Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary 

So another clock change another lost hour which in the current set of circumstances doesn’t have the effect upon my life it has for more than twenty five years because I would have in normal life circumstances have finished work last night and been back to work early this morning having had an hour stolen from me.

today it is insignificant as a result of the circumstances 

the evenings will grow longer and I hope it has a positive impact on folks wellbeing 

I listened to the birdsong this morning, I believe it was the blackbirds dawn chorus 

it was a thing of absolute beauty 

I got to see Sarah last night, she came with essentials and we had supper and she slept like a baby, the toll of work shows in her eyes, I have left her sleeping and given myself a dose of medicine through this amazing forum as a result 

I have sausages and eggs that I will cook up before she goes back 

I watched the headlines earlier and it would appear that the reality of the three weeks of restrictions being extended will be announced in the coming days 

something that I believe was expected by many, I am sticking to watching the headlines and the immediate news afterwards because it is all I need to hear.

just for today 

Duncs 

Good Morning Dunc,

Thanks for the message on my diary.

I am happy to hear that you spent a nice night with your wife last night. I hope that you and your family are fit and well during these difficult times.

My wife is a teacher so she is all over the education thing. That is her thing so I encourage her to charge on. It keeps everyone busy and happy.

We are lucky to have a front and back garden so the kids can play and get some exercise. I feel sorry for the poor souls stuck high up in flats with kids and being told to stay inside. That must be tough.

We can all only do the best that we can.

As for the three week shutdown- no way we’ll be back at work in three weeks. It’ll be far worse by then. If the Government had said a two month shutdown there would have been panic and anarchy. This way once they have businesses shut they can keep extending it for a few weeks. This is going to take a long time. I’m thinking we could all be off until mid May.

Take care.

RR

Yes am trying to limit how much i watch the news as well. I can live with the current restrictions as they are but I just hope they don't tighten them even more. If I can't go for a solitary short run, then i will struggle a lot more. But it is what it is and I guess if things get worse then we will find ways to cope.

MMmm the idea of sausage and eggs sounds nice. I just need some sausages and some eggs! 🙂

As you say... Just for today.

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by gents I am driven to remain abstinent as a result 

I have had a good day today, went for a walk up to the fields at the back of where I live and stumbled onto the corner of the golf course I used to play on some 30 odd years ago as a boy, it brought back some memories and I wandered around a couple of holes, nobody in sight and I collected nearly 40 golf balls in the long grass and bushes, funny I still remembered where to look , I brought them home and cleaned them up and will gift to a fella I know is a keen golfer, no way I will play again, lol waste of a good walk!!

had a lovely supper, seafood lasagna and salad which was delicious, Sarah is staying over bless her she ate supper and I put her to bed, she’s exhausted, a lot of work put in to make sure all her shoppers get what they need as a result she doubled her hours of work over the past couple of weeks, she has a day off tomorrow and I will make sure that is exactly what it is.

 I have the crossword from yesterday’s paper to do as a reward for my efforts 

I am also exploring what we can do as a business ourselves in the community in the coming months if the lockdown lasts as long as it has been predicted today 

maybe time to diversify our food operation because I truly believe that I can bring something of value.

just for today 

Duncs 

Afternoon dear diary 

I have just got in from a manic hours cycling as I haven’t been able to get out on my bike for a couple of days as I needed a new tyre as the one I was riding on had become fairly dangerous, gladly the local Halfords was open and I managed to get a new one, so I burnt a good few calories and feel much better for it.

 I have been listening to various podcasts for a while now and today I listened to an addiction related podcast whilst cycling and I was amazed to listen to a fascinating insight into the relationship between many addicts and sugar, or more so the bad processed sugar filled products that often addicts in recovery consume in vast quantities due to the dopamine release the brain gets as a result.

 I actually stopped cycling and rewound the podcast to listen again, this fella was talking about my life in addiction, I have consumed a vast amount of sugary goods in my life and I never understood what or why I may have had the relationship I did with those products and unwittingly I have consumed minimal amounts of those products since I arrested that last punt.

