Angel From Montgomery

You may well change when you step on an exploding mine but you can't go back & un-step on it so you learn to adapt, which is what you have done/are doing! Rather than a volcano, why not think if it like a bottle of pop...Realising it's been shaken is half the battle! You opening it slowly & releasing the pressure prevents the mass explosion if the top blows because it can't take anymore!

You may not have had a S****y childhood Joan, I didn't either even though Mum was a gambler & the c****n helping to drag me up was a drug abuser & alcoholic...Other people look @ stuff like this & want to cry, I knew no better & their tears are better shed elsewhere!

Que sera sera...Don't underestimate your strength! Whatever life throws @ you, you will deal with like you have up til now! Breathe deep & give the sun a smile from me when it appears...Take strength from that sunset that keeps getting up no matter what the rest of the Universe is doing!

Thanks for the support ODAAT. I kinda like the pop bottle analogy, but, I don't imagine a bottle cap. This vent is always opened and unfortunately even when a little layer of flesh or scab manages grows over it's still so thin and susceptible to reinjury. Anyway. I digress 🙂 I was thinking about that dream state I just mentioned. When I was a kid moving in and out of that state was pretty easy-- like second nature. When I grew into adulthood I realized that I needed alcohol and then gambling. Escaping. Hiding in my case was second nature when I was a kid. I don't need to hide now and I know this but, it's habit. Alcohol and slot machines are the means to this end. Manage the FEAR, remove the need to hide and arrest the addiction? I dunno, Today, I will try to remain awake one moment at a time.

I just wanted to come by and thank you for your post yesterday. It really meant a lot to me....I won't even try to explain why...but it did. I've often read your diary and felt a connection with what you're writing.I like the way you express yourself.My sense is that you know yourself pretty well. That you have the answers but that it's not always easy to put them into practice.

I hope you've been spending the day busy living. Thanks again. LB x

Thanks LB. Yes, the more time I put in the more I learn. Connecting the dots and committment is something I have not figured out yet. There is a part of me that doesn't feel worthy I guess. And, there's another part that's lazy. I'm not saying I'm lazy and worthless just pointing out tendencies, not full on character indictment. In addiction I can be weak and lazy. I've been grappling with this for a very looooong time. Yes, changes. Trying something new. Sounds fantastic. Procrastination -- now, there's another thing... Will more than likely be back later because P is away and I'm idling...

Something occurred to me recently that may or may not connect with you. Therapy opened my mind to the whys of my behaviour. It was really important to me to know why, so that I could make changes. My lightbulb today was that I've been trying to change too many things. Because just about every character fault or part of my personality can be traced back to my difficult childhood...feeling unloved and unloveable...so I've literally been trying to change everything. I've realised that I just need to prioritise. Make the changes to my thinking that are key to a better life (like the self talk in my head) and then accept the rest as just a part of who I am. I don't have to change everything. For example...I'm pushing 50. I've never been good with conflict because of the rows and fights I saw and heard as a girl. I keep trying to work through that but it's not getting better, so I'm going to let it go. Accept that it makes me uncomfortable, understand the reason why, and tell myself that's just part of me and that's ok. I don't have to change it. Being kind to me means acknowledging that I'm ok.

Sorry for the waffle. I hope it makes sense. Have a good one. LB x

No apologies necessary LB, and what you said makes lots of sense. I saw a psychiatrist years ago who once said to me that it was ok to be complicated. It was ok to have sh#t because we all do and it makes us, "us". What's key is not letting our sh#t have us. Reading that back am wondering now if that makes any sense but it did at the time...

Diary:

Off to a shaky start this morning. Bad dreams leading to some dark thoughts. Put on the news to check on the national weather because P is flying home today. News is of course all bad and just winds me up. Some retired Saint ( sports hero) got stabbed to death during an argument brought on by a fender bender..The weather is fine though so that's a good thing. Tired of bouncing from 0-60. I'm either numb or on fire. Nothing in between. I'd like to be at a nice 37 and on cruise control. Without the need for alcohol, food, and a gamble on the slots. Feelin groovy... It helps to ramble. Something to do while the thoughts like tides rise and fall. "just sittin at the dock of the bay"...

