Angel From Montgomery

Hi Judy thanks for the post on my diary.

I am reading another 10 pages today of your diary i feel this is one of the best diaries i have ever read on here as it's so true and honest and you really put your feeling out there, either good or bad. Something i can take with me on my journey too. Keep doing the right thing. You are winning and i love to read this success.

CasinoRoyaloser

Hi E.

It's Saturday morning and I feel pretty strong in my resolve not to do anything stupid with what little cash I have. It seems if we can get through the strongest urges at the beginning of the weekend we can push through the rest of it. The urges weaken in strength and come further apart.

I just wrote a book on S.A's journal about my hatred of being made a slave of corporate America. I hate being a slot J****E and or slave of the gambling establishment just as much. I'm a free b it ch baby! And, I am going to work hard to keep it that way.

Pi ss off casino bosses! You dirty, greedy, lying, ba s tar ds! You are not getting a penny of my stash today. Now I have twice as much as I did last week. It appears that my stash is growing. I win when I do not play!! GRRRRrrrrrrr!!! 😉 Talk Soon -joanxxx

Hi judy

Have been reading your ups and downs on this road

And I must say ATTA GIRL ( which means You mean business) you won't give in and thAt makes you a very strong lady

I love your attitude to this Addiction it's sooooo positive and strong

Suzanne x

Well Sis...I listened t ur song few times today..good tune.

I haven't got much to say..u know how it goes when ur beaten..just empty..weird thing I wasn't chasing the money..I wanted it t end...but kept winning as u f*****g do lol...I knew I will walk out empty handed..and just rushed for nightmare t be over.

Simply was after the escape....hate it...yep..I love the way u put ur thoughts down. I will always have respect for u...call u a Sis for a reason. .hope u get it..

Stay safe girl

S x

Well, sis, I'm sorry you had a **** day. Shi t happens. And, I want to respect your wishes so will stay off your thread for now. However, now instead of just writing to Ed I will have to write Hi E. and Sis. That's just the way it is. I am loyal to a fault. So, sue me. Lol! **** days are a part of this journey. Recovery is not a straight line. There will be dips in the road. It's how we manage those bad days. How quickly we recover and get right back on track that counts. You are one of the bravest women I know. I know you will come back fighting. You can't help it. It's the way you were made. So, now I will try it out:

Hi E. ( and Sis ),

It's been a long day. A beautiful one on the outside. A little up and down on the inside. I have got to come up with healthier ways to work out my anxiety and for boosting my endorphins.

I struggle with low grade depression and anxiety. I know now that I used the slots to escape and to boost my endorphins. I also know now that gambling on slots doesn't help. On the contrary the losses make me more anxious and the loss of control makes me hate myself.

Once I get started I cannot stop. I can however, NOT START. I can choose to not start. The gambling bosses did not get my money tonight. That is the best way to stick it to them. I used to rage at them. Now, I laugh to myself. They could care less about me. But, they miss my money. Oh yeah. They miss my MONEY.

I'm am a little obsessed tonight and it would be better for me if I could let this **** go. I have the sunset. I have a cozy little home. I have my partner, my pets, and my little momma that lives upstairs. I have a full belly and the freedom to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. My evening might not be filled with limitless excitement but, I am not desperate or in pain.

Anyway, that's me tonight. Talk soon. -joanxxx

P.S. what in the world is wrong with the word s * i t? s * i t is a good word. lol hmmm let's try this: shhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeitttttttttt!!!!!

Morning Judy,

Just read you positive post, i like it. Full belly ha ha actually made me LOL. I feel the same way today i didn't give any money to anyone the past 5 days and even though it has not impacted on my balance and i have no extra money just the joy of knowing i went 5 days free is enough for now. I have tried something different today instead of looking at my balance and saying boy it's empty or so low i looked at it and said yayyy no deposits out to gaming sites, well done me. I have some money coming on the 15th and it will grow my balance a little bit and i cannot wait to see it and stare at it all day and say this is ALL mine. I am coming to your diary everyday 1st not sure why? I think im searching for some positive attitude from you but after reading yours today i feel a lot better. Believe me you hep people in ways you don't even know. I am a fan and hope the slots are really hungry right now and let those bastuuuurds starve forever.

CasinoRoyaLoser

Joan

I am simply so proud of you.

you have never given in,you are so true in what you write,this journey is never a straight line,its full of temptation,fraught with the shi##it you rightly talk about.

for me the penny dropped,no into the slot but in my brain that we can deal with the shi##t a great deal better if we are not gifting our hard earned to the gambling gods,f**k all good comes from gambling

As my dear friend robby box said it is a complete waste of time.

Something I could not have said better myself.

So thanks for sharing,a big high five to you.

A cup of hot Joe for me and off to work,a day in which I will not stop smiling,partly down to you.

I salute you

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan

so glad you have holiday plans, I need to get my act together and sort something as after slight disagreement last year with my ex partner won't be touring Spain again this year. I did stay in an old converted monastery in Ireland one year so may go back there for a few days to explore some more as my Grandad was Irish.

For some bizarre reason which unfortunately I cant decipher why, I am feeling ok at the moment, the demons are obviously otherwise occupied with other people which is a shame as would be nice to annihilate them from the face of the earth entirely.

Not doing so well on the food front as stupidly replaced my bread maker and banana loaf is delicious as is the African apple cake I made at 1.00am when I couldn't sleep. Kidding myself they are fruit based but have reams of sugar in them. I am so spherical now if I go overboard wouldn't get a life ring round me but then maybe I would float anyway like a whale, maybe even end up over your side of the world, a living breathing message in a bottle.

