Angel From Montgomery

..........(((((((( Joan ))))))))))......xx

Girl, it's alright,you a human being and you deserve all the rights to make mistakes..No fault in there..We all seem to look for one way or another. I learned great deal from your words and honesty, i will never forget you as a soul and if you feel like removing your diary it is your choice. I just don't want to lose strong fighter in this battle. f*** it, as you say all we need to do is TRY. That's enough..really enough..gamble or not, we try to stop the cycle. falling down, getting up...we are compulsive...at least we admit!!!

You are such a big inspiration to me and to many others.

I am just a lost soul as you are, and i believe this site helps you as well. You are not on your own and you will never be judged. I have no words..to be honest...but it's just me...feel worthless as always...but keep trying to say right things...pissy pants lol..

look after yourself girl xx

....oh yea.....Don't leave....please.....;-)

I care big deal about you and wish you all the best whatever you decide..

S x

((((Sandra))))) Yes maybe a job at GC... lol..

I think that I have bottled up too many feelings over the past several months.... The P****** contests over who can hold out the longest. The feeling that I need to state the Act of Contrition every time I screw up. The counting days as if life were a prison sentence. I have tried all of that and it does not work for ME. I too have gotten close to others on this site. When folks say take what you need and leave the rest to that I have to say.. BAH! My skin is not made of iron. My armor is and sometimes I take it off... None of this is rocket science. Maybe taboo to speak of ?.. I never gave a rats about taboo... I just wanted to be able to speak out loud my thoughts whether they made sense or not. Gambling is one of my life's more baffling riddles and I am trying to work it out. Am I angry today? Yes. I am angry at myself for not getting with The Program. For not being a good girl. For not acing the test. For not maintaining that A average. Do I, would I EVER blame another living soul for MY shortcomings? NEVER! Even those who have perpetrated upon me in my past are not responsible for the mistakes I make today. So, am I ranting today? Yes. Does this have anything to do with any one person? YES. And that person would be ME.

Diary: Right. So, armor back on. Game face back on. Lesson learned: When P and I abstained from going to the casino for 15 weeks the desire to go became considerably lessoned and we had ALOT more money. We were really quite proud of our accomplishment. We fell after that 15 weeks and when we went back it was sort of like going back to someone we once broke up with.. Knowing in the back of our minds that we really DID NOT BELONG with this person, we allowed ourselves to trust again -- thinking that somehow it would be different this time. We have been living in a fool's paradise ever since that fall... I read the diaries almost daily and it has been firmly established that there are those who embrace 12 step programs and those who do not. Personally I got a lot out of AA. We have not yet tried a GA meeting out here. I say "out here" because they are far and few due to Massachusetts just now legalizing gambling. I am sure that there will be tons of supports as the state develops it's gaming industry. Sad, but, true. I digress.. When we went back after 15 weeks of abstinence... And, we went back because WE ARE ADDICTS ( not an excuse -- just an effing fact) We had somehow forgotten all about the pain and suffering that comes along with it. The agitation, the constant worry about finances, the loss of time. The loss of self. This f***k ing site gets on my nerves and yet I see it still as a life line. I struggle with going along with a crowd vs. being accepted. Why oh why did he choose not to write on my diary today???? why? why? Lol.. I am saying what many are thinking.... Bottom line. I can't afford to gamble on slot machines. I get stuck on stupid and cannot stop. Then, the problem becomes progressively worse. I cannot afford to leave my diary in spite of how aggravated I get at times. So, read my diary don't read my diary. Agree with me or don't. I cannot afford to give a sh it. This is my life and it is worth saving.. I cannot commit to writing on lots of diaries because believe it or not in the third I am a shy person. I don't always think that my words are readily accepted. I am naturally hesitant. So, I guess this is me starting all over again without apology and without a change of identity or number.... -joanxxx

http://fukitol.com/

..and another thing.....I think you are fantastic

((((J)))) xxxx

Well all I can say to that is 'Hooray' after reading your last few posts and have ordered a zillion tabs, should keep me going for a few days.

