Morning diary
well a day off today,a day in which i will be nursing a beautiful shoulder of pork into a delicious supper for my loved ones tonight.
A day in which I will also be servicing my new 'old' bike, something which yesterday on the completion of work yesterday my boss gifted me,it is a hybrid mountain bike,best part of 500 quids worth of bike,ok it needs some love,I think my boss bought it and then after a few rides abandoned it in his shed.
He wheeled it out of his van and said this is for you,me I said why?? how much do you want?? what's the catch??
His answer one which humbled me greatly,he said you ride on that old banger of a racing bike,you never complain,you work hard,but most of all you seem to give out plenty in your life and expect nothing in return,he said you have taught me a valuable lesson in life,to embrace life.
He shook my hand,f**k I wanted to man hug him lol.
So I am again bowled over by recovery,my relentless pursuit of living again rewarded me,in a way I least expected.
So the old bike will be passed to good cause,there is a community project in the form of a shop that repairs and sells old bikes in town to help rehabilitate young offenders,later in the week I will pay them a visit and pass on the kindness of my gaffer.
So this morning I have had a good read around the forum,glad to see the wheels of recovery turn for many folk.
As for gambling as I wrote upon Robbybox's thread if you want to gamble it wont affect the outcome of my life,because my choice is made,actually reading about folks gambling gifts my resolve in a great way.
It builds my educated knowledge that for me total abstinence is the way forward,if you looked at the incoming wins they are by and large far outweighed by gambling losses,providing my mind with the fact that
Gambling is a total waste of time.
The random outcome of either sporting events out of your control to that of a number on a spinning wheel another random result to which you have no control would leave me on the roundabout,the same one I went around in circles on for twenty years before I found my exit road.
If we all took a balance sheet for our gambling lives,a wins column against a losses column
How many would not be if audited be declared bankrupt.
The story of my ridiculous gambling life
The incoming never enough to cover the outgoing,then made even worse everytime I laid another bet on another event to which the outcome would be 'random' out of my control.
For me taking a turn off that roundabout.
gifted me life,I left the futile act of gambling behind,yes I have to navigate across the odd roundabout at times,addiction tries it's kidology again
In truth thanks to this forum I get to see clear as day what abstinence gifts.
For it I thank you all.
Right off to wear out the hounds,then a day to enjoy the joy that is recovery
I did win because I did stop.
That is my choice,the one on offer to anyone who wants control,anyone who wants to be a winner.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back
Great attitude, stepping forward never back. To me going back is a life of lies and misery, well done keep going.
evening diary
Just got in from working a long day,after completing my own days graft I went to help a friend who is head chef of a very nice little pub in town
I will be doing the same tomorrow
Why??
because I can,because I no longer gift my life to the selfish act that is the lonely pursuit of the random outcome that is my life as a gambler,a compulsive gambler,I no longer live my life through the spin of a wheel,a horse running or a last minute goal.
None of those things would gift me the control my life gifts now.
I paid some cash into our bank account this afternoon between jobs,the lass behind the counter asked 'sir are you happy with this account,you could upgrade to an account with a debit card,allowing you to shop with it and purchase online'
My reply 'I am a recovering compulsive gambler the cash account we have has helped no end in the two and a half years since I started recovery,so no thanks'
An elderly women next in the cue said
'Well done you!!'
My reply 'thankyou'
I walked out of the bank ten feet tall.
I am proud to tell anyone about my gambling life,more so my recovery.
It really is a gift that never stops giving
Anyone who wants it,it is there,you simply just have to embrace it,with it you eliminate the loss of control,you become your own boss again
That feeling is worth more than any bet,to wage a single penny on an event I don't hold the reigns to,it's outcome beyond my control would be in the first instant foolish and the outcome completely futile.
The mantra I lived for twenty years
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP
has been fully reversed today
I did win because I did stop
f**k I love writing that.
my name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back
That feeling of pride is well deserved mate, and the cash account is a very good idea and one that most banks don't actively sell to customers. However, when it comes to recovering gamblers it is a godsend.
