Angel From Montgomery

Sticking close to my diary today. Not overwhelmed with obvious urges but, am feeling I am needing to be very vigilant. It's times like these when out of the blue I will get the idea to go and then that's it. We hop in the car and go. We tell ourselves it will be different this time. It will be like it once was. When we were blissfully ignorant of what might happen if we get hooked. Just a few hundred. Nothing more than what most folks would spend on a nice evening out or on a couple of new outfits for work. Ahh the twisted mind of a gambling addict. The truth is we can never go back to the way we were ( I can almost hear Streisand singing in the back round) lol... Kidding aside. One trip. One twenty dollar bill. That is all it would take to send us into a gambling spiral. So, I have to say no. No matter what. Not today. Sigh.. Poor addled brain. So easy to just push aside the misery, the worry, the shame, the fear, the dread, the poverty, the self loathing that sets in when all the money is finally gone. Dear Diary today is the day that I stop for good ( secretly thinking -- I cannot wait until payday... and the next stint) One twenty dollar bill and it all starts over again. So, I stop. Step away from the merry go round. Sit down upon the soft earth and watch from the sidelines until the urge passes. Clarity once again restored and it becomes obvious to me that those folks on that crazy ride aren't having any fun. They aren't going anywhere and real adult life goes on without them.... joanxxx

Hi Joan... I hope your getting through the weekend without hopping in the car and going to the devils lair. Like you say, you have stepped off the merry go round. Take care... S.A

Morning S.A, all clear and thanks for checking in. (((S.A)))

Diary: I had a real heart to heart conversation with my mom yesterday. Some tears but, the happy kind that come with the feelings of relief. Like a burden lifted. I have been holding onto some anger and resentment for years... and somehow, at one point during this exchange my heart opened up, the flood gates were opened and it all just came pouring out. It wasn't like a dumping session all over my poor little mom. Nothing like that at all. It just came out of nowhere around a conversation that had nothing really to do with old wounds. It was about a higher power of all things. And how our perceptions of god as we understood/he/she/ or it has changed shapes over the years. How we felt as children and how we feel now... At one point in this conversation not only our eyes but, our hearts met. Our real selves. I don't expect anyone reading this to understand what happened in that moment. The point is today I feel a weight has been lifted off of my heart. Or maybe I finally unchained it after all of these years.. When I read about Duncs watching his dogs fly I laughed out loud with joy. Joy ffs. The feeling one is supposed to have on Christmas morning like Ebenezer Scrooge maybe when he discovers that he has a second chance -- lol. I know that I am not going to feel like this forever or for even the rest of this day. the point is I felt it for once if even for a moment. Joy. And, it aint about the dogs either... lol. It's hard to explain what I am feeling.. that was but one example.. Writing these things are risky I suppose and I am tempted to edit but, the hell with it. I feel good today. I have money in the bank. The whole day to do whatever I want to do. A loving partner and the whole free world to enjoy. Except for gambling at the casino. I did that, got the tee shirt, the mug, the bag of chips, the pin, and the hat and all for the tiny sum of: 30,000.00, my sanity, and my soul. What a deal!! lol. -joanxxx

((((( J )))))

Now don't u dare to edit this absolutely heart lifting post!! :-))) Thank you dear soldier, u not only touched yours and ur mums heart, you touched many more hearts who read this tread!!! May long the joy continue, may long peace and happiness stay close by ur heart.

Keep making the right choice dear sis,

Open that huge soul of yours and let it shine through 😉

Have a fab day girl

S xx

Let u off about not being able to put the link on!! Ha ha,, bless your heart darling.

Be good girl and stay of the streets lol,, unless you decide to walk those lovely dogs of urs :-))

P.s. I heard they are smthing to do with Queen?? You've got contacts? lol lol

Take care and enjoy ur freedom!!! Xxxx

Diary: Continued progress on the abstinence front. It has been approx. 10 weeks since P and I set foot inside of a casino. I feel good about that. All of life's problems, challenges, disappointments etc. etc. are still there. I am changing for the better. The fog has lifted and I am thinking more clearly. I am interested in reading again and also have more energy for what I need to do around the house and caring for my aging parent. Gambling on slots only compounded the problems, challenges, and disappointments. It made me forget alright but, burying my head in the sand also kept me from feeling the simple pleasures and joys of day to day life. We are still in debt but we owe less than half now. We now have cash to pay for what we need and I no longer sweat about where the money is going to come from to fund our next stint. I never realized how much pressure I was under to stay in addiction. One thing I can never afford to be and that is complacent. P and I went 15 weeks last year and all it took was one twenty dollar bill. I can never set foot into a casino again. I can never place one twenty dollar bill into a slot machine ever again. Today, I'm okay with that. One day at a time. -joanxxx