 I will be researching this further and see what I can do to continue with the path I am walking because it has had a profoundly positive impact on my mind and mental wellbeing. I will be honest I thought that I was a bit scratchy and self irritated because I was abstaining from alcohol but actually it may have been that cutting sugars in excess from my diet had an impact on the way I was feeling.

 I am truthfully really enjoying the enlightenment of digging into myself and how I function.

this is without doubt the result of approaching recovery in a completely different way 

I really don’t seek redemption as the drive to remain sober any longer, I understand that is a path I mistakenly thought would give me the life I will live.

recovery from addiction is my life’s aim, I am simply a man who has had enough of what addiction brings to his life when it’s fed.

just for today 

Duncs 

Hi Dunc's, interesting what you say about sugar. I eat multiple slices of bread and jam or bread and honey washed down with stupid amounts of sugary coffee, especially now that am spending more time at home. On a positive iv'e drunk next to no alcohol for the last 3 years.... (a couple of drinking episodes only). 

Your right of course, what we put into our bodies has a profound effect on how we feel and how we behave. If the supermarkets run out of coffee I will be in trouble.

As with you I am watching and listening to a lot of interesting things. I love a good Ted talk. watched one today about why western society is hoarding toilet rolls in the current crisis. Unsurprisingly it all feeds back into disconnection into society. Technology is bringing us together put also pulling us a part. Social isolation breeds fear and fear leads to panicky buying. As a society we are becoming more fearful.

Just for today

S.A

Dunc,

That is me. Gave up gambling and now addicted to sugar. I am certain without doubt that I have a sugar addiction. Everyday I eat chocolate, cakes, biscuits etc. It would take tremendous effort for me to give this up. The more I eat the more I need to eat until satisfied. I need to tacle this.

RR

Dear diary 

fella’s thanks for your shares I am not without my own vices I still smoke and with honesty I smoke a lot of cigarettes and I drink a great deal of coffee, I am fortunate in the regard that I have never added sugar to tea or coffee but nevertheless I drink a great deal of it.

 I have no immediate intention to cut either from my life and I no trying to cut either out at present would be something I would have to pay great consideration to.

RR the podcast author a recovering addict said to replace the sugar with protein because our body is actually more satisfied with that rather than the sugar and it’s our brain that wants the sugar and as you point out it’s never really satisfied.

true to my own form were I would devour a family sized chocolate bar and still want more, family sized bags of sweets no problem and biscuits I would demolish a whole packet without hesitation.

today I simply don’t purchase these things I save money as a result and I definitely feel the benefit.

SA fear is what we are driven by is it not, I am not getting past the headlines of the news at the moment because I know that there’s little other news outside the pandemic right now and for me I feel like I am being told what I don’t need to, the restrictions on movement I have complied with and I will continue to do so but I refuse to have my own mind filled with the widely broadcast doom and gloom because for me it’s deeply unhealthy and will be of no benefit as a result.

Duncs

Morning dear diary 

today is April fools day, for the first time in a long time I don’t feel like a fool

I read a great deal about gambling through this forum and I listen to a great deal of folk talk about their gambling lives in the rooms, I often find myself thinking about the winning they talk about, the reason they gambled.

 I can honestly say that from my first win a payout in tokens that I proceeded to feed back into the machine to the last punt I had I never gambled to win, in fact the act of winning actually hindered the purpose because the win I actually sort was not something I could extract from any machine.

winning was to give a very temporary feeling of elation and I would proceed to feed those winnings and more back into the machine and more looking for a greater feeling, I can recall many episodes were a win came almost instantly and I would proceed to raise the stakes and will myself to actually lose because I wasn’t ready for the win and I felt robbed as a result.