Mention of armour always reminds me of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…=share&list=RDzKhEw7nD9C4

xxx

Love the determination xx My little fighter!! Keep it up..anyway suitable for you girl ( just keep posting of course )

GC it is then lol 🙂

S x

Likewise as DF ...Sign me up for a lifetimes supply Joan ..lol ...In fact let's get the intravenous drip affixed....heh heh heh xxx

Thanks gals. I do appreciate the support! And, a round of Fukitol drip on me!

Diary: And... I guess that is why I wish there was such a drug. I read in Carla's post that she wished she did not give a flying f and that is how I feel some days. I guess Rach's post about not hyper focusing or letting go is the same idea. Just "being" for a change. I am the same person at home as I am at work as I am pretty much on here. Tidy and controlled. Focused and high achieving. If I don't get the "A" or don't somehow maintain the "A" I get really down on myself. I work with people some I should say who honestly could care less. There are days when I say out loud I wish I did not care. That is why I reached for the Fukitol. Gambling on a slot machine was my "fukitol" of choice but now, I have to tell myself that that dog won't hunt either. I don't have to destroy my life and all of the lives around me to figure that out. I have seen and continue to see the writing on the wall. I just get so filled up with the bul l sh it and then just put the blinders on and say "fukitol". Oh how I wish there were such a drug. Lol. Anyway, out of fantasy land and back to reality. The things that I am grateful for are on some days the very things that drive me nuts. I guess, it is because I care. So, where is the balance? It comes down to that same old same old perfectionist B.S. that I have been struggling with my entire life. The wisdom to know the difference. Try not to worry about every d**n thing and every d**n one on the planet. That's how I wind up bouncing between extremes. A new life crisis stage: hyper vigilant vs. fukitol. I have been stuck in that stage for what seems like forever... joanxxx

Hello little sis 🙂

I like that Fukitol stuff you share freely lol..

Very true post i have to say..nearly like me typing all of it...i see caring as self inflicting pain sometimes. Care about big or little things...everything around you..

But more less i see it as a gift too. To try your best, to offer help, comfort..to care about somebody who doesn't care about you....And that can be tricky ey? But i'm afraid it's in human's system...you have to be shown care at some stage to develop the feeling..

d**n girl...sorry..i'm well away with the subject lol ( in other words Sandra is a bit too tired and decide to touch the subject she has no facts about lol)

Not gonna b******t you about not gambling..we both know the true and what it's doing to us... what about a round of Fukitol ha ha....that will defo work the magic !!!

(((( Joan ))))

Look after yourself and be kind to the most important person NO 1 !!!

S x

Joan

My dear friend it's been too long since I posted upon your thread, don't know why really, guess I wanted to think that everything was well in your world and if I did not open the box I could live with it that way.

For that is my problem in life I hid from the pain that life causes, it's hard sometimes to not want to try and fix everyones problems, kind of deflects from your own problems that way.

today I know that is not the answer my dear friend and I just wanted to say I too lived your last post, I feel your pain and I understand how gambling is for our twisted mind the 'relief'

Keep putting the trash out Joan it will help.

Progress not perfection my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Sandra and Duncs!

Diary: And.... I am dragging myself off to an ultrasound this morning. Hateful hateful hateful... and why? Because I cannot have a single drop of coffee. How is that even possible? Lol. Duncs I read your post this morning and would raise my cup of joe but, I can't. Blasted NPO! Oh well, I am in a dream state. Thankfully P will be doing the driving. Then it is off to the ENT after that.. hateful hateful hateful.. lol. Not really. Just wanting to take all of this P****** and moaning out on my diary this morning instead of poor P. Hopefully I will be back reading and doing a little more writing. For now, no thoughts about gambling. Just longings for a nice hot cup of joe..... mmmmm... -joanxxxx

........(((((((((((((((((((( Joan ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thoughts with you...tk it easy darling...

Be kind to yourself

S x

No coffee? Yeah that would be a killer for me too. LOL live on the stuff myself and flows through my veins even more than The beer. LOL hope the test turned out ok for ya.

Thinking of you and hoping all is well.

xxx