Angel From Montgomery

I made some really stupid decisions in the past and let my soul mate walk out of my life not once but twice when we met up a second time after seventeen years and now I have no idea where he is, I just know I will always miss him.

I just think that if you are with a special person as you are with P that life can offer so much.

Enjoy the spring flowers and plan all the good memories you will make in the summer. As they say 'look at the past but don't stare' and please keep writing your letters to Ed, so good to read.

xxx

Hi E.

I found the penny on the ledge of the dry erase board. I am really hoping that it really is you that leaves these for me. Believe it or not it is the Easter season again. This morning I am remembering Easter baskets and the chocolate eggs that dad hid all over the house. The fact that he was two people is what always made it so difficult for me to hate him. He was a monster when he drank but, when he was sober he was calm, direct, in charge and that voice... I loved listening to his voice when he sat across the dinner table from Ma telling her all about his day at work. I never really listened to the words but, the velvet tone was like music to my ears. He loved to paint too. His paintings were a complete disaster. Lol. The day of his funeral John and I stood in my old room where they were all displayed on the wall and I can still remember John and I with tear stained faces and red noses breaking into spasms of laughter looking at them all and how much they really sucked!

P has some family thing to go to tonight. That's good because when we are on our own we get devious and that is when we typically head down to the casino. We think that we are controlling ourselves by carrying limited amounts of cash but, we still manage to over spend. I am better at understanding why we go. It is pure escape. Total immersion into a world of buttons, sounds, bells, and the promise of a jackpot. There I don't worry about lost airplanes, molested children, cancer, doctors appointments, as s hole s from work, how incompetent I feel at times, how fat I have become, or you, for that matter. I am still missing you so much. I come to write on this forum because the people here understand that I really don't want to wind up completely busted. I have ma to think about too now and cannot afford to mess up. I cant afford to go to the casino because even more than the cash we lose, which is too much, we lose time. That lost time stacks up.

Sometimes I find it hard to write on here because I feel like my recovery doesn't measure up to some others and I fear retribution for not being strong enough or committed enough. I have learned however that recovery is bespoke and that the only person I am really accountable to is me. My goal is to remain honest with myself at all cost. I am still learning and I have decided that as long as I am leaning I am moving in the right direction. Besides, you and I have always marched to the beat of a different drum. While the entire Christian world immersed themselves in the King of Kings on Good Friday night you and I treated ourselves to The Exorcist. Lol. And if I remember correctly we really freaked ourselves out too!! Ha ha.

When I gamble I become two different people.... I hate the person I become when I am obsessed with a slot machine. The road seems particularly long today but, I am moving forward. Talk soon. joan xxx

Joan

Simply it's unconditional my friend.

Keep writing, gifting yourself therapy.

Funny how this holiday gifted us both some happy memories of family life,mine because as a child the day yesterday used to be a day when gambling was not an option, sadly today it seems the industry is 24/7 365 days of the year.

For us we can gift ourselves through making the right choice.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan... great post and like you say, your recovery is about you...its bespoke. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what other people may or may not think. For what its worth I think your doing mighty fine and you have a great skill with the written word. Regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks for dropping by Duncs, and S.A.

Morning E.

I am up with the chickens this morning. That should be no surprise to you. I was always the first one up on Easter morning. One year I got into all of the candy and then lied about it. I put it all on Brian who was too young to protest. They believed me thank god, and I was spared a licking. Or, "lickin" as ma would say.

Last night was bad. I struggled with urges that never seemed to end. I wanted to run off to the casino in the worst way. Just 300 dollars to split between us. What would be the harm? I want what I want when I want it! I have learned that nothing changes if nothing changes. Somehow we managed to pull through.

Today, I woke up feeling that familiar sense of relief splashing over me. It's moments like this one that I really need to savor. It's Easter morning. I'm clean. I have all day to be with my family. It's freezing outside but the air is crisp and clean, the sky is a perfect blue, and, the robins are back. I want this feeling, this moment to last forever but,nothing is permanent...

Soon, everyone will be up and tearing through the baskets that the Easter P left. Later we will dine on roast turkey and homemade stuffing. We will all go to bed early. Tomorrow will be a new day and with it will come whatever... And, for right now, In this moment, I seem to be ok with that. Rest easy buddy. I love you, and I miss you. joanxxx

Hey sis 🙂

Happy Easter to you girl and hope you had a great and peaceful time.

Sorry to hear you had some tough time with sneaky urges, but hey girl, you beat ....and beat them some more!!! Way to go!! Be proud..I sure am proud of you 🙂

Ya know...I love to read your letters..I went for a run the other day after reading one of them and it got me thinking about one person which is sadly not here anymore..all the time I was thinking what I would like to tell her..all the things I had no time to say..it just puts it all in different perspective. I think it's amazing way to remember your loved ones/friends. It is the warmest and most amazing way to show them they are never forgotten. .because they are not and never will be..

