Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Good to see your doing well in your recovery Ryan, and even better to read you are enjoying life, this is surely a huge key in recovering, then maintaining recovery.

Lifes hard at times, the little things that bug folk build up and snowball until they either sufficate or boil over.

For me the answer was always to let things boil over into anger, in a kitchen it is easy to throw your toys out of the pram and it's seen as passion. For me that is as misplaced as saying it is acceptable for me to deal with stress by having a punt.

They are both great wastes of energy,time, and my skill's through learning that there is a bigger picture always something greater for me to focus on.

Today I have again seen the results of what the food industry does often to it's detrement, serves style over substance.

Did I throw my toys??

No I will speak rationally about the shortfalls in what the customer wants and actually recieves, it will have a positive outcome, there is for me nothing worse than finishing a meal and be left wanting for the wrong reasons??

Gambling was like that, it always left me wanting, wanting more lose or even worse on the back of a win.

Recovery is like good food, it leaves me excited, wanting more for the right reasons, and like food I accept eveyone has different tastes.

For that Gives me a drive, determination to keep viewing the bigger picture.

today it came through making a choice for me to abstain and maintain.

NO BET TODAY.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi mate.

Hope this finds you well.

Continued best wishes,

gazza

Evening diary.

So went at today with the attitude that I may have a few uncomfortable moments, by being the spokesman for the greater good, but hey I am the king of f*****g uncomfortable moments lol!!

I have vast experience of making situations were I want the earth to curl up around me.

But the truth of the matter was it was like lancing another boil, there was an attentive audience and a constructive outcome.

Me I will gain little or nothing from the changes but there will be many others who will see a difference through change in policies and systems.

Days like today make me understand that I actually do have the choice, the ability to change things, in life in general and most of all, most importantly in my personal life.

The working away has/is unbearable on my soul, I really do struggle without my Sarah, but maximum ten days to go and as I said in the bigger picture my life will benefit greatly.

I am comfortable in my own headspace, I do alot of clearing out of junk, I am making room for the plans of 2014, what I want to acchieve, bring to the table.

I wrote a question on the ask gamcare last night, after reading a few articles on the mp's vote on the regulating of the fobt and was pleased to have got a reply, I do believe the key thing for me is the members of this forum just like my fellow GA members all share a common goal.

To rid the destruction from there lives that gambling waged on there lives and the lives of those around them.

The vote for me holds no relivence, it won't effect my own recovery in any way, I was just miffed to see gamcare statistics being used by the gambling industry to dumb down the significance of addiction.

I dont blame the industry for my own shortfalls, I would like the same in return.

RESPECT

I am like everyone here,

A PERSON NOT A PAWN.

Most importantly I made a choice today that won't do anything but better my tomorrow.

NO bet today

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs ...

Saw your post on ASK but could not comment due to not being a CG.

I did have a chuckle re: "we support recovery from gambling related harm" given my previous debate on here re : controlled gambling ..I would question that one.

Also felt a "aww bless " moment for the post about raising funds for GC as anyone who is/ has been in business knows ..charity donations are a brilliant tax dodge as is "training " in helping us poor souls..probably be offset against the tax bill and the gaming industry no doubt set up this "charity " to partly divert taxable funds.

It's like Coca Cola donating a nice green coke sponsored playground for uk children whilst putting vending machines in the the 3rd world...( the green field is the environmental do good gift tax dodge ) .

R and D ...xx ..

evening diary

Rach I am glad you have an opinion on the issue, it tells me there is another out there who is looking at the bigger picture.

For me writing on the thread ASK is a way of asking the question of where the line is drawn in the sand without causing a debate on the diary section, I know through experience that it causes the diaries section more harm than good.

To live and let live so to speak does work, yes I still have my opinion, but truthfully for me to spend my time on the issue does detract from my own recovery.

without doubt I believe strongly in my own recovery method, it is down to reading threads, meeting with like minded folk and re educating myself through living without gambling in my life.

