Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan... I use to write similar posts for similar reasons but what happened in reality was that I was back within a week cos I missed posting. But anyway that is me and you are you.

All I will add is that please do pick up your diary at any time, it will still be here. Your thoughts will be missed. Take care... S.A 🙂

(((((J ))))

Just a wave over the pond! Hope calm waters are there to give u peace and happiness.

Stay safe sis...

Take care

S x

I have to echo Dragonfly's post.... "you have a gift for putting my feelings into your words". I can't express in words how much enjoyment and inspiration I've received reading your diary. You will most def be missed here and like others, I do hope you will pop in from time to time. Temps here have finally risen above zero (just). Hope you and P have a lovely spring. Take good care of yourself and thanks so much for all of the support you've given.

Diary: I think I heard from my brother last night. That may not sound strange if you did not know that he died last year sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I say sometime because we really don't know. He was found on his apartment floor by the super of the building he had once lived in. Nobody really knows how long he had been lying there. His first born son with the same name is an E.N.T. and suspected maybe a week or two. I remind myself of these obscene details because they really happened and they now exist in my heart and sometimes they need to be spoken. I don't expect anyone to get this post. I am writing it for me. I think Ed popped by last night and I have evidence. A bad penny. A joke between he and I maybe..

P and I managed to get to 90 days and then slipped back into casino gambling. It doesn't matter how much won or lost. In the end it is always lost. When I am committed to abstinence I can do it. I get complacent or perhaps slide into an "eff you all and me too" attitude. We never bet the entire farm and always manage to stop before every single dime is spent but, that doesn't matter either because for us it was a slip, a fall,a loss, a set back what ever the f***k you want to call it. P looked so despondent last night after another 100 bucks down the toilet... The ride home was in complete silence.

The bad penny? Lol. I had slipped a ticket into a money machine to change it into cash and after the bills popped out and the change fell into the cup a significant delay and then a strange thud. It was a single dirty penny that shot out and did not even tinkle when dropped. Ha ha.. I don't expect another living soul to understand. All I can say is that I believe it was Ed and that he was there by my side last night.

It was sometime in late November of 2012 mom and me were sitting in the living room and for some reason I was thinking about Ed and the fact that he hadn't called in some time. I said to my mother, don't worry ma. You know Ed. He'll turn up eventually like a bad penny...

I miss you Ed. I'm sorry that I keep f***k ing up. Sometimes things get to me. Things that I do or I don't do. Things that other people do or say-- whether on purpose or not I let get under my skin -- the opposite of water off a ducks down. My skin drinks it all in and I cant stop the itch or the pain, or the noise. I just want out and I think that sitting in front of a slot machine will give me that out but, it doesn't because it has to end. I cannot expect to be able to stay in that space forever.

Thanks for being there Ed. You will always be my big brother. My lion. My champion. I cannot call you or send you a text. All I can do today is miss you forever.

We could have gone home and drawn out more cash but, we didn't. I don't expect any applause, applause, I live for the applause plause for coming back here. I find that waiting for folks to reply can sometimes be hurtful especially when they don't. I said it all gets under my skin and I meant it. But, at 54 years of age I know that it is all by choice. I can change if I want to. Sometimes, it feels like it would be easier to escape a maximum security prison by bending the steel bars with my bare hands than it is to escape the smoke and shadows that exist in my own mind. -joanxxx

E.

Of all days for this to happen. The tax refund has dropped into the account. We desperately need to use that cash for needed car maintenance. P has a wedding shower to attend today so, that will keep her busy. I have a ton of things to do around the house to keep me busy. We need to come up with a plan tonight. I feel very strong at the moment. I think losing helps. I showed ma the bad penny and she got a good laugh. If I stay honest with myself about my feelings about how I let way too much get to me I might be able to find that pause button again. We fell down. We got up. We are moving forward again. Christ this is hard. joanxx

I hear you.

xxx

I hadn't seen your post in my diary saying you heard me when I wrote the above, lovely to hear from you again but sad for both of us that the wonder in life is so hard to find at times. I just have to keep reminding myself when I drop into a low that I can reach the heights again, we both can.

xxx

(((Joan))) There is no doubt at all in my mind that Ed was communicating with you. I've had similar experiences on a few occasions. Sorry for your pain, Joan. And sorry that I took so long to post to you..... been in a big slump myself. Wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better for you (and for me).... but all I can do is be here for you. Hang in there. You know it will get better.

Thank you so much gals of GC. I really appreciate your support and hope that all of you know that I too go into terrible funks and cannot always write on diaries. I wrote those words this morning about how low I get when I perceive that I am being rejected by others because this is something I have lived with all of my life. I have to start confronting my level of sensitivity because I cannot use it as an excuse to run away. I believe that Ed came to tell me that if I was struggling with writing on this forum that I could always write to him.

As a young nurse I was once told by a senior nurse supervisor that I was too sensitive. Too thin skinned. I Up to that point I had always thought that my level of sensitivity served me very well. However up to that point I spent a lot of time on my own painting or writing song lyrics to sing along with my guitar. I was never very good at either but, these were things I did when I knew nothing about slot machines.

Today, in the third working as a trainer in a corporate setting -- I suppose the cure for my level of sensitivity is not to channel it creatively but to take antidepressants and a good antianxiety med. I'm not knocking them. On the contrary, I might wind up on them yet as I have not ruled them out.

