Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

I have just watched the second instalment of 'Britain at the bookies' and in truth tonight I enjoyed it, why?

Because clear as day I can see that the gambling industry is not the problem, the problem starts and ends with me.

My name is Duncan mcquilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler,I am only a danger unto myself, and that danger only manifests if I choose to gamble and feed my addiction.

Yes I could jump on my moral high horse and bang on about the BBC's ethics regarding advertising but I would be lying if I thought that was the worst thing the beeb are guilty of.

The cover up of child abuse within the glorious institution i pay a licence for is for me a greater issue.

I sat tonight and marveled at what my life is today.

Why is my mind not enticed by watching active gambling?

Because recovery is my first and last call, recovery is compelling, it consumes my addiction, it offers constant opportunity.

To feed addiction would gift what?

Life in recovery is not me versus anyone or anything except the addiction that lives within my own skin.

Tonight I have again been reminded of those wise words the honourable Smiler wrote upon my thread.

'Sometimes the greatest lessons in your recovery will be found in a place you least expect to find it'

Very apt and unequivocally true.

Recovery is on offer to every addict who wants to accept it.

Please take the opportunity.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well I had a good day yesterday, it started and ended with a stroll across the h#ill with our hounds, sadly for Hovis his evening walk was tainted by the fact that he was stung by a wasp on his foot, still all clouds have a silver lining, he was rewarded with an extra treat for his bravery! !

I enjoyed some time spent on the forum, the friends and family section compelling to read, another dose of priceless medicine and a reminder of the carnage feeding addiction wages upon many innocent folk.

Again my opinion that those innocent victims of addiction deserve recovery the most.

Addiction is hiding this morning, wise to the tongue lashing it would receive! !

Work shortly, pennies to be earned the right way.

We are planning to do a boot sale on Sunday, time to cash in on some of our hoardings lol.

So the recovery juggernaut steams ahead

Today yesterday's choice means I can enjoy the view

Of which I will receive in twenty minutes when the hounds again seek their own nemesis lol

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Pleased to read your juggernaut is steaming ahead and you can enjoy the view today, because of the choice you made yesterday.

You do have a lovely calming way of putting your thoughts, very reassuring, and as always inspiring.

Enjoy your walks over the hixx, am so pleased that you are as positive and determined as ever, to keep abstaining and maintaining.

Suzanne xxx

Hey Duncs'

May not remember me, been a while buddy. I thought I owe it to me to get back and say Hi to the folks that helped me so much through my bad times. Thank you Duncan.

Just wish I lived in an area that had walks like you " (Although I just did the 7 mile Humber through North Ferriby) on the way to work... x

You probably know that one. x

Glad your OK buddy.

Pete.xxx (JP)

To be honest Dunc's... You beat this a long time ago. You just want to help others. I f*****g love that. It does help so much. Thank you.

Morning diary.

​Yesterday Dan wrote about the highs and lows of recovery,Pete had a tear of pure joy down my face around midnight,fella I often wondered how life treated you.recovery is a gift,it really never stops giving,it compels me to commit my life to pursuing it's rewards.I had to take Hovis to the vet yesterday,blasted tic got the better of me and burrowed too deep to be removed so antibiotics and a sad face for him and forty quid spent.still I would do anything to ensure he and Mr. blue have the life they deserve,because with honesty I can never repay them what they have brought to my life.work soon,thanks to the honourable JP I have a spring in my step.abstain and maintain

​Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

​yesterday we had our internet cut off due to the fact that we have secured a deal for both the tv and internet for thirty quid a month less and we get the channels to watch the champions league on,oh and we are getting two boxes so no more arguing over the fact that there must be something better on the tv other than my new favourite bull riding

​lol.

​I really don't enjoy using my phone to access the internet for me it is seriously unfriendly!!! So hopefully later I will get to top up my resolve without struggling to read let alone type!!! Work shortly,a stroll with the hounds first.

​

​

​Duncs stepping forward never back. Abstain and maintain.

Lol... Phone accessing the Internet is a tad difficult, even on the Iphone 6+. It does not give you the freedom. However look at what bandwidth, each service provider is offering. You should only require one service dependant on the signal and Gb usage!

I am just about to cut out £45.00 a month with my ISP because I can tether my phone if i want some "PC Gaming or experience" with 4G speeds.

Worth thinking about!

Hope you enjoyed your walk and work treated you well. Always forward Duncs!!!!! <--A true legend!

Evening diary.

Jp,fella I didn't understand a single word of your post lol, I am a mechanical man in a digital world! !

