Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary 

tough day today, busy preparing for tomorrow when our food delivery operation stretches itself to the limits and today I found myself frustrated at the other staffs desire to get the job done and when I spoke about the issues that arose they just switch off, stop listening or give an answer that is simply untrue. I feel like I have no voice at times and to be honest the staff have become progressively less interested in the job as the week has rolled on, in my mind it’s almost like they want the time off like everyone else is having.

 I accept that my circumstances are different wholly different I don’t have anyone at home permanently, I have work as my ability to interact with life and I understand the impact not working would have. 
addiction loves moments like this it accepts that I cannot gamble but wants me to react and behave like an addict.

thats the lesson I will take today, I made a promise to myself that every day I will give my all to life, I will work hard in every aspect.

 I accept that I am not far enough into my recent life in abstinence to be demanding anything from anyone and folk will hold that opinion, I will not let days like today derail my path, from that I will remain true to myself and I accept that to live life upon life’s terms will throw days at me like today.

 I am just further determined as a result 

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

well yesterday I worked hard and we served out 160 roast lamb dinners with a creme egg brownie for pud, it’s strange not seeing the customers reactions and always leaves you wondering but that said I received some great feedback from that my mood is buoyed and I step into a new week feeling inspired 

the staff rallied I spoke about Saturday and I think they got what I said so we will move on.

off to work again more folk in need that I will do my best by.

couple that with the fact that Balance is 5 years today without feeding addiction a fantastic achievement, please give him the salute he deserves.

 I know that this is a terrible set of circumstances for all of us and I understand that I will have to wait for the circumstances to change before I get to see my beloved hounds it’s been three weeks since I’ve shared my love with them and it’s been hard but I understand it’s for the right reason 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

You are providing an excellent service to those in need and should be rightfully proud of yourself.

I’m sad for you that you’re not seeing your beloved dogs but it is what is is and this will come to an end soon I hope.

Keep going and take care of yourself.

RR

Afternoon dear diary 

well a quick break in proceedings at work so I will drop by, thanks RR I accept that I am doing the right thing by living within the guidelines set out for the greater good.

 I have noticed a huge influx of new threads on the forum, I guess a result of the circumstances we all find ourselves in, I know that time was one of the worst things to be left with as an active compulsive gambler because an idle mind would see addiction running riot over every thought and willing me to use the time to take away the need for anything because that win I deserved and desired sat waiting.

what I know sober is that is simply a lie. I could not win what I desired in a bookmakers because I didn’t care for the money, in fact I lost more of what I desired in the act of gambling.

addiction is relentless it will progressively take all you have and more.

 I accept that I cannot feed it, I am one punt from a destruction that won’t be replaced with money or repaired through my actions.

 I am living in the knowledge of that, every day I remind myself that.

as a result I am living life on life’s terms 

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

so another three weeks of restrictions and looking forward I believe that the hospitality trade I have spent my life working in will be changed forever, I will take whatever changes come and adapt to them. The current food operation we are running is working well we are providing a family meal for four at the cost price to us and every day we sell out and the feedback has been humbling. I am happy to be working and providing a bit of joy for folk in what is a tough time for everyone.

my commitment to recovery is helping me to navigate through and I am making a huge effort to work without breaking the guidelines and in doing so I am remaining healthy.

 The loss of life any life is an utter tragedy and I am mindful of that. 
I read an article this morning about gambling and the effects that the current circumstances are having on gambling addiction and the addicts that feed it, it’s in the guardian and they are requesting feedback either anonymously or you can give your details something I am happy to do and have done.

it wrote from both sides of the fence from the addict and the 60 thousand people employed in the bookmakers shops.

 I do wonder if as a result of the circumstances will all those remain after. To me it doesn’t matter I am the addict I have finally been responsible for that fact and am excluded from every shop I would gamble in

blocks in every form are a vital tool in my box

just for today save safe

Duncs

Morning dear diary 

A weekend of hard work complete and I enjoyed every minute of it, my reward not one of great financial gain but the knowledge that in the current circumstances of life I was able to contribute to the lives of folk who need a hand right now. That’s a statement of change, the inner addict would be throwing the bath water out baby and all calling it an utter disgrace that I should be giving and not taking because it needs to be fed.

 The true fact is I have and had spent very little money on my living costs since I again embraced recovery, commitment to change has brought change, I don’t want to have money in my pocket because without doubt I find ways to spend it without thinking or concern for it and it breeds a careless attitude, one that bred a want for things rather than understanding it’s better to take what I really need which for me gives a feeling of inner peace knowing that money in the bank brings security and a an inner peace that addiction has no way of accessing that hard earned.

 I have walked this road before, I have foolishly taken access back as a reward after a period of abstinence which gave addiction an open door to walk through, I will keep that door firmly shut because I know and accept it’s value.

 I used to think it carried a stigma and say I was being treated like a child but today I understand the difference, a child will make mistakes and learn from them and not repeat the actions.