 I accept that this will read like a passage of utter madness and that is exactly what it is, I gambled looking for what I believed would give me the happiness I had felt on occasion in my life but never could pertain on a constant level. The feeling of contentment and inner happiness away from the storm that raged through my thoughts and made me question my worth to the world and myself.

gambling addiction offered me an escape from my own mind, gambling addiction offered that win that would propel me into the place I dreamed about. 
In reality I gambled on fruit machines and then the fobt, which in the cold light of a sober day offer a’big’ win of what, £500, hardly a sum of money that would change a mans life 

Today I believe I have the tools to live without a storm running through my mind constantly and I accept that yes storms will appear but I accept that by gambling I fuel those storms and I chased something from gambling for twenty five years and more that I was never going to find in fact I through gambling was running the wrong way.

 I have been compelled to do many things in my life, the no guts no glory gung ho approach to pretty much everything with the thought of consequence. Drink, drugs, food all can be added to the list and in truth I can say that none of them left me feeling content and full, it was always have another because what I sought might be on the other side of it.

Today I understand sober in many forms what a deeply unhealthy and often immoral life it has led me to live, the selfish actions it brought appose to the selfless fella I wanted to be.

 I wanted life and didn’t understand the terms it gave and as a result I self destructed in many forms. I accept that from day one, that jackpot of tokens aged 16 illegally in a pub had me all in, chasing the thing gambling addiction would actually take from me rather than give.

today, just for today I am beginning to understand the difference, I am 45 years old and the penny has finally dropped 

I can express myself in a better fashion if I am less compelled and from that I can accept life on life’s terms.

 I have not replaced one bad compulsive behaviour for another as a result.

just for today 

Duncs 

Well I am 48 years old and the penny has dropped too!!

I gambled in much the same way and with a very similar thought pattern. Like you say, an early win would rob me of the purpose of the gambling session. I could never just walk in, win some money and walk out, that has never ever happened. But then to walk in lose and lose and then win it back again was even worse, cos then you new that you were there for a the long haul, until you'd finally run out of ammunition 3 hours later.

The bottom line, we simply gambled to escape ourselves, the moments of euphoria were just like passing ships in the night. I would always reach a point where i could feel my self-esteem and self-worth just exit my body to be replaced by utter hopelessness. At that point I would either go to the lowest possible stake in order to avoid, for as long as possible, the full impact of the feelings to come when i exited the shop or go to the highest stake possible just to get rid of my money so i could actually go home and bury myself under the duvet. 

I guess we all know the walk of shame, desperately hoping that we don't bump into some one that we know and fighting off the feelings of just wanting to walk into the traffic or something else equally dramatic and life ending. I have always been a real danger to myself in the first 6 hours after a binge. That's a scary place that I wish i could bottle and just take a quick sniff when am next tempted.

Anyway iv'e gone on a bit with my dark thoughts of past gambling... your thoughts triggered me to write.

Onwards to better times...

Just for today

Morning dear diary 

SA I believe that what you write is the truth, it’s raw and not dressed up with flowers and that is exactly how I believe it should be.

for me transparency is the most important tool in my life, that everything is formed from the truth that the story continues without fiction. And that’s the polar opposite of the actions of my life when I feeding addiction.

 I worked yesterday and I have work for the rest of this week we have changed our food operation into a food delivery service because it’s something we hope will bring a bit of joy to a number of folk, we are not working for profit we are working to cover the costs and nothing more.

 I have a wonderful relationship with work it’s without doubt the love of cookery that has got me to where I am today without being a statistic of suicide because professional cookery has offered escape, today rather than an unhealthy escape it’s one that’s very healthy, I work for a fella who has no agenda it’s very healthy as a result 

I am truly humbled and thankful that I don’t work in a field that would leave my glass half empty rather than the half full one I have today.

my aim to top it up and try to fill the folks with half empty ones along the way 

because without doubt in my mind to truly recover and therefore rediscover you have to be prepared to give your recovery away.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I have had a busy three days working to feed the local community with some meals that we hope brought a moment’s joy, certainly a joy to be cooking and knowing that folk are getting fed, I had a very emotional thankyou from a fella that has health conditions that mean he is self isolated for 12 weeks and yesterday we made sure he has what he needs and knowing he has a Sunday broadsheet he normally covers a table with every Sunday when he eats we got him one and he was made up. The simple actions I forget when I feed addiction.

