Angel From Montgomery

Good Morning diary,

It was great to open up the diaries and to see a post from my old friend Cameron. I was sorry to hear about his dear brother in law and of course his thoughts about why we have to get hit over the head with a brick before we realize it is time to start living a quality life again. I dunno.. but, I get it. The same thing just happened to me. The thought of my brother's last days and the way he died will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Noone dies of "natural causes" at the age of 54. He gave up on himself and on life. I have to live on now for the both of us. I vow to not merely exist. I am gonna live each day to the fullest and ya know what.. there might just be a slip or two along the way.. I'm not a perfect person. I said it in one of my very first posts; I'm gonna carry it on with the help of my higher power be it a church, the dark liquid pools of my puppy dogs eyes, the smile of a child, or the buddha in the gd wall paper! I'm gonna keep writing and keep posting and GC diarists are gonna come and they are gonna go and God willing -regardless, Life will go on and I will be part of it. Well, that was an interesting rant.. lol.. This one is for all the addicts out there recovering and those still looking for the light. We deserve to love and be loved regardless. Now, I have to go out and figure out how to move a foot or so of snow off of the base of my driveway. I did ask for snow didnt I. LOL! 😀 -joanxxx

Joan

thanks for the post it means a great deal.

A fella, an Irish chef i worked alongside for a few years used to say each day.

"treat each day as if its your last, one day you'll be right"

Apt.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs, it's always nice to see a post from you when I open up my diary...

Dear Diary:

I guess to ignore the giant purple polka -dotted elephant in the room would be one option. ahem.. I'm thinking that Shiny has been wanting to leave this forum for some time now, and I think it is important for folks, and I am including myself here, to let her go.. I am thinking that Flagg and Charlotte had a miscommunication which happens alot on email. I am not a fan of chat rooms. And, that is all I will say about that. For me serenity is rising above the fray. It is finding that separate peace regardless of the swirling kaos that can surround me at times. In that space I find that I can can breathe again, and make sense of the world and avoid the temptation to join in the fray. There is enough discontent in the world. For me, I don't care who you are -- the common denominator is gambling addiction/compulsive gambling and a desire to STOP GAMBLING.

I come from a family of addicts. The holidays -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years has always been a time of great tribulation. The addicts in my family including myself really struggled during the holidays. There was always drama fueled by lots and lots of free flowing bourbon. Someone shouting, someone crying, someone walking away feeling hurt, or like sh it for acting sloppy or stupid or careless or rotten. I could go on for days describing the burnt dinners, shouting matches, and blah, blah, blah.. this year my brother laid his hammer down and without a sound was gone... I wake up in the middle of the night now at the same time every night asking why? I could spend the rest of the morning trying to figure out that one -- and you know what?? I will never know the whole truth. What do I actually know this morning? I am a recovering alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and over- eater. I am not a perfect person but, I am doing every thing that I know how to do in order to stop behaving in self destructive ways. For every person there is a path. Anyone who tries to sell me their "way" is speaking to deaf ears. I am not buying. Noone on this earth is my higher power. Life is a gift. Today is the ONLY day that I have and I am going to live it in the light. They call it amazing grace. Laugh if you want. But, grace is the the prize at the end of the struggle. What do I get for not destroying myself today? Grace. Grace makes me stronger and my burdens actually get lighter. Anyway, that's me today. I don't care if you are brand new to this forum, if you have been around for years, if you are not exactly who you say you are.. I dont care really. What I care about is getting better. So,get better. Stay strong. Say no to self destructive behavior. Hang on because it does get better. Happy Happy New Year to all of us!!! I am looking forward to 2013!!!!! -joanxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Excellent post from you......Not much else I can add.

Happy new year to you and your family.

Love Sue xxxxxx

Dear Diary,

I am looking to change the title of my thread from Day 1. A couple of days ago I really felt as though I had turned a corner and wanted to celebrate by changing my thread title. Let's see if it happened...

