Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs - thank you very much for the genuinely kind words you posted on my diary. When I decided to post again I thought of you as you are a great example of continuing to post through the good and not so good times.

I look forward to reading how well you are doing - you really do inspire me with your focus and understanding.

Regards

Dave
'I cannot gamble because I cannot stop'

Morning diary

Thanks for all your kind words, they humble me greatly.

So I have been to the suppliers this morning, callum helped load the order for another busy weekend, then home and walked the hounds across the hi #ll, made a huge lasagne for supper now off to work the early before heading home to enjoy an evening withmy aamazing family.

Yesterday we went to town and sorted callums suit for his upcoming prom.

Life without gambling offers growth, happiness and no more self gifted misery and a constant mind f**k.

By posting here i keep my focus on what is important.

That starts and ends with recovery.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

I found my thread on page 4,that tells me that I have not been able to get to it over the past few days, work has been truly busy, the wedding went to plan on Friday and the weekend saw more customers than usual resulting in the team working extra hard, to add the owner had an extra site to cater on Saturday and low and behold we did the donkey work for that to boot.

Funny because it didn't work out as the gold mine he expected and his mood yesterday was pretty abberant,to which I told him so this morning, because I don't accept it anymore,simple as that.

Funny because when things in life don't go the bosses way he mirrors the way I behaved every time I lost as an active compulsive gambler.

My point to him this morning was, if you can't bare losing then why take the gamble?

So through experience I know that for the ensuing days he will be counting every penny and berating anyone who costs him one.

The team are briefed and it's not the first or last we have trod this path.

So I managed to get home in time to cook up supper for everyone and I then took advantage of the fact that yesterday was the longest day of the year and wandered with the hounds across the top of my fair city.

I slept a very deep peaceful sleep last night, the sort that reflects my efforts of the weekends graft.

Day off today, I am working on a beautiful roast pork loin for supper with some nice vegetables and a black forest cake of sorts is in the makings using the last of the amazing cherries I got at the market on Thursday, to add to that I have yesterday's observer to enjoy and am letting my body enjoy a relaxing day.

The hounds are currently curled up together in the conservatory and will get a long stroll after supper.

Our callum had his last exam this morning and tomorrow we will embark on a trip to our favourite haunt for breakfast to celebrate.

My mum sent me a wonderful email yesterday that I opened this morning, for which I know that I am continuing to choice in relentlessly pursuing recovery.

Because I am again able to except my life, the good and the bad and make sure that i celebrate every breath.

For twenty years I cursed my misfortunes, I was embroiled in a futile battle with the addiction that ruled my every thought,I couldn't envisage living with out the next punt.

Today I know how fortunate a fella I am, for it I am humbled and know what accepting addictions pleas would bring, truthfully the financial losses would be the last of my woes

Because through recovery I can really see what I would be staking.

And no punt will ever have odds I would consider worthy.

Today our hard earned remains safely out of addictions way.

From it I am rewarded beyond my wildest dreams.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So today I have been in contined recovery for 600 days, that is 600 days of a growing knowledge that gambling in any form will never answer any of my questions, it will not entertain my mind, I am fully aware of the results of accepting the fact, I no longer have a distorted view that there is a possibility of gambling having a positive impact on my life.

I don't count days, the reason for me knowing that total is from the post Emily wrote upon my thread last week.

I went more than 600 days when I entered recovery in January 2012,but those days meant little because I still yearned a bet,I truthfully had not accepted that recovery was a life choice.

Today I fully embrace recovery, I relish the opportunity it brings to my life.

Opportunity to grow and forfill the deepest ambitions and dreams I have.

Abstinence only meant that I didn't have a punt that day until I fed addiction for the last time.

I have learnt a great deal from my last punt.

Acceptance the top of the list.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi
Duncan

Never been a day counter myself either. I have always believed its not how long but how far you have come & you my friend have come a long way.

