Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

I've seen that man: staring @ me, heard him muttering, calling me names, under his breath when I 'won', almost but not quite managed to walk out of the bookies because of him...That is NOT the man I see today! That man is not the gentle giant that took time out of his life to offer the hand of friendship to 2 fellow addicts & help them on their journeys!

Duncs that is the man you left behind & the reason for stepping forwards never back!

I'm glad for everyone especially your loving family (4 legged ones included) that you found you!

Thank-you for helping gift me recovery - ODAAT

Hi
Duncan

Bring back the old pic!!

Just wanted to say, using one of your sayings. It appears from peering over the fence that you seem to be finding frustrations around how others view recovery. Since returning from your holiday your posts seem to have a little sadness around them . I could be wrong & if so apologise for my misinterpretation.
I can only speak from my experience, yours may be very different, on this road towards recovery i encounter many bumps & obstacles, some i navigate easily, others i have to take a run up to get over, sometimes having to go back to the start to find a way to get over it or around it.
Apologies again if i have misread between the lines.

Dan

Hi Duncs,

Wow! I am actually scared of this pic :-(...you look angry/arrogant and just a little trouble maker..
Good job i have met with real Duncan who is like day and night from this lad!
You found recovery, you are compassionate, understanding, inspiring, honest person and im sooo glad i have an opportunity to share recovery journey with you!
Thank you so much for everything, best wishes to Sarah and of course woofs to your little furry friends 🙂

Ps..please get that awesome bird nest bk as your pic :-)))) it suits you better

S x

Hey Duncs, it is kind of scary 🙂 looks like a prison shot ohh lol, but that was you then, not now, look how you have changed inside and out.

Be very proud you have come soo very far on your recovery journey.

Suzanne xxx

Afternoon diary

On a late start today before a day's rest tomorrow.

Dan,fella I am aware of the plain fact that I cannot change the actions of anybody but myself and since returning from my holidays I know that a portion of my brain believes that I am not worthy of 'enjoying' life and seeks to find punishment.

I am aware fully that depression runs deep within my brain and addiction used that as the gateway to taking control.

So what do I do to defend my mind?

I believe that I unconsciously revisit the 12 steps, I reevaluate how I can improve my life and my mental being.

Without doubt for twenty years I sought escapism in one form or another

Today I seek to simply arm myself the ability to face up to the portion of my mind that needs attention not escape.

I am fully aware that this is a selfish act, but equally I allow myself to seek whatever will guide my mind into safety.

To have lived recklessly damaging the good in your life because of the nature of your brain compels you to do so is something I will battle with for the rest of my life,currently I am in control.

Because I do have a belief in the commitment I have made to pursue recovery.

As I wrote I live in a glass house, it's fragile, for me there are times when I can't seem to let go of the bag of rocks I hold, I tried foolishly to bury them for a great number of years,or let aaddiction pelt them my way.

I accept holding onto the bag is enough, that act gifts my ability to have harmony.

Meeting some amazing folk recently away from the forum was the reason I posted my previous profile, because I know that by doing so I gifted an understanding.

I still await there gamcare review of the finest food I am sure that they must have sampled when I left them on Friday! !

As I cursed my own self for visiting that side of the hi#ll and not paying homage to 'Mick' lol.

My life improved and still does immeasurably since the day I sort recovery.

For it I am further compelled to continue to enjoy it's rewards.

None of which could be found in a bookies!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs

Im glad to hear all is well.

Your commitment to your new life is admirable & despite what our brains try to tell us, we are very worthy of the good things life has to offer.

I have learnt a great deal from your posts & i thankyou for continuing to share them with us all.

Now get that bl oody e-fit pic off & give us back the smiley curly haired Dunc!

Dan

Evening diary.

Well I know that I have wanted to follow up with a new profile picture and in doing so I introduce Mrs mcquilken, my soulmate andbest ffriend, for twenty three years we have been together, through those years I have treated her horrendously at times, her unconditional love and support has never waivered,at times I have inwardly questioned why,today I can unconditionally gift back the same.

I am coming through the other side of my recent engagement of a dance with the dark side of my brain, depression hitting me with waves, my inner nature seeking survival, which I know is better found without a punt.

That way me and the better half can continue to enjoy recovery and the opportunities it gifts.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yay, that's much better & is it wrong that I wanna tell you you are punching well above your weight 😉

I figured that, even when we came to see you you were battling your inner demons & I cannot even begin to thank you for pushing them aside to share your recovery with us! I am so glad through your own recovery you are finding a way out of this dark time! You had already gifted me with more than a stranger could ever wish for, I have no words that will do this justice so I will just say 'thanx' & I know you will understand that it comes from deep within me, a place that until very recently I thought was devoid of emotion!

The ramblings on my diary aside, we could not have visited Mick without you & so I hold you both to our return visit sometime in the not too distant future!

Marching ever onwards - ODAAT

Lovely pic of you and your better half, xx

Hope your dark cloud has lifted, sometimes after a lovely holiday ( especially if we have not had one in a long time) we come home to reality and it can make us feel depressed for a while, I only went to Skeggie lol, and I came home feeling somewhat flat, and as for the doggie, well she still hasn't come round lol.

I truly hope it's just post holiday glums dear friend, and I know you will be giving that addiction some fighting stick,

Take care and remember it's ok to look back as long as we don't stare.

Suzanne xxx

Evening diary.

Thanks for your ongoing support folks, I am coping with the inner demons within my mind, I have had ridden through a great feeling of overwhelming self loathing over the past few weeks, I understand that the protagonist was our first holiday abroad,and the mindset that followed has been one of overriding guilt, the what could have been in my life, which with honesty I willfully gambled away and the return to life since our holiday has had some massive knock on effects.

