Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Julie.

Diary: having some pretty bad urges tonight. Starting since I got off work. I cannot win because I cannot stop. So, there is no point to it. It's pure futility and will make me feel like complete sh it in the morning. Tonight I say NO! I have my pajamas on and am getting ready to watch Gray's Anatomy with P. Those goons won't get my money tonight!! It's mine. I worked hard for it. I can NEVER win because I NEVER stop. Not until I have spent every single dime I have. I won't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -joanxxxx

Hey sis 🙂

Very true, we cant win because we cant stop. Simple and very true words. Keep ur hard earned money to urself girl, u will get way more joy out of it than giving it away to soul less machines.

Keep beating those urges with that bat !!! Upwards u go!! Take care both and enjoy ur weekend

Tomorrow is another day, so make it ur day and gift urself peace and happiness u well deserve

S x

Thanks Sandra.

Diary: I am still walking that fine line today. I am disappointed because I usually wake up with the urges far behind me. I don't understand my brain. I don't understand how I can allow thoughts about gambling to go beyond harmless fleeting thoughts to full blown obsessive urges. w*f!! I am about 10 or maybe even less than that away from 90 days clean. Why am I f***k ing around with fire??? Why? -joan

Knock knock.... 🙂

Since u ended your post with question mark, i can't help but offer you some comfort and understanding girl.Right, urges yea, we both know that it's not easy to shake the thoughts off sometimes. It is b*****d nagging voice eh? But we know that it is only the thoughts girl..annoying as it can be, you are stroner than you think and can beat them away. Thoughts are not gonna harm you. It can b waiting game, and they might come unexpected...they do carry over to another waking day, but only you are in control.

Now ask yourself darling..do you want to go back there? Do you want to hurt urself by acting on them? We both know the answer - NO.

You are doing fantasticly well, i do understand it is not easy, and we do expect better days after exhausting evening day before. Life is not made like that. Urges were present yesterday and they can still b here today. You made the right choice before, what's stopping u to repeat it? Nothing dear soldier...

Not sure what tme is over the pond and if you work today, but if you are off and it is daylight brightening ur world, why don't u get out there and enjoy it? Minute at a time, ride the storm...maybe that lovely coast?? Get urself near allmighty sea....I will b waving at you that's for sure 🙂

You are in control Joan, and i'm just f*****g rambling lol...just want u to know my thoughts are with u and you are never on your own...on good, bad and the ugly...let's do it girl, lets march away from the disaster...life is more important than stinking gutting feeling we get after feeding the machines...besides..(not finished yet..sorry lol)..but YOUR hard earned money is YOURS to keep...Treat urself girl and never ever give up.

Hav a nice weekend...I AM PROUD OF YOU and i know this s**t storm will pass..Do you believe in yourself enaugh? I believe in you girl, you are never on your own..

Sorry for the story...only meant to send you a hug originally lol... (((((((( J )))))))) 🙂

B kind to urself

Day at a time

S x

Sis, you are a rare find. A rose in the winter -- a friend when they are hardest to find. Thanks so much for your caring and supportive words..

((((((((S))))))))

I came back on because I have more thoughts. To be honest with myself. I am overwhelmed with job related stress. Every year around April the budget for the next fiscal year is created. Every year I worry if I will have a job or not. I hate not knowing. I refuse to grovel. So, I sit and stew in my own juices until I reach a point where I am done. Gambling about it would be worse than ridiculousness. I am worried about finances so, the answer is to bankrupt myself?? I want to bury my head in the sand and my default setting is set for: sitting in front of a slot machine. I have to reset my default setting to something else. Stresses are going to come. That is life. Addicts like me need to learn how to cope in an adult world without self destructing. I can do this. Sometimes just sitting with the thoughts and hitting the pause button buys us just enough time to get the lights back on and engines roaring. The worst thing that can happen is that I am written out of the budget. I would have to find work elsewhere. I am good at what I do. There will be something else for me to do. April is a month away. The past is in the past time that no longer belongs to me. The future is time that does not belong to me yet. The only time that is mine is right now. So, I am telling myself "Don't worry... beeeeee haaaappy"....

So relate to what you are saying and feeling BUT-----

http://youtu.be/Oo4OnQpwjkc

Waving amidst the mud.

xxx

Hi Judy... Is their any particular reason to think that you would be written out of the budget?? Like you say, you are good at your job. Am sure their are rules and regulations with regard to your employment that they would have to follow well in advance if they were thinking of ending your job??

With me I know that I often have this habit of catastrophising stuff in my thoughts and the more I stew on stuff the worst the outcome is definitely going to be. In reality what happens or doesn't happen is usually dependant upon what "I" do or don't do and not on what "others" do or don't do.

Anyway I hope your having an ok weekend and telling them gambling gremlins to go f*** off... warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks Dragonfly. :)!! And, thank you S.A -- the sad truth is that I could easily be written out of the budget because as a part time trainer, I only contract for 1 year at a time. When lean times cometh the training budget is always a sacrificial lamb. So, every year around this time I wait with bated breath to find out once again if I was budgeted in or budgeted out. I get what you mean about creating a catastrophe where there may not be one. I mean really, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Just this particular chapter. For me, change is always stressful because I imagine the worst case scenario. And, that is something I need to change. lol. After all, I could imagine a positive outcome. So, again, thanks for the words S.A because they were so true. Nutt'in changes if nutt'in changes..

