Here i am in 2024.....started here in 2015..... it's fiar to say when i came here i was living a totally different life....one which was far from perfect.....my work life was a struggle......my finances were a struggle....my health was a mess......i was overweight.......my breathing due to years and years of smoking was deteriorating.....i drunk too much alcohol.....i didnt give enough support to my friends and family.....i used to spend all my dispossable income on these traits and it left nothing for buying friends and family presents, drinks, food etc. Life was far from perfect......
I wrote the first post in 2015 i think it was when i was on my way back from working in brighton....i was assistant manager of a clothes store..... i was getting up for work at 7am....commuting and hour to brighton.....working 9-7 then commute home......then food.....then gambling, drink, smoking, smoking all day at work, we functioned at work but were hardly perfect....i was gambling online poker and had got to the point where i was gambling on 50 dollar tournaments, never winning back any money.....i literally would pay bills (well as i was living with parents it wasnt much , then spend the rest plus a bit more on gambing.....i went to my bank one day and cashier said i think ur account been hacked into as there are soo mnay expensive transactions over one weekend....that day i was transfering cash from my halifax saver cash isa into my current account as that weekend id spent all of its money plus gone over the overdraft limit.....i really was in a mess.
Im thankful now that at that time i realised i needed to change. I came on gamcare on the train home and worte a post, my first post, then that evening i looked at ways i could continue gambling in a more controlled way. Now i realise now that most compulsive gamblers look to continue their gambling before stopping in a way to keep that excitement, that fix, that energy, those endorphins....I tried for several years thru Bookies, casinos, pub poker, social clubs, etc......for may ways i did control it and break even but thru slots machines and fruit machines on most gambling evenings id lose that control.
I came to my senses very abbruptly in 2018.......my work at that time was now in a hospital.......but my mind was solely on gambling....... in august just before a holiday i lost 300 pounds in an hour on a slot machine......had to borrow money off a friend (first time ive ever done that in my life) then was on performance management at work where they were trying to get me out i think....then i had a break down mental episode on that holiday.....i was signed off work for six weeks and boy did those six weeks do me well. i realised i had to stop those vices that were making me suffer....
I decided to stop drinking to aid my recovery and in hinsight it cleared my judgement and thought processes...I spent time with naure and family.....I went to work with my dad and they said that as i have skitsophrenia they would make adjustments.....ie being solely a porter..
I've now been fully gamble, drink, smoke, drugs free since december 2019.......In this time ive been working on my fitness an mental health thru various gym memberships and walking lots at work and after. I work on my finances every evening with my spreadsheet......i keep track of spending.....and am now the proud owner of a flat with a garden that is fully paid for minus the 37k i owe on it. Not to shabby for a hospital porter.
Im aiming to pay this off and save a bit by my 50th birthday in 2031 so i can have a summer off work sebatical to enjoy the fruits of my labour.
im starting a new post today as tomo i have my first apprasial at work for a number of years and will hopefully see the fruits of my labour.....i do enjoy a few cups of tea as breaks at work but work hard apart from that.
Lets hope for a good meeting tomo...... Even if its not positive i know what ive been thur and thepositives i have built thru these years.....
I hope that appraisal goes well and brings positive things for you at work Adam 🙂
All the best
Hi seren......thanks for popping by....yes appraisal went fine....pretty much just wrote objectives for the year no actual appraisal happened really....but no negatives so thats good.
Six days later and ive had another weekend.......done a lot of exercise......ate resonably well....and now theres been a slow start to the week......11500 steps today...not too bad.....
Night
Evening diary....... had a poor start to the week.....felt really down on monday after work.....wanted to just stay in bed forever......so i cancelled all my weekend plans including watching dune part two...... then grinded thru tuesdat and just about managed to get out of bed today......grinded thru today......then had a steak which was lovely.......
Cancelled my sky sports as im overdosed on football.....i can still watch on my friends account tho on my chromebook....... but taking a bit of a break from tv.......and also xbox.....spending more time listening to music........will see where that goes...... but thankfully cancelling sky sports, sky entertainment, has meant im only paying for sky cinema untill may 2.99 plus 2 on the boost so a fiver a month and i have access to sky sports, bt sport, disney plus, apple tv, and sky cinema...... really really over the top if i think about it.....who needs that much entertainment.....
Anyway i wont resubscribe to sky sports. if spurs get in champions leage next season i might get bt sport.....have to look at it come august.
Got to look forward to summer i guess?
Got two weeks then a long weekend.
had a good evening...... came back and thought id do a bit of clening my flat....so i stared at 430pm......just finnished now.....my flat is looking pretty d**n clean......dusted....cleaned.....organised....had a shower....cooked....cooked again.....
My diet has gone thru the complete window....yesturday i ate a steak, mash, 3 monster munch, 3 crumpets, porridge, soup, chips, o*g soo terrible,,.....on the plus note i enjoyed eating it.
Im in a better mood today as its nearer the end of the week..... So i reorganised seeing a friend friday night....resting saturday.....a friend coming over for a steak sunday night......seeing dune with another friend monday evening......