Diary: Spring is a couple of weeks away. Time marches on. Life goes on. Change is inevitable. Time, Life, changes, all happen with or without me. I choose to be an active participant or a bystander. Some days I am fully in it while other days I stand on the sidelines to watch. Lately, it's all good because I'm not adding poverty, desperation, shame, guilt, resentment to name but a few to the mix. Life is what it is. Life is what I make of it. Life goes on. With every new day we are all just beginners. All of us newbies in one way or another. Blah blah blabity blah. lol. -joanxxx

Diary: A little dull on the outside and a little dull on the inside. Not so bad I guess. I will just sit with it all, and see what happens next. There is one thing that I will not do and that is entertain any thoughts about gambling. These thoughts,they can come but they can go too because I'm not taking the bait today. And, if this sh it t y little perfectionist fairy doesn't get off my back I just might sit on my a s s all day just to spite her. -joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Just catching up on your diary and popping by to say thanks for the post.

You mentioned a phrase that really struck home about how you never realised how much pressure you put yourself under to keep your addiction.

That really resonated with me. We put ourselves and others under incredible pressure emotionally and financially and looking at the few pounds I only have now I don't know how I managed to gamble so much. I suppose we always find a way.

I am glad you have some time for reading again, it is a wonderfully simple but effective way to pass time and is educational too! I have about 15books which I bought but never read as I thought gambling was a more worthwhile way to spend my time. Not any more!

have a good weekend, ODAAT.

Together we can do this

Paulds

Thanks Paul and yes, we can do this!!

Diary: Tough night last night with the gambling urges. We pushed through them. I woke up this morning feeling better. I am relieved because I am not scrambling trying to figure out how to make up for losses. I am not scheming about how to get money out of family and friends to fund my next stint. I did not have the best sleep last night but, I did rest. I did not come crawling home at some obscene hour literally shaking from the adrenaline and panic that comes with loss. I will never forget what I gave to gambling and what I got in return. I gave all of my time, all of my money, and almost lost my soul to this demon of mine. In return I got broke, and very lost for a long time. Gambling on slots and I are over. It simply sucks as an activity because my partner and I are not in it for fun or leisure. When we are in it we are in it for complete immersion and in that place there is no beginning and no end. It's an endless cycle of madness. Hell is the word I guess. Gambling for us is pure hell. The little ones are coming for a sleep over tonight so that means fairies, unicorns, popcorn and brownies. What a wonderful world they live in! Lol! -joanxxxx

Joan

I love to be able to share your friday post my dear friend.

It always gifts my resolve in a greater way than you will ever know, for it I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Funny I was talking to a friend from my GA room this morning, he was feeling like he is going around on a roundabout again, nothing changing in his eyes, but like your good self I can see from the outside that recovery serves you well.

Change, progression is a steady progress for me, things don't come in dramatic hits like they did in our gambling lives, but the good things are there for all to see.

Today yours comes in the small package that will gift your health the unconditional love that gambling always failed to deliver.

Enjoy it.

Because you work hard for it.

Thanks for sharing.

duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan and glad you pushed through them urges and came out the other side unscathed.. well done!

Hell is often a word I used to describe my gambling cycle as well. Sometimes when I'd first arrive at my usual machines I'd pause briefly and think "O god here we go again!"... somewhere at the back of my mind I already new how it was going to end up. Someone once wrote on the site about they wished that these places simply had a drop box outside where you could just dump ALL your cash, cards and possessions of any value and get it over and done with...in 10 minutes rather than 10 hours!

Keep up the good work. Regards... S.A 🙂

Hey S.A truer words were never spoken. I too often said to my partner, why don't they just take our money at the door. It would be more expedient.

Diary: The little girls went home. I am completely exhausted. Off and on thoughts about treating ourselves to of all things a stint. I am getting used to these thoughts and seeing them as what they are. Just thoughts. The compulsion to act on them is much lessened because we have managed to put a significant amount of time between us and the last binge. I am not growing complacent. Just noting that the time and distance has taken the edge off of the real searing urges I used to feel during times when we were fully "in it". I know I will always need to be on my guard. Well, I think that's it for me today. I'm too tired to type. lol. Just hang in there. Take it one day at a time. It really works. Life does become more manageable and in time even more enjoyable. -joanxxx

77 days since the last fall..

Diary: I am feeling ok today. Even, I suppose. That's better than listing. Steady as she goes. Sky a crystal blue, calm seas -- for now anyway. Sometimes my moods twist and spin like a weathervane in a tornado and that is how I get myself into trouble. For me it has been about relearning how to cope with day to day life with other people in it. lol. It's not all about me. Tomso I think said it best today. Day to day life is not about achieving unsustainable highs-- it's about maintaining that steady movement forward. And, when we hold it steady we can become more mindful of the little pleasures in life that are all around us like Tomso's walk in the park on a Sunday, or for Duncs, baking that cherry pie, for Dragonfly, that tenacious little crocus, or for me basking in the company of my nieces... Abstaining and maintaining. Steady, as she goes. joanxxxx