Angel From Montgomery

Hi Judy,

I like your last post, and you're absolutely right that the most important thing is not taking that first bet. However many times the addiction has made me tell myself that it is only a little bet and won't do any harm, each time it has burnt my fingers.

Momentum is important for all of us in fighting this disease, and once the weeks and months start coming together, then it gets easier to develop a routine without gambling. The hardest thing is getting over the humps in the road that disrupt the routine, and allow the addiction back in.

Hope this momentum continues for you, and each night becomes offers more relaxing and comfortable sleep, especially after that new bed arrives.

All the best

Ryan

Hey girl,

Great post, and I would suggest never read it back again, couse it's always great wise words you put down..( I mean, I guess you often read bk and delete it afterwards lol )

Momentum eh??? Yea...I do agree, a moment in time..

I always thought, if I was in a wrong place at the wrong time in the past..moment I was destined...and had no way out...end of memories...

Gambling?....exactly. ..works the same way...matter of minutes to make a decision..depends which way our mind tells us to go..it's weird..innit...a split second to go to self destruction or just walk away to the safety...hate this addiction, not easy to control somwtimes......but...possible :-))

I'm well pleased for you my friend, and really happy to see you joining Flagg's tread...I have a feeling you will do it and will carry on long way afterwards....maybