Angel From Montgomery

Pah! What do you know about blondes Sesuo 😛 ..we kinda keep the world spinning don't we Blondiiieeeeee? 😉
Saying that, need to be more careful with ironing....me is strawberry blonde tho :-)))))

"One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bas**ard called again" 😀

Sis, i understand your anxiety feelings and the need to always be on top of things. SA has made a good point to me today - take every day as it comes. Don't threat over something what hasn't happened yet.
Your little angel is doing amazingly well, take the strength from little fighter.
Your Mum is your Mum..she is grown up adult with her own issues and you have always been there for her.
As of the lil tyrant heh heh..she should be the least of your worries!

P is always safe and comes back home. ODAAT suggested great thing! Make the day special on her return and it doesn't mean party till ya drop 🙂 most little things makes difference!

You're doing brilliantly..keep up good work.

Now..time for me to go to work..do need to check my sheddule if got any training lined up ☺ :-D...saying that, our trainer is blonde lol lol...get the picture and the fun in da house!

Ps. Apologies to all blondes...but if you won't laugh about the jokes, you will end up grumpy lil tyrant as me 😉

Later sis & take care xxx

Thanks for dropping in and lending your support yous two. 😀

The kid was treated and released from the emergency room. She developed a spinal headache I guess. I'm glad it was nothing worse. Last year we all spent Easter at the children's hospital. This year we hope to be all sat around the table at home! Ma told the nurse at her day program that she stopped breathing during the week. I was called to the office to explain. She couldn't breathe thru her nose because of a cold. Sigh.. Still obsessing a little about Monday and the pony tailed tyrant but, will push through. Maybe a tiny fleeting thought about gambling earlier today but have knocked it back. It's good to just get it all out on here and as I said earlier there's nothing going on at this time that I can't handle. Of course an emergency stash of jelly beans ( only a handful) were just the thing to take the edge off.

Thanks for the support Em. xx

Morning Diary:

Feeling ok today. Still dreading next week but trying not to over think. Maybe use the energy for something more productive or positive. Deep clean the love birds cage. Do the grocery shopping. Get a breakfast sandwich and picnic by the lake with P. Gambling is not in the plan. I don't need to run away from my life. I need to throw my whole self in it.

One day at a time.

Hi Joan, I was just driving home trying to figure out the time difference & whether I'd missed the boat in wishing you strength in dealing with the tyrant when I was compelled to pull over! I have a vision of a long brown haired man with a long beard, sitting cross legged on the floor @ a low table with a bottle (possibly Vodka) & I think I saw a guitar? Ed popped into my head but I can't make sense of it! No point keeping it in my head if it is a message for you but please put it down to my lack of sleep if it's just a load of old tosh!

Hope you had a lovely Easter - Kelly

Whoa! The bottle would be Jim Beam but, Kelly, your description of Ed is spot on. He let his hair what was left of it grow out and he did have a beard ( not super long) and definitely a guitar! He was never without it. Wow... Anyway, think the time difference is about 5 or 6 hours. I did manage to drag myself in to face the tyrant. She asked how I was - of course not really wanting to know the truth. I wasn't about to tell her I had thrown my back out over the weekend and that I secretly wished i was dead. So I smiled and said I'm great! 100%! I think I even gave her a thumbs up. Lol.. Can't let her know that I'm feeling puny for fear she might pounce. Better that she thinks I'm fine... One more thought. Not long after Ed died I had a dream. He was sitting cross legged holding his guitar on a high ledge of some sort. At once he just sort of slipped off the ledge and fell. Several months passed by and the words lost my balance came to me and I thought maybe that was what he meant in my dream. He had lost his balance. Not one day goes by when I don't think of him. I'd like to believe that that was him. Thanks for sharing that with me!!

WOW 🙂 Goodness, I wish I was more tuned into my 'ability'...It was very calming for me! Have you done any research into that dream? It certainly makes a lot of sense & I guess, you knew him as well as anyone so if that's what your subconscious said, then who is an 'expert' to tell you otherwise?

Good skills with the tyrant...I know it's mean but I can literally imagine you stooped over, wincing through a winning smile & topping it off with a big sarcastic thumbs up & her scuttling off to find someone weaker to pick on! Good on you 🙂

Having slipped discs in the past & regularly putting my back out, I feel your pain & sadly have nothing for you except a cuddle with a hot water bottle which is a comfort not a cure 🙁 Keep trying to do your stretching & if there's tightness in any bits you can reach, try a tennis ball for some gentle massage!

Hope you feel better soon - ODAAT

Thank you Kelly, stretching.....

So, Diary:

I'm pushing through the work week. The poney tail tyrant showed up at my training the other day to deliver her speech to the ranks on pass rates and termination. I sat quietly in the corner and lowered my eyes in reverence. She seemed to like that a lot. Lol. I'm writing this stuff down in a little note pad now to have in front of me when my doctor asks about stress and why I have gained 10 pounds. I usually just sit and stare back at her because, by then my mind at that point has become as they say, comfortably numb. Next time I will be ready with an alphabetized list. I almost split into 2 people washing out my dishes in the break room yesterday but I didn't gamble! Progress? I may end up institutionalized by this time next year. Got home dead tired. P is in Chicago so I had my chores and hers to do. I ignored the phone when it rang at dinner time. It was my neice's mom. I was in no mood for her histrionics. If my niece was in real trouble auntie number 3 would have called. All of the aunties have gotten together to form a support network. I love the kid's mother on most days, but she is emotionally draining. Not picking up the phone was definitely progress. Note to self: when I'm straight out that is not the time to give a pint of blood. Got to finish this cup of coffee and get into work.

Hey Sis,

How are things ticking along over the pond? Hope weekend is full of peace, smiles, happiness.

You're simply worth it!

