Angel From Montgomery

Hi Judy... and well done for not gambling! 🙂

I am the same when I do go to the machines, its when ive entered victim mode, its when ive given up, switched off and tuned out of life. Its when I've start to lose hope that my life can improve, that's when gambling becomes an option. Just for today I choose life. Just for today I chose not to gamble.

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks Sandra and S.A

Diary: Back to work tomorrow after a very looooong Christmas break. I am feeling dread of course. Like the first day of school or something. Lol. Oh well. Gotta go back sometime. And, to be honest, it's getting a little slow around here. I need the work leisure balance or I go a little nuts. So far so good. No gam bo lin not even thinking about it. That's it for me. -joanxxxx

Hey sis 🙂

You was on break until tomorrow?? It's not fair...lol...I was bk at work on 1st of Jan 🙁

First day at school can be tough but exciting too :-)))

Hope ice and snow stopping over the pond and you can get ur toe outside tomorrow lol...me losing marbles here....still :-))

Hugs darling

Be proud and keep on keeping on!!!!

((((( Joan )))))

S xxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghj5V5cUo1s

Hi Diary: Edited my own post this morning. Lol. No gambling blah blah blahbity blah... -joanxxx

Oh Joan if you knew how many times I have logged on here and just wanted to write blah, blah, blah, fuckety blah.

Having said that do hope you are ok. Has been a scary week but getting my head round it not being the end of the world if I do lose my home as I have friends, family and people who care.

Our news is saying the snow is melting over there so just hoping that is not going to cause floods for you guys as well and that your old faithful boiler is still jogging along.

If nothing else Joan my hippie values mean I am a survivor and when life throws s**t at you, you just have to throw it back - be it a water bomb or a frozen poo pigeon.

Hiding in my son's spare bedroom (have smuggled in some contraband biscuits) and waving out the window.

xxx

Lol Dragonfly I wish we were neighbors... We would probably wind up in jail for disturbing the peace but, what fun we would have. I just love your hippie values! Yes, it is still just a blah blah fuckety blah sort of day. Which is ridiculous. It is not just us gamblers or us g*****s, tramps and thieves that suffer from this blah blah fuckety blah. I have a friend who has no vices at all. But, she expects P and I to go over to her place every single Saturday. And, when we say no she gets all ticked off at us. I believe that P and I are her "substance" dujour. We all have to face life's ups and downs without using something or somebody. It just is what it fooooooking is! And the nerve of me when there are others out there suffering. I pretty much make myself sick some days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLTETaWswCY

Joan

Another post which made me smile and laugh, I actually had to wipe the screen of my library PC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joan you have to do what is right for you, yesterday I wrote about the one act of selfishness I will allow myself

Recovery.

You are so truthfull in what you write, for it I thank you, it is like a breathe of fresh air.

I think I may have the same liver type problem as your good self, time to review my diet, lifestyle to befit the fact I actually do give a sh##it!!!

Another gift of recovery

The gift that keeps giving

duncs stepping forward never back.

I hope that weather is being kind, I have been worried about our dear friend DF's houseboat all week!!

Duncs... lol! 🙂 ...

Diary: I was thinking this morning that when I leave this earth I will take nothing with me. Everything is already lost because I never had it in the first place... That does not make me sad. On the contrary it takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. I was born a winner because within every minute, every hour of everyday there is always "something". How is it that I can wake up some mornings and feel this content? It is not an accident. It was not by chance or RANDOM. It is science: When I don't gamble I feel better PERIOD. How so? Well, when I am gambling on slots I feel: a scarcity of time, a scarcity of money. I feel tired and drained. I experience sleepless nights. I feel worry and dread over loss and scarcity. I feel guilt and shame because I feel like a loser. I always leave a casino feeling like a loser even when I win because I can never stop. When it comes to the slot machines I am obsessed and compulsive. I won't stop until all of the time and money is gone. Getting trapped in an obsessive compulsive spiral is not a day at the spa. It feels like being in hell or what I imagine hell for me to be like. Now, when I do not gamble on slots I feel the opposite: I feel like I have an abundance of time, energy, money. I feel hopeful and dare I say happy with what I have because having is just an illusion anyway. It is fleeting. Spending all of my time on trying to "get" is a complete waste of that time and my energy. Why if I was born a winner do I choose to live like a loser? I do not have to. It is within my power to change. Am I blahbity blah blah ing this morning? Why yes. But, I feel like the fog is lifting again and I can see the d**n horizon again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eR1ni6sZK4

Hey Joan..