I do know folk can take what is written all too literally, for me the worse person this happens to is my Sarah, she is in recovery too, but she like Rach and many others are seen through the eyes of the outside world many times to have nothing to recover from, they are not afflicted by addiction, so what do they have to worry about?

We the compulsive gambler get all the attention, it is heaped upon us, when we fall, folk forgive us, expect it and don't judge us because we are the addict, but for me this journey is just as important for Sarah and all the other wives,partners family and friends out there. When she is having a bad day, frustrated by the fact 'gambling' still dominates a great deal of my life, I think we all have to try and understand. My personality would have reacted badly to the situation if it had been on the other foot, it suffers fools badly! but it is expected that our partners just shut the door on the previous wrongs gambling brought, and not question things, so not to disrupt the apple cart.

I know there is the friends and families section, gam-anon and other outlets but I do see that they often attract stories of loss and circumstance that is beyond repair, So for Sarah it feels like she would in a sense rub the faces of other inoccent victims of this addiction in her situation, and the bottom line is we all know through experience that those inoccent victims can only begin recovery if the addict takes the lead role, the addict cannot be forced into recovery, the effects of that often have the polar opposite affect.

I know without doubt that Sarah, my kids and Mum and Ed will all harbour the same trepidation, anxious feeling that whilst I am away 'gambling' will be knocking at hte door trying again to befriend me, isolate me and keep me for it's own greedy gain.

For me I have put the blocks in place, my wallet contains no bank card, little cash and most importantly a card my mum gifted me.

That card has the poem 'brother square toes upon it' it has been my salvation many times, it brings a lump to my throat reading it.

I have my phone, filled with pictures of Sarah, the kids and the hounds, I find myself looking longingly at them all.

Safe in the knowledge that I will return soon to feel there love, a love that carries me, enriches my being and drives me to want to live.

To live a life that befits my aim.

'to be a man'

Please consider the actions you choose,that path leaves a footprint on others lives.

Tonight I am humbled to share my path with many recovering form this illness from both sides of the fence.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanx Duncs,

You are a good man. Wish you all the best in uour journey. This disease gave me some false " joy " and " excitement " for that i shall suffer now.

I choose the hard way, and it includes beating myself up.

Sorry you have to read it sometimes, but i am being true to myself...the person who messed it all up in a first place.

Take care and keep doing what you doing

You and your loved ones should be proud how much you all achieved as " one ".

Sandra x

Hi Duncs,

So sorry if i come across rude in my last response. I really greatly appreciate your support. Thank you so much.

Sandra x

Hey Duncs

Also like you seeing the bigger picture in a my things too...and once you are awake you can't fall back to sleep again.

I also have to watch being distracted and don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater..

I listen to radio a lot and there has been a lot about the industry in general which I wasn't aware of,

Like mr GT that used to be on here who was very aware about the gaming industry . I think seeing the bigger picture is part of our recovery and makes us all realise that we don't have to be a pawn in anyone else's game.

I can understand why once awake , people like yourself would begrudge giving one half penny to the industry! I'm the same with bank charges and ATM machines now..

You are not a pawn Duncs....it's difficult when you are passionate about something to keep it all in

R and D xxxxx

Afternoon diary.

Thanks Rach, yes I do believe in having a voice is important, equally is how I use it.

So saturday in a strange town, I was going to watch a local nonleague match this afternoon but time means I would never get back to my appointment tonight so instead I wandered around the farmers market on my way back to my digs after this mornings appointment and had a good feed on the taster stuff, lol it is all masively over priced and why are there so many stalls selling olives!! and not by spanish farmers lol.

Walked through the town centre watching folk labouring under the weight of there xmas shopping made me smile, I hope it brings joy to there households, as for me this year that is the soul purpose of my xmas break, joy and happiness.

Spoke to my beloved, she is struggling without me at home, lol you know who is going to walk the hounds, put out the rubbish and commentate on the X tonight.

All joking aside, time away makes me understand what I really do have.

And for that today I am very proud, that without the destruction that is my addiction to gamble is something which keeps growing.