Dan

Hi Duncs,

As always it's lovely to touch the base on your inspiring diary 🙂
Once again thank you for sharing.
Am getting emotional lol and don't know what to say...just know that you're an amazing soul with so much wisdom and inspiration for us all. I gave a great deal of thought for your journey few days ago, literally put myself in your shoes for a few minutes...and i come bk fighting more than ever 🙂

Thank you for being you and showing that recovery is something amazing in our lives.

Keep up the good work dear friend and keep making the right choices ahead! Be proud - you are the winner

S x

Morning diary.

It's been a week or so since my last post, why?

I have again visited a point in recovery where I felt I was going around the same roundabout,repeating the same process over and over without making anything positive come as a result.

I have often thought that it is easy to over think everything and read things into situations that simply don't exist and by secondgguessing everything I find my thoughts lead to frustration.

For me the standout thing that I have learnt is again smiler was right

You learn the greatest things in recovery where you least expect to find it.

Recovery has come in stages, I understand the twelve step programme much better today than when I first walked through the doors of GA

I know that my recovery only works when I live in harmony with addiction.

That means living in harmony with fellow addicts as much as it means the gambling industry I fed.

Because I spent twenty years progressively finding reasons that everyone and everything was to blame

The truth in that is the only person who needed help was the one that looked back from the mirror

Recovery is my life, the first and last thing I think about every day.

The gambling industry must relish the fact that it would appear that we at times struggle to find unity in recovery.

Fuels the fire that the 'problem' is not one of their making.

Because in my honest view of over three years in the recovery process the hallowed 3% club has not grown

My question why?

It's on offer for everyone,

Duncs stepping forward never back

Abstain and maintain

Why?

I think there are a variety of reasons Dunc.

Very few take the step program into their lives. Most addicts do a 2 step program. Step 1 & step 12. Much easier to offer advice to others than look at yourself as step 4 asks us to do.

The confession of step 5 is something addicts would rather die than complete, but is vital if we are to leave our baggage behind us & embark on a new life.

As you have said accepting & living in harmony with addiction is a concept many find difficult. They see it as a fight which generally ends up in frustration because it is one you will find almost impossible to win long term.

Holding on to their resentments & blaming mindset instead of taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

Regarding this addiction as a financial rather than emotional issue.

I have seen in meetings that use steps as there primary discussion focus that 3% greatly increase. Where the focus remains on abstinence rather than recovery it will never grow.
In Unity
Dan

Duncan, I hope this finds you well.

I have considered your question over the last few days and what I think is that there are a lot of factors at play (rapid growth by the industry, aggressive advertising, masses of vulnerable people, etc. etc.) the variables are huge. I don't have an answer but here's my thoughts.

I deplore and campaign against the industry. Things must change.

However I strongly believe that ultimate responsibility lies with the individual. I mean to take responsibility from right now going forward. Through long term abstinence you Duncan see life from a point of view that is alien to active addicts or those in very early recovery. They can hear in meetings and read on this site the positive, amazing stories but it's only a dream. It's so removed from the terrible situation they are in that it's close to fiction from their point of view.

You are experiencing it through a brain that has been gifted, by you assuming responsibility, long term abstinence from abuse. I can see how it can be very frustrating. You know what is on offer. You see what recovery is giving you in return and wonder why surely more than 3% would want the same?!

You seem to appreciate things that so many people ignore. You see the gulf between what was and what is. I think and it's only my thought that maybe it's that spark/appreciation/drive/passion that is,for whatever reason whether cultural, personal or a combination of the two, something that is common only to a small % of recovering gambling addicts. A sudden realisation That is not awoken in everyone in that early stage of recovery. Not a sense of arrival at a destination but a clear direction,a road that leads nowhere but is without doubt the right path. Maybe it's this that is common to only a small % in early recovery. So what for the remaining 90+% who return to gambling within 365 days? Well the answer is surely to return to abstinence, seek help, surrender to recovery and learn from past mistakes. Ultimately, Take responsibility. It can be so different.

I am 15 months and a few distinct stages into my recovery. I am one bet away from active addiction. It's my responsibility.

your words showed me the way.

best wishes dear man.