 The circumstances of life at present will change my life in a profound way, I will carry three things forward 

commitment, transparency and community 

and they have replaced 

I bet, I will try and whatever 

because as an active addict that is what I become, became 

no more self harm, just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I have a days rest today before five straight days feeding the folk who need the support of the community and I am so pleased to have the opportunity to do so, I have given a great deal of thought to life’s current circumstances and I have an ever growing hope as a result that communities will carry the spirit found in the recent weeks and carry it forward in life, because without doubt in my mind the world would be a better place as a result.

 I have ridden past the bookmakers I gambled in during my last episode every day for the past week and I have wondered if they will return to trade when they are able to reopen, for me it’s not something I have a problem with because I accept wholly that the problem is not the bookmakers it’s me. I am wired differently, I lose all my rational thinking when I entrenched myself into an episode of gambling, everything truly goes out of the window, I have written often that the world around me could have been falling apart and I would have just carried on feeding notes into the hopper.

 I act of utter madness, the outcome of which I would know before I stepped over the threshold, I would be resigned to the fact that I was going to put the contents of my wallet into the machine and if I had more available that to, the walk to and from the nearest bank machine kidding myself that would be the last withdrawal. The last withdrawal would come when I reached the limit of withdrawal or the funds ran dry.

then I would thrive on getting by, lying and deceiving everyone that life was great and that ‘tomorrow’ everything would be great.

 I would see those moments as achievements, my warped brain convincing me that it was the way to live. Utter utter madness.

today I don’t have access to the bank, I take great comfort from that and Sarah will control the finances for life 

I used to say I am being treated like Sarah had a fourth child not a husband 

today I know different, Sarah has a husband who is a compulsive gambler and he has the ability to live a life without addiction destructing it’s being

not having access to the hard earned is a tool in the box of my life in recovery 

for me there’s no shame in that, the shame would come if I regained access 

I respect that 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hey,

You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you

S.......xx

Evening dear diary 

thanks for your kind words Sandra maybe when the circumstances of life change we can again wander over the top of my city only this time you could bring your own beloved hound.

so in from another day’s cooking looking after some folk who need to be looked after and I again had some great feedback which is enough to make me want to give all I have to give tomorrow. Having the ability to work in the current circumstances is something that I wholly respect and we are applying the correct protocol to enable us to do so because without work I fully respect that I would struggle to occupy my mind and time without occupation is a very dangerous situation for me to find myself in. I equally respect that I need rest in between the long days and I am ensuring that I take enough time off to enable me to give my all when I am working.

its a very unique situation and I have had very little interaction with anyone outside a very small circle of people which is something new but I am so glad that I choose the place of work I am at because they are all genuinely decent folk, we really are looking out for one another and the boss is someone who genuinely cares which is equally something that I haven’t experienced too often.

addiction mean while has disappeared from my mind it’s sulked away to the depths of my mind knowing that any attempt to break the walls would be futile because I have shut all the doors and lay a brick in my wall between it every day I choose not to gamble.

my resolve as a result grows 

I have been further reading the 12 steps I will look to start working them before the end of the year, I believe I need some strong foundations between myself and that last bet before I work them and I will carry on researching them to give myself the opportunity to get the most from them.

 I stumbled around the concept of my higher power but today through talking to many fellows from the rooms I believe I have an idea of the direction I will take with regards to my higher power.

 I no longer fear giving my all to the recovery program, I have left no place for active addiction to play a part in my life, truthfully it’s had all I can give, it has had me licked, exhausted my will to believe it’s calling, I don’t want to listen, I accept I am beaten.

 I take a great sense of inner peace and I am confident that I am making progress every day.

as a result I am growing in patience, I don’t hold a constant feeling of anger and I look forward to every day because every day becomes richer than the previous one 

just for today 

Duncs