Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So I find myself laying in the silence of the house, everyone sleeps peacefully, I overdid things yesterday, I really struggle to just rest,I find myself pottering around restless, looking for reasons to repair something or clean or is it I feel like I am defeated if I just lay down and let those around me do all, I hate to feel defeated, the result of doing so is the past three hours have brought grest discomfort and a bout of horrendous spasaming .Monday brought another round of physio,the lass said after watching me go gung ho at the requests she made me for me to move that I am still suffering from the impact trauma, and that my body needs to be manipulated but equally it needs time to recover.

The addict in me wants the results now!! I don't want to wait, it's an alien concept, one I struggle with most in life.

So for the past two hours I have watched tv,no Olympics to inspire me, just the same old blah de blah programmes that don't have the same stimulating effect the Olympics did!

Political programmes just seem to bring a sense that they are imploding from within and comedy seems to have been replaced by some woefully poor attempts at gaining laughter.

I have a stack of new cookbooks to read,the result?

I want to stand by my beloved stove!!

I do have a new Ian rankin book our joe brought me, but I am frightened to start it because I know that I will finish it within a day or so, so I am holding out so I can savour every word.

I have just taken twenty minutes ago another raft of medication, the spasms are relenting as a result, I know because the words get smaller as i type and my mind is starting to wander lol.

I have so much respect for the ability to hold a space here.

Through thick and thin it's been such amazing therapy.

The words written hold such power, they inspire me to fight at present the physical recovery I so desire.

Thank you one and all.

Keep writing, inspiring.

I will keep learning the priceless lessons they gift.

Abstain and maintain.

No physio today!

A day to rest, I will try to heed those words lol.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dear Duncan,

I was checking in to the forum and was delighted to see you back in the diary room, but so sorry to read about your back trouble. I really hope you recover fully soon.

I am all to familiar with such ailments. I broke my coccyx falling down the stairs like a right t*t three months ago. Two weeks before that I was lying on my back in the bedroom with a pulled back and those awful spasms that you mention with my head wedged between the shoe basket and dustbin.

I called my GP whilst prostrate on the floor and all he could recommend was that Rosanne walked on my back and that I had a stiff drink. Five minutes later Rosanne comes upstairs wearing her shiniest pair of heels and a heap of Sherry (that being all the alcohol we had) in Zoe's 14 year old brightest and pinkest baby beaker. I could not stop laughing no matter how the much the spasms hurt. Four or five baby beakers of sherry later and a few painkillers and I was out for the count and found myself mysteriously back in bed a few hours later!!!

Otherwise I have kept away from all gambling related activity these past few months (inclduing the forum) and am reaping the rewards. I had a great holiday with my lovely family in Cornwall and feel that life is returning. In a nutshell: no gambling, no anxiety, no bulls**t!

Massive congratulations on 1000 days Duncan and here's to the next millenium!!!

Best wishes,

Mark

Evening diary.

So I lay prostrate on the floor at my mum's, we all headed down to Somerset on Thursday for a chance for me to totally stop,stop trying to pretend I am fine, that I don't have a feeling that a six inch blade is digging into the middle of my back and trying to get on with the things I take for granted every day in life.

I am still in a great deal of pain but am managing it with the prescribed medication. Sarah, the kids and mum and Ed have been great, I have a great deal to be thankful in my life.

I have just finished reading the second book since I arrived.

Titled 'the five people you meet in heaven'

I related greatly to many things that it contained, I would recommend anyone to give it a read.

I have held a great deal of resentment towards many events in my life, the truth is many of them have made me find the measure I have today.

I also have reconfirmed that whatever I gambled I am just through it a man who has suffered repeated financial loss.

Because I did nearly 25 years ago find my true love, a person who took my breathe away, a person who melts my anger,a person who has gifted my life in more ways than I can put into words, it's unconditional, it's something that money can't buy,I respect the fact that my feeding addiction tested it countless times, I accept truthfully that I am and will be one punt from losing my love,my reason for living, my inspiration, my best friend for the rest of my life.

At times addiction fills my thoughts, it invades my inner calm,it trots out the line that the next punt could be the one that means I can provide my wife with everything that she could desire.

But I know today that it is a ruse,that I have been gifted something in the form of Sarah that no punt at any winning odds would or will ever be worth risking, because I refuse to stake the love I am blessed to have.

Today she is even more beautiful than the day we stumbled across each other's paths, something that I never thought possible.

I dedicate my life today to living and again today I am humbled by what it beholds.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

You're an inspiration Duncs,

Speedy recovery to you & well wishes to your loved ones.

Keep stepping forward, there is no way back...

S x

What a great reason to continue doing as you are obviously you can get rid of the back issues but everything else is worth keeping close by.

Afternoon diary.

I have been around this forum for a good while, seen some amazing acts of humility and bonds build between folk that have furthered my belief that this addiction can be taken on,it can be fought and conquered.