So the company came and installed our tv and Internet today, they gave us a window for the visit, between one and six pm,you guessed it they arrived at 5.59pm and left some time after eight!

Still now we have a new viewing box, and for a man obsessed with numbers it's nothing short of a nightmare, all the channel numbers are completely different!

No more straight to 529 for the history channel that is now on two hundred and something!

But the plus is we now have 5g Internet whatever that is lol

Still in the bigger picture we now have access to all the channels we require and Internet for fotry odd quid a month less than we havebeen ppaying so happy days!

I struggled with work today, my body worn out by the physical demands, not standing by a stove and running about has been fun but I know for sure that I am earning my wages, still looking at life through a half full glass I can feel myself losing a few pounds in weight and I know that I will benefit long term.

Great to see Sandra's 90 day challenge picking up momentum,well done to everyone taking part, I decided against joining for my own reasons but I hope it continues to grow.

Recovery for me today isn't particularly benefitted by setting numbered targets, I find myself looking for end goals of achievement instead, to set myself challenges that I can work at until I can see the conclusion without time constraints have a greater power tomy own oongoing recovery purely because I believe that in life I have obsessed about numbers for all the wrong reasons and today I either try to rationalise the use of them or eradicate the need to obsess over there importance.

I look at my ability to make calculations of 9,18 and 35 at the drop of a hat or the fact that if I close my eyes I can see the sequence of numbers set out on a roulette wheel as the scars of my commitment to feeding addiction and as I say I am trying to rid my obsession with my unhealthy relationship with numbers, twenty years trying to conquer a pretty unbeatable statistical equation will I know take a great deal of time and effort to overcome.

On the home front Hovis appears to be on the mend, taking his medication hidden in his treats is working and apart from the horrendous wind he seems fine, just a waiting game to see if one batch of antibiotics will do the trick.

I was thinking today about the world and gambling, it is I believe so ingrained in society today that it actually is viewed as rather odd if a person doesn't partake in the activity.

Just listening to the local radio today for a few hours confounded my belief, the presenter must have said 'I bet' close to fifty times in their three hour programme, something that I myself said at the start of most of my own conversations throughout my gambling life.

Something today I view as a challenge to my own life choice, something today when said to me I reply 'I don't bet' purely because I know that the outcome of waging the result of anything for potential gain will have long term horrific effects upon my life.

Today my life is gifted by recovery, I want all the opportunities that are placed in front of me to have the potential to be fully taken, nothing can be gifted to chance.

Lastly today's 'blue moon' was spectacular!

Better than our rendition of said song at work in tribute to said event lol.

Work tomorrow and a car boot Sunday.

All made possible by accepting a fact.

My name is Duncan, I am a recovering compulsive gambler.

No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Dunc's.. As a Mathematician, Computer Scientist and A Honorary graduate. I can understand what you mean about numbers Sir! I think we should forget about them for a while. Put them abay, sleep on them and finally put them to bed in the gambling context.

To me, personally. You have won already and start to live your life again. I feel you are scared to let go of the what if scenario. If I were you. Take a walk in that amazing countryside and say. I have done it!

Finally.

JP..xx (PS.. It's a long road forever. But Satisfaction will prevail!) Sir.

Afternoon diary.

Pete, fella thanks for popping by, for me I have learnt that there is a fine line between putting those gambling thoughts to bed and everyday for the right reasons understanding the power of gambling and the effect it has on my own wellbeing.

That difference is here today in black and white

Odaat sees herself the newest graduate of the 3% club and SA has through his actions reset his continued abstinence to day 1.

Both those honourable folk are equally in my mind committed to recovery and I learn equally valuable lessons from them both,one of unadulterated joy the other a stark reminder that I am one punt away from self destruction.

That line is thin,a week today will see my extend my longest period of continuous abstinence beaten by one day, that I know todaywwill only hold significance if the count continues, I am not to be rewarded by reaching said day, I simply have to learn moreabout the rreason I relapsed the last day I gambled.

Recovery is infinite, the clock, days don't have an end goal, other than in a twenty four hours cycle.

I see the significance of those words,because truthfully I couldn't see past the next spin throughout my gambling life, I loathed any time that wasn't spent gambling, I was wholly committed to feeding addiction.

I understand that life is full of challenges, at times I am overwhelmed by their prospect, expectations but I stand and face them better without the constant distraction of active addiction.

I feel comfortable admitting to my shortfalls, I feel comfortable in the company of the amazing folk I have met on my journey, because doubtless I would not have done if my choice had been different.

Today we arose at 5am,I put a whole shoulder of lamb in to slow roast and we headed off with a car load to sell at our local boot sale.

