Angel From Montgomery

Hi E.

It appears that I am still here. Lol. I wrote a long letter yesterday but, it did not go through for whatever reason. Oh, well.

I am working hard at my job and working hard at making the right choices. Better food choices and better choices about how to waste my time. Yesterday, we went fishing and I caught a pretty rock bass. I didn't keep it though. I wouldn't eat anything that comes out of that lake. It's sad but, many of the lakes are just too full of mercury etc.

I figure I probably need to lose about 100 pounds. If I look at it that way I will certainly fail. But, In just a few short weeks I have already managed to lose a significant amount of belly fat just by eating cleaner foods. I might weigh myself every few weeks or so. What is most important to me is feeling better. Taking this one step at a time and making the right choices makes me feel better.

Gambling works the same way for me. I probably have another 7200 days and nights to get through. If I look at it that way I am sure to fail. For me, quitting anything cold turkey does not seem to work. That does not mean I agree with gambling addicts gambling in moderation. Lol. That is like a heroin addict "using" in moderation. Yeah, no, it just doesn't work that way. All I am saying is that sometimes I get way ahead of myself and get discouraged. When I get discouraged and feel defeated those feelings lead to more bad choices.

I think I am beginning to understand this idea of lifestyle changes... I am in control. I am not weak or broken. As Pink says, maybe just a little bent. Hell bent. Lol. The point is the power to turn this around lies within me. I can do this by just making the right choices each day as it comes. If I fall short one day it doesn't mean that I have failed or lost the game. It just means I have to try harder the next time.

It is a gorgeous spring morning. I have the entire day ahead of me. I have some money in my pocket. I have a roof over my head. I have plenty of good food to eat and a family that loves me. I feel well today. I feel well. Til next time pal. I love you and I miss you. -joanxxx

Morning E.

Woke up to another beautiful day. I am learning to take each day as it comes. I am learning to fret less about the things yet to happen and the things that have happened already that I have no earthly control over.

Instead of dread I am learning to look forward regardless, if it is a picnic I am heading off to, work, or a medical appointment. It doesn't matter. I am alive and I am grateful to be alive. If it were a picnic everyday I would be bored. It's ok to still be learning. I expect to be learning up until and all through out my last day.

Some things I have had to take off the table such as refined sugar, artificial sweeteners, potato chips ( ugh!! that was a hard one. lol ) and second helpings. Gambling too is off of the table. These things are my kryptonite. These are things that I can/must live without.

Everyday these things will be there and when I get tempted to indulge I will remind myself that there are so many other things that I can have, that I do have.

Everybody has something I suppose that they need to work on. There are no innocent grown ups I'm afraid, and as they say, whoever they are; nothing changes if nothing changes.

It's time for breakfast and I am looking forward to that multigrain toast. In a little while I will be driving mom to a doctor's appointment. P will be home later and we will no doubt be watching that awful program The Voice -- god help me. Lol!

It's all good today E. Always thinking of you and glad to have you by my side in spirit.

Well sounds like ya got the day off too. Not that lucky over here, well don't have to be in till 11 tonight so yeah got most of the day off I guess. LOL

I hate restricting myself too. Whether it be food or gambling it just kinda makes ya want it more. LOL guess there's nothing easy about giving up the things we like and just gotta try not to put to much thought into it I guess.

Nice day over here too. Hope ya enjoy yours.

Heyyy sister and thank you so much for your kind words... Looks like a lot off the table for you girl, but as we know it's only for the better. I'm pleased to see you going strong and looking at the bright side. There is much much more out there than this destroying disease and unhealthy grub..lol sorry wasn't sure which word to use 😉

Be proud soldier, your soul and spirit can be felt not only in heavens but in every single corner of this world. Let it shine and thank you for sharing.

Peace to you and everyone around you ((((J))))

S x

Ps. Voice is bearable to watch when u sing along lol lol..maybe worth a try next time 😀

And there was me thinking how similar we were and you watching the Voice - couldn't do it if a dagger was held to my throat forcing me to eat sugar free muesli.

I think I am slowly returning to the real world after disappearing up my own backside for a few weeks. Don't know what the trigger was and doesn't really matter as long as I dig my way out now before I go completely under.

