Angel From Montgomery

More.. I may very well be an expert on addiction. Recovery? Not, so much. Or, maybe for me, "recovery", is that elusive butterfly. I cannot pin it down. Maybe it's the age old question: To be, or not to be? Life on Life's terms, or death?

Hi girl,

Digging digging digging..,i wish there were more answers to never ending questions.
I suppose acceptance of ourselves is the main drive in our behaviour. Lack of confidence, not feeling "ok" in our own skin..& just maybe expectations of ourselves? ..there are a lot of things to work on, a lot of answers to find also. However finding the answer usually means making an action to change what is bothering us. I guess it's possible to life on it's terms, we kind of do it daily but some bits we are not happy with, we tend to bring to the daylight and rummage over them...again and again.
Without addiction there wouldn't b a recovery. It's easy to master the first one huh..Recovery requires all the hard work...addiction is just not calculated act of self destruction. Picking up the pieces as a result of this act is a lot more than that.

We spoke about fear. Mainly fear of the unknown. Giving your body & soul to something you are not sure about. Fear of tommorow. This is part of life too..questions stems you want it or not. Just the answers are not easy to find. Sometimes they just show up & sometimes we need to dig deeper to find them.

I can relate to all of your posts. Sometimes i think i feel your fear and pain. Don't know why that is. Maybe cause i feel a lil lost in this world, or maybe cause I'm just fearing of way too many things i shouldn't fear in the first place. It's not a nice feeling, i know that much..

Animals has special gift in sensing us human beings. I think they are the most wonderful creatures in this world, way better than human race. We have animal instincts also, but they are usually the dark side of the coin.
When we are in the "action" we block everything out..& i mean everything. Nothing matters what so ever. It's not intentional, it's what addiction does. Selfishness becomes the priority & all the rest takes the second place.

Addiction is horrible, it kills us starting from the inside. Some recovers and some not fully. I personally think i damaged myself beyond repair with my addictions & just maybe that's where the fear comes bk in...not sure, i am on the same road of self discovery...still..

I guess i don't make much sense and it all sounds doom & gloom. It's not. We have a choice. Maybe suffer through some days but hoping/ knowing/ believing that they will pass.
...& they do...sooner or later

Keep that beating stick away, show yourself some kindness.
Stay safe for another day & keep breathing

S x

And.. Sometimes, questions are rhetorical, and thoughts are just thoughts, and diaries are just spaces for folks to write down words and emotions in their most rawest of forms without fear of judgement....

Poor diary. You are getting quite the work out today. When my mind is running like this my default button is to have a go on the slots. I can clean the house. Go food shopping. Tick off one box at a time. Sitting with my thoughts and writing on my diary is action enough. I'm not chasing losses and that is enough for this moment.

And that to me is what this diary is for. Too disappear internally, away from the b.s of addictions and download your thoughts.

I could be wrong ( I could be right - fav song ) but sometimes it appears you feel a need to validate the use of your diary. No need!

Good luck Joan, keep plodding on and give the eternal baby a good loving away from the b.s

Thanks, v.!

Diary:

Lost the plot on Friday. Navigated through Saturday but not before almost running aground. Today, was better. Resisted the urge to turn my frown upside down to appease others. Stayed with myself. Was able to pull P out of some quicksand. Now, sitting pretty in my easy chair. There's a light cool breeze blowing through the window. P is in the kitchen roasting a chicken. The world has not come to an end.

Diary:

Feeling much calmer and in control today. The leftovers of hurricane Hermine is pounding the cape. Just raw and misty here. I'm liking it because the outside is mirroring my inside. Not doom and gloom. More like .. witchy. I'm also really into and almost finished with a Stephen King novel. All in all a pretty good day so far. I know my road to recovery hasn't been a straight line. And, for me, that's ok.

diary:

Thanks to Volcano I can't get this d**n song out of my head...

"You may be right. I might be crazy. But, it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. Turn out the lights. Don't try to save me. I may be wrong but for all you know I may be right.. I may be wrong but I may be right... I may be wrong but I may be right.." Ha ha ohhhhhh kay then. 😀

And I know it's not the song he had in mind but, it's the one I thought of... And cannot unthink it..

Hai Joan,

Reading your post from last evening ( UK ) bought a smile upon my face, re - your reading material Stephen King! Personally , iv'e never been able to get past a first page, way too dark for me ( where does he get them from? ). Could you imagine him as a CG and a gamcare user? Now, they would be interesting posts!!

Billy pretty cool, but in my book not as cool as John Lydon.

I could be wrong, I could be right
I could be black, I could be white.

Anger is an Energy
Anger is an Energy

Embrace the witchy ok

Ha ha V definitely embracing the witchy.

Diary:

Started a new King novel today. I could never get through a novel of his either but not because it was too dark or just plain crazy. It was mainly because my mind wasn't quiet enough for me to read.. Anyway, he quoted these words. Where this proverb comes from isn't completely known but me thinks it may be mighty appropriate. I wanted to put it down as a reminder for me when I'm feeling uppity..

"when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear"

Yup. Not the other way around. Anyway, I'm loving my new found quiet brain so I'm gonna get back to living.

https://youtu.be/pMQPNMPW4ws

Hazarding a guess - Kung Fu and Keith Caradine, he possibly took that proverb from some where else.

I use to as a kid think I was a related to Bruce Lee, my surname rhymes with it and the imagination went wild as I imagined my self kicking S****e out of all that was bad.

Yep, you've got, im talking S****e

Lol! V. Thanks for the clip. I haven't thought about Kung Fu in years.. Caine. Now, there was a guy who knew how to keep his cool under pressure. No matter what degree of bs that was thrown his way. However, as I recall, he wasn't afraid to plant a foot up the a*s of any clown who desparately needed it either! BONG...

i have enjoyed reading your diary , i wont pretend I have read all of it but gave me food for thought

Diary:

We are all attached to something or someone.. What meaning we attach to whatever we are attached to seems to raise the level of consequence. A matter of high importance then seems to vary from person to person. Some people are attached to money. Some like me, are attached to people. Some are attached to an old wound, their perceived status, an object, or a pet. Loss is loss. Loss hurts. Hurt has to be moved through. Can't get around it. Can't will someone through it. Can't beat someone through it. They need to move through it. Sometimes I get stuck. Getting unstuck is a challenge for the person who is stuck. It may be frustrating to watch. Feel your frustration and move on... We are all responsible for our own attachments. Not somebody else's. When somebody else is stuck feel compassion then let it go.