Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Day 350 without having a punt today,not a punt on anything, no bookies,lottery not one single punt.

I was triggered to think about this alot today after reading about andy's return.

It was like winding the clock back a year or ago.

I was burrowing money from anyone who had it to give.

And worst i told them whatever i needed to,to get the money.

Oh if you had put all those folk in one room they would have all had a different tale to tell.

How sad, me i blamed everyone except myself for this demise in my fortunes.

Looking back,they all started saying no more,out of more love than i ever deserved.

f**k i would have sold the lot of em up the river to get on that winning run!!!!

Each time i borrowed i just put more pressure on myself .

Today i look back and see how my addiction had fully consumed me, truthfully nothing else mattered.

With each walk of shame the stakes got raised.

Truthfully did i enjoy the chase, the buzz.

f**k that left many years previous.

If addiction could have talked,it would not have been able,because it would have been too busy laughing.!!!

Today i had an urge.

An urge to show a compulsive gambler that step back and you Will see,

I cannot win because i cannot stop.

At best you prolong destruction by winning tomorrows stake .

It beat me up big time,i could not see it,blinded by it.

Today i see the devastation it reaps !!!

For us the punt is about so much more than the stakes.

And ironically we can join the winners enclosure.

Just for today No bet.

Abstain and maintain. Better your tomorrow.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Well done Dunc, keep going, day at a time, as I do the same.. regards.. S.A

Wow ! That's all I can really say Dunc. 350 days man. That is amazing. And what an awesome post. I can really relate to some of that. The constant borrowing from anyone who had it to give until they no longer can "help" us anymore. Blaming other people. And if the gambling could talk. You are so so right. It would be laughing HARD in our faces.

Great post and brilliant catchphrase. I love that " Duncs stepping forward never back" thing you got going on. Quite unique.

Thank you so much for your support on my diary.

Hi Duncs,

Firstly wanna say your last post to me was probably one of the nicest I have received from anyone....feel so humbled!

Now.....lets talk curry........I freekin love my currys.

Spices, love using mustard seeds (gives off an amazing aroma) Also I love to use curry leaves..gives off an oil (I think!!!)

Let me know when you get the perfect combination of your spices and I will try and re-create. Ooooh and also dried chillis in oil but hurts your eyes when cooking...but bet you know that already lol

Cooking ma me Nandos tonight...hot and spicy (how I like me men!!!)

Love to the family...Sue xx

Hey Duncs..

glad you are back..and also that you are as focussed as ever..

hope it all got sorted out behind the scenes xx

r and d xx

Evening diary.

Thanks all.

Focussed on living and living for me means balanced.

Today i wound in a hard days graft,got loads done,wow got as far as mothers day and Easter menus.

Something for a fella who this time last year could not see the end of a day coming. Now i am focussed, comfortable.

Confident that i have a purpose.

That's work.

Then home,put the tandori chicken that's marinated for 28hrs in to roast,walked the hounds with my beloved wife and home to make my first byriani with the chicken.

Served with some Kashmiri potatoes.

The verdict.

Not bad.

Well unless your my lily-may.

Who after half a dozen waters declined to eat any more .

Lol.

Maybe Thursday i Will try again and tame those spices lol.

Tomorrow i Will work the early,with all i have then me and my boys and sarahs kid brother are off out.

Hot dogs and milkshakes then the hobbit for us.

All this again made possible because i live my dream,no those pipe dreams brought to the fore through my addiction.

Today i arrested it for the 351st day on the bounce!!!

Let the streak continue.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc.

Glad you are ok.

Take care,

gazza

Hi Duncan

Pleased to see things are still going well and I hope they continue to do so for you. So close to a year, hey.

Enjoying a moment of clarity at present I can really relate to your satisfaction of having done a days work and realise how difficult this is when you are reeling from the last nights losses.

That menu seems great by the way. I am a lover of all Asian food - the hotter the better.

It is amazing how much more of the stuff I can afford to eat when I don't gamble. Your post brought me back to my successful couple of months at the beginning of last year when I had a curry at least once week. Funny the simple things we have missed.

Take care

Mark

Hi Duncan

Just popped in to say "hello". I hope the coming days, weeks, months are everything you wish them to be.