I need this diary. This forum. I don't always know how to use it in the best way for me. I call my new thread Letters to ED because, wherever he is he loves that title lol, and because I believe he is here by my side and listening all of the time.

-joanxxx

Hi again

my ex husband told me I could never be a social worker as I was too sensitive - twenty years on, what did he know. I think it's the ones that are hard as nails that are least effective.

Have you read Sea Glass by Anita Shreve - I collect it too. I read masses and love getting lost in fiction and love books about people's life experiences, in fact I read anything and everything. Have to use a kindle these days as no room for books but they keep me sane I think as another escape from reality.

I feel bad about my neighbour as it is not his fault but the owners who has rented the mooring to him and demolished the riverbank as he doesn't care as he lives somewhere else so I guess I need to swallow my anger and allow this guy to enjoy the life he has chosen here. I am lucky as my houseboat is two storey so I get beautiful views all round as mainly glass whereas most of them are single storey. Mine is static as well as I have no engine whereas the narrowboats travel the river but I don't mind as I have a garden. If you and P are ever over here do drop in for a cuppa as people are always surprised when they visit and see the reality. How lucky am I in reality.

xxx

Joan

for me it is plain to see the issue for you is that you never got to say goodbye to Ed, no words I write or any action will ever grant you those words, loss is hard on the mindset, even harder when we don't get closure. Enjoy the fact that he does stand by your side, don't mourn him,relish those moments.

as for the gambling my dear friend, you will find the serenity that is total abstinence in your own good time, you never have given up giving up,for that be proud.

Be kind to yourself

From me it is and will always be unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hello sis (((((J)))))

Wow such a heartwarming posts...I missed you posting, really did...and ..ur words : "I need this diary. This forum. I don't always know how to use it in the best way for me".... really echoes my feelings too.once again, u r not on your own wiv your feelings 🙂

Really glad you come back with such a spirit girl, ED couldn't be more prouder of you, in fact he is smiling down now, every minute, every day...so just smile back girl, keep moving on, make your world so worthwhile living and take it all in. You are worth it, never forget that.

Take care and stay calm and at peace

S x

Hi Judy... I always thought you would be back. You never really went away. In some respects your very similar to me. You enjoy writing to much and expressing yourself with the written word is what you like to do... its therapy.

I know when am struggling in myself because I don't want to write. When ive left before I usually come back within 2 weeks with my tail between my legs. But its always better to come back straight away than go 6 months or 3 years in the wilderness and then to come back under a different user name and even deeper in the s**t.

I don't think ive ever sat at a slot machine ( I always stand and get achy legs) but as with you, for the length of time I am at a machine I have my "out" from life. Eventual I always get to a point where it no longer brings any excitement whether I win or not..it simply becomes about staying in my gambling bubble for as long as possible. I know that the sorrowful walk is just around the corner so I avoid that impending feeling for as long as possible.

Keep posting.. warm regards... S.A

Thank you all so much. I have learned and continued to learn so much about the gambling beast, and myself as I plod along on this journey. The slips and falls along the way are the times I seemed to have learned the most from. Duncs and S.A you are right-- just keep going. Just keep coming back. It's all in the learning.

E.

I had a very long heart to heart with mom on Sunday and it has taken me this long to process some of what we talked about. We talked about the past mainly. Not to tear open the old wounds but to sort of visit them and to place fresh flowers upon the scars. The bottom line was that it has taken me half of a lifetime to figure out that the one I needed to forgive, to let off the hook was me. Not a dead man. Me. Forgive me for what?? What did I ever do?? I was the one who was hurt.

What I did was to back myself into a corner and then spent nearly 50 years creating the most impermeable wall to protect my broken heart. I spent a lot of time blaming the wrong people for my pain. I took my anger out on anything that moved. I was right to be hurt and I was right to be afraid and right to be angry but, I sort of froze up at that moment in time. And I remained like a statue. Pointing the finger. A permanent memorial to that terrible event. I gave all of my effort, my power, my love, and nearly half of my life away to preserve my precious righteous indignation. For that I am sorry and the only way to move on now is to let myself off of the hook for allowing myself to stand still for so long.

The irony is I have been seeing a doctor who keeps telling me that if I keep going at this rate I am bound to break my heart ( heart disease). I keep telling her that my heart is already broken but, I don't think she gets it...

So, at 54 my heart is a little battered and has a few cracks in it. As an adult I have not been a perfect person and have made enough of my own mistakes now, to know that we are all imperfect--just people-- including dads. Leonard Cohen wrote: So let the bells ring that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. Everything has a *** in it. That's how the light gets in." My battered heart still beats and if it weren't for all that I have gone through I would have never met P. My soul mate. It's funny because I would go through it all over again now, knowing that all roads would eventually lead me back to her.

Ed, I wished you and I could had travelled to the rocky shore of Lake Michigan before you decided to lay your hammer down for good. I would have liked to have returned the favor. To be there with you by your side. Like you were that day for me. I don't know, and it probably would not have a made a difference but, I would have liked to have had the chance to try.

Rest now, bud. Talk soon.

joanxxxx

Hello dear sis 🙂

I think your new way of writing is really something amazing. I always loved to read how creative u can put your thoughts down. Something so special and calming to read.....even if it's a little venting session lol .....never!!!!! :-)))

B proud girl, you are so strong and lovely person, u deserve all the good things in your life. They r right there in front of you, reach for them and hold on tight.

All the best, stay calm and peaceful

S x