Think the last couple of weeks hit my lowest as very scared of visiting my past at my sons wedding and has left me reflecting on how much unfinished business still remains in my life which should be disposed of.

The here and now is what matters and the people in it and part of that is those on here that have helped me so much in the past and who I would miss.

Having a fucital day today but not in the sense of gambling but in the sense of just going to chill out and watch the world go by.

Thank you for being there and opening my eyes again to what I was missing.

xxx

Hi E.

Storms have rolled on through and now the sun is out and shining. It almost feels like summer! My moods have been up and down this weekend. P is away at a conference and I have to manage all of these d**n animals around here. Lol. Poor me.

Off work tomorrow and I am hearing it is supposed to be the pick of the weekend as far as weather in concerned. Maybe I will get out in the yard and do some much needed weeding. Or, not...

I'm not gambling on slots today. I'm not going to lie. I have thought about it. I did some reading around the diaries instead, and that as always was sobering. The bottom line for all of us is always the same. WE CANNOT WIN BECAUSE WE CANNOT STOP.

I suppose I did win today because my checking account is still in tact. I won 600. because I did not lose it in a slot machine! I am ahead woo hoo! I cannot even count how many times P and I won a couple of grand only to give it all back and more. Idiotic habit. Complete waste of time and money. Thrill. I'm so tired of chasing a thrill. What the hell does that even mean??

I am so proud of Shellyb for leaving her gambling addicted husband in the dust. My mom stayed with a man that she should have left. Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I would have made better choices. Who knows? Being a child of an addict of any kind is hell. I applaud her for putting her children's safety and happiness first.

Oh well. Earlier today when the rain was coming down in sheets I had an urge to go out and stand in it. I don't know what stopped me. Maybe worry about what the neighbors might think? Why the hell do I care what anyone thinks? I wish I was brave.

That's about it for me today. Rambling maybe but gambling, not. Hang in there everybody. There is always tomorrow. Talk soon E. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan.... weather here is mimicking what you just described and sun is about to peek out again. Like you, I am learning to take each day as it comes and trying not to let my emotions take over. I think I am slowly getting better at it (and I do mean slowly). I try to keep repeating that mantra "We can't win because we can't stop." and though, I can't report any sustained success, I do seem to get it once in a while. Keep being "good"!!

Morning E.

Memorial Day:

I was sitting here just gazing out of my window and thinking... My life doesn't necessarily have to be mundane. It could be tragic.

My life could be a day to day struggle for basic survival, but, it's not. I have it pretty easy. For that reason I feel fortunate. I feel grateful.

I think gratitude is an essential component of recovery along with some healthy humility. The choice today is recovery/Life or addiction/Death.

Well then, maybe it is a struggle for survival in a way. Spiritual survival.

I have come to realize that cannot afford to think like a gambler anymore. If I think like a gambler I wouldn't be able to imagine a life without gambling in it. I'm not a gambler. Gambling does not define me as a person. If gambling defined me as a person then I guess I could see how every day life could seem like a prison sentence.

Today, I am grateful that I am not a gambler. I am a whole person with passions that move well beyond just gambling on a slot machine. I am also a woman in this world that got caught up in wasting time and money on slot machines.

I managed to develop a bad habit around this and I had to put a stop to it. I have learned that an urge to go to the casino is nothing more than a fleeting thought. A distraction. I don't have to obsess about it if I don't want to and I certainly don't have to go through with it. All I have to do is let the thought pass and..

refocus. Spend that time instead, reflecting about how fortunate I am to be here today. I have the whole day ahead of me and my goal today is to move through it, come what may, with my spirit fully in tact:

Keep your thoughts positive

because your thoughts

become your words.

Keep your words positive

because your words

become your behavior.

Keep your behavior positive

because your behavior

becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive

because your habits

become your values.

Keep your values positive

because your values

become your destiny.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Talk later E. Love you and miss you. -joanxxx

great post i agree that winning is the worst because you chase that feeling, and i agree that everyday you dont place a bet you win thank you for this great way of looking at things

Hey girl and how's your memorial day going? Raining over here but I'll take a day off anyway it comes. LOL are ya off today too or gotta work?