Anyhow what I meant to say was hope your results are all much much better than you think, the weather is good and life provides much happiness.

xxx

Hi Joan... luv reading your thoughts, you say it as it is, puts a smile on my face. I suffer with low grade depression and anxiety to. I liken it to functional depression. Its like I do the normal things that everyone does and I present myself to the world in a non-depressed manner but I also spend long periods of time just kind of sitting and loafing about feeling melancholy. Ive been munching on anti-depressants recently but ive run out and I haven't been back for anymore. Lets see if my symptoms get any worse.

Like you say, the gambling brought euphoria and escape but always followed by a deeper depression and emotional chaos and misery. I am generally a happier person (relatively speaking) without gambling... engaging in real life is my real challenge.. a work in progress, day by day.

Take care, your doing mighty fine. Regards... S.A

Hi E.

Sunday is almost gone. Any urges to gamble on the slots have seemed to all fade away. Off tomorrow but, already dreading class on Tuesday. No particular reason. Transition is always hard for me. Regardless, I did not use that uneasy feeling as an excuse to gamble on the slots tonight. I'll tell you what feels good right now. That wad of cash that keeps growing in my wallet. Ha! Talk soon. -joanxxx

Hey Joan,

Hanging in there, glad you are also. Fishing has been great this year, got my first musky back in April, couple weeks ago caught 36 smallmouth bass in 3 days. Works starting to pick up which is good, still got a long road ahead of me, but I'am doing it gamble free! Taking it one day at a time, seems to be the best way. Good to hear from you, take care.

Chicagoguy

Thanks for the reply girl and yeah kinda like water under the bridge and the cloudy sh-it has past. LOL Hope you enjoy that day off and yeah that 4 day weekend has gotta be sweet. Keep doing what your doing cause It's working.

Hi Sis,

Sorry if I scared you with my previous post. You know me, or maybe not lol, but then the pain is at it's rawest I tend to hide and push everyone away.

Fall back is worse than the start of recovery itself. Been chewed up and spat out by the devil no problem, now just left to pick up the pieces and set off on my journey.

Proud of you girl, keep telling the beast to P*** off. Life is better without it crossing the path, no matter how hard is to deal with some issues, it is not the way out...no turning back.

You are a winner, money in your pocket, mind is calm and free. Why would you want it the other way? No Sis, you are doing more than great and should be so proud of yourself. The only way is upwards, keep making the right choice.

Lovely morning over here. Been up since 2am..lol..yep, sleepless nights is gonna haunt me for a while. Eh..such is my own doing and I am ready to pass this test. I managed to find that peace looking at the sunrise, I stopped beating myself up and look at the world for that it is...it is beautiful place to be..

Waffling on lol..sorry

I wish you to have a good and peaceful day and never forget - the fear of the fear is the B*****r you have to watch out for.

Get out there and enjoy your day

(((((J)))))

Morning E.

Coping. Coming to the realization again, because this of course has happened to me before, that the method I am using to cope with life's periodic sheeeit showers may not be the best practice. In other words: at times the f u c kin you get, aint worth the f*****k ing you get. A friend of mine years ago told me that and I always remembered it. She was a Playboy Bunny who wound up marrying a very rich man so, she knew what she was talking about. Ha ha ha.

I am aware that I could have thicker skin but, my degree of sensitivity whatever that means enables me to see and absorb the world on good days too. I see that as a plus. No urges to gamble today because it's a Monday. The urges come on strong once I get through what I perceive to be the tougher part of my week -- which is the work part.

I guess I just don't like being around a lot of people all at once. I never did. I hate it actually. Lots of small talk. Lots of smiling. Lots of noticing what other people are wearing or new hair dos and complimenting whether I mean it or not. It's exhausting. Then I have to stand up in front of a group of people I have never met before and lead them enthusiastically through a pretty dry training on Medication Administration.

The Monday morning feelings of dread are coming on strong. I suspect that it is the four straight days of stuffing all of these feelings that lead up to THURSDAY night. The urges will just flow by like a broken down dam. ( I stole that from a song -- the broken down dam part that is.. )

"Make me an angel that flys from Montomery. Make me a poster of an old rodeo.

Just give me one thing that I can hold on to.

To believe in this living is just a hard way to go.

Well, there's flies in the kitchen.

I can hear them they're buzzin

and I aint done nuthin since I woke up today

How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, and, come home in the evening

and have nothing to say?"

You used to love music Ed. The only pictures I have of you as an adult are those of you singing and playing guitar. I think you would agree that we were cut from the same cloth. That same level of sensitivity. That same disdain for blah blah blahbity f u ck ity blah. So, you would try to make people and their parties a little bit more interesting by showing up drunk. Ha ha ha. I suppose we would both agree now; that dog didn't hunt.

I'm still here E. Still coping. I'm doing my best. I'm gonna listen to some music. Something upbeat. I'm gonna come up with better ways to cope. Whatever that means. I can't stuff Monday through Thursday and let loose on weekends anymore. Sounds just like the old man when I put it that way. All cut from the same cloth I guess.

What's the point? I guess for me it's all worth it because I can still see and absorb this world on a good day and I'm willing to bet, there are still plenty of good days coming up around the bend. At least that's what I believe. I think that addiction to booze robbed you of your hope E. I can't let the casino bosses and their slot machines rob me of mine. My money is one thing but my hope?

Anyway, I guess that's it for today buddy. Talk soon. I am really missing you today. -joanxxx

Hi Judy

Just want to say you are yet another great strong lady

On this forum thanks for your wisdom which I read on your diary

Suzanne x