In equal measure I have seen some acts of deplorable trivalising of the compulsion to gamble posted here,acts of bullying, bating and all for what?

So someone can feel better about themselves, so bullying can be done under a vail of the keys of a computer.

I am currently prostrate, my body fails me currently but my mind runs at full kilt.

Last night or in the wee hours of this morning I am sure a fobt rhino appeared?

Funny it looked like a toad through my eyes.

And this afternoon I pick up my trusty beaten up old tablet to fill my mind with the strength this forum brings and low and behold a bag of wind is flying around it!!!!!

Wait for the reply, telling me that owning a raft of properties, working about three hours a week and taking leave to go to the pub for the rest of it ,that having no access to any money yet in one brag about doing 5k in a day is nothing,because they are better than me,you and everyone else.

Fella I looked into a mirror for twenty years and told the same bul#ls#hit to my self, I even believed it.

I am a man who was truly broken by the compulsion to gamble, I sought to end my life through my commitment to it.

Folk here and in the GA rooms, genuine people unconditionally helped me to find recovery.

It is not a game, it does result in the loss of life,marriages, it breeds disfunction, creates prison sentences, depression, self harming and a great deal of emotional destruction.

This forum is a place of the building of authors of all of the above mentioned.

Please don't continue to belittle it,please don't undermine the amazing wealth every recovering addict and those innocent victims who to find solace and knowledge and peace here.

Gamcare the platform deserves greater respect, even more so it's guardian's the genuine authors.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler.

No bet today.

Dear Duncan,

thank you for this heartfelt post, I was really moved by your words. It sounds like you have really benefitted from using the Forum over the years, and recent events have really saddened you. I do agree with you, the Forum is a place for support, for people to have a place where they are not judged and their problems are not subject to mockery.

I just wanted to reassure you that we, Forum Admin, do anything possible to avoid this from happening and will continue to do so.

I hope you will feel better soon, physically and mentally.

Keep posting and sharing and supporting and inspiring others with your journey.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Good morning diary.

Well I am still laying prostrate on the living room floor, hence the reason I am typing here at 4am!

Just had another dose of my prescribed medication and my sleep patterns are all over the place, due mainly to the fact that I am suffering the inability to get comfortable, the best option is to be standing, then I feel that I can stand in a position that gives comfort, although to everyone else I must look quite the opposite!

I thank the administration for their post early last week, the author I wrote about really did frustrate me, to the point where I could see nothing but negative impact on the forum because all to often the reason we are all here was distracted.

I have an appointment with my new gp this afternoon and back to physio tomorrow, hopefully between them I will be able to find a way to get the wheels of rehabilitation moving, also whilst at the doctors I am going to enter a conversation regarding the possibility that I have ADD ( adult adhd)

I had a very good conversation with our eldest who is working in a school since graduating from university with children with many different forms of mental /emotional illness and he suggested that I have a look into ADD because he believes that I would be high up on the spectrum that measures it.

Truthfully I have read a great deal of literature and most of the traits are very much in line with how I function in life.

This is not the first time I have investigated the possibility that it is something that I have, but due to my accident I have been enforced to think about life in finer detail and with honesty ADD could well be responsible for my actions which led to me having the accident, because I have a gung ho approach to life, the ability to act before planning I found myself without considering the possible outcome jumping into the huge wheelie bin and in doing so I find myself where I am today, three weeks on still in agony and ever so frustrated at my behaviour.

I didn't follow through investigating the possibility that it's something that I have before because I was going through the belief process that I didn't want to have something to lay blame to for the actions in my life, I wanted to be held accountable for them,today I fully accept the fact that I have a very addictive personality and build on using the fact as a strength rather than a weakness.

For me it is solely about being responsible for my own life and getting the best from it that I can and to do so I have to be able to ask for help from the right avenues.

I try very much to look for the two sides to every coin approach, yes often there's a negative way to view something but in equal measure there's a positive way to view the same thing and I don't mean in the happy clappy fashion, because pretending that everything's fine often led to a downwards spiral, I mean that things, issues can all be evaluated and either used to enhance life or be tthere to provide a lesson, one which will offer better choice in the future.

Control of my own mind is my ultimate goal, because the profoundly positive effect it bares upon others gifts a wonderful sense of forfillment and eradicates any underlying anger.

So my meds are kicking in, I know because my snail typing gets slower and I don't want to fight the urge to sleep

Quite the opposite, I welcome it.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Toad.

Fella I expect nothing less, I learnt a lesson in life, one of huge value.

People who live in glass house's should not throw stones.

I am glad you got to laugh at my expense, no doubt your at the watering hole by now, raise your glass and congratulate yourself.

Regards Duncs.

I bow to your superior knowledge on all things burger related & agree that the 99p jobby must have indeed been an imposter! There will be no need to tempt me, now that you are back on the radar so to speak, once you are back on your feet again, I will be pestering you for a 'date'.

