A new dawn

Dear Stephen,

I love that song... thank you for reminding me, it will make it well and truly to the top of this evening’s playlist x

Oh Stephen.. That song. That song. That film. William holden. Jennifer Jones.. 

Oh my beating heart.... ♥️

Dear Diary. Day 41 gamble free.

This morning was a slowish start. I only managed a few hours sleep but that was because I was up late having fun, no other reason. I seem incapable of having a lie in so it is bedtime that affects how much sleep I get.

We popped into M&S food hall this morning for a couple of bits and pieces and spent a small fortune, I can’t resist the sparkly packaging ?

I met my friend in town for late lunch and a few ?. It was a lovely relaxed afternoon. It started snowing while we were out, it was a bit wild for a while but the snow looked lovely on the ground. It has melted now...Went for a quick trip to the local street that is famous for its Xmas lights and decorations, it was just fun to see. Must take them ages to prepare it all. It gives National Lampoons a real run for its money.

Hubby and I are heading out with some friends later tonight and will raise a glass to the lovely Drama ?. I am really going to have to try to fit a power nap in before then otherwise I will not be lasting too long ?. Too old for this socialising stuff nowadays. I will try my very best to stay in bed a bit longer in the morning.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t like Sundays for reasons stated previously. This week it will also be one week since I had my beloved moggy put to sleep, I am hoping he is playing happily at rainbow bridge.  I haven’t thought about trying to replace him, it simply is not possible.

I  have arranged to go and do some volunteering for the afternoon. It is a local charity that I have done stuff with over the years. I will look forward to that very much. I have told myself I will have a better Sunday...

I have managed a power nap. I am not sure I feel refreshed for it right now but no doubt I will feel better later ?

Hope you have a jolly good time Murlo.

An entertaining get together with friends is an excellent way to spend a Saturday evening.

Let your down, have a few laughs and boogie the night away.

Stephen x 

Thank you so much Stephen, Andy Williams has been on our playlist this evening. Fabulous choice x

It probably doesn’t make sense but I actually feel free tonight. I am not going to do anything that spoils this feeling. 

I ma lesapde ot drea hatt yuo rae efelnig refe lormu. Ti mkeas prfctee nseec.

Tpehnse x 

Morning  all. I had an amazing time last night, so much fun. I laughed til I cried a few times. We went to a German bar (it’s part of a small chain of them). After a few beers I was talking to the staff in German which was a ridiculous thing to do as they are local, not German ?.  At least they wouldn’t have known whether my German was any good or not... I am pleased I had a power nap before though as ended up a late one. This morning could be leisurely I think.

I am happy that I went out on a Saturday night and had fun. I have been avoiding it for so long.

I haven’t actually got out of bed yet so this is technically a lie in for me. It is Sunday and so far I feel ok about that. 

Have a good day all x

In other words you really let your hair down.. Proud of you.. ?❤️Boo

Thank you so much Boo ?❤️. It’s such a simple thing but it feels like another milestone reached to have taken my wall down for a bit in public and in company. And I had such a good time, I know I will do it again ?

Dear Diary. Day 42 gamble free.

So it is Sunday today and I feel alive, more than just living. No thoughts of self harm. This is an important moment for me I think. For weeks Sundays have been my bad days in terms of suicidal thoughts, but not today. So Boo, thoughts of self harm has joined gambling in my room 101.

I wouldn’t normally post much about my mental health in my diary here, not because I am ashamed or anything but because I have a private diary for such things and that helps me. Anyway today it feels ok to post as I feel good and I hope anyone reading can see that it is a positive message. I am doing just fine.

Fantastic night out last night and I didn’t get home until 3.30am. It wasn’t a get dressed up type of evening, it is the sort of place where you end up soaked in as much beer as you drink by the end of the end of it but that is part of the fun. Clothes stank this morning ?.

It turns out it was part of a plot between hubby and my friends to keep me out long enough that I could see that Sunday was the same as any other day and I could be having fun. It worked, I had an absolute blast! It was nice to make people laugh and to know that for once they didn’t have to worry about upsetting me. I have avoided going out with them of late for fear of spoiling their evening. For once I might have just made it a better evening for them, I was on form ?.

I feel so much love for my friends who organised last night, it was just such a wonderful thing to think and do. I didn’t get any urge to gamble because I was happy.

I joined chat at lunchtime today and it was loverly to see Drama. I got a technical glitch and my posts weren’t showing. It must have looked so rude that I wasn’t responding, I was trying to, sorry...?. So lovely to hear about your meditation, I hope the feeling lasted.

This afternoon I went and did some voluntary stuff. Just some life skills coaching for a homeless charity for an hour. I love it and it makes me feel happy that I felt up to doing that today. I get a lot out of it tbh so it is a two way thing I hope.

Back home to prepare the mother of all Sunday roasts, listening to Xmas music channel on telly. We have both got post drink munchies today so lots of recovery food.

I am suspecting it will be an early night tonight. I will go to sleep a happy lady x

That is very good of you Murlo to do volunteering work with the homeless charity. I imagine it could be a very challenging environment to work in.

I read that two thirds of homeless people suffer due to addiction, usually in the form of drug or alcohol dependency. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be living outdoors on cold wet nights but I wasn't a million miles from joining them when my gambling was at it's worse.

On a lighter note, remember that some of the clients may suffer from low self esteem so best not give them a whopping at Scrabble.

Stephen x 

We watched SPOTY this evening. Well done Ben Stokes, well deserved. My hubby is still smarting from Leeds conspiring to draw yesterday after a handsome lead. I am still smarting from our local team losing the brothers that got us so far. Don’t blame them tho, football management is a short a short career. Danny and Nicky will remain legends here. 

To Doddie Weir and family, you are an inspiration x

I nearly made it through an entire Sunday but the little demon surfaces again. I should be asleep right now just like my hubby. Thank you for listening  Netline. I am sorry I got cut off.  I will be ok.