Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

thanks dunc for all help much appreciated, simon

Just poppin' by to say hi .... I continue to enjoy reading your thread. One line in particular got to me ... how you used to accept this as life.... I am trying hard these days to follow your lead and the lead of others here who have lessons to teach us through their successes and failures. Slowly starting to make some progress myself. Glad to see things continue to go well for you. Keep on keeping on! Best to you.

Morning diary

thanks for all the wonderful comments I am honoured to share this journey with you all,we all stand together to rid the waste of time in our lives that is gambling.

So the rain is hammering down,but it won't dampen my spirits,off to work shortly,two days hard graft ahead then two whole days off,two days to enjoy the company of my wonderful family.

We had an amazing evening last night,fantastic curry and Chocolate cake!!!

Delicious.!!!

So I have taken the hounds for a run,topped up the potatoes that are growing in a sack in the garden with soil

Then I stood admiring the roses,a bush I planted for our 5th wedding anniversary,they are in full bloom,beautiful big white flowers.

The variety 'Happy days'

Happy days indeed.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

stepping forward never back

Sounds like you have had a fantastic few days with your wife and family. So important. Your family is the rock on which you build your life. Gambling caused me to neglect my family. Now I am neglecting gambling to concentrate more on my family.

Do you know what happened to Getting There? Did he permanently leave this forum? He was, like you, a great servant to this online community.

morning diary

I used to all through my gambling life lurch gung ho from one thing to the next,no purpose to anything all just in the chase of the next punt.

I could never truly get ahead,never make closure on the events in my life,always chasing financial gain but ending up with financial carnage,time and time again we had the finances to forefill the needs but always dashed,destroyed by my gambling activity.

Rather than draw a line under the loss,my gambling brain would taunt me,plead with me that it would be different next time.

The truth is it never was,no win big enough,no gain ever satisfying,just the relentless throwing notes into a 500 jackpot dream breaker until the walk of shame.

Today stood in recovery I can truly see how f*****g truly mad this is,to repeat the same cycle for twenty years and not once truly believe there was an another way,addiction,the compulsion to relentlessly chase all consuming.

When new posts appear upon the diaries I re-live the feeling,it hits me like a right hand,except today it doesn't hurt,gambling the compulsion to gamble no longer has it's hold upon my mind.

I walked in those shoes for twenty years,truly bent to breaking point by a compelling obsession to gamble,I really did gift my entire being to the futile act of the punt.

Do I miss it??

Why would you miss something that beat you up??

Do I share brain space with addiction??

Of course I do,it will live with me forever,it will tap away with it's tiny hammer in the hope I will fall back into it's arms.

But today I know what recovery means,gifts and delivers.

It takes effort,courage and yes in somes ways I see it as a new compulsion.

The difference with this compulsion is each day as I rest my head there is closure,no fall out to face,no destruction to repair or run from.

Just the knowledge that I will awake after actually sleeping and want to do it again.

This is what recovery offers today,yes folk will say I flower up life,the normal things I find exceptional are nothing to sing about,that my life is 'normal'

Those words raise a huge smile

Why??

Because I have the opportunity to do whatever I want to do today,I am not shackled to addiction,it does not hold the reigns,it's like the bully at school I outgrew physically and it cowers in the corner trying to make me forget the sh#it it reaped upon my life,the life of others and in doing so it tries to paper over those cracks.

See addiction in my mind just takes,it never gives.

Me I forgive myself for being an addict,that is a choice I have,I give everything I have to recovery,because it never ceases to impress me with what it gifts.

Today I believe in living in harmony with the bully that was my compulsion to gamble because I can,I won't turn my back,run away there is no need to.

This is what is on offer

All you have to do is open the door to recovery,whilst doing so you shut the door to oblivion.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back.

Hi,

You speak with such resolve and conviction. Keep it up. Its helped me.

The other day you mentioned to someone that the only one who can do this(stop) is the person with the problem. I needed to hear that I forget sometimes.Im the only one with myself 24 hours a day and know me the most. Sometimes I wanted it automatic and the days to roll on without thinking or having to do anything about the problem. Constant responsibility and awareness or I will be gone. I cant escape the fact that I am a problem gambler, always possessed and obsessed and impaired if I put that first bet. Now, the moment of now is the point of power. Yesterday gone, Tomorrow who knows how strong I can be. Now.

