Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi duncs

Thank you for the post on my diary it was lovely to wake up to

From forming my friendship away from the forum with castle and the very adorable Jess it has helped me on my quest to understand

Part of me punished myself for not being able to.

I'm fairly intelligent. I have studied hard over the years to gain qualifications I understood some pretty complicated study books and worked my head around it. So why did I find compulsion of others and my own life so d**n difficult

Thro talking with castle I'm learning more about myself. I ask some pretty tough questions and I always get a straight forward answer. 1 cup of coffee last a2 hour in depth conversation. But I walked away having learnt. My quest for knowledge will always be there.

We talk about levels of compulsion. This I now understand.

I'm grateful to you for steering him on to the family forum as he says it's down to you we are both where we are now.

I'm proud to call him an honest friend. Honesty being the only thing I have room for in my life

Shelly

Hi Duncs

Great post to read and thank you for sharing. Yes recovery is bespoke and good things are not stopping coming as we keep making the right choice 🙂

Thank you for your continued support, glass is half full once again and it will stay this way.

Have a lovely weekend and enjoy!

S x

Thanks for your for your kind words on my diary duncan

Morning Diary

Shelly great to read you are learning,making yourself stronger in the process.

Funny for me the question of levels of compulsion was one I hid the answers to until the last bet I had,on the 30/10/2013 twenty two plus months without a bet I went back at it,I answered the door to my addiction and it was like nothing had changed,the only thing that had happened was I had not gambled for a long period,I had to see the damage gambling brings for real to understand why for me any form of gambling in my life is totally unacceptable,I peeled off some more layers that day I went back at it,funny thing is nobody on my immediate outside world thought it would happen,they had become complacent to my recovery,maybe they thought I was 'cured' 'over it'

Only my actions that day sort me to take my recovery further,on the 31/10/2013 I entered recovery,the place I have been ever since 'in recovery'

For me I am compulsive,I am gung ho,I am all or nothing

Whether that is a packet of biscuits,book,or a punt I am all in,I go full on at it until the end.

But today I am fully aware that with gambling there is no end game,I can't turn off the switch,there is no plug to pull,I am a compulsive gambler,I will be one for life,just today I know I have a choice to make,either I stay in recovery or I take a punt,that could come in any form and the result would be I would be compelled to gamble on,win or lose until the pot emptied.

So inviting gambling into my life again would have one result,the same result it had for twenty years.

That result is I would lose,the end game would I know only come with the end of my life,that is the bare faced truth of it.

That I know for me is the weakness,the easy option,to throw my arms in the air and blame my addiction,to for all intents give up.

So to be honest I really don't get the levels of compulsiveness because surely if you are a compulsive gambler you are all in,you don't have an out game,there is simply no win that will make you stop,one form of gambling can simply be replaced with another,the result would always be the same.

As a result,to me we are all the same,nobody is more or less compulsive,debt or the size of punts don't prove it,because for me the damage is not financial and as I have written many times the footballer and the window cleaner in my GA room are in that room equal,they both have the same compulsion to gamble,the damage to their lives equal,the mind f**k the same.

For me the best thing is that by throwing all I have to give to recovery I have been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams

I have met some truly outstanding folk,I have a family with values,honesty and a great deal of fun,love,I have short and long term goals,I see a future,I can deal with people,good and bad.

I am relentless in the pursuit of recovery,every day it gifts something new,things I ignored,things I forgave to feed my compulsion to gamble.

If this is 'normal' then I am delighted with it,it is amazing,my advice try it!!

Risk it on a punt??

no f*****g chance.

Gambling is an act of a random outcome,an act I have no control in the outcome of,for twenty plus years I trod that path,a path of misery,self loathing and worst of all,a blaming of anyone or anything else for my own shortcomings,a bitterness towards others and there good fortunes in life.

To which for twenty years I let my compulsion throw my own dreams at an act of self gifted madness,losing to the point it broke me.

The one thing I will say is you don't have to lose it all to stop,once you have arrested the punt it is for me is about understanding why

From this that mantra turned upside down

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP

Embrace it,enjoy it

It costs nothing but effort,determination and a want to win.

That is what abstinence offers

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler

No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Morning Dunc's,

Great post. I also know what it feels like to go for a decent length of time gambling free only then to gamble again as if the time in between had never happened. It was straight back to the deep end, straight back to all or nothing mentality, straight back to the financial drain and personal misery, shame, guilt and lying... the guilty secret returned in an instant!

In a way though as you imply its a good piece of learning in that it doesn't matter how long since the last bet... the action and outcome is always as it was before. That's why we all need to keep in touch with the reasons why we don't want to gamble anymore through reading about others experiences and the pain they feel.

I have this compulsion for life. It never fully goes away.. but at the moment I have it arrested, cuffed and pinned in the corner, just as you do my friend. Onwards and forwards, gambling free... regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Duncs

Thankyou for your message this morning I did read it before work but no time to reply

Reading your kind words immediately made me feel better and more able to face the day at work

I love dogs but 14 next door is far too much and I actually worry about them being in outhouses all day

They are used for racing no surprise

Good job I never bet on dogs lol

Seriously It could have triggered me but it didn't and why should I let selfish neighbours ruin my recovery

I have rose above the situation and learnt from it

Thankyou

Suzanne xx

Hi Duncs

Thank you for your post upon my tread the other day. As always every s8ngle word said as been taken on board. Thank you my friend.

