Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

I am so humbled by all of your responses they instill a wonderful inner strength.

I have read around the forum a fare bit this morning, I think the weather's not realised that it's August, the summer! And the rain and wind had me up at four putting down the parasol and shoring up a few pots.

So I got some me time and used it to feed my mind.

There's a similarity between so many diaries, by and large we all find our way here through desperation, the inability to gamble because the food has run dry to feed addiction, money has been spent,lenders have stopped giving and are asking for their dues back,the lies are catching up, the a front put on to the world is worn to the bone,so abstinence is the only option.

For me the fork in the road comes when the moment funds are available, because for me that is the first time abstinence is tested.

Towards the end of my gambling life I as did Sarah got paid monthly and within two days the pot was empty, I would gamble to the point of penny less, then I would have an enforced period of abstinence,.

Would this bring change?

Would it f**k,I would stew,plot,scheme, lie,loath until the funds became available and repeat the cycle.

In the middle of these events I would steal food,pawn anything of value and lie my way to quick fixing staying afloat in the sea of self created sh#it I lived in.

I lived in the same fashion as my friend does,he is in my mind a 'dry drunk' he hasn't had an alcoholic drink for six years, yet has done nothing to change the way he lives his life, in fact the fact that he hasn't had a drink has made him worse,it's another thing to throw blame to.

I had a catalogue of things to blame my apparent misfortune on for twenty years and more when the truth was I refused to take responsibility for any of my actions in life . The result in my mind was I chased my own tail around and again.

Intermittently I would wave my wad of notes at the world, I would try to flaunt what I had to everyone in some twisted mindset that I was better,the one with all the cards.

I see today the hand I held, a full house of jokers.

I consider myself the most fortunate fella today because I risked everything I had in my life to feed a machine that offers at best a five hundred note reward and I got to see the life beyond it, I got gifted the opportunity to seek change.

I have learnt a great deal, I accept the person I am, I wake up full of desire and most of all a belief that I can for fill my dreams.

Easy life asked do folk laugh or frown up my admission of my shortcomings?

Well I used to see folk clutch their handbag or move their wallet to the breast pocket and look to lock away the silver, this is for me simply human nature, but over the four years I have been recovering without doubt more folk listen, ask questions and often confess that they have a friend, loved one or colleague who appears to feed the same addiction.

The question of intervention often is asked.

The answer as sad as it is ,is in my opinion the only thing that can be done is to protect yourself from the damage, because a compulsive gambler will only stop gambling when they choose to, enforced abstinence by lack of funds or being caught out will just render addiction dormant and I know that every time I got the opportunity to get back in action the stakes were raised.

Gambling addiction, the compulsion to gamble or problem gambling,whatever you want to label it will whilst active in a persons mind will have nothing but a devastating outcome.

I hope many more folk find the gift of recovery before it's too late.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Wise words as ever Duncs. Keep stepping forward never back!

Hi Duncs,

Glad to read that you are still doing well and reaping the rewards of abstinence and keeping on top of the addiction. The whole thing about choice is bang on, and with no-one but myself to hold me to account, I know that well. Keep moving forward, its the only direction to go.

Ryan

A cold one on the horizon with a burger to boot....

Them boots are made for walking in and Duncs is moving forward as always..

Strength and honor

Morning diary.

Thanks for the kind words, Paul you name the time and date and I will be ready and waiting, it would be an hhonour.

So this morning I lay prostrate on the living room floor, I have at best a damaged disc,at worst a herniated disc,the results of jumping in in bin at work to eradicate the infestation of maggots, the result of the actions of some lazy members of front of house staff, rather than bag up the rubbish from a couple of bbqs they just threw it all in. The bins in question are the size of a caravan, lol I had a vision of you thinking I carried out some kind of circus act, jumping from a ladder into a bucket lol.

So I managed to get up yesterday after doing my mister mean a on Monday and went to work, where I simply couldn't function, the spasms were incredible, it took over an hour to cycle the 12 minute journey and I lasted two hours once there before my gp returned my call and requested my presence at the surgery, an hour ride back and the doctor fixed me up with some pain relief and whilst I wait for my referal he faxed to the hospital for an appointment I will be grounded.

I have prolapsed a disc four times in the past five years and know the drill, I don't enjoy the medication it destructs my ability to clear thinking and stifles my get up and go, but without it I would be rendered to a terrible place, so I will ride the storm and try to find an outcome where the risk of reoccurrence is limited to the best of my ability.

I have been trying to digest the actions of the forum and it's administrator's over the past day and again was reminded of a period in the past where one author appeared to antagonise many other authors and when they reacted 'wolf' would be cried.

I have a simple outlook.

I live in a glass house therefore I don't cast stone's.

But it's difficult I know because I have found a lust for the truth, I take what I am told and store it in the memory bank and when the writing's are contradicted I find myself feeling very indignant and desire to out the true facts, I would make a great detective lol,but I also most importantly respect the fact that I can only be in control of my actions, that often trying to change the outcome of things out of my control I am left with a feeling of failure and emptyness that manifests into the dark side of my mind capitalising and feeding my addict brain unwanted ammunition.