Also very interesting how you put it that you live in harmony with the addiction however your aware of what it has done and what it can still do. I needed to hear that. No matter how much I hate it and say I will never do it again I have to find some sort of peace to live today. Very true balance and good way of putting it for yourself. If you are living in harmony with the addiction you are open. If everything is hostile in your mind its only going one way.

Thank you for actively posting on a regular basis.

I have stopped for 13 days now and I want to stay stopped. I have been to 2 GA meetings in this period. I feel a bit better. One thing that has really standed out for me is what price do you put on not smiling when it is time to smile. If I hear something funny or a good song on the radio I feel happier or laugh. If I gamble this would be taken away from me. Taking my smile away is not worth any money in the world. Nothing has threatened it before except for compulsive gambling. Compulsive gambling takes things which should never be taken

A great post as always Duncan

So lovely to read that every day brings you joy and happiness in every thing you do and see.

My sincerest wishes for a perfectly successful day in all you choose to do

Shelly

Duncan you truly are the MAN ! i am in awe as always... Dark Place

Hi Duncan,

Your post about beating the gambling bully is one that has clearly struck a chord, and it did with me too. At times I feel like I have outgrown the bully, and I'm kicking its a**e, and others I feel like I'm just jabbing and circling to keep him off me. Recovery is the gift that keeps on giving though, and embracing your new life is clearly something that is working!

All the best mate,

Ryan

Morning diary

So yesterday I had a day off,a family day,lunch out,the five of us,laughing,joking and smiling.

Then home to watch some catch up tv and then I serviced youngest's pushbike,new brake cables,pads and a good oil up.

Yesterday was one of our payday's a day in my gambling life that would have been spent gambling,more than likely gambling to the daily withdraw limits of my bank account,the only achievement to come from it would have been the gift of self loathing,financial carnage and the catalogue of lies that I would have spun Sarah and the kids,the false promises made,to be broken.

Today another day off would have been spent chasing the losses,further damaging the bank account,instead my Ma is visiting with Ed,a leg of english lamb awaits roasting thanks to that store that again has it half price Thankyou!!

Another day to suck it all in,another day to hold in the memory bank,another day to treasure life.

I used to drink beer at every opportunity,I would use it to enhance my 'buzz' funny because I rarely take a beer now,yes my health is partly key to that but the truth is today I don't need to enhance the 'buzz' life gifts,I don't want anything to cloud those memories I am making.

Again Shelly b's thread sobering in my thoughts,I really don't have anything to give her back for the gift her diary bestows upon my life,the profound effect it has to read the life of the innocent victim of the selfish act of another addicts gambling,for me it is like looking back at what all the time I gambled I couldn't see.

But that is life in addiction,no matter how many folk try to gift you some powerful,amazing and knowledgeable advice it just falls upon deaf ears.

I selfishly ceased days off to feed my addiction,with embarrassment I can write that I even proclaimed to be off to work,instead off to gamble 'addiction' twisting my mind into thinking that my own gambling was a form of 'work'

In the cold light of day who would work hard then 'pay' to go to work on their days off!! f*****g madness, a madness today I am honoured to be gifted the ability to see.

Shelly B I salute you,I thank you for the courage you have found to be honest,to show the world those wounds,I hope they heal,yes there will be scars,but be safe in the knowledge that no more salt can be poured into them.

Right off to walk the hounds,then off to shop for the tins and jars of food for the oncoming month!! when you have a pushbike as your transport batch shopping is the way forward lol,I refuse to waste money on a taxi fare!! that is in my mind three tins of delicious corned beef!!!!!!!

funny how life in recovery changed my perception of the pound

f**k me I would watch a hundred pound spin around a wheel in the hope the random outcome would benefit me,yet today I want to get the full value of my hard earned.

As Robbybox gifted this forum with the wise words I will again share

GAMBLING IS A WASTE OF TIME

no truer words written

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Morning duncs

Thank you for your kind words as always

For me reading your thread backs up the thoughts that the path I have now chosen is the right one.

I will use the term chosen loosely as I'd never have chosen to walk away from my marriage

It was more a 2 futures mapped out in front of me. One road led to annual lies broken promises and dreams debts and half a man stood in front of me that was dead behind the eyes

The other road was one of single parent hood struggling on my own to make sense of what's gone on for 15 years BUT it's also full of security and dreams that no one can take away from me and my children.