Right there girl, in your heart, the beat which never stops for you and all your loved ones, here or higher in heaven.

Sorry for the ramble, but your diary is the most peaceful place to visit..so just can't help it. Thank you for sharing.

Take care and all the best. Stay safe girls

S x

Hi E.

The numbers are in, and they are not good. I must make some dramatic lifestyle changes or I could be facing some terrible days ahead due to the irreversible damage I might have done to my liver. I don't drink anymore. It's kind of ironic. I gave up drinking over 20 years ago and yet my liver looks like that of an alcoholic's. Anyway, my liver problems stem from excess intake of certain bad fats, refined sugar, fast, and, processed foods. In short, The American Diet. My liver is sick and may even be dying but, not because I drink too much alcohol but, because I eat too much of the wrong things. The thing is; I eat the way alcoholics drink. I eat the way gambling addicts gamble. Abstain and maintain. If only I could abstain from taking that first bite of tasty food. Lol.

Eating disorders/addictions in my opinion are seriously underrated. It has been suggested and I agree whole heartedly that the best way to manage a gambling addiction is to stay the hell away from any form of gambling. The best way to manage a drug addiction is to enter into rehab and go cold turkey. mmmm turkey.. lol. Food addiction is tricky because we must eat in order to survive. Dieting for me is like controlled gambling is to a gambling addict or controlled dosing is to a Heroin addict.

Yesterday was a very dark day for me. I woke up in a cold sweat. I was feeling very sorry for myself and I was raging. Of course my quick fix was to run to the casino. Which, we did. And, as predictable as the tides, WE LOST. We lost as soon as we crossed that threshold. In a way I am grateful because if we won I would probably still be sitting in there..

On this journey,

We walk, we trip,

we run, we fall down.

We get up again and move on. ( I read that somewhere and it stuck )

So, once I got over my tantrum, I got out the books on liver cleansing and started reading. This morning I substituted almond milk for Half and Half in my joe and, you know what? It wasn't too bad.. P is planning menus that are liver friendly. I've got my game face on and I am once again ready to roll. Food and gambling are my kryptonite and today I accept that.

Look, I might go down but, I have decided that I am going down fighting because I believe that every day is worth living. Do I get agitated sometimes reading posts about what a drag life is? Yes, but that is my problem. I heard a saying once that goes if you spot it you got it. Besides, Life is wise and has it's ways of straightening out us crooked arrows. lol.

For me, gratitude is and will always be that first and most important step forward. When I find myself wallowing in darkness the only way back to the light always starts with one word: Halleluia. Albeit a cold and broken one this particular morning, it's a hallelujia just the same. I am here. There is a misty rain falling from the sky and woven thru it are the sounds of the robins and the purple martins. Just out of my kitchen window I can see the cherry blossoms blooming.

" Life is eternal. Love is immortal. Death is only a horizon" It's good to talk to you again E. Talk soon. joanxxx

Ed

fella I wanted to take this opportunity to write to you to say I believe we share the same thing in life,we are both blessed to have Joan in our lives.

I am too an addled soul, my compulsion to gamble is something that tried it's best to ruin my life,in hand with that I lived the lifestyle of putting my body second,to which I too have a deceased liver, a side effect of my addiction in my mind.

Today is a day to stand side by side with your sister and fight the good fight,with all our sinew we continue to look forward,life's brutal at the best of times but we will never lose sight of the good things it has gifted us.

For Joan it was to have a brother she dearly loved,still does in truth,she has like me found true love,those two things inspire life itself.

If I were that side of the pond I would gift her a well deserved hug.

I promise to stand by her side,to continue to ride the storm,unconditionally.

We never give up giving up fella.

Thanks for being there.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi E.

I am reflecting on a statement I made in a past letter: Over eating and gambling are my kryptonite. These two things if done in excess can actually end me. Since I cannot control my gambling on slots I have to give it up completely. Much like artificial sweeteners and processed foods which turned out to be poison for me. Who knew?

It really is more than just breaking a bad habit. I have to find a new way to live. Some days that sounds like a prison sentence. Living one moment at a time or taking things one step at a time helps when I am feeling overwhelmed.

When I live in the moment I become more aware of my surroundings. I know I must sound like a real freak sometimes but, I am so turned on by the color of the grass this time of year. It's so beautiful. It's so new! Just now I felt a soft breeze blow through the open window and I can feel the evening sun on my face.

I seem to have gotten lost in the artificial sunlight of the casino. The artificial sweetness of prepackaged processed treats. Stuck in the get what I want when I want it mode. Predatory money mongers around every corner sending me emails to entice me. Come play with us. Come eat with us. Get high, get lucky. Have it all and have it now.