Sounds like you've been busy- thinking about Springtime/ Easter already. I do wish spring would hurry- this dreich winter weather's getting boring!

Take care

Irene

x

ps Paddy loves his new coat 🙂

Wishing you well Duncan. Will cheer you all the way to the end of the month. A truly incredible achievement. Not there yet but within touching distance of a great marker. Have a great week.

G

Afternoon diary.

The film was great.

And the company better. I watched the entire film without falling a kip !! The first time for a long time.

Day off today, had more blood tests today they still are trying to find out what causes my aches and pains.

Me i will march on.

Curries in the oven for supper and a night chilling out with my beloved.

No bet today no time for it!!

13 days to go until i reach my first year gamble free.

The foundation nearly there.

Duncs stepping forward never back

hey duncs..

.

am taking the full moral inventory and know my part in this all too well which is why im now staying single for the rest of my life and the sake of all mankind...lol quite looking forward to being a barking old eccentric with 12 cardigans and a menagrie of animals xx

yep...judgement day is here so all i can do is just

face it and get through the next s few weeks..months big test...

hope they get to the bottom of your health at the docs..you must feel like a pin cushion xx

Thanks for post on my diary duncs! Feel a total mess today so disappointed with myself.aw wel am back on the gamble free bus again so lets hope this time I never get off! Good to see u doing so well urself mate. Take care

Dunc,

Not long'til 365!!

Have a peacful weekend mate,

gazza

hey Duncs...

i think you are right with what you posted on mine and in many ways if we are doing this honestly we find that our alter egos come out on these diaries or the real person or side we don't show publicly..

The big shocker for me when i got on this site was that gamblers were nice people ..i didnt want to believe that as it suited me more and to justify my behaviour to have a blanket view of people and say "they are all selfish, hurtful people"...

I also think this is why a lot on the other side drop off as maybe looking at their part in it is too painful.

I wanted to believe the negatives so id have someone or a group of people to blame for me feeling so bad and my life in ruins... it was harder to get to grips with the fact you are all not selfish people and actually really lovely people and that I had to get my head around the illness side!!..it was easier for me to not believe that but as we know Sir Duncs...I rarely go for the easy option. ; ) x

It has been a painful process for me to accept that....

I have been very jealous of people with addcitions and you saw all that anger in my previous diaries...

I also wanted an "excuse' and disease to hide behind as i saw it then and also wanted an excuse for all my bad points and to be labelled an addict so i would fit in and not feel so alone with the stuff i was feeling.

I didnt have one...If im sarcastic its cos im generally bad not because i'm an addict...I went into AA willing to be an alcoholic but I was'nt so i had no group to identify with until Coda.

For a long time I went around being sarcastic and behaving very vengefully...if questioned i would say "Im a codependent addict..so deal with it...like i've had to with you lot"... lol..

As my ex used to arrogantly say if I were the addict he would have been off like a shot as "i would not be the person he fell in love with"...I still chuckle at that whilst still having the great desire to punch his lights out even now if i clapped eyes on him.

When his mum got on my dairy and i found out he needed bailing out again recently....part of me was glad he's still gambling and therefore in pain and suffering and that pleases me..plus it has knack all to do with me so I can't be blamed...sorry but thats my truth.

I got great delight in saying I also had a 'condition" as i wanted people to also go through a very painful process and do the work of having to do a total 180 in their thinking and perceptions...hey ..its an honest progamme! ; )

For me Duncs my diary is my alter ego...the thoughts I have that are not nice ,my true motivations and resentments and if i were an addict in the traditional sense .. i would act out on...

These are not visible usually in my 3d life unless under huge stress I c,rack...then it comes out.

Like you I tell everyone about my situation...and i am extrememly open as the more people know about it the more it can not remain a secret ....

I also tell people about my part in it with Codependency and take responsibility for it and my dark side.

I fortunatley work and socialise in an industry whereby this type of conversation is mainstream so i am lucky in that way...

anyhooo...went off rambling there..but we have both come a long long way in our recoveries Duncs in this last year from opposite camps and for that we can be very proud xx

R and D xx