. I appreciate that the camaraderie might be a help to some but sadly not for me. I fail to see how sitting in a room discussing gambling addiction with fellow addicts is going to stifle my desire to gamble.

I do like the idea of having a higher power to turn to for comfort and advice and regularly talk to my angels. However, when I make a conscious decision to gamble I ask the angels to leave me alone.

My gambling is an open book to all my family and close friends so its not something I try to hide.

I have no family close by to look after my finances and to be honest I wouldn't want them to anyway. I have however, entrusted my bank card to close friends on several occasions but always let them down by going to the bank with my driving licence to withdraw money and when I had lost that, asking for my bank card back.

I try to widen my horizons by doing a course at college, attending a gym, dancing and socialising with friends.

I enjoyed 12 counselling sessions through GamCare and went 6 months without gambling. That was my big chance but I threw it away. However, I see no point in having further counselling because everything has already been covered.

The good news is I haven't lost hope and I have no intention of giving in ...stephen

Hi Stephen, sorry to hear that you're back to day one. I know how much your comments and stories have inspired me (and, no doubt many others!) so please keep that positive attitude.

I'm just wondering, (and, as you know I am no expert) if you have given in a bit too easily with counselling and/or GA meetings? I was surprised to read how you dismiss them, and wonder if you might reconsider that? After all, you speak so eloquently about your struggles and you clearly put the time in reflecting and responding on here. Why not revisit some more counselling sessions, or take a look at GA? Just, you know, in the spirit of an open mind? Investigate why you keep looking for ways to throw money away?

Anyways, that’s my humble idea, I hope you're feeling positive today and you are ready to move on! One day at a time and all that!

Self Sufficient Stephen wrote:

Thank you Bella, Shaun and Caughtup for posting on my diary. Congratulations to you all on your excellent progress.

I feel sad and ashamed because yesterday I gambled and am now back on day one. I started the day feeling quite positive but then my thoughts just turned to gambling.

I can't really explain my stupidity or give a reason for what I did. Christmas had come and gone, all my bills were paid and I had sufficient on my Asda gift card for food etc. Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I got on a bus, travelled to a betting shop were I was not self excluded and lost what money I had. I felt quite distraught when I had nothing left to lose but on reflection it was good that I lost because it meant I had to come off the machines and return to my home....stephen

Hello Stephen
Oh dear.. Well.................................
Draw a line under it.. Put a pound in the jar and you start again. Ban yourself from that shop. Next time you need a bus ride out, go do something else.

But.. Tomorrow is a new day, new start and onwards and upwards.. Up that mountain you go.

No more mudslides?

Dreary weather isn't it. Bit of sunshine or blue skies needed.

Write some poetry or write a book on the insight of your life, you're certainly clever enough.

Goodnight
Bella xx

Gem1209 wrote:

Hi stephen

I’ve followed your diaries for quite some time now, you give a very positive contribution to many members, yet when it comes to Stephen you seem to lack that bit between the teeth.

I don’t want to be negative at all but when will Stephen show himself the same care he shows to everyone else?

How many diaries will we see before there’s any change in the routine?

What will you do this time that you haven’t done in the other 22 diary’s?

You can’t just wish addiction away Stephen, you have to have a solid plan. You’ve mentioned ga didn’t work , giving your friend your money doesn’t work , self exclusions don’t work.

They do work Stephen you just don’t want them too.

When you want them to work they will ,they’ve worked for untold amounts of addicts, what makes you different.

Hopefully my post comes over well intended, I’d rather be real with you than just give you the old arm on the shoulder everything will be ok approach.

Nicely put Gem.

No point anyone shouting at you, and the there there approach we give to kids when they fallen.

I changed address, telephone number, and I refuse to allow gambling sites to know my new details ever.

You have to decide, if you want to stop then stop. The last week I've been betrayed and insulted from a friend known 34 yrs it's hurt me to the core, I cried yesterday but, I never gave in to the voices, I heard the evil trolls telling me to have a gamble, it will be fun.

But no chance, it won't be fun. What was fun about losing all your money babes? The buzz? The thrill?

You can do this. All those attempts add them all up.. Minus the failed days. Where would you be now love? Right at the top of that mountain shouting hello I did it!

Come on.. That hike is worth it.

Nearly day 2 for you.
Get the book Shaun told you about Allen Carr and read it. Keep reading it.
You will do this.
Bella xx

So Stephen
Try again eh, keep pushing the demons away, and I will chat with you tomorrow?
Goodnight hunni,
Bella xx

Thank you Lil & Bella. I appreciate your wise words, advice and encouragement.

Yesterday evening I went with my lady friend to the cinema and then a restaurant. Following the meal I tried to explain to her why I had put all my money in the fobt machines. She is very supportive and we have been friends for years but she cannot for the life of her understand why I choose to do it time after time after time.

It is indeed a mystery. I am 3 days gamble free now and at peace with myself. Because I have no money to gamble I do not feel threatened and this afternoon I enjoyed a visit to the gym and laughed and joked with friends in the cafe, steam room and swimming pool. Sadly though, the addiction is gearing up for the next time and telling me that I can win if only I pick the right numbers. I know it is absolute madness but struggle to get it out of my head.

My weekly state pension goes in the bank thursdays and covers direct debits and pocket money so I should be ok for the next couple of weeks but at the end of the month I will need to have some safeguards in place for when my works pension goes in the bank.

It is difficult to comprehend my foolishness because my only obsession is with roulette. Any other form of gambling I can take it or leave it, although I obviously leave it all alone when not gambling.

Can't get in the casino's and am self excluded from almost 50 betting shops but my big hope is that the stake reduction in April will put an end to this madness. Standing in front of the fobt playing for £2 a spin will hopefully seem a bit pointless.

I have great affection, love and respect for all my fellow travellers on the gamcare diaries. I do hope that we can all find what we are looking for. Is it too much to ask for a peaceful life of fun and happy adventures!

Well at least that is something I can strive for.

In the meantime, I will never give up, never give in and never lose hope.

Let's rock n roll ...stephen

Yesterday was good. Tenants Association meeting in the morning followed by ICT (Functional Skills) at the local college then on to the gym for a swim and a steam. In the evening borrowed £5 and enjoyed a couple of hours Salsa dancing.

Close friends and family know about my gambling issues but I believe that most acquaintances see me as a fine, upstanding member of the community who is friendly, helpful and considerate.

Why then, do I feel the need to gamble. My income is more then enough to live in comfort and enjoy a good social life. Unfortunately I have repeatedly lost it all for no good reason. It doesn't make any sense!

It helps me not to sit and weep

Or toss and turn cos I can't sleep

The day is sweet and tastes of honey

My world within is nice and sunny ...stephen