Hello, I don't post often but I visit the chatrooms quite frequently which are full of amazing people. I relapsed last christmas and lost everything until I had nothing left to gamble. I've been gamble-free since January but I haven't been tracking the exact date because I don't feel proud about it at all.
Sometimes I feel grateful I have a job and have a roof over my head and other times I feel that I'm grinding my life away in a minimum wage job just to survive, what is the point of it all. I feel empty and nothing gives me joy. The only anchor to this world I have is my mum, and I dread the day I will have nothing and nobody left.
To live is to suffer and I endeavor to be like those I've talked to in that chatroom to be supportive and empathetic to those I meet. I don't believe things will magically get better with time. Contrary to movies and books, there's no hero or saviour to help no matter how long you wait. The world carries on regardless.
I wish I could cry but I've lost the ability to do so and apathy is all I know and I hate it.
Hey there.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so rubbish, but trust me I know exactly how you feel.
The daily grind of a min wage job, living pay day to pay day , gambling to escape and win money that I in reality would do nothing with my gamble again. Then just go through the grind again.
What struck me about this post is about 7 days ago I got a pocket book and wrote as a title what the f am I doing?
I began to write everything, how I feel about my job, what I am grateful for etc. I am very aware how the fear of change and acceptance that I am a failure is almost safe and comfortable which then allows me and justifies me not to change and just gamble because that's all I think/thought i am good for.
Then decided that no one is going to give me this miracle job opportunity just out the blue, and I realised that only I can save me.
So I have written a list of short stories I want to write and get published, and have started on them. I meditate every morning, I make sure I am looking smart and clean shaven. And now I know its never to late to change my circumstances, but its going to be hard work.
I just aim to be 1% more productive than the day before.
Kind regards
Rob
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