& 79p saving...I may well have considered that had I had the sense to figure it out, even if it had cost me another fiver trying to fashion the d**n thing 😉 In my own crazy way, I'm still very much for throwing good money after bad!

Good to see that even in your Tramadol haze, your mind is as sharp as ever & I can only hope that the guilt has kicked in to the green one as it does to me when I do idiotic things!

How proud you must be that your boy can come to you & make that suggestion, he's a real credit to your recovery 🙂 I hope the appointment went well this afternoon & you managed to have the chat...It's a strong man that both recognises the right avenues & then accepts help from them!

Wishing you a speedy recovery - ODAAT

Evening diary,

Well the house is quiet,everyone sleeps except me, an event full day, started this morning with hovis taking a tumble on the gravel path and cutting his shin quite badly, whippets are delicate little things bless,I have dressed it a couple of times and given him some pain relief we had and see if a visit to the vets is needed tomorrow.

Toad made an appearance again today,hence the post above, l am not going mad!! It appears that the moderators deleted all his posts,glad because again they just contained derisory comments and he actually said that he is amused by my current health predicament, not sure why I rose to his bait, I have better things to occupy life with.

So I met with my new gp, he gave me a once over, hopes that physio leads to better health quickly and prescribed more tramadol and we talked about the diazepam and it's addictive properties and agreed to lower the doseage I have been taking with a view to me weaning myself off them.

I got another fit to work certificate, he wanted to sign me off for 6 weeks!

After pleading he changed it to 4 weeks and I will have a review at the end of September, secretly I am hoping that the physio does something akin to a miracle and I wake up Wednesday feeling like a new man.

I have a two hour appointment at the rehabilitation centre at the hospital in the morning, something to look forward to lol.

Lastly i talked with the gp regarding my mental health, due to funding the only thing I can do is self refer myself to the solent nhs trust as the gp said there just isn't any funding for mental health at present so he gave me the information and I have filled in the online referal forms tonight and received an email stating someone will get back to me within a week.

It feels good to have put it out there,as I said to the gp I am simply exploring ways to enhance my life through my ongoing recovery to gambling addiction.

So a day with some productive outcomes which I will build upon.

I am going to catch up with the dragons den now before my latest dose kicks in and get some shut eye in preparation for my physio in the morning.

Odaat,thanks for popping by, yes I am proud that I can talk with my children about life and it's works,it's without doubt a massive tool in my battle to remain in recovery.

Addiction sulks off to the duldrums of my mind,because it knows that strength does indeed form in numbers.

My name is duncs i am a recovering compulsive gambler.

Stepping forward never back.

Abstain and maintain

Morning Duncs, it's a sad state of affairs when funding impact medical issues, pleased to see you have taken on the challenge of referring yourself.

As for the little green guy like Arnnie he'll be back but admin seem to have it in hand at the minute.

Wishing you well on your recovery on all fronts.

KTF

Morning duncs
Hoping all goes well with the specialist tommrow.
I did notice the green man had dropped in with some bait.
But I was impressed you didn't rise to it. Sick people say sick thing's
All the best bud

A flyer Duncs. re - mental health, it's a stigma, our Dr's seem to prefer pills. In our society we perceive it as a weakness or embarrassment to admit to our MH vulnerabilities. Peeps go through life never fully understanding, it's on a sliding scale for lots. The funding is there, some where, dig deep and I know by your approach to things you won't give in. I found ' MIND ' good, a under funded charitable organisation, therapists not yet case hardened.

I hate to think what your going through with regard to physical health.

Shining light - Play up Pompey no doubt playing the not so mighty Leeds next year.

Morning diary.

Fella's thanks for all your kind words of support, they instill a great sense of determination within and humble me greatly.

So I had a couple of hours of physio today, the therapist said that in the past two weeks since I first saw her I have self recovered about 20%, that drove me to push myself to my pain limits, medication free too boot as I didn't take my morning dose as I wanted to feel what I experienced for what it was, not in a tramadol haze.

I had my shoulders worked,my super tight hamstrings, and my lumber region.

I stumbled home truly beat, but invigorated that I have come forward in recovery, for the rest of the day I chilled out, read,slept had some supper and took again to the floor, where either side I have a snuggled up whippet (one limping and feeling truly sorry for himself ) I took my last dose of medication about an hour ago and await the desire to sleep overcome me.

I am very proud to have been able to post a massively deserved congratulations to Alan before I started typing upon my own thread, as I wrote he is a blueprint for recovery, accepting gambling is unacceptable for him and willingly sharing with anyone else who cares to listen truly what an amazing gift it is.

Fella I salute you.

Right time to let the medication do it's work.

More physio scheduled for Friday and Monday and some light stretching and walking to do in between.

Hopefully Alan's thread will continue to inspire and increase the number of folk in continued abstinence.

My name is Duncs i am a recovering compulsive gambler.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.