A compulsive gambler will repeat the same thing over and again and expect the outcome to change 

I cannot win because I cannot stop

I am happy to tell anyone who needs to know that I am a compulsive gambler because if I don’t I again give power to addiction, without these two actions I know what the outcome will bring, I will not change the way I have lived in periods over the past eight years and I will leave addiction to reek further destruction. 
today I seek change, genuine change I am working hard on my  deep inner self, I am inspired to find a way to live without feeding addiction, without feeding episodes of depression by giving to the feeling of despair and as a result I am every day learning how emotionally I work 

I am no longer angry and I accept that I am living a life that has changed profoundly, I accept that my life will be one of difference but in living in this fashion I will be able to commit to change without regret or loss of inner respect.

I know that this comes with a need of huge commitment and every day I have a growing desire to commit.

just for today 

Duncs 

Dear Dunc,

I enjoy reading your posts. You are absolutely the best version of yourself in recovery from what I read. You work at having that fine balance in life. The ability to work hard, give back to others, appreciate the small things in life and take care of your yourself in a way that presents truly your best version of self to the ones you love.

You are on the correct path. Keep walking that line buddy.

RR

Morning dear diary 

RR fella you hit the nail on the head my friend, when I am abstinent from feeding gambling addiction I can achieve a greater level living life in a fashion that isn’t self destructive and that has a profound impact on the folk that I hold dear. 
without doubt in my mind I have given myself the best set of circumstances to address my failings through the circumstances I now live in, I respect that I as a result have a very different life to the one previous to the last episode of gambling which ended twelve weeks ago yesterday but I understand wholly that if I had continued to live with the same life circumstances I would have not sought the wholesale change I seek today, I accept that my previous eight years of trying and failing to live without feeding addiction was due to the fact that I found redemption through my actions and not recovery for myself. Without working on recovery I didn’t work on changing the circumstances which would eradicate addictions call and it’s power. Yes without doubt repaying money owed through the actions of gambling are important but I used them as the most important thing, I measured how well my recovery was going to how much money I owed. I accept that this is not the approach that worked for me because once I had repaid my debt which I did by and large three years into the first time I sought recovery what is left as a result.

for me there was in addictions words in my mind the reward of another bet as a result.

its my own mind that needs to be worked upon, I am beginning to understand how I act and react to situations and circumstances and ultimately what drives me to the fookekty f##%k button which even without the physical act of gambling once I have hit it self harm and self destruction is inevitable.

change equally doesn’t have an end goal, change is a process that I will seek for the rest of my life.

 I accept the above with a growing sense of belief and a true hope that I am finally on a path that will have the outcome I sought the first day I accepted that I am a compulsive gambler eight and a bit years ago.

abstain and maintain 

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I had a busy day yesterday and I put in a decent shift which will put the rest of the week in good stead. I have noticed a shift in many folks state of mind in the past few days, I think there’s a great deal of folk who are struggling to live within the current circumstances of life, to be restricted doesn’t come easy and a sense that they want to break free and get on with ‘normal’ life. Strangely acceptance comes with a relative ease, I don’t feel anxious about the fact that life is different, as a result I don’t feel an emotional imbalance, I think that addiction or more over recovery has brought the ability to accept the consequences of current life and I believe that the life getting through the events of active episodes of gambling which resulted in living without funds, the desire to socialise and that ability to survive bring the ability to get through the way life is today with relative ease. Mentally I am actually enjoying the time given, I am working hard on giving my mind a decent workout through the GA literature and the many podcasts I have found and to equally give my mind the rest and relaxation it deserves. Without doubt my abstinence from alcohol since I arrested that last punt is a huge contending factor in helping, I haven’t had any clouded mornings or drink fuelled episodes of talking myself into promises I simply cannot keep, sober I have been on a constant level and in truth I have found a huge sense of inner peace as a result.

 I thought about the prospect of not having an alcohol drink again and I have to be honest it’s an ever growing possibility because I accept that I am a different person when I consume alcohol and in truth I don’t like that person, I without doubt have a terrible relationship with alcohol, I use it for all the same reasons I gambled, escapism pure and simple and like the four episodes of gambling over the past eight years Alcohol consumption is progressive in the way I use it. The odd beer turns into a minimum of eight to ten beers a day and I function, I still attend work, sleep for the same 5 hours a day and to the world I may appear normal but inside I am like gambling and thinking about the next punt, I am thinking about the next drink.

 I am comfortable with that statement because it’s another truth that I will happily live with.