John addict in recovery

0Morning diary.

John, Dan thanks for your input regarding my ramblings posted the other day.

For my life today it's wholly about taking responsibility of my actions.

I have taken the stance that I accept that my brain will always formulate numbers, there's a part of my brain that is constantly calculating odds and my brain has a pitched battle going on.

The addict runs forward, no discipline or self control, just that old bull in a China shop,trying it's best to ride roughshod over my rational thinking.

Where the rational side of my brain, retains discipline, controlled, forward thinking and it stands to defend it's ground.

The outcome of a bet for me would be devastating, today I can truly see that.

Gambling is not the thing on trial, gambling is not my nemesis, the actions of the gambling industry are not at fault

Addiction is my nemesis, addiction was my go to in good and bad times equally.

Progressively I sought to feed addiction before I sought to feed my own needs.

I had to gamble to the point where my own life ceased to have any purpose or value

To feed addiction relentlessly so I had nothing left,not even the will to live.

In fact addiction ran from my mind that day I set off to end my existence, because addiction only truthfully appears, sidles up to my deepest thoughts and feelings when I have something to give.

Addiction would leave me high and dry,like a bad smell when I had nothing to give.

Maybe to seek recovery truly you have to reach the point of no return.

I did, addiction broke my soul, my view of life and my will to live.

Recovery took my worn out tools and guided my life back into my hands.

So today I don't hold a bitterness towards gambling, because for me personally to hold bitter feelings unconsciously feeds addiction.

I am not at war with gambling I am at war with addiction.

Through owning my thoughts today I can focus on the bigger picture.

How the situation in Greece develops and how it will impact those thoughtful, kind folk I had the pleasure to meet recently, to remember the terrible events of ten years ago today and the impact the actions we take in life do effect others.

Today I want to live, to embrace what is thrown my way and make the best of it.

Because recovery offers opportunity

Genuine opportunity to meet change and try to impact life in positive ways.

I live in a glass house, the view is amazing, more so since I stopped throwing stone's.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc. Hope this finds you well. Continued best wishes. Gazza

Lovely inspiring post Duncs, as always, I read it a few times last night,lol, your posts give me more strength and positivity than you know, you are not at war with gambling, you are at war with addiction, how true,

I too am in a big glass house with an amazing view, now I am cleaning the windows lol, and not throwing stones at them

Take care my friend and keep going on this truly amazing recovery journey,

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

I have had my resolve to commit to recovery strengthened this week by having the honour of meeting two authors of threads in 3d.

They took valuable time to visit my fair city and for a few hours we bonded in a fashion that I have seldom found in life, in truth a fashion that I believe only comes from being wholly committed to a 'cause'

Our cause? Recovery.

I have a belief that addiction, the compulsion to gamble is a great leveller, there's no competition to see who is worse, more addicted, because the destruction is devastating whatever your circumstances in life are when you commit wholly to feeding addiction the outcome will always be the same.

Through sharing recovery I have learnt that you take more than you gift because recovery unlike active addiction is bountiful.

I hope again wandering across the top of my city I again might get to enjoy the pleasure of good company and enlightening moments

For one I know that my beautiful hounds enjoyed their day equally! !!!!!!

Hovis was gifted a new ball,lol he brought it home and took it to bed!!!!

Work beckons, off the back of 13 straight hard hours yesterday it is good to be able to start my day in such a positive fashion.

All by commitment to making a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs - loved your last post. You are an inspiration to many. Have a great week.

Dave

Evening diary.

Thanks for the support.

Tonight I post for a reason, my profile picture is from a photo taken in 2011 whilst I was in the heart of feeding addiction.

I look at that picture and I can see back to the man I once was.

Cold inside, devoid of emotions and an appearance tailored to make the world look the other way.

I will leave it for the next day to hopefully help to show some fellow gamcarers what I was before I found recovery.

Looking at the two I know which image I am happy to view in the mirror

Recovery took the hatred and turned it into a passion for living.

It's what's on offer

Please take it

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.