Been staying out of the casino's radar over here. Not really sure what I got in for free time and guess it really don't matter as long as the trend continues. LOL

Hope all is.good with ya.

Hey there ((((J))))

Hope your memorial day goes peacefully and with not too many upsetting thoughts. As always it's lovely to read your posts, even if you don't do that every day.

Happy for you girls, here and now is the most important time. You are doing great job and I wish you all the best going forward. Life is for living...

E is one proud brother having honour to look at his sister from the above and save you from pain, anger and difficult times. You are never alone girl.

Take care and stay safe 🙂

S x

Love the Gandhi quote, have it on my desk at work as so true in this life.

Think I have caught some dreadful disease from the dirty floodwater still in my garden as sat watching Britains Got Talent last night, only one stage removed from The Voice or maybe as birthday last week took me to 64 the dementia has well and truly taken hold. Mmmm lots to look forward to then.

My friend has just booked a trip to Africa in the summer, she inherited pots of money, but have never been to India so might start looking into how I could make that happen before health vetoes excitement in life completely.

Have been thinking how random life is (much like a reel machine) with some being thrown the jackpot and others chasing all their lives. Babbling here a bit but thinking it is what we make of what we are given that is important and feel you are doing just that.

Looking out the window would be fun to attach a message to the pigeon in the garden instead of waving but he looks too fat to make it that far so will have to make do with a virtual wave (really lost the plot now).

xxx

Hi Judy... your thoughts get me a thinking as always. I like what you say when you said...

My life doesn't necessarily have to be mundane. It could be tragic. My life could be a day to day struggle for basic survival

Ive been through periods of my life when it really was tragic... no money for food, living in an empty shell of a flat, feeling very sorry for myself and occasionally suicidal... and all because of my compulsion to feed my money into slot machines. But like you also say.. I am not defined by my addiction, I am not defined by my past. I am not kept prisoner by it. I am free to define my future as I see fit.

Keep up with that positive thinking. Regards... S.A 🙂

Hope all is good with ya girl. Weather is starting to heat up around here and had a couple days where it almost hit 90. Wanna say it was 87 yesterday but the humidity wasn't up there so didn't feel to bad and never turn on the air-conditioning. Hope life is treating ya good.

Hey everybody! Soul, thanks for stopping by. I will repost soon.

Hi E.

I am freaking out about some medical tests I had done on Friday. I am living this day like the next might never come. I am looking at 500. and thinking that maybe it might be a good idea to blow it at the casino.

I wish I wasn't such a wimp!! People get through this kind of stress all of the time without resorting to drinking and gambling. I am feeling so weak right now.

I just vacuumed the entire house and that did help for a little while. Normally I would eat off my stress but, that's out too. No more potato chips. No more fried food.

I gotta push through this without gambling. We need that money. It's my rainy day stash. We no longer have credit cards. I cut those up a long time ago. I am glad too. It was the smartest thing we ever did. The banks offering people like me cash advances were just loan sharking. They knew exactly where that money was going and they lent it happily. B as tar ds.

I'm here because I know that I have a problem with gambling on slots. I don't want to succumb to urges today. I have no control over the outcome of those tests but, I do have control over how I choose to react.

It's a beautiful day over here today. Lots of sunshine and a mild breeze. We have a huge backyard and a picnic table to sit at. I quit drinking twenty odd years ago but, when you died I gave myself permission to have a cold Stella. And now, I still do, every now and then. It's funny Ed, I can only get through one or two now. I get full before I get drunk. lol. I'm not sure if I was ever really addicted to alcohol or if I wanted you to quit it so bad that I quit it.

Nope. My kryptonite is bad food choices and gambling on the god d am ned slots. I guess I have rambled on long enough. I don't want to waste that money. I don't want to waste this day. I think when P gets done with her chores we will kick back in the yard with the dogs.

Somewhere at this time there is some poor idiot sitting in front of a slot machine praying to Jesus and all the saints for a win. When they don't get it they will be cursing Jesus and all of the saints for losing. Ha ha it really is a game for fools. This fool is not going to part with that stash. Not today.

I miss you Ed. I wish you were here. I would call you up and we would have a good laugh at all of it. Just like we used to. Anyway, talk soon.