Angel From Montgomery

Thank you, all! I appreciate the support and encouragement. xx

Well, Diary,

Coming off a very full weekend and today, sitting with some challenging feelings. I struggle with my neice's mom. My own mom. Donald Trump. 😀 Back in the day I would have been drunk for most of the weekend. I was tempted to run to the casino on Saturday night. Instead I remained sober as a judge on both counts. I didn't run away. I stayed. Bottom line: I can't fix my neice's mom or my own mom...

I can't drink away or gamble away the mixed feelings of anger, which is probably a mask for hurt feelings, and sadness. I hurt for my neice who is too young to understand the complex nature of her mom's emotional problems. The breakdown of the marriage between her mom and her dad. I hurt for myself because it reminds me of my own past.It's hell as an adult being in the middle of this mess. I can't imagine what it must be like for a child. Yet, I do because I have been there myself. My neice is her daddy's girl and her mom may not realize it but, she punishes her ( the child ) for it. For example she was teasing the kid relentlessly at the zoo and I felt completely powerless to do anything about it. She did the very thing that my own father used to do. Pick til I broke then said "I love you". "Don't you love me?" Classic narcissistic behavior. Complicated and distructive. These personality types are cunning, and stealthy. They know just how far enough to push while flying safely under the radar. Always blameless. All I can do is breathe. I feel with every cell of my being:

FEAR.

If I just sit here and feel the fear it won't fester into anger and then into rage.

Implosion.

Then relief sought out in the form of food, or alcohol or a slot machine.

Then guilt.

Then shame.

Then repeat.

That's the cycle for me. I'm working on breaking the cycle.

Would not breaking the cycle be to confront your sister/sister in laws(not sure which) behaviour towards your niece? Or is confrontation part of the bigger picture too? We are all products of our environment. We can stand & observe & let it repeat or we can seize the opportunity to smash the cycle apart.
I know these things are easier written than carried out. But who or what are we waiting for to make the changes. The power for change is right there Joan, ready for you to use it.

As an addict i always believed there would be time to change things, people, circumstance. What i have discovered in recovery is that time is finite. Sometimes we leave it too late.

Dont leave it too late Joan x

Hi Dan. I appreciate the post and definitely hear you. My neice is not my neice by blood. We are not related at all. I have known her mother for years. Her family lives in another country. Her childhood and her emotional problems are complicated and hard to capture in a sentence or two. I have tried over the years to confront her. She is blameless. Everyone else is crazy. I don't use the term narcissistic lightly when describing her personality. I have learned that confrontation can actually make things worse. The first time I took a whack at it was in the hospital when my neice was first diagnosed. She was being her usual prickly self. I was ticked off at her and frustrated. In tears I laid my heart on the table. All she did was smile. The cycle I was referring to in my post was my cycle of self abuse. I can't change my friend. I can tell her she's mean. I can tell her to back off. I can console my neice. What happens is later when I'm alone old ghosts come back to haunt me. I am just learning how to recognize the feelings and emotions that lead me to self destructive behaviors. Not sure if I'm making any sense here... The point is after 6 hours of taking her P**s and pushing back, I wanted to gamble. I was physically and emotionally drained and with my last ounce of energy I heard myself say let's go. I'm just realizing what's behind these urges. I must frustrate the hell out of folks like you who are further along the path.. 🙁

Joan you dont frustrate me at all. What i see is someone with enormous potential to make the world a better place in as much as any of us can on a personal level. I understood its you youre mad at more than your nieces mother for letting your fathers c rap still make you question everything you think you know today. What im trying clumsily to say, is, your ok, your enough, the ghosts of our past, whether real or imagined only have the power we grant them x

Yup. Exactly. Thanks Dan! xx

Diary:

My partner goes for cancer screenings tomorrow. She has a strong family history so... And, of coarse I'm freaking out. Not outwardly. No. Must soldier on. Go to work and even manage to get there early. i think stuffing strong emotions is one of the ways I rationalize going to a casino. I deserve a go at the slots after all that worry. Or, my worst fears have come true so might as well splurge. Only we all know how that ends up. It comes down to the old serenity prayer. I can't fix everything. I can't know the future. I can choose to worry, or to stay present. Anticipation.. Worry.. Or, breathe. I'm a little calmer already.

Hi Judy just dropping by to say Hi. Hope all goes well with the screenings tomorrow. Stay strong whatever the outcome and as you said remember the serenity prayer, it applies to more than just addiction.