Nice to be around folk who don't constantly talk about odds as well this week, a food for thought, that for the folk that don't or have not come to depend on the outcome of a wager don't spend there time thinking about the outcome or the next bet to cover the outcome.

There is no woulda,coulda, shoulda

Just a focus.

A great lesson.

I hope they dont deduct it off my invoice lol.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO bet today, stepping forward never back.

Just to say thinking of you and Sarah and not long to go now before you can celebrate another achievement with her as a difficult time for you both.

xxx

Thanks for the post Dunc and I appreciate your sentiments. Trouble is like I say I can't invent family and friends and the festive period possibilities I have are limited so can't really make any changes. I'll just focus on getting through best I can hopefully without any damage gambling or otherwise. I always hope the following year will be better so maybe Christmas period 2014 will be better given the progress I've made with abstinence from random this year, maybe next year new opportunities will open up.

You are lucky having a strong happy family foundation to base your life and recovery on. I know you appreciate that and I hope your planned changes at Christmas work out well for you.

Evening diary.

Thanks captain, I hope for you those changes come thick and fast for the better, without doubt in my mind, you take from life what you put in.

I struggled through today, not due to gambling urges but the fact I am away from my family, it is not an experience I enjoy, it is a huge test of my strength and an even bigger one on Sarah and the kids, not to mention the hounds!!

I have to look at the big picture, the financial gain, to honour the commitment I have made, to in a way face my fears, from it take a strength, the strength my family give me and power on, into the final week tomorrow, inwardly counting the days.

Outwardly I know what that saying about wearing a mask to cover over things, to not show weakness, as I know the outcome will only be detremental to the end goal.

Folk love to take our weakness don't they, and beat you with it, use it to feather there own nest.

Well I let gambling do that for twenty years, I draw from those lonely feelings, those isolated feelings and today use them for my gain.

I will all being well get back to the GA room on tuesday night and use my diary to draw on all my resolve to conquer my feelings of sadness and march on.

Toward the celebrations of xmas, wow it is dawning close, I am not fixated on the material side of it, I am looking forward to sharing my love, that is enough in it's self.

My recovery has gifted me this opportunity, it really has, as at it I would have never looked into the future, today I do, I refuse to be sucked back to that world, today I feel alone not through destruction, but through desire, a desire to enjoy my wonderful family.

The four most specail folk in my life, and not to forget those two bags of bones!!!

So I don my hard hat, proud to say I love recovery, it gave me LIFE.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today, there are no odds that are worth more than recover, it's priceless.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs ...

Not long to go now til home xx

Understand what you say about weaknesses and we all on here working on our own side by side...

My weakness was being caring and being nice but I'm now only doing controlled caring which only has some gain for me...I give now only give to get something back and break even in my 3d life.

I would like to abstain from caring completely but part of my job makes that impossible so I do a lot of faking.

One day I shall get there though my friend...my recovery is the opposite way around as isolation is the way for me to get better...I am at risk with people close to me as I get derailed from my recovery and start putting them first,that's why writing on here has been a good replacement for social contact.

R and D. ..xxx

afternoon diary

Well today if my resolve needed picking up any further it was gifted by Diggerboy

Fella you joined that exclusive club of 'one year gamble free'

one which gives me great hope that the 3% stat will grow.

Fella I salute you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a quick dip between shifts

I will be back later for another dose of medicine.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary

And to ice the cake on a great day for gifting a fella a great dose of resolve

DS123 also passed through one year of total abstinence.

This is something worth banging the drum for in my eyes, one day and a dual celebration.

I am simply inspired.

Lessons learnt, I hope both continue to abstain as the reward for us is yes to celebrate those milestones but not in the same breathe gift them back to our addiction by having a punt.

Whether it be day one or day 1001 the choice we make is with equal importance.

Just for today i hope that many others join me in both congratulating the achievements of those two fella's and from it bulid our own resolve to be inspired by the fact that it can be achieved, we really can make a difference to our own lives and with it those around us by gifting ourselves another winning day.

NO BET TODAY.

for me I love the tonic it gifted me to read those posts, for it guys

I SALUTE YOU.

Duncs stepping forward never back