Well, I guess not.. anyone knows how to change the thread title I would surely appreciate a little help. I am obviously a little cyber challenged here..lol..

log in

go to the first post on your thread

click 'edit'

the title is at the top - you can change it here.

congratulations on your continuing recovery!

Thanks Milkman!! I appreciate it!! New thread title installed!!

Hi Diary,

Sticking close to the forum tonight. I feel okay. Had some chinese take out and now chillin in front of the tv. I've got a feeling that everything is gonna be okay. Cheers everybody.. holding up a jelly jar glass filled with ice cold Dr. Pepper. LOL!! -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur kind words on my diary. It means a lot xx

I really like the diary name change, u r doing brilliant and ur strength shines thru... Ed would be proud of u 🙂

Happy new yr Joan!

Stay strong xx

Thanks Charlotte!!

Hi Diary:

I don't know how many days it has been since I last gambled and I have stopped marking time with pink crosses.. I am making headway and am going with the momentum. Any thoughts about gambling? To be honest yes, one or two last night but, that is all they were. Thoughts. I have many thoughts good and bad. Thoughts are thoughts not actions. For me, it is, and will always be about making choices. That is life as an adult. We choose every single minute how we are going to act. Triggers happen for everyone addicts and non adddicts alike. Here's an example; I'm driving along in my car and someone behind me is flashing their headlights and screaming out of the car window calling me a fat b****. I guess my gut reaction would be to flip them the bird -- yell obscenities back at them... But, what if instead I CHOSE not to take the bait. I take a very deep breath and just drrrrrrive.... just pointing out that triggers are everywhere. It is up to me to figure out what presses my buttons and to learn strategies for how to cope. Well, another interesting rant by Judy this morning... Bottom line: Triggers will come and go today. How I act on them, whether or not I take the bait is entirely up to me. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and, the wisdom to know the difference." There is soooo much substance in that prayer. Meditate on it. It is really good medicine. Or, don't it is entirely up to you... -joanxxxxxx

So, I just did some on-line banking and just having more cash than I need is a trigger for me. The thought entered my mind. I'm not going to waste this money on something as stupid as gambling. P and I want to join a gym this winter. I have decided that this is where this extra cash is going. Choice made-- action taken. Other thoughts occurred to me. If I don't want to be fat or fear suffering the consequences of being fat I need to do something about it. If I don't like myself when I am gambling or am disgusted by the distruction I have brought to my life by doing it then i need to do something about it. Easier said then done? Umm yeah... but, it is entirely up to me. Noone else. Me. The "courage to change the things I can". Can I bring Ed back to this world? Can I send him a text? No. "The serenity to accept the things I cannot change." Ed is gone but, I am still here. If I want to make the changes I can. No magic. No buddhas on the road. Just my choices and my actions. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. And, perhaps some days one minute at a time. But, I am alive. I am here. I have time. Gratitude, humility, serenity... -joan

Hi Diary:

I'm sitting at my desk reading and typing. The sun is just now setting on Day 1 of 2013. P has a turkey roasting in the oven and the aroma is wafting through our little house. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet right now. This is life when I am not in addiction. -joan

Thanks Ade!

Dear Diary:

I'm up with the chickens again this morning.. I have been getting up in the middle of the night now since Ed died. Not sure what it's all about. Maybe I'm just trying to wrap my heart, my mind, and my soul around his loss. I wonder if he was in any pain and then I wish that I could have been there to put a cold cloth on his brow or maybe hold his hand.. I'm reading diaries and seeing bits and pieces of myself in all of them. Will make a cup of coffee and come back on in a bit. Maybe will listen to some music or better yet the sound of P breathing. Not sad really, just sitting in the dark with nothing but the glow of my pc listening to the sounds of silence like in the song... -joan

Hi Joan,

Thanks for helping me Joan, thanks for writing so openly and eloquently, thanks for being you, you are special just the way you are. This is for you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgbBLKet14E