As for the bike, hope you really enjoy it and that it gets you from A to B a little bit quicker. I'm soon going to be turning that lust for a win to a lust for life, but right now, it seems to be just a lust for work!
All the best mate, hope the pork was nice!
Ryan
Morning Diary
Ryan fella thanks for the kind words.
So with my new pushbike that is ridiculously fast I get another 20 minutes at home before I have to leave for work,time spent topping up my resolve here,a place that really does gift my soul to continue making the right choice.
The latest bout of gout gone, a relief I can tell you all lol, physically I feel great,my body is without doubt in the best shape it has been in for many a year and ontop of that my mind is in such a great place at present.
No more fretting,the constant worry of loss,financial and mental loss in equal measure.
No more planting my life's fate on the outcome of a random event I have no control over.
f*****g hell to think of the ridiculousness of that belief I had that gambling one day would treat me differently, the outcome for me the same.
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
I don't live that life today,to I have measure.
The Sun is shining,this morning folk have a spring in their step again,heatwave on the way again I read,BRING it on!!!
So off to work,then off to help my friend.
The reward LIFE
A choice I take with great pleasure
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back
Morning diary
Well this morning I could write about the fella at work,the one who contributes nowt but bile to life,he is always ready to belittle folks efforts,but in doing so just further alienates himself from life,there is a great bunch of guys,yes we all have issues in life,we are dealing with them,for me we all choose life.
Then I could write about the foolish two lads circa twenty who pulled me over whilst I was cycling home,asking for 'a light'
then only for one of them to try and grab my bag in an attempt to mug me.
I hope they might wake up this morning thinking 'what hit me' 'maybe think twice about doing that again'
Sad thing is I saw something of my former self in there eyes,desperation.
I used to carry a roll of notes,thought it made me the big I am,thought folk measured my quality by the size of it,today I by choice carry no more than I will need,truly need.
If those lads needed a few quid they simply could have asked,if I had it about my possession I would have happily gifted it.
But I know like my gambling life,they thought the world owed them something,easy free money.
Instead of picking a random machine they randomly picked me,like my gambling life they lost more than they gained.
Ok my chin is a bit sore,one got a tasty right hand in,but f**k I have taken alot on the chin in life,another blow won't stop my relentless pursuit of life and I slept safe in the knowledge that they did'nt find a weaker target, ladies walk dogs along that pathway at all times of the day.
But what I focus on today,the balance is the fact that for the past hour my hounds have run free around the local football pitch,the goals are removed for the summer months,they bounded after their tennis balls,flew around relentlessly,as they did it they I swear they actually where smiling. When they had enough they stopped waiting for a well earned treat. Walking back across from the pitch an old fella caught my eye,he had been standing leaning on his walking stick the whole time we were there,he called me over and said 'Son you have made my day,I used to have those as a boy and I am so glad I came out this morning,thnkyou'
I said don't thank me thank the boys,they gift my life every day.
That old boy had a tear in his eye as he spoke,I felt an enormous sense of well being.
So to end we agreed the same time tomorrow lol!!
My life will like everyone else's always have things that rile me,things that don't make sense,folk who want to shoot me down for my efforts,but my life will always be one full of passion,love,laughter and a huge big smile.
Because I life in the knowledge that what I do today will be done to the best of my ability,it will be done in consideration for others,it will be this way because f**k what an ar##se hole I was for many years,the compulsion to gamble stole my emotions,my belief,my soul.
The financial side of life is actually the least important side,money is there to be earned and I will work hard for what I get weighed in but life is today about so much more than how much I have in my pocket,life is not measured by wealth.
Nothing comes for free, except recovery,it costs nothing but a ruthless evaluation of yourself,to do so you gift yourself LIFE
Today I choose it,right off to work,half day today as it is my day off lol, bless my beautiful wife is suffering this morning the results of a crown being fitted,well started to be fitted, but she went off to work,the kids have sats tests this week, she puts them first.