Also wondered about DFs houseboat and have been keeping up reading but trying not to post..boy it's hard to not post as daily writing has become the norm for me.

I am waving at you from the horizon by the way.....coooo eeeee xxx

I also have a pal who sounds a lot like your one. Am always reminded of the al anon slogan "an expectation is a predetermined resentment" or something like that. With this particular friend I have to deliberately break any patterns as if I happen to go round for a night 2 weeks on the trot it becomes expected and then if Im busy I've "let her down"

Anyhooo..Cher inspired I see..?? I love that song ...

Always reading ((((J )))))

Xxxx

(((R)))

Diary: Morning has broken. I feel even. No gambling this weekend so far. That is an achievement. I recently saw the movie Cider House Rules and am thinking about taking a second look at it. Something really resonated with me -- the whole concept of the lofty morality oftentimes set forth by the perfect youth and folks who sit way up high and the disconnect between them and the g*****s, tramps and thieves on the streets like me.... Unless you have something in common with me or better yet, have walked around these streets in my skin don't judge. Your turn will come. If not in this life the next. One of my fondest memories of AA meetings back in Chicago was standing hand in hand with the homeless, P*********s, and lawyers saying The Lord's Prayer. In those moments I felt connected. As I am sure I mentioned in past posts; it had nothing to do with the words and everything to do with the moment that we all melted together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anT_TfPRyLo

Hey sister,

Another weekend safely done and dusted 🙂

Great, i like to see you in high spirits and looking at clear horizont ahead as well.

Hugs darling ((( J )))

Keep breathing and believing!! Xx

Waving over the pond Hun 🙂

Be kind to yourself

S x

P.S.

Standing on a very windy beach, waving wildly back at my pals across the sea!!!! Corgis running circles around my feet making every attempt to herd me. Not today!! Lol!! (((((((( Rach, Sandra, Dragonfly))))))))

Catching up on your diary and find as I read the posts, I am smiling, nodding in agreement to pretty much everything and really enjoying all of the music links which bring back such fond memories for me. Since your diary brings such a feeling of connection to me and so many here, I can see why that friend wants to be with you and P every Saturday! It's 'cause you're just plain super. Have a great week, Joan.

Thanks Carla!!

Diary: I did a little budgeting and it looks like our not hitting the casino these past few weekends has made a huge difference! P went off to put some gas in the car and I gifted her 75 bucks to spend on cr**. The look on her face was priceless. Lol. The ridiculous thing is that we spent at least 400 on slots. If we continue to abstain by February 1 we will be in a place where we can maybe get a dining room table ( nothing fancy ) and start saving for one of those temperpedic beds. OOOOOhhh life of the rich and famous here we come. Lol!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J3L3GyQyzo

Diary: the word for today is: momentum. When I put time and space in between me and a slot machine the urges become more manageable. When the urges become more manageable I am able to put more time and space between me and a slot machine. When I take that fist step towards gambling the opposite happens. The momentum works against me. It's all downhill and takes me so much longer to build up enough steam to go at it again. The key is to not take that first bet whatever it is. Keep stuffing time and space in between me and the slot machine. There's that and then there is the layer underneath it all. Where does the urge come from in the first place? I have done a lot of work around this over the last year or two. I have an attachment disorder. Meaning I get too attached to everything and everyone. I take everything in and let nothing go. I probably have a hidden propensity toward hoarding. God... that show is fascinating. Anyway.. I am working on letting go. FEAR. What a pain the a** it is. Mom said that my grandma was fearful. It's probably part chemical. Oh well. That's me today. Honoring the momentum that is working in my favor and trying not to over think the deeper layers while at the same time respecting where the urges bubble up from so as I can some how develop skills to kill them. I'm not going to read this post back so if it is one run on sentence so be it.. lol.