 I have in my mind created an equal balance 

to find ways to live without the crutches that in one form or another I have used for thirty years is I accept a big undertaking and I have a desire that grows to live without either effecting my life.

exercise is my new found place to release my emotions, I have never really committed to exercise in full, well alcohol put pay to it in the main and through gambling addiction I progressively didn’t give a hoot about myself and today I believe I am beginning to understand why

I genuinely feel as well physically as I can ever remember and I accept that addiction would not want me to feel good about myself so exercise will be my ever growing healthy addiction 

and mentally I am wholly committed to the recovery program, I no longer fear it, I believe that this is due to a shift in my mind. I accept that I left a door unlocked for the past eight years, I wasn’t 100% committed to recovery, I just wouldn’t wholly let go, I feared life without 

today I want a life without 

without self destruction, without the emotional rollercoaster, without hurting myself and others as a result 

recovery offers that and more 

I am walking that path and I am actually really enjoying the result of what I see

just for today 

Duncs 

Duncan,

I sit here this morning having read your post a few times.

Something i will refer to as my " lightbulb " moment.

I look at past behaviours of mine where alcohol has been involved. Drinking to get drunk. Not knowing where the line is. Basically a mirror image mate.

Today i have some internal thinking to do.

Has alcohol crept up on me again?

I thank you for your post.

Best

Dunc,

Thanks for sharing your last post. I have read it several times today. Your posts are honest and usually leave me thinking about certain parts of your writings in great detail. I take a lot from these type of posts - deep, honest thoughts of someone in recovery. This is one of the reasons I use this forum.

RR

Evening dear diary 

gentlemen I cannot put into words how genuinely humbled I am by what you both wrote yesterday and from that I am without doubt further compelled to seek the best version of me that I know lays beneath the wreckage I have brought to my life.

 I put in another shift today, thirteen straight hours hard graft and I did it not to try and please anyone, not for praise, I did it because I am simply compelled to give the best I can to everything I do, for myself and to fore fill the promise I made myself thirteen and a bit weeks ago that every day I will climb into bed tired through the effort I will give to my life. I am approaching the 90 day marker, it’s a figure that was given to me the first time I walked into GA over eight years ago and I have carried it in my mind ever since.

A fella called Tony said after I spilled my guts into that room, broken by my actions, he said ‘welcome and well done for finding the courage to walk through the door, give recovery 90 days and if you don’t notice the difference then go back at it’

I felt a hunger from those words I wanted to fix all the problems I had brought through my gambling and I wanted it done yesterday and then I wanted redemption.

 I will acknowledge that in that first two years before I gambled I achieved a great deal on the outside, I repaid the money I owed, I made apologies were possible and I got praise and redemption for my actions but I didn’t work on the inside of my mind.

abstinence is easy, I can put blocks in place to halt that next punt, it’s staying abstinent that takes the biggest of effort and I respect that I have to work on the inside of my mind to stay abstinent and in there is a lifetimes work.

 I believe that the days since I last gambled have been used to erect scaffolding around my mind, I have shored up the damage created by the last storm I created through my own inability to remain in control and now I have the ability to refurbish my mind and how it works.

 I am amassing a toolbox of useful things to work on myself, GA, GamCare ,honesty, transparency, communication, the twelve step program, many folk who offer unconditionally their support and no desire for anything in return. Alongside that I have practical tools, self exclusion, Sarah has control of the finances, I have no access to the money I work hard to earn but an equal contribution as to the best use of them and most of all I have no shame in telling the world I am a recovering compulsive gambler, I am an alcoholic and I respect the fact that I am better placed to live a long enjoyable and healthy life as a result.

Life is no cake walk I accept that, I accept responsibility for my life and nothing more.

 I am today in, all in for a life in recovery with rediscovery to enjoy, all on life’s terms.

just for today 

Duncs 

Good evening Duncan,

I thank you so much for your comments and feel somewhat humbled by them.

I have never met you, or Sarah, or the hounds but somewhat feel i know you all.

Personally i would like to have an hour of your time to sit down with a coffee and talk about this addiction as i feel we could learn so.much.

Sir - you have my utmost respect 

Best

Morning dear diary 

balance I have rambled on your thread, I will be honoured to meet you in 3D it’s something that I have had the honour to do with a good few authors from the forum and each time it’s had a profoundly positive impact on my life.

 I have a belief in my actions today, I am committed to taking my inner weakness and replace it through the use of my inner strength, I am not looking to be ‘someone else’

I think I understand that sentence in the correct context today. What I take from life and it’s teachings is I am not wholly a bad person, I am a person who has made a great deal of terrible choices, I have been a wrecking ball through my actions but I have in equal measure had in amongst all the terrible things moments of joy, humility, hope, generosity, kindness and deep happiness.

 I have a growing belief in myself as a result, but not the self centred arrogant one addiction fed my mind.

 I am wholly committed to recovery 

I accept life on life’s terms in a better fashion as a result.

just for today 

Duncs 

Good morning Duncan,

Many thanks for your kind words on my diary yesterday. GA was something in the beginning that never quite worked for me.

Perhaps i wasnt looking for it, perhaps i didnt want to find it.

Now perhaps i have no reason not to look into things further.

Best