A truly amazing,beautiful,caring,loving person you are and I am blessed to have you as my best friend and wife to boot.
Our love unconditional
Your life in recovery rewards you equally.
My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back
Bloody hell dunc you don't half have some interesting days and stories to tell. Only just started reading this after you posted on my diary. It's really interesting seeing your positive outlook on life and where I want to be in a few years time. I hope reading this will give me strength to abstain and maintain.
Morning diary
Thanks rst18 you raised a huge smile when i read your post upon my thread,the diary I write is a true account of my recovery,the goings on in my life through the choice I make,f**k the stories I used to tell during my gambling life,the lies and the ridiculous nature of many of them,I lost many wallets,invested in many things,lent money,had money stolen,trains late,cancelled so on and so forth, all f*****g great big lies to allow me to chase the dream,or cover up the fact that again I had been chasing that pipe dream!!!!
So I reported the attempted mugging to the local bobby,I felt a need to as I would not wish it to happen again,certainly not to someone who could not defend themselves.
Yesterday I received a travel token through the post in response to my recent complaint I emailed about the poor quality of the local bus services,sad thing is it brought little satisfaction as the letter that accompanied it was simply awash with lies.
I am thinking of returning said voucher as to be truthful it made me feel dirty,like I was just jogged off by some suit who thought oh well it wont cost us for this fella to travel for free for a day,well this feeling was gifted through my gambling life many times,a win gifted but no feeling of winning to accompany it.
I would rather the bus company admit their own shortcomings than compensate me,I did not write for compensation, I wrote because I was annoyed at the basic failure the company appears to uphold to it's customers.
Sarah laughed and said I have gone all 'Victor' on her lol
The positive for me is on both counts I have sought an outcome,this is without doubt in my mind a huge gift of recovery,the ability to sweep up my mess,the ability to deal with the goings on in life,f**k in my gambling life I just left a trail of destruction,to which I would just move on to making more destruction,the piles of sh#it just growing,getting progressively worse as my gambling took more and more of my life.
Today I am dealing with those piles of sh##it as they arrive,also it gifts me the ability to gift the piles of sh#it I caused for twenty years my attention too,I am working through repairing the damage my addiction brought to the world,every day I truly to try to make amends for that destruction,that for me is what makes recovery a constant source of pleasure.
Again I gift myself control.
there is no room for me waging a single penny on an event that has a random outcome,something in which I hold no control.
Today I make a choice
That choice gifts my life exactly that LIFE
To which I take with both hands
Off to work shortly,two or three really busy days ahead,off to help out my friend in his pub this evening again,to which I have negotiated some tickets for the family by way of payment for a music festival later in the year.
My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back.
I congratulate you all for the effort you gift your own recovery,Shelly I am glad you choose to share your own journey here on the recoveries section,you above all another innocent victim of this addiction deserve to reap the rewards on offer.
Abstain and maintain
thanks for your post. Im going to give this a real go as you have.
Hi Duncs,
As you know, and as you're doing, you can't get too down about the things that do go wrong, mugging/bus company, its just a case of taking it on the chin and getting on with things. Another lovely day to take the dogs out if its anything like it is up here.
You're doing the right things, and the good things are coming back to you. Have a good weekend.
Ryan
Morning diary
Just a very quick fly by this morning,off to work shortly,got home at silly o'clock after a 13hr day and took myself straight off to bed,slept like a log,this morning I am fully refreshed and ready for another days graft.
I was thinking a great deal about my gambling life yesterday after posting and I concluded that whilst living as an active gambler I simply lived in the past,I lived on the memory of that jackpot,the first 4.20 that fell from that machine,it blinded my thoughts,my life was one that constantly looked back instead of forwards.
Was I trying to recapture that feeling of euphoria??,that very short lived buzz??
In truth I know I was,so it further concretes into my own mind that for me the relationship I had with gambling was not one for financial gain,it was one built on a 4.20 win on a fruit machine,for twenty years I gambled in a irrational manner in a futile attempt to regain that feeling.