Got busy with the vacuuming and worked up a good sweat. Thoughts passed because that's what thoughts do. Attachment to thoughts could lead to ruminating and possibly wrong action. Can't control thoughts but do not have to act out. That's choice. That's power.

Morning Diary:

Read about Deano's slip and wanted to repost directly to him but, felt a ramble coming on and didn't want to hijack his thread. So, decided to put it all down in my own diary. Slips are hard and in my experience so far an inevitable part of growth. I know there is controversy around the subject but, only one woman's opinion here. A slip does not have to develop into a full on slide or relapse if one doesnt allow it to. Furthermore a slip does not and should not negate all of the hard work and effort one has already put into their recovery. I am not gutted for anyone who slips and comes right back here to talk about it. I salute that person for their honesty and determination. Lastly, I'm not one for counting days but understand that folks who do use it as a tool to chart their progress. Not my way but, I support anything that helps. Anyway, I've got a long day ahead of me. Back in to face the pony tailed tyrant. Lots of smiling and talking in soft higher pitched tones. Kindof like the way I coo at my love bird. Otherwise she thinks I'm being "difficult". Heavy sigh.... It's a job and it pays the bills for now. P is home and all is once again right with my universe. I don't know how long it has been since I last visited the casino. I just know that when I'm in control of my actions I feel better about myself. One thing I can never change is that I am completely powerless over the pull of gambling on slots. Once I start I can't stop, So, the right choice is don't start. -joan

Thanks Deano!

Diary:

Tough day with urges today. Put in 4 hard days and now am sat here trying to transition to relaxation mode without tapping and spinning. So stupid when you think about it. Also having trouble getting motivated with housework. I should be scrubbing out the hopper not sitting here dreaming about slots. Everybody knows there ain't no winning. Just another slot J****E stuck on stupid until all the money is gone. Blah blah blah.

Hi Joan, just wondering...was it a tough day and then the urges came or was it a tough day because of the urges? And it's not stupid. Slots actually gave me a highly effective way to switch off when I was having a tough day, and the tracts that they've created in my brain run deep, so it's easy for a tough day to turn to thoughts of spinning wheels. And maybe it's not so suprising that you're not jumping with joy at the thought of housework...does anybody ever feel motivated to scrub out a hopper? (whatever that means!!). Instead of slots or scrubbing to relax you, could you do something nice? I don't know what floats your boat...walking, time with P, cooking a delicious supper, abseiling off a mountain...but something that feels good and takes you out of your head. The hopper can wait, and the slots can take a hike...Have a good rest of your day. LB x

Thank You LB! Appreciate your support. I think it started out as urges and that's what made the day seem long. Evening is here and I am once again in control. We got a nice chicken take out for supper and Im gonna get to it! Yum! The slots can go f**k themselves. Lol!

Hey Joan

I will just say this

The other side to the coin is one with a greater outcome!

I hope you enjoyed the supper.

As for the house work, there's always tomorrow my dear friend.

Keep riding those urges back to where they belong and you will keep finfinding the right side of every coin, that's where none are wasted feeding a machine.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for dropping by Duncs!

Diary:

The slots demon monkey is crouching somewhere in the shadows today. We've got the kids coming for a sleep over. Before tackling the vacuuming and whatnot P and I will step out for a picnic breakfast at the lake. Nothing fancy. The sunshine reflecting off of the water at this time of day looks like millions of sparkling diamonds. Hitting the pause button together to just breathe and reflect before the whirlwind arrives. Food for the body, the mind, and the soul. All gambling has ever done for me is rob me of my money my time and my self respect. What's it gonna be; gambling or Saturday with my family? It's a no brainer today.

Sound's like a perfect gamble free day Judy , wishing you well and enjoy !!.

Best wishes ................Alan