So, not the one to have million new diaries but honestly can't be bothered to ask GC to do the magic with my own diary and make it re-appear. I may do so in near future.
Hit 500 days without single penny spent on online slots! That is something....so if i can do this much, maybe i can continue on this path ?
I hope so anyway. Been getting urges a lot recently..since THAT day to be honest...oh, regarding THE day, i was assessed and almost taken to hospital however...instead i accepted trauma counselling. Not sure how i will go as im transferring elswhere..so guess need to cancel it as organisation deffo will not pay with me leaving.
So yeah...stress stress stress really..but, changes are good for the mind and heart right?
Xmas came and went and didnt even realised we had this festive season as i worked throughout.
I remembered families who have lost their loved ones this year..with Covid, tragedy or other reasons. ?
It has been difficult year for all...but we continue to do our best and push through..for that - i salute you all!
Stay safe & look after each other
S&B xx
Well done xxx
Great stuff good achievement.
Congratulations Sandra on your excellent progress.
Best wishes and respect from
Aum x
Hi, thanks guys! Hope you're keeping safe and well too!
Well, everyone knows me as a gym fanatic and i truly enjoy my time there. However im ever so saddened that since THAT day, i am struggling with my time there. Usually it diverts my thoughts and helps me to distract myself & also get rid of the frustration i may have accumulated throughout working day.
Now it seems like completely oposite effect. As soon as i go there, i am taken back to the day. No matter what i do, i always have this image/ flashback and saddness takes over. I don't know what to do tbf. Gambling would seem as perfect escape right now, but im done with it right?..i am done with it. Temporary release with permanent consequences...financially, emotionally and physically....?
I don't want to escape..but i really struggle to process my feelings..not if im not trying..?
S&B xx
Hi diary,
I have not lapsed yet!!! Yay...day at a time of course....
Soo, its been quite a rollercoaster really. It always seems to happen in my world. Its almost a month since i entered this strange "zone" where i basically dissociated from everything..its weird feeling, but guess, still keeps me breathing and ticking along.
Another shock to the system ended yesterday. I am not sitting on the fence no more...after a year...i almost saved my income, and you know..its truly enough..job is important these days!
Counselling..oh dear..i cancelled and re-arranged straight after i heard i can keep my job...so, a bit more wait i guess.
Its truly strange..strange feeling, sometimes i don't even know who i am.
Got to know this dear soul who is a nurse in ICU for covid patients. My main friend now really..horror stories and she is struggling too. This stuff is no joke..truly is not. I had a peek in what goes on there and i simply want out here and now...gosh..i thought i put myself at risk..nowhere near really.....
Ummm..what else to report..not much really. Im not with it lol..days flow by..i do what i do, i still go to work, i still suffer a little..
But.. i do not gamble ? where is a will, there is a way..i rest my case.
Blessings all
S&B xx
Wonderful post Sandra.
These are strange times and I think we are all finding it a bit surreal.
We cannot do much to change the world but you can look up to the heavens with a hand on your gamble free heart and be proud of what you have achieved.
Respect and best wishes.
From Aum x
Hi Stephen & hi diary,
I keep updating my original one but its still too ugly to release for public view...
I am doing..not too bad. I didn't gamble. I didn't crumble to that devil.
In general, i am still doing many hours at work as colleagues falling down like flies due to covid, so we all come together from different shifts to cover the absent ones. What is inevitable, is us mixing with different groups. Dont get me wrong, we have v strict measures in place to manage such transmission however cannot help but anxiously wait for a phone call telling you to self isolate cause someone you worked with was tested positive. So we all risk our health, we all still go in because you all guys/ girls need us to be there for you.
Having my counselling. Proper trauma orientated and i think Thats what i missed previously. What i have discovered recently made me think 100mph..my thoughts, anger and saddness came to a head. I drink way more recently now that i wish i would and i prefer to stay in bed all day/night long if i can. Maybe depression..maybe lockdown and difficulties it created (no gym).
However im here and now. Today i think was most productive with cleaning and tidying up. Good good run with lil girl in a park! Sun shone too so a lot of positives!
I still struggle with friendship. I keep pushing good friend away. She has an immense responsibility and so tough job looking after critical covid19 patients. I am not sure if our stress levels clash and we simply get overwhelmed with supporting each other. Last month's incident crushed me...she was here and stayed by my side..i truly appreciate it. I am sure i supported her in equal measure..we do all we can to distract ourselves from devastation daily life presents to us...
Now i started this counselling, many thoughts and saddness unravelled again and i struggle to communicate. I tend to isolate..and so i push her away. ..its very much recognisable trait of mine. I do want to break this cycle..i just struggle i guess. We both hurt for one reason or another and sometimes...maybe it doesn't help when two suffering souls comes together. We may also bring each other down as much as we try to lift us up...
Hmmmmm..?
I guess enough of this thought..we can only try and that's enough.
Back to work tomorrow...i had days off but also had more overtime in between..so its still run run run like headless chicken.
I am healthy, im not infected...and so i am greatful for that because its so so difficult to see a colleague going down to this ...anyone really..it does affect MH immensely.
Stay safe all, day at a time
S&B xx
& kust when i thought im all good and kicking..i checked temp (as only just got thermometer) and its 38°c..gutted ?
I don't wanna die just yet.
Oh no. Do you feel ill as well ? Bless you ,tuck yourself up in bed, if you feel really unwell get help. Take care xx
Charlie, i feel ok'ish..very tired tho. For about 2 weeks. I sleep crazy hours, like from 2am to 3pm...every day...and always feel.tired...but its not a symptom is it?
Will have to talk to special op they're running at work and seek their advice. All i don't wanna do, is to infect other's if i have it xx
Hey, yes tiredness can be symptom. Colleague was sick with covid, been sleeping 14 hours a day. Look after yourself . If you have ‘long covid’ tiredness is part of that too.
Thank you MGR...
I did the right thing and informed work and didn't attend. Gonna have a test done tom.
My temp is fluctuating from 36.7 to 38.2.... its a bit crazy ans tiredness...wow..i really struggled today. Only not long ago managed to get up properly as i just need to sleep...and i do sleep..its weird. Dizziness and sickness to boot.
The sooner i know, the better.
Work supportive with food supplies if something...
I am a bit scared if am honest...
But...it is what it is and will b what will be.
Not sure if lil girl senses..as she didn't have anything to eat today..worries me x
Stay safe all
S&B xx
Tomorrow is bright and better days ahead.
Xoi
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