I have to preserve my own mental wellbeing before everything, I equally don't suffer fools gladly because I was one myself and I know how futile folk would have felt for many years when they tried to show the addict within my mind that there was another path.

I understand the need to voice, but and it's a huge but I equally understand the power of silence.

Recovery has a price, for me it's an eye opener, and what I see is sometimes not to my liking, from that I will still find the medicine within, I hope that the same outcome is found for those who pursue it.

It's a true gift, the rewards far outweigh the bitter pills.

On that note the next round of tramadol loom,lol lucky me.

I will force myself to walk once they kick in,I refuse to lay down and be beaten.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs!

Sorry to hear about your back. I know it's hard to keep a good man down but the nurse side of my brain is telling me to warn you to: take your medicine and stay down until you are seen. Walking around you may risk reinjury. Easier said I know but, maybe listen to your pain and stay still for now?? Maggots? Yuck!!! Get well soon. -joanxx

Evening diary.

Well today has brought a shell shocker of a day. I was given an emergency appointment at the rehabilitation centre at the hospital, on aarrival I was taken to an observation room where the physiotherapist asked immediately if they could feel my back, they applied pressure to my shoulder and I nearly went through the roof,a doctor was called and it was explained that I don't have the herniated disc I suspected but a compressed fracture to my spine. I had x rays and tomorrow have a ct scan to ensure that I don't have any fragments floating around.

On Monday we will plot out my recovery, in the mean time I have to take total rest.

Yesterday I tried to manipulate my back,the results were a very uncomfortable day,a day when I felt lost,a day my inner mind wentat a hhundred miles an hour.

Today I know why,today I have given my mind to thoughs who will do the right thing to rehabilitate my body.

I have spoken to work, the truth is they assumed I would be back at the stoves for the weekend.

I was given three weeks off by the doctor and was forwarned that I could be out of action for months.

I am not good at resting, I become restless and my mind runs off at a hundred miles an hour, something that I will work upon.

I will repair and I pledge to become stronger physically and mentally.

To boot lily got driven into on route to work which shook her up, fortunately no physical damage done and her car fared well.

Sarah is at my ma's enjoying some well earned r&r she offered to come home, I have told her otherwise.

Time to tighten my support network, time to appreciate how fragile life is.

Today I respect it wholly.

No doubt addiction will feature, try in vain to cash in on my new found time.

I will be waiting, I have the educated answer.

My life has no place for the act of gambling, because the outcome will be unnecessary carnage.

I have purpose, a greater reason for living.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Ouch, sorry to hear that mate, especially in your line of work you need to be up and around and have good mobility. You know yourself you'll be at a loose end for much of the time, just try to keep your mind as active as possible, and look after your back so that you can get back to doing what you love.

All the best mate, hope they get you on the road to physical recovery asap.

Here's to a speedy recovery duncs. Thanks also for the post the other day
Deano

Bloody hell doesn't sound pleasant. I wish you a speedy recovery and great to see you've spotted some pitfalls that may impact your other recovery.

KTF

Duncan,

Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Wishing you strength and a quick and full recovery.

Sorry to hear it, hope it all goes as well as it can as soon as it can.

CW

Good morning diary.

Thanks so much for all your kind words of support.

Had a week spent in a haze of the high use of pharmaceutical drugs, the combination of tamadol and diazapam have left my mind fighting for clear thinking space but they are giving great pain relief so I will continue taking the prescribed dosage.

The kids have been amazing, they have sorted out everything from their rooms to the housework.

Sarah came home super chilled out and has been looking after my every need, to say the least I am a terrible patient, I am not one for lying down doing nothing so have been walking out a great deal with the hounds and someone to hold the hounds as I can't risk them pulling at the sight of anything that moves lol.

I have my second bout of physio in the morning I am hoping something can be done to loosen my hamstrings as they are incredibly tight and keep gifting spasms throughout my lower back, so fingers crossed I can make progress. I went on Tuesday but the physio said there was still too much trauma to start anything too physical so I did only a few exercises before an ice pack was given and I was sent packing. I have been watching a great deal of the Olympics and am looking forward to the two hundred metres final in a while, just me awake and the hounds are curled up around me,again they have been a great influence in my wellbeing, the the unconditional love they bring humbles me and when I am fit to walk the hill again we shall be doing so often.

I am so fortunate to have their presence in my life, they have taught me so much about the value of simple living.

I had the results of my ct scan and the good news is there's no fragments floating around just a clear view of the colapsed vertibrae and the disc's either side sitting the wrong side.

I will state again I will repair, I will be looking after myself once fixed.

So that's me, still prostrate on the living room floor, my beautiful beloved wife sleeping alone in our bed,I miss the ability to snuggle and plan to make up in the near future. .....

Glad to see the forum has returned to focusing on it's true purpose.

Recovery.

Keep taking all it gifts.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

You WILL repair & yes, you absolutely MUST look after yourself! I can't believe you were soldiering on with a fractured spine, well, I can but you know what I mean! I hope the culprits responsible for the maggots have improved their standards somewhat.

I was sitting up to watch the Brownlee boys do their thang (missed it earlier) but now you mention it...Roll on the 200m 🙂

Fingers crossed for the physio in a few hours, let's hope the trauma is down & they can do something with those hammys!