Look after yourselves ☺

Thanks for popping by Sis.

Diary:

Struggling at the moment. Long stress filled week. Lots of what Louis wrote resonates with me. I was thinking about the pace at work. Folks running around non stop in a culture that encourages "workaholism". It is not only acceptable to show up to work sick it is expected. Everybody holding on and waiting for TGIF. Some folks will go out and drink themselves into a stupor. Some folks will go out shopping. Some will gorge on sweets. Others will park in front of Internet P**n sights. Others will go out for a gamble. Is everybody an addict? Nope. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Just that im just tired of living in survival mode. Fight or flight. Tired of fighting. Tired of living in the aftermath of escapism/addiction. Not an upbeat post from me today. Nothing inspiring or uplifting to offer. Just trying to get by. Not gambling but, not very proud of myself for secretly wishing I could...

Diary:

Note to myself: don't let the antics of a few chooches bring you down. Some folks will scratch and claw their way through, and it doesn't matter to them who they hurt or cut down in the process.

Diary:

Adult life is riddled with bumps and curves... I come to my diary oftentimes to off load frustrations and to maybe, just think. I'm not the social butterfly in the third. I am more introverted than extroverted. I don't like a lot of small talk. I don't believe in having 500 Facebook friends. Nobody has 500 friends. The people I love and trust I can count on one hand. I know lots of folks but most acquaintances. Folks I toss a wave to in the hallway or across the street. Where's the ramble going today? I guess I'm thinking that folks on here don't know me and I don't know them. I'm not here looking for friends but I have made a couple. I am here to chart my journey. Good days and bad days. I'm not Mary Sunshine nor am I Debbie Downer. Just joan. Some old gal trying to recover from her addiction to slot machines. My partner and I racked up 33000 in credit card debt. All of it cash advances for gambling on slots. Two more 600 dollar payments and that debt is gone. Do I think we are out of the woods? Never. I am grateful for everything I have. And grateful for how far we have come. I have a long way to go. I know that deep breathing and meditation for some might sound like a crock of S***e but, I know that anxiety and escalating stress levels are triggers for me. Hitting the pause button has saved me from a lot of grief. I too am a believer in doing what works. Anyway, This is my "off" week so need to get busy around here. Idle hands and all that..

Lunch with my son at the weekend, grandchildren on Monday and son in law yesterday evening helping on the boat and no desire to gamble . I do understand why Duncs gets so much pleasure from his family life however as I see mine so seldom I cannot live my life through them, just have to reinvent a new one as sitting here today craving the spinning wheels. Inspired by your entry Joan, deep breating, meditation in the sunshine,boat rocking gently in the breeze, pause button well and truly hit. xxx

Diary:

Ups, downs, bumps, curves... I read: "sanity is permanent, neurosis is temporary". I will go along with that. Changes are constant. Changes are inevitable. Change is unsettling. Do I feel safer with illusions of safety than I do with the reality that change is constantly afoot? Am I over thinking? What can I really hold onto if everything is and must constantly change? Scratching and clawing - holding on, or free falling? Today, I'm like Tom Petty....I'm free falling... The only thing I have any control over is me. Am I doing a good job? How do I grade my performance? How do I measure up? Does it come down to how many days? How many pounds? Just a ramble...

More thoughts:

I don't have to measure up. Life's not a competition. Even if it is; it's about my personal best. Moving forward. Getting a tiny bit better at being me than I was yesterday. Learning. Growing. Knowing better and doing better. Learning how to not become "attached" in the first place. Letting go wouldn't be so hard then.

Morning Diary:

The family is still sleeping so I will spend this time with you. I am sat in my rocker looking out of the window waiting for the sun to rise over the lake. I'm also very anxious this morning. P is leaving for the airport in Providence in a few hours. Extreme levels of anxiety are part of the aftermath of "things" I experienced a long time ago. I used to cringe whenever I heard folks say stuff like, " I don't have a horrific childhood to blame". I didnt have a horrific childhood either. I had a parent - my father, who was a weekend alcoholic. When he was drunk he was like a different person. In addiction he often times made very poor choices. He almost always chose personal pleasure over his family. I won't bother dredging up the details. I have had lengthy conversations over the years about all of this with a shrink, my partner, and my mom. These things are no longer festering secrets. The point is this kind of shi$t sticks with a person. Gory details fade. Scars remain. Anxiety. Inability to trust. Lack of self confidence. FEAR. I can identify with a volcano. On the stony surface may be nothing but a long since dormant vent. Underneath the surface the stone is molten and if the right amount of pressure builds BOOM! I used to paint images of volcanos and tornados. Gambling and over eating addictions are for me symptoms. I can manage the symptoms but they will always be there if I don't treat the underlying cancer. I believe in blocks. Anybody fighting cancer knows that they need to capture and manage the pain. For me that's how blocks work. Hell, I can tell myself that gambling was fun all I want but the truth is it stopped being fun when we racked up tens of thousands in debt and lost time we can never get back. I may have told myself that I turned to gambling for fun to blow off steam at first but what I have to realize is that there is more to this for me than a dormant vent on the surface. Oh that silly old thing.. Just a harmless vent. I have come to believe that this wound I have that goes to my very core may never heal. I might have to just learn to live with it. I do ok and then a day like today comes. A day when I start having panic about what ifs. When you step on a mine and explode and then live to tell the tale you're a changed person. Sometimes, I worry about stepping on exploding mines when they are not even there. I have come to learn that a lot of my stress is post trauma. What's the point of this ramble? I don't need to make a point. The sun is up. Another day is here. P is gonna get on that plane. I'm gonna do my best to not catastrophise. Sitting in a dream state in a cold sweat waiting for impending doom is just as bad as sitting in front of a slot machine. Gotta get out there and get busy living today.