Did I recapture that 'buzz'
In truth not once,wins actually left me with a feeling that was underwhelming,so on I would punt looking back for the 'buzz'
So for me that first win set the wheels in motion,I spent 20+ years looking back at it in the hopes I would feel it again.
Today I know that feeling would never return whatever I staked,I would if I gambled today just feel underwhelmed,deflated,abused by addiction.
The random outcome of a punt,to me what it is spelt disaster the first time I played.
Today really is about looking forward,today I build memories,every day new ones,in my gambling life I lived on a single memory,in reflection that is both sad and sobering.
Today I will cease the day,it is mine to behold
All because I made a choice
That choice
NO BET TODAY
The profit from that choice is LIFE
I hope it gifts the same to everyone who truly believes in it,that is what it takes,belief in looking forward.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back
Hi Dunc's... glad to see that your still going strong and continue to enjoy posting. As iv'e probably said before are gambling styles were pretty similar. Initially I had a real euphoria from walking up to a machine, putting a pound in and potentially winning a lot more than that pound. It was more the excitement of the win being just around the corner that drove me forward to put another pound and then another and then a 20 note and so on and so on.
After a time though no win was ever enough to crave my need for more. Eventually gambling was just something I did until I ran out of ammunition. It just became part of my routine until it destroyed me, until I destroyed myself. Thank fully I have now replaced gambling with other healthy pursuits, just as you have and I feel better for it.
Thanks for your support as always... S.A 🙂
Hi Duncs,
I love reading about your LIFE without gambling in it!! Keep living, loving, and choosing LIFE!! -joanxxx
Evening diay
well home from work,another long day I left at 7 this morning and got home at 9 tonight,I promised the hounds this morning as they danced around my feet that tonight we would take a walk,so as promised I got my walking shoes on my weary feet and off we set,we got home 45 minutes later,the hounds out of breathe emptied their water bowls lol,the rabbits were every ten feet across the hi##ll,they chased one which led them to another each time the rabbit outwitted them dashing into the brush,me I walked in the tranquility of the quiet,watching the sun set over the city I love,everything I hold dear beneath me,my house a distant spec on the landscape,but even up on the hilltop the love radiated clean through me,I smiled to myself because an hour before whilst waiting for a bus I found myself stood outside an amusement arcade,the flashing lights trying to lure me in,my resolve strong,my want to get home and forefill my promise greater than the temptation to feed my addiction.
I get it,this morning I wrote about my early gambling life,the passion for the fruit machine,tonight stood outside a place full of them addiction tugged at my heart,it tried to get to enter for old times sake, but the truth is I left the past behind me,I am fully aware what feeding my addiction would gift me,not a walk down memory lane but another dose of misery,199 days ago today I scatched the itch addiction caused,it caused me to wake up to the reason I stopped.
Tonight walking with my beautiful hounds I saw why,walking through the door battered from a hard days work the cuddle my beautiful wife gifted me the same understanding,seeing my boys sitting enjoying each others company too,the knowledge that my daughter put herself to bed after supper before I returned from work because she has an A level to sit tomorrow equally makes me understand fully why recovery is to me so important.
Because yes Joan my dear friend today I was gifted a life,one to embrace not load into a machine in the selfish act that is gambling.
Funny I must have stood at that bus stop countless times before today,but only today I noticed that arcade,for me not a test,not something to feel I missed out of the opportunity of,no thrill or buzz to be found in there,just broken dreams covered up by the blinding flashing lights,lights I gifted my last penny to 199 days ago.
Today I have been empowered,enlightened,envigourated
All gifts of making a choice
My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back.
Dear duncs
Congratulations on turning your back on the pull of the flashing lights. Leave them to those who wish to damage their self respect & lose more than just money.
Wishing good luck to your daughter for her A levels & wishing you a safe and fulfilling week ahead.
Shelly
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