Sometimes even if I think I do right thing writing on these pages, there is well uneasy feeling thinking I am doing wrong. Not taking sides eh...still learning to find that medium between person in recovery and hurting other half. Maybe I will get there one day, but respect and honesty always comes first and it's there for everyone to see.

Rambling here and not even sure what's the point of it...I suppose we are not perfect in any way.

Keep making the right choice and all the best

S x

Duncan

many thanks for your post and such kind words I think the one thing we now both appreciate is family values its been an honour to walk by your side on our journeys the respect is very much mutual

the inspiration you have provided for so many is endless myself I have took so much from your recovery , in Jan i left the forum a while and the inevitable happened on my return I once again tried something different I had always noticed how you supported many parts of the forum and was inspired to do the same it opened my eyes even more to the devastation gambling can bring but this time I looked into the eyes of innocent people who through no fault of their own suffered it made me look at my own recovery what could have been with Jess thankfully it never did but I knew gambling had the destruction to take me there

over the weeks I have formed a relationship which in truth would never have thought could happen someone who has been through so much but yet finds it in her heart not to judge when no one could blame her for if she had she has given me belief made me feel no shame only pride of what I have achieved in return I can offer support for her family , all I know I have made a friend for life and ultimately strengthen both our recoveries and for me that's what this is all bout

I couldn't have done that without your inspiration and for that I am eternally grateful

castle2

Hi Duncs,

i remember you writing on my diary in the past and you were so encouraging then.

Just want to thank you for writing/posting again, it really means alot to know people like yourself will continue and encourage a life free from gambling.

We are all one bet away from destruction and we have to be on our guard always, that is one thing you remind us all about and it the importance of complacency. It is what I take from your diary that inspires me to stay on this journey of recovery,

Thanks again Duncs and I echo the words of Castle2. Eternally grateful to you and all who are battling this illness. JFT

Hope x

Hi Duncs,

Woooah....another fan.....Hey mate u celebrity now...complete with fluffy hair....you just know i'm giggling my pants off now eh?

Can't echo enough what others have said......Thank you for all the support you give me ...and all the other lost souls.

Thank you my friend.

Sue xxx

Evening diary

Well I typed a huge post yesterday that I deleted before sending, why??

Because the truth is the forum will always have different views,cross overs that cause the forum to suffer,folk will come and go,some without getting the help they deserve,some with the strength to live in abstinence without the forum being a constant in their lives.

But the truth is I don't want to stand on a soap box,I am not here to mediate,I am here to recover.

I am humbled and embarrassed at the status folk appear to give me at times,there are many more folk with more gamble free time under their belts here,the knowledge I write about is all knowledge gifted to me along the way,the support I give to folk is for me returning the amazing support folk have gifted me along the way.

I see knowledge as power today

I also see power has responsibility because the truth is my addiction is still as powerful today as it was the day I walked through the doors,I still have to battle it every day,I still dream about gambling,my addiction tries most days to suck me back in,by the words written on my thread each day I am showing my addiction why I simply won't fall foul to it's charms

Because I know my addiction is a 'wolf' wearing 'sheeps' clothing.

It would just gift my life another f*****g pile of sh#it and misery.

I know the folk close to me understand more today about my daily battle,they understand why I behave the way I do,my beautiful wife doesn't question my commitment to the forum,she respects it's a part of my life,recovery is and always will be a part of my life,I understand why I can't let it go and in equal measure I understand what complacency would offer

An open door for addiction to saunter through.

I will write now the one person in my family who today needs praise is again my eldest Son,our Joe 20yrs old is off his own back organising a Poetry evening with some seriously talented poets in a local theatre

Why???

To give something back to support gambling addiction,he has dedicated a great portion of his time recently to this because he wants to give back to the thing he in his own words saved his Dad's life.

That is worth putting on a pedestal,that today gets my Salute

Joseph my son I know you don't read the forum,but you really are something to behold,you have an outstanding talent in your writing,for sharing it to gift others the opportunity I have received is an act of great humility

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Hi mate am back once again a broken man.so gutted for everyone av let down from myself to wife,family and everyone on hear that has wished me all the best.you must be so proud of your son. Anyway am back again to give this me best shot. Day

3 tomorrow,a long wae back but its a start.

Scottyboy

Hi Duncan

Just popping to thank you for your post. I was going to lavish praise but seem to have been beaten to it by about a million people!

You say your humbled and embarrassed by your status. I see it simply as a case of you getting back what you put in.

All the best

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for the post ......Not going to lavish praise tonight....just thanks for being you!

Sometimes we wanna go "where everybody knows your name"......Cheers Duncs!

Much love and respect to you and your amazing family.

Was made up to here about how special Joe is...How proud are you and Sarah eh.......and how would you feel if you were still gambling...Nuff said!

Sue xx

Hi Duncs

Just a quick "hello" and happy to read that you're feeling better. As usual, its a pleasure to read your writings. You're still an inspiration to me!

take care

Irene

x