My boss was riding my emotions, in truth he used my mental weaknesses for his own gain since our first meeting.

In the three years working for him I have committed to the 'cause' above and beyond many other folk and I have seen that first hand since I have returned, by taking something back for duncs appeared to disgruntle the fella to the point where he questioned not only my commitment but my loyalty and Last Thursday I took his invitation to leave my employment.

I couldn't let myself be abused for another single working day so I made a decision, for me a life choice, one which will gift my own life, because without doing so I knew the possibility of walking a path I choose not to could have easily became reality.

Funny because when I called it in I got 'I thought you were a friend' thrown in my face.

Funny because it left me with the very same feeling I got the last day that I fed my addiction.

So today I have worked another job, one I took the afternoon I quit, not cooking but a stop gap to keep finances rolling into the bank,one that will gift my self the ability to seek the right job of employment, one were I am at equal terms with my employer.

My previous boss used my addiction to his own gain, he saw it as a weakness and fed my mind with insecurities.

Yes my addiction is my acillies heel, but recovery has become my life, recovery brings strength and honour to my being,recovery has become the master and through it I can commit to many other things without addiction destructing the picture,because I am a recovering addict doesn't mean I crave special attention or sympathy, it for me shows a simple desire to be equal. nothing more, nothing less.

I have learnt the value of my efforts and I am aware that money is for me merely a tool to function with.

My life goal is to be at harmony with the man I stare back at in the mirror, from that I can enjoy the riches my life has gifted me.

Those riches cannot be 'won' or 'bought' today I understand that.

Tonight I watched the first installment of the much coverted bbc documentary, two things stood out.

First I believed that the bbc are not permitted to 'advertise'

Hello I just watched a one hour advert! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Secondly why is the world so frightened to commit to calling the compulsion to gamble an ADDICTION

A problem can be fixed, my gambling addiction simply can't.

I wish that the world would accept this as a fact.

I look forward to watching next week.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Abstain and maintain

Hi Duncs,

As I said last week your EX boss is a nasty person ( wonder what his hang ups are lol) well we know one he is a downright BULLY,

As you say sometimes, nothing changes if nothing changes, and you my friend have made a big positive change, which now will strengthen your resolve even more.

Well done my friend, keep strong and keep abstaining and maintaining.

That nasty man at your ex TWERK is nothing but a BERK

Suzanne xxx

Overwhelmed is such a descriptive word for the panic in my mind recently. After months and months of fighting I ran out of energy and faith at the same time.

So good to see you are making decisions that will support your recovery, shame you don't live this way, they have just closed the golf club restaurant near me and someone creative like you could have made a killing there.

Off abroad next week to meet up with my ex who is very ill so safe from the demons til I get back when battle commences yet again. Jeez this life is f*****g hard work sometimes.

xxx

Hi
Dunc

We can get the monkey off our back but the circus never leaves town does it?
I was told true forgiveness towards ourselves can never be found while we continue to hope our past was different.

I have been to the places in my mind many times during my recovery that you talk about, its all part of the process. Sometimes we glide through our recoveries other times we have to be dragged kicking & screaming through it.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice the comfort of what we are today for the betterment of what we can become tomorrow.

Dan x

Hi Dunc's

I think your working recovery really well my friend. You recognise whats going on for you and your working it through and coming to terms with what you need to come to terms with.

I can understand your thoughts on holidays. I haven't been on a holiday for 15 years and more, due to addiction and my mindset.

As for work situations and a parrallel to your work situation, I confided in my immediate boss ( a teacher), that I was struggling as to whether to attend interview for permanent position. She replied with lots of supportive comments about how good I was, comments that i'd never heard from her in person before. In the end I didn't attend interview and as soon as she found this out all communication immediately stopped. In short "I was no longer of any use to her" Am still unsure of how I feel about this. Its just buisness the way of the world I guess. We were never friends really... not alot in common. We'd worked together for 18 months. She recognised that I was good with particular children and she wanted me in the class but now she see's that am probably moving on, thats the end..like a guilotine, finished, gone, caput.

As you say its about people taking advantage of our personalities for their own gain. My history is that I am easilly manipulated to fit in with what other people want and struggle to work out what is best for me. I get frustrated with myself and others get frustrated with me.

From what you say, you did the right thing for yourself. I;d imagine that as time passes this will become clearer and clearer and the inner demons will melt away.

All the best mate... S.A

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for all your input folks and a big thankyou to Sandra who behind closed doors has been checking on my progress in my absense from my diary.

I have learnt through recovery that I have to put myself and my needs first, because without doing so I know only too well what the outcome will be, I isolate myself, detach from the world and sink into seeking escapism in whatever form it comes.

So I had a day off and threw myself at work, not cooking but something to simply add coins to bank balance whilst I weight up what I want to do in the future.

I work to live today not the opposite life that I followed.

The truth is today I feel like I have lifted a huge weight from my shoulders, I feel clarity of thought and understand that my life today is under my constant evaluation and I have a quest to live with as much joy and happiness as I find through my commitment to facing the true fella I am.

I know depression and self loathing will feature, I equally know that I can walk through their presence without hitting the self destruct button.

I have a wonderful network of support and all the folk in my life are there for good reason.

I fully appreciate all I have and try to give as much as I can to others to boot.

So the mac household sails along searching for continued harmony and happiness

Sarah has six weeks off,house painting, some craft projects and a visit to my Ma's on her calendar

For two of the past three days it has poured with rain here, the hounds have only seen the top of the hi#ll once! !!

I blame the sailing! Which today I heard was cancelled due to the wind and rain! !!

Lol water and wind I thought were the perfect ingredients for such an event lol

So

All is well here I will continue seeking to take the right path for me

That starts and ends through making a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.