I am a human being and my natural state is to be open, creative, and giving. Not buzzed, over stimulated, and bored. When I am gambling and overeating I become closed, shut down, angry, selfish, broke, and physically sick.

it's not discovering a new way to live after all. I already know how to live. I just have to remember... who I was, and where I was, before I got so lost....

Joan

Thanks for the kind words upon my thread, I meant every word I wrote,you are a true friend and I enjoy walking by your side upon this journey.

The compulsive nature we seem to share can be so damaging,it seems our brains prefer to chase the things that are not really good for us.

You are so right in the fact that neither eating or gambling can be substituted,they are what they are.

For me gambling is the greater of the two evils because the gambling is something in many ways out of our control,we know the mantra all to well

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

this leads to a cycle of further destruction, the most prudent the 'I don't give a f**k' attitude which leads us down a path of self loathing and self abuse.

All for the random outcome of something we don't control.

That fits us to a tee.

Keep working on it,me I will walk by your side,whatever life throws at us,we will deal with it.

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP.

The result I choice life,warts and all.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hello again,

I could just cut and paste your last letter to Ed and put in my diary as describes my current feelings so perfectly.

I have muscular dystrophy, kidney disease and arthritis, all affected by any extra weight I carry. So what happens? when I am stressed I eat, when I am stressed I gamble, when I gain weight I am stressed so I eat more and gamble more and on and on I go.

I too am reaching back to find the life I lost - so easy on a beautiful day like today as the robin sits on my windowledge, the sun sparkles on the water as I read my book, but so different from just yesterday when I wasted money, ate bars of chocolate and cried in frustration at my stupidity. If I could just find a balance in life.

Just want to thank you for sticking around the forum as although I haven't been writing much recently I do still read.

Hope you and P have a lovely tranquil weekend.

xxx

Hey Joan,

I think many of us here are struggling with balance on here these days. No pressure, no panic, just keep being yourself girl, it's lovely to read your posts/letters...really is.

Have a safe and calm weekend

S x

Thanks for posting everybody!!

Hi E.

Just got out of bed and brewed myself a fresh cup. I used a little half and half this time. I decided that instead of having two mediocre cups I will now enjoy one really good one.

Looking at the day from this vantage point it almost looks like I am standing in front of a vast blank canvass. I don't really HAVE to do anything. Nothing planned. I don't have to go out and toil in the fields, or drag myself to a church sermon or scrounge around all day looking for food or shelter. I don't have to cater to the whims of some sloppy man who thinks he is the king of his castle. I can vote, hold down a job, and be a landowner in my own right.

Life as I know it here and at this time is quite good. I know I have said this before but, the simple act of not doing. Of not gambling slows things down enough for me to start looking around and noticing all of the things in life that I have been missing:

Time to sit in front of the computer and browse

Time to listen to music

Time to watch a program on t.v.

Time to talk to a good friend over the phone

Time to just gaze out of the window

Time to mediate

Money to purchase a fishing license

Money to go see a movie with P

Money to buy some extra fresh fruit

Money to buy a new juicer..

Space to create

Bored? I think the feeling of boredom for me is the initial effect of detoxing or coming down from the artificial highs that come over me as a result of very short and unpredictable spurts of dopamine. None of these things that I listed are boring. They only appear boring to me when I am craving an artificial high. The more space I put in between me and that last hit of dopamine the less I crave it. The less I crave it the less I miss it. The less I miss it the closer I am to letting it go.

Hungry? I believe the feeling of hunger comes from too much artificial sweetners and too much processed junk food. My poor liver has gotten confused and is now storing everything I eat as fat. In spite of how overweight I have become my poor body thinks it is starving. I have forgotten how wonderfully sweet a fresh raw strawberry tastes or a chunk of juicy raw pineapple or wedge of water melon!! I could go on. lol.

E. I am not sure where I am going with all of this but, I think the answer to my troubles are all here. Right within my reach.

Today I am grateful for the love in my life, my home, and my beautiful back yard. I am grateful for the means to purchase good healthy food and healthy leisure activities. There are those in the world who wish to exploit my weaknesses and that is their prerogative to do so. Life/Karma/God whichever will sort them out. Me? All I have to do today is to mindfully make the right choices for me. Oh, and to fill that canvass with as much beauty and happiness as it can hold.

Milkthisle is really good for the liver girl. Ya can find it in the vitamin section at wal-mart and pretty cheap under $10 a bottle. Take it myself just cause I like my cold ones and wanna continue to like em. LOL

Hi E.

My letters don't seem to be getting through. Perhaps gamcare has bumped me off the pages? This is a test to see..