All the best

My therapist once challenged me when I was going through my "what if" thinking. "What if the plane crashes" "what if the results are bad" "what if it all goes wrong". She simply said "what if it doesn't?". Ask that question and see it through to the end. As an example, "what if the plane doesn't crash?" "Well, we'll get there safely and have a good holiday" A very simple technique but it takes the steam out of the anxiety.

You know that worrying won't help. It's good that you recognise what you're doing. You're strong enough to cope with whatever tomorrow's screening brings. xx

Sis!

Thoughts are well & truly with you both today...deep breaths and stay calm.
Everything will be ok - stay strong!

S x

Thanks all. Again, I appreciate your thoughts and support.

So, then diary..

Tests are done. ALOT of confusing information about genetic testing going forward. Will be waiting for results. I'm not gonna lie. I really feel like running to the casino. It's my default setting. Go, and forget. Just fuckital... I won't go. I know it's not right. That it won't help. Will in fact add insult to injury. Its in my mind and I just wanted to get it out. To say it.

Diary:

Feeling calmer. Chilly night ahead. Plan: hot tea. Electric blankets and a good book. Happy to be home. Happy to be warm. Happy to have eachother.

Diary:

My goal today is to maintain calmness. To keep the altimeter on my control panel at even. No dramatic dips. No dramatic climbs. No loop de loops. No nose dives. Nice and steady. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. cruising speed. To manage the dips I will try not to spend too much time on thoughts about the past (recent past included). To manage the urge to climb or hotdog I will avoid judging still moments as boredom. I don't need to be doing something every minute of the day. If I need high drama and excitement regardless of the level of risk then I'm headed for a crash and burn. Pushing forward means not running away from difficult situations and challenging personalities. I can do this. All of this meditation on "flight" today reminds me of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Maybe its time to read that again..

Diary:

I wish I could say I woke up feeling refreshed and all skippity doo dah this morning but , that would be pure b.s. The weekend was full. The best part was going to an apple orchard with Patrice on Sunday. The foliage at this time of year is spectacular. Once the leaves reach their peak color they begin to fall in showers of fiery golds, oranges and reds. Saturday night mom and I took a moment to gaze at the full Hunter's moon. It was a supermoon. In between there were the count less daily petty aggrevations that come and go with living every day. The not so good moments were me trying not to get tangled up in my mother's shifting moods. She's like a weathervane when a tornado is coming. Her moods shift eradically and I have been tuned into them since I was a child. There were a couple of moments when I felt the heavy wet blanket descending and the voice inside of me saying something wicked this way comes! Her dark moods are thick and heavy. I caught myself thinking about running and hiding. About going to the casino and gambling. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that I would prefer numbness over feelings of groundlessness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of loss. Fear of anger, rage, and resentment. Fear of pain and sorrow. These were her feelings of course, and I have learned to pick them up like signals and play them like a radio! It's no wonder to me anymore why I find it difficult some days knowing how I feel with the constant incoming from upstairs. It's no longer a mystery to me why I am once again tangled up with these little girls - my neice's who are not my blood relatives. They too are living with their own version of Mommie Dearest. My little momster is 82 years old now. She is frail and harmless. This sh ee it that happens is a phenomen from out of the past. I am no child. I don't have to play her sad songs. I suppose it's a blessing in disguise having her here with us at this time. There is something to learn each and every day. Her feelings are not my feelings. I'm full, whole, and can have, appreciate, and accept my own feelings. Growing up around my mom felt like getting tangled up in the worlds biggest ball of twine. I'm finding my way out and having her here is actually helping me. I don't have to get tangled up in other people's feelings, emotions, or dramas.. I can be both strong and sensitive.

And, when all is said and done the mothership sits quietly in her rocking chair reading her news paper as if the events of yesterday never happened. I didn't overreact to her reactions. I didn't run away to a casino. I learned that her feelings and reactions are separate from mine. I don't need to react to another person's reactions. There is a huge difference between knowing something intellectually and being able to actually walk the walk.. This was a huge piece of the puzzle for me.

Diary:

I hate waiting for test results. The perfect excuse to run off to the casino. Patrice and I made a pact. We would have a nice supper. Tea and fudge for dessert and a creepy movie on Hulu. We just won 400 bucks by not going.. Sweet!