No more broken promises and empty gestures

Of course the road I would have chosen when I met fell in love and married my husband was that of a happy family life sharing the good times supporting each other through the bad but coming through it all stronger than before. A family that laughs together stays together

I didn't get that. I was led to believe with each bout of gaming and promised recovery it was possible. But that's all it was. Another lie.

Myself and the kids were prepared each and every time to forgive him and support him. He took that love screwed it up threw it to the floor and wiped his feet on it

Not just once but time time and time again

I am safe now. He can't do it anymore to me. There are other ways he hurts me now. He has very little contact with the kids. The odd text that's it. My boys aren't in a place where they want to be around him much but that too is down to the way he treated and continues to treat them.

It's his loss at the end of it all. They'll grow up knowing they had the constant love and support of me their siblings my mum and their cousins.

Even his mum and dad don't contact them because of what their son has done. But again that's their loss. I'm not chasing them to repair his damage.

I commend you on the effort you put in to your family and life.

I guess I'm a little jealous of Sarah that she has a husband who found his love for her greater than any machine with flashing lights that was only programmed to rob you.

May life continue to reward you x

Shelly

duncan, as you know iam new to this site and have read alot.of your diary. you are truly an inspiration. im on my 5th xay tomorrow. no problem so far and iam in the right moof to expect there NOT to be a problem. as you say one day at a time

stepping forward, never back

bring it on!!

all the best

gazza

Thanks for the salute. I just had an enjoyable read of your thread and can see that you are still doing well and also actively helping many people. A big well done on both counts! DB

Evening diary

thanks for popping by DB,it is great to walk along side you upon this journey fella.

I had a truly lovely day off yesterday,my Ma and her Ed visited from Somerset, we had a great day,walked the hounds for miles,had a delicious supper of roasted lamb and enjoyed the company of each other.

Back to work today,a long day grafting,but another rewarding day,work days come and go,my effort not wavering to earn my money through putting in the maximum effort I can gift,a polar opposite to the days where I would sit numbed in front of a machine feeding all the money I could get my hands upon expecting to earn 'free money',money without effort. Of course those days of being gifted that free money came few and far between and even when they did the money was more times than not wasted no sooner than it was given,usually thrown straight back into the 500 dream breaker.

Typing those words hit's home like a sledge hammer,the truly ridiculous nature of my gambling,the money secondary to my futile compulsion to relentlessly pursue something that was never going to be found in a machine,the truth is the 'big' win simply doesn't exist.

Add that to the fact the outcome of a punt is 'random' and in the eyes of recovery I am again blessed with the knowledge that

'gambling is a waste of time'

So today I made a choice based on fact

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No Bet today

Stepping forward never back

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP

Morning Diary

So up with the larks this morning,tended to the garden with sarah,enjoying the cool air of the morning,the strawberry plants are packed with fruit,the rose is gifting more blooms and the spuds are looking like they may outgrow there sack!!!

all the rewards of a few minutes time A day,far more rewarding than sitting in front of a machine,spinning my life away.

Building life on the outcome of an event I had no control over,the random outcome that is a punt,in black and white looks exactly what it is ridiculous.

The zoning out,the detachment from the world as a result of the act of gambling the reward,to become so delusional that gambling would reward me,that I actually enjoyed gifting my hard earned to the repeated cycle of loss is today something that I see is ridiculous at best.

I guess that view is the view of the industry,that a rational thinking person must look at folk like me and say WHY??

It is true for me that only another addict will truly understand the nature of the compulsion to gamble their life away,that only a fellow gambler who has shared the descending red mist that comes with the futile act of gambling will ever understand why we relentlessly throw life at the outcome of something we cant control the result of and even if 'knowledge' gifts a win it will never be enough,we will gift it back and some.

I asked myself this question again today

Would you come to work today and graft all day,at it's conclusion we will just burn your money???

f**k I might as well have done that for twenty years!!!

I never had much 'knowledge' as a gambler,addiction locked it away,in recovery I got the key back

For that I thank all of you who gift me the ability to keep it,that key,the door locked addiction on the other side of the door.

I poke my middle through the letter box often,why??

Because I can!!

Today I am reminded of the wise words of my dearly departed GA member Dave(R.I.P) who used to say

'I am waiting for the fella to walk through the doors of this room and say Help me I can't stop winning!!'

Dave attended GA for 25 yrs and never witnessed it,we all know why!!

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back