Oh, and about gambling... It has been a weekend from hell for me with urges. I am pushing through. When I read a post about a CG going into a casino with money and leaving with money I broke into a cold sweat. The thing is; those d**n slot machines were designed to tease a part of our brains that was created to make predictions. When the machine registers a near miss it is done on purpose to trick that part of our brains into feeding endless twenties into the slot. We keep predicting that the next spin is bound to be the winner. The reality is that the outcome is purely random. There is no possible way to predict a win. 100 or 1000 dollars fed into that f u ck er -- there is no guarantee that one will get that desired outcome. If I was the 1 in a million that did achieve that win I would not go home. I would continue to gamble until it was all gone because I am a compulsive gambler. CG's cannot ever win because we cannot ever stop. Casinos and slot machines were made to make money and lots of it for the gaming industry. NOT for the consumer. If the consumer happens to be an addict all the better for the industry!! Gambling on slots was meant to be a no win situation for the average consumer. If a no win situation is your cup of tea then more power to you. For me, it will always be a waste of time and money. PERIOD. Cheers everyone!! -joanxxx

Joan

Glad to read your resolve still grows my dear friend.

The old nearly wins!!! I actually got more of a buzz of the coulda woulda shoulda Feelings of those nearly wins, funny on a session of random gambling wheels how many times those nearly wins happen.

that buzz to nearly win is simply not worth a stack of twenties!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not today or any day

Gambling for me too is a complete waste of time.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hot Joe delivers a buzz today, the same delicious buzz each time, less than 20cents a mug and never lets me down!!

Thanks for dropping in Duncs. Always appreciated!!

Diary: The hours are passing like they always do. Some days they seem to drag on while other days they fly by. I don't write on other diaries as much any more but, I do read from time to time. I am always inspired. I have forgotten what day I am on today. Nearing 90 I suppose. Maybe I am there already? But, where is "there"? I am learning that this journey I am on will last a lifetime. But, what's a lifetime? So many existential questions today! So, today: Will I push through it like a prisoner? Etch another notch into the wall once it has ended? OR, will I savor each moment? The choice is mine and for that alone I am beyond words -- grateful for. For me, this life is not a prison sentence. It is a gift. Moping is a choice. Wallowing in boredom is a choice. Gambling myself into bankruptcy is a choice. To avoid handing my power over to gambling addiction today, all I have to do is not do it today. -joanxxx

nice positives judy

im reading with a smile yes recovery is a lifetime

sadly i have handed over my choices to gambling but not today

today i know gambling is poison to me tomorrow i might forget but today i wont

Thanks triangle. One day at a time...

Diary: I am thinking about letting my diary rest for awhile. I have pulled back considerably from posting on other diaries because I have been trying to let go. I started my diary back in July of 2012. That summer and most of 2013 I met many wonderful folks on this site. I will never forget any of you. Today, I am missing some of those voices terribly but, I know that moving on is part of this process. I won't name individuals for fear that I might leave someone out. You know who you are. I just wanted to say THANK YOU!! I know that when folks don't write for awhile it worries others so, this is my way of saying I am just resting for now. I may be back tomorrow. Who knows? But, for now: Take good care of yourselves fellow GC's. Just for today, where gambling is concerned the only thing we have to do, is not do. ((((((((((((((GC)))))))))))))))))joanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey my dear fighter, sister and friend 🙂

Well, little tear wiped away fully composed and even managing a smile which I hope you can feel, I come along to say thank for all your support in the past and present. I fully understand the feeling to give ur diary some "rest", smthing we all I believe do time to time. This journey is never ending, many people come and go, few people come and stay. The personal road we take in this journey is unique in its own way. Nothing changes if nothing changes and finding the balance in life is the hardest task (personally for me) but we do move on. One way or the other the wheels are turning my dear soldier.You are fantastic person and doing great in ur own recovery. For it be proud, the honesty, wisdom and strength you have shared with all of us is never forgotten. So just thank you for being YOU, someone which always will stay in my heart and never be forgotten.

Anyhoo, I'm rambling lol..all the best, reach for the stars with calm mind and soul Joan, you are worth everything this crazy life got to offer. You deserve only the best things for now, today and forever, hold on to them and never let go.

Hugs to you and dear P, stay safe girls...and..just speak tomorrow :-)))))

I am very proud of you both and hope you know it yourselves.

Take care

Day at a time ..go and get them girl!!

((((J))))

S x

I have just updated my own diary and was leaving others as rushed for time but had to reply after reading your thoughts.

It is very bizarre but despite my job supporting people to change I find it difficult to accept change in my own life and as you say I miss many of those that have 'moved on' from here.

I understand completely the need for this but will always think of you when I log on here as the picture of you firing frozen dog poo pellets over the fence is seared in my brain for ever.

I have loved the gift you have for expressing my feelings in your words and despite the harsh times you have offered so much support and humour.

Please drop by now and again to let us know just how wonderful life can be.

Will carry on waving in my mind, which at times I have felt you can read.

xxx

Joan

I will miss your friday post my dear friend, but upon this journey you have to look after number one.

Without that you would have nothing to build upon.

I wish you all the very best from acroos the pond and every time I drink my hot joe I wil smile and think of you.

Warmest regards to P, that wonderfully special person in your life.

thanks for all the amazing support you have gifted the folk of this forum.

Remember the door is revolving.

Duncs stepping forward never back.