Angel From Montgomery

judy wrote:

Like a monkey I can sit and press the button all day long and bathe my brain in dopamine. That's until the money runs out. Thank God then, that the money runs out. What kind of life is sitting like a strung out robotic monkey in front of a spinning screen??

I hope you don't mind me being intrusive and popping a little comment on your diary, but I read this, and it paints me in my gambling mode perfectly. No thoughts of the outside world, no thoughts of the petty little things like consequences of losing all my money...

Anyway, hope you have a good gamble-free weekend.

Ryan

Stop by any time Ryan.

Diary:

Did I lose my divinity? Do I think it's under one of those rocks? Not really. It's more like I forget my divinity. Sometimes I treat myself like some mean spirited people treat their dogs. Beaten to a pulp and then locked up in a filthy crate. Bad dog! Or maybe I treat myself like some well meaning helicopter mom who over indulges her child until they turn into a sloth or a entitled demanding glutton or both. The point? I dunno I'm just spit balling here. I have the ability to oversee my own self care. I just realized that I do a substandard job taking care of myself. I am much better at taking care of others. On any given day; I am both the doctor and the patient. The cop and the robber. The prisoner and the warden. All rolled up in one. Learning to stand and walk upright on two legs was challenging. Learning to walk on a high wire takes tremendous skill and concentration. It also must take a lot of patience. Falling down must happen a lot... Treat yourself with compassion and compassion for others comes a lot easier..

Hi Joan
I suppose acknowledging our problems is one thing. Living the solution to them? Now theres the tricky bit!

Hey girl,

Just wanted to come by & thank you for the lovely converse the other week ☺..
Sometimes being with the company can feel the loneliest time ever..such thing happened to me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and letting me share the happy moments of my holiday ☺

V much appreciated. Much love & hugs!

Keep staying safe & be kind to yourself

S x

Diary:

Crying for no apparent reason. My body is paining in places because even when I refuse to remember - it remembers for me. Just let it go. I know. It's so simple isn't it? I just want to be someone else. Somewhere else. I know this will pass. I just hate how this feels. I sometimes think about that scene from the movie "Alive". There's a middle aged woman who's body is broken, mangled, and trapped in the wreckage. She is in agonizing pain. All she can do is cry and moan. Some of the younger and stronger survivors don't want to hear her crying and they wind up hollaring at her. They don't know what to do for her and she doesn't know how else to manage her pain. I have stood in both places.

Diary:

Feeling wobbly but much better. I have danced with one form of addiction or another all of my life. What all of this has taught me thus far, is that I am a survivor. I think a nice cup of joe is in order.. Whew!

Diary:

It's strange how additions, (compulsive behavior, habits) change shapes. Like water, it seeps through the c r a c k s and seeks out the path of least resistance. It finds a way. As "baffling and cunning" as the addict herself. But, look at me ma, no gambling! "Like" "smiley face" "thumbs up" "friend me". I suppose it's something. I have money. I have time. I have access. But, I can't because I can't stop. It would be better to say that.. to believe that..to know that..I just don't want to gamble today. But, that would be a lie. Still wobbly. Still distracted. Not the best day for tightrope walking blindfolded. Will settle for baby steps. With both eyes wide opened.

More:

Wading in the brook of life again. Pushing against the current. Overturning the slimy rocks . One at a time. Looking for and discovering the beauty in what is ugly. In what is not considered conventionally beautiful.

Joan,

reading your diary and it is so wonderfully raw. I love how you share your emotions. You are a survivor. Thank you for sharing.

sending hugs,

C

Thanks for your kind words C.

Diary:

About 10 minutes after I logged in to check in gamble free on the challenge, P and I did a 180 and made a bee line to the casino. We burned through every cent of available extra cash we had. I was in a Fukitol mood all day. No excuses. The choice was made and the deed was done. It has been very tempting to go back today to chase losses. I know the futility of that and am coming out of the fog. I needed to get it out so I could move forward. Not gutted. Not numb. Disappointed in myself. Gambling on slots is still something I allow in my life. There's the obvious financial loss but, weakness and stupidity for having a card on us - and I'm thinking now it was purposeful. I purposefully set myself up. d**n!

I'm sorry Joan 🙁

Hi Sis,

I am not sure what to say...just hope you coming bk on here gave you some breathing space and time to collect yourself.. i just know you are very strong soul, you can do anything you set your mind & heart to.
Battle is ongoing, never ever give up on giving up.

Hey..lift that head up, brush away the tears, hide the beating stick & draw that strength from within! It's there, you know it..

Be kind to yourself, just for today.

I'm not here to instruct what to do, i just want you to better your life & you can do it without turning to the crutches of addiction.

You know where i am...unconditionally.

S x

So sorry to read that Joan, I can completely understand that feeling, the need to purge, that Fukitol feeling as you say. It's like some sort of release.

It's happened, it's done, it's gone, going forward it's the urge to recover losses that needs fighting. Stay strong

Good luck girl, we all know it's not an easy battle. x

Thank you, amom, Sandra, and Firststep for your kind words of understanding, support, and encouragement...

Diary:

Yeah... I got carried away by the Fukitol mindset once again. I learned a few thousand miles back that the self beatings for falling down do absolutely nothing. The self beating would only be pouring gas on the fire. The only way to put out a fire is to deprive it of fuel and air. My fire unfortunately, never seems to go out completely. There always seems to be a smoldering ember about. " just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well that's alright cause I like the way it hurts"

Something like that, anyway... Somewhere there is a part of me that hurts me for the pure pleasure. That's pretty crazy s**t. Addiction is pretty crazy. Talking it out with myself like this is more soothing. More calming. The urge will be with me all day today. That's how it works..

And.. It was.. The urge that is. It dogged me and P for the entire day. That's the real loss. The obsession with it. The addiction takes over and the flavor and texture of "real" living is lost. The monetary loss is real but, it's nothing compared to the loss of time. The loss of self. My dog visits me every evening right after dinner. She sits beside me and waits patiently for my affection. I usually grab her scruff and tell her she's a good baby in my best "you're a good baby voice" that only she can appreciate. Anyway, there she sat as usual. I don't know how long she had been sitting there but, it was a very long time. My mind had been elsewhere... When I finally opened my eyes my heart broke open. This is the s**t that happens to us and everyone around us when we are gripped by an addiction. Neglect. While we are off somewhere dreaming with our eyes open, life goes on without us.