Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

DMac,

Happy Christmas mate! Hope it's been a good day with the family.

Thanks again for all the support and encouragement you've given on my diary this year.

All the best,

D123

Chutney rules!!!!

Onwards and upwards.

xxx

Afternoon Diary.

Well my efforts in the kitchen yesterday were rewarded by a table full of smiles, what more can a man wish for!! nice to be able to enjoy a less traditional xmas dinner and not be full to bursting when my bed came calling lol, today may be a different story, my favourate meal of the festive season, cold cuts, mash and pickles to which my eyes will always win over my belly!!! oh and the cheese I love cheese lol.

Ed took Sarah and the youngest two to Taunton early this morning to embrace the sales, Mum and I enjoyed harvesting some leeks and brussels from there allotment, then walked the hounds through the fields until the mud hung off their bellies, now they are all culred up together sleeping and I got to top up my resolve here, funny boxing day has all my life been dedicated to sport and sports gambling, I would have been detached from my family today, wanting selfishly to spend the day chasing pipe dreams inthe bookies, and cursing my bad luck over the results. Because we all know the outcome, no win ever big enough to gift you the forefillment you think is out there at the end of a bet.

Today I am proud to say I do have forefillment, I will enjoy watching the results today, my life does'nt have to be affected by there outcome, so my day again will be full of smiles.

Today Captain had posted on Tomso's thread that if he had Tomso's life he would not have to gamble, I read it and it raised a huge smile, because Captain is right, I have a life were gambling does not need to play any part to make it more forefilling, shame it took twenty years lumping on misery to see it!!!

So today I find myself again thanking this forum for granting me clarity.

Today I won't waste a minute formulating, because I simply don't need to.

I did win because I did stop.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today, i Love recovery. the gift that keeps giving.

Stepping forward never back

Edit - chutney and not gambling rules!!!!!

xxx

Thanks for the post Duncan, have replied to your questions on my diary.

Glad you had a nice Christmas and are avoiding the Boxing Day sport. I'm sure your small slip a few months ago will be your last and you won't gamble in 2014.

Hey Duncs,

Oh I love those English sayings and traditions 😀

But I am not that bad lol....not today..stick to my cup of tea haha

Peace to you and your family dear soldier xx

S x

morning diary

well it's the wee small hours and the stormy weather has returned to Somerset, it is blowing a hooligan and the rain pours again, I hope the damage is minimal and folk are safe.

Thanks for the replies folks, Captain I think you mis read my post, I did not avoid sport today, it just did not dominate my day, I have just watched motd with my sons and enjoyed the feast of goals for exactly what they are, sport, I used to have an interest from a gamblers view, today I have one as a sports fan, it is a very enjoyable one too.

I read an interesting post from castle earlier tonight in which he himself admitted to gambling still, not forms which have devestated his life i will add but gambling all the same. Me I used to four months ago get all emotional over posts like this, I would see it as devaluing recovery, I would be up in arms thinking it all personal, take the view of my family around me that this forum promotes gambling, and when folk post of controlled gambling it hands a victory to the industry, the old quote of 'problem gambling is taken out of context and we offer help and advice to the tiny minority affected'

This I know today is for me a totally unhealthy way to live, it wont affect those folk who post that they accept gambling forms in there lives, it wont actually help anyone.

today I know why I cannot gamble in any form, because it is two fold, firstly it means my warped, addled brain accepts gambling is a part of my life and more poinient is the fact when I gamble it will whatever form of gambling be compulsive, I cannot buy a single lottery ticket, I go all in, the same with fruit machines, raffles anything in fact which is a gamble, my addled brain simply cannot stop.

So for me the GA way is the only way for me to live a life without destruction.

I hope this can be accepted by all, in the same regard I accept that for other folk, things are different.

To live in harmony with my addiction I have the courage of my convictions to be totally honest here, this forum has granted me a voice, for which I am ever thankful, whatever path other folk choose I will accept that, hope it works for them as well as mine does for me, in doing this we create an environment where we are all equally respected.

I am not here to judge, I am not qualified to do so, I am like everyone else here to recover.

I wish you all well in your choosen paths and thank Castle tonight for his honesty in his post, I hope he gets as much therapy from it as I did.

For me I am all in for total abstinence.

My name is duncan mcquilken I am a compulsive gambler NO BET TODAY

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP.

stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs

Just a quickie to wish you and your family all the best for the New Year!

Take Care

Irene

x

Hi Dunc's... I think what comes out from your last post is the word HONESTY. I only very occasionally (and it is very occasionally) feel a bit miffed with another poster is if they claim to be gambling free and I congratulate them on being "x" amount of time gambling free and over time BUT I then discover some weeks or months down the road that what they really mean is that they have stopped the one form of gambling that caused them the most damage only and continue with other forms of gambling.

The thing is, this is absolutely fine, each to their own... set out to achieve what ever it is that you want to achieve... but say it as it is.. don't lie. Its like ive never had an issue with lets say Captain because Captain is clear about what he wants to achieve.. no random gambling etc.

Anyway I hope your enjoying your time in somerset. Am just back from their. Its been a bit stormy for sure. Regards... S.A

Evening diary

thanks SA, yes honesty is a huge part of recovery, for me to admit to my own shortfalls is something that recovery has brought, through the clarity of not having gambling present in my life I feel my voice grow, not in the arrogant way it manifested through gambling but in a way that I feel I can contribute rather than be the 'answer' to everything.