First I'll get the saving session out the way..... Recently Ive realized that I am using Soo Soo many different ways to save money on absolutely everything I buy nowadays .... I look at my spreadsheet of finances everyday.... I budget for each month, each year and it's fair to say I spend a lot of time on it. This time and energy I'm thinking has become healthy or not healthy? A new form of gambling for me? Something to focus on......I find these deals thru watching videos on you tube, thru the hot deals website, thru cherry picking deals..... However unhealthy this maybe I'm able to live a reasonably wealthy life thru what I have which is a minimum wage part time job...... So all in all I think it's worth the time and obsession I have.
Now the fact it's got to the point where I'm visiting town or Waitrose to get freebies, sitting in the dark to save energy session, not turning my heating on at all month....is defo over the top...... But as long as I'm not getting I'll thru lack of heating I think it's a pretty healthy obsession.
I do however tell friends and family of my deals and I think I'm coming across as a bit extreme so I think I'll keep my actions surrounding these deals to myself from now on.
All the best adam
As regards to the end of GameStop Its a stark reminder that I am never thru the woods however long I've been gamble free I must stay on the program and reinstall gamba. And GameStop as soon as I notice them expire......I know I'll be tempted but must stay strong for the sake of myself my friends and my family..gambling is not a good idea at all
hello dear diary.....
mixed couple of days.......ive been under my duvets for last three days ill......got that terrible cough and cold everyones been spreading around.....in order to not spread it around anymore than neccessary ive stayed at home today and probably will tomo.
Been good for my xbox play tho ive been playing forza motorsport loving it.
Last night i saw that i could buy three months of xbox game pass ultimate for 22 pounds thirty percent off retail price....so as i had not bought any for four months i bought it and when i inputted it they kindly gave me an extra months worth....so now im all paid on game pass untill 20/02/2027.....horray.... instead of retail 12.99 a month for those four months i paid £5.50p pretty good.
Also today i saw on my hot deals a deal for hula hoops at sainsburys 18 packs for £1.10p usually £4.....so i bought five!!!!! yes i now have ninety packs of hula hoops horray.......6 pence a pack.....just got to try and be healthy and only have one pacjk a day.....then thats three months of snacks paid for.
Another positive lids said he thought i was good at planning and organised......ive never ever been called that in my life as i come accross as pretty relaxed and chilled.....but i love that he thinks i seem like that and thinking about it i am pretty obsessive about organising my life and like to think i get a pretty good existence out of it.....many thanks lids.
Gonna have another sick day tomo and maybe wednesday then look forward to two brilliant football fixtures this sunday.....come on city and spurs i say....
It's funny how I seem to go from one issue to the next.....one minute I'm fine next I'm thinking about the next dilemma......be it work orientated.....internet at home not working orientated .....physical health issues (currently throwing up into a bucket due to coughing Soo much)......mental health orientated ( voices at Mo just taken some meds for it).....
But then I feel great in patches and terrible in patches.... Lord give me strength......
Night adam
Hi, I've had an eventful couple of weeks but have come out stronger...... In many ways
I had a terrible cough for a couple of weeks and was throwing up a lot...... Then I had a mental episode and thankfully was able to get back to my parents and find solice there......I've been off work and the episode had brought me once again to believe in a world that is not real one that is very scary and brings me to a terrible place. Thankfully my parents seemed help from my doctor's and the medication was corrected and I'm now believing in real life and my thoughts aren't Soo desperate.
I've been able to think about life again and have got thru this episode I feel unscathed.... With my flat still.....with my job still..... And my relationship with my family seems even stronger......
I have also decided on a lighter note that I'll on odd occasions partake in alcohol again.....I never had a problem with alcohol and altho wouldn't like a hangover I feel a couple of glasses of wine or a jd and coke or a cider amongst family and friends could be a good medicine for relaxing a bit.
Also I'm going to stay at my parents for a bit until I'm a bit stronger ..,.don't need to rush into going back to flat too soon.
Also I've reached out to a friend that Id fallen out with to see whether I can patch things up and organize a get together for old friends rhatidloke to get back in contact with again.
I've got lots to be thankful for and lots to look forward too.
All the best Adam xxx
Having problems isnt a weakness its human. Trying to find solutions is true strength. Take pride and strength from making a few good decisions, moving back to your parents for a while is a good decision for now, realizing your meds needed looking at is another good decision............It will be summer before you know it, look forward.
Hi adam, I'm sorry you've had a bad couple of weeks. I know only too well what its like to be unwell and lose sight of reality, so glad ur meds were tweaked and your at your parents. Doesn't matter what age we are, we always need our parents. I to have recently reached out to a friend who I fell out with and were meeting for coffee next week, hope you get a positive reply to.
I really do admire you , you are so strong and a huge support to your gamcare peers. I'm glad I know you 🤗
Take care adam
Stace xx
Hi Adam,
Despite everything that has happened your post brings much positivity and warmth. Thanks for sharing
as always.
Best wishes
Fiona
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