Happily we returned with little except a handsome handful of notes.

Which will be spent wisely.

Our bellies are full after an early dinner, wonderful lamb and a big bowl of eton mess for pud.

Now I have been rewarded with some priceless time to spend here.

Sarah dozzes by my side, well hovis has squeezed in between lol.

Today I embrace the choice I made

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lovely post duncs, I know you don't count the days but 642 days today is truly fantastic going,

Keep going looking at the bigger picture, because we know it's so plain to see.

A big fat NO to gambling and a big fat YES to recovery, and you are showing us all it can be done,

So inspiring as always

Suzanne xxx

Afternoon diary.

Today I feel like I am walking up a never ending hi#ll,the weather's muggy, work was enfuriating,customer after customer in foul moods and all seemed to take offence to my smile! !!!!,all the time I was pondering how best to aid a dear friend in need,and felt like screaming at everyone to look in the mirror because from where I was standing not one of them had cause to be so hostile.

So I went to the supermarket and did some retail therapy, lol for less than a twenty pound note I scored enough meat to feed us well for a week and more,P**f pastry, a selection of vegetables, potatoes, even some fresh raspberries, oh and four delicious cans of proper jamaican ginger beer, lol the one nobody likes so they will all be mine!

So the freezer is groaning again, I have made a chicken and ham pie for supper and taken it upon myself to shut the door to the outside world until tomorrow, well save for the fact I will use my knowledge of the landscape behind our house to walk the hounds in stealth mode later so I can enjoy the serenity of silence.

Maybe those folk had issues to deal with today, the world does appear to live on secrets and a sort of pretense at times, f**k I spent a great deal of years flushing my own anger at anyone or anything that dared to cross my path,I was sullen and acted like I shouldered a whole bag of 'mcains' finest chips! ,I didn't give a f**k what the world thought, it was all dispensable, that was unless I could gain gambling tokens,f**k then I was your best friend! !!!!

Today I want to share my happiness, share the troubles as I believe that you can halve them that way, I don't want to live a life of lies and deciept because I lived that way and I through my own actions broke myself.

So pie and a stroll to look forward to, oh and the last installment of the bbc documentary to watch, I hope that it gifts my resolve as it did last week.

Maybe first I will grab forty winks, six days in a row of graft and the boot sale have rendered my body tired.

Today I made a choice, one which gifted my mind the freedom to face the world undestructed.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs, firstly I would like to thank you for dropping in on me yesterday & welcoming me to the 3% club...I am a very proud member but the reality is, of course, recovery is a daily gift that I can keep giving myself if I remain committed (I intend to)! I am shocked that you would thank me again for coming to see you because it was an absolute honour to share your recovery advice! You gave me so much more that day than I could ever have hoped for so once again...Thank-you from the bottom of my slowly thawing heart! I am shocked that you took something too but it is like you point out, sharing recovery with others helps us move forwards 🙂 I am thoroughly looks forward to the next visit & the food that will accommodate it (Sarah, this is your call)!

I hope you have figured out how to help your friend & whilst I am disappointed in the rudeness of humans, I am proud of the way you tackled today head on 🙂 Exhaustion is such a difficult thing to deal with as a CG because our minds won't still but I will give you the advice I was given, keep drinking water my friend! I don't think it truly helps but it's good for you 🙂

Keep making those right choices Duncs...This diary is my happy place (no pressure)!

Morning diary.

Thanks odaat,I look forward to seeing you again. I hope yesterday brought my dear friend some solace that although the world is a terrible cruel place at times, there are folk who genuinely care and want nothing more than life to be gifted to all.

So Britain at the bookies concluded.

According to the fella who hit rock bottom after losing 400k, you just need to control your gambling, in his words bet what you can afford to lose.

Then I witnessed the bookies banning a lad after he lost his lot.

No wonder the staff always looked so pleased, if they were sat watching my every loss.

So a picture was again painted that really there isn't a problem with gambling addiction.

I think again that we helped to create that picture, because I know myself that I couldn't bring it to myself to confess my addiction for more than twenty progressive years, the true picture, number of active compulsive gamblers there are because so many hide it ,even in recovery it is many folks best kept secret.

For me the fact I did it myself, Sarah did it, covered my tracks, denied the fact that gambling was destroying not just my life but those around me

Why?

Shame, no body likes to admit loss ,stigma, or for sarah I believe that she simply didn't want to see it.

Today I am of the belief that after the addict decides that they can't lose another penny the best place for them to seek help is from fellow addicts in recovery

Because put simply they want nothing in return other than to share the gift.

I take all it gifts.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back