Again for me the clarity that in my life not a single penny can be waged on anything is so significant, because without it, the carnage will again ensue.

Today and the last few days I have also followed a thread on the friends and families section, to which i am greatly saddened that it has taken the intervention of gamcare to bring a close to the posts which have grown in there content and nature.

I posted on Rachels thread recently and said I myself find it difficult to post on the f&f thread because I often feel like I am rubbing the noses of folk in the joys of recovery.

I understand that the f&f thread brings folk here looking for the answers to there loved ones addiction/compulsion and the sad thing is they won't make a difference because the active addict is still in action and like the honesty that is vital for recovery, without the addict wanting to stop

Recovery simply cannot.

I hope the folk all can find a way to pull the rope in the same direction.

Surely it is a tug of war against addiction not the addict verses the innocent victims.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO BET TODAY.

Duncs ...I have just bigged you up on f and f ..( not that I need to btw) because unlike some that we hear nothing from at all on the forum and then seem to circulate and descend like a couple of vultures , you are doing recovery the right way.

James P is at least omnipresent on the forum but I confess I sometimes struggle with the Pollyanna version of recovery. For some it doesn't always have a happy ending and no amount of considered posts is going to change that as there is just too much damage done.

Truth be told , in early days of your recovery I struggled as my life was in the s*****r and I was jealous that you got a second chance, but for a long long time now since way back last year I have not felt that at all.

You along with others on here who I could list and others who I got off to a bad start with and have since I will defend to the hilt..are doing the work.

I never feel patronised by you . You take any general anger on my posts on the chin and just let me blow off steam despite some days I'm sure wanting to throttle me, and you always make an effort to see things from another's point of view.

Others all do this for me too especially the ones who know my "pattern " and triggers by now and those people know who they are.( I hope)

Duncs...there are people whom I care a great deal about on this forum ( in no order) You, Sarah,Volcano, Maddie,SA,Sandra,,Shiny,Blondie ,DF,Joan, Ian B Castle,,Blondie, Jon, Freda, Ade, Elizabeth, Irene, Steg,Tomso etc ...the list goes on including my exes parents who sent me a lovely Xmas card this year again and who read the forum despite me ranting on about their son.

You all let me just try and come to terms with all this and tolerate a great deal from me for which one day I hope to repay by getting better and not being stuck.

I thank you for being there and you would never try and put us back in the shadows again on f &f ..I would trust you with my life .

I can't speak for everyone on f and f but all I wanted was validation and acknowledgement .."yes this happened and I didnt invent it " and acknowledgement ...yes , this happened and you got hurt Rach and I'm not surprised you are angry.

Thats all I ever wanted Duncs...not to be told my feelings were wrong.You would never do that and already my eyes are watering ..and i never cry anymore xx

Xx

Duncan

As always thank you for your comments on my diary, like many I have struggled big time over the festive period and found my diary real value writing down as always feeling what feel, I understand what I wrote would and could upset many and been seen as fraudulent on my behalf that was not my intention, I can count on one hand in the last 7 months lottery scratchcard a quid in the fruit machine has happened but the honest Truth it has it hasn't harmed my recovery in any shape or form I'm very aware further down the line this could be an oversight on my behalf

I do regret what I wrote as I know its not appropriate as others may read and have an affect esp at this tough time of the year, the only recovery we can all control is our own and I needed to write what I wrote

I thank you though for making the comments you made and as always you were correct with your views something for me now to take away and evaluate

Castle2

Thanks Duncan that means a lot xx

I'm proud 2 share this journey with u also u r a gr8 guy with an amazing family. I'm proud of u ur journey as been inspirational 4 me and it gives me hope. Thank u 4 always picking me up when I slipped without ppl like u I would not have got this far. So thank u from the bottom of my heart 🙂

The recent posts saddened me on f and f we should all be helping each other deal with this horrible addiction. Sarahs love and support 4 u shines thru I hope u both and all ur family have a happy new yr xx

morning diary

Castle fella as I wrote on your own thread, you don't have to justify yourself to me, I am not here to judge, you just have to be happy with yourself.

Again I find great inspiration through the forum, for me to log on here is like taking a dose of medicine, it gifts me further insight into why I cannot gamble, why the selfish act of gambling will for me result in nothing more than emotional destruction.

I used to start many sentences with the words ' I bet' I don't anymore, because in truth my life revolved around just that a BET

I would forgo everything else to wage war with an fobt. a machine that at best would gift me a temporary loan, to which I would pay back that and some by way of interest.

The walks of shame became more regular, I never made any friends in the bookmakers, the other folk were there for the same reason I was, For them like me to see someone else winning was not a good thing, we never celebrated another persons win, we would all encourage there demise!!

Gambling took my ethics, my belief, my morals and tore them up, it made me a selfish, self centered liar, a shadow of the man I professed to be to the outside world!!!

Well I took it back, my life, recovery is there every day and I want it.

I am all in!!!

To abstain and maintain

And live my life without waging a single penny in the form of a gamble is for me LIVING

My name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO bet today

Stepping forward never back.

DMac,

Not been posting much on other diaries but just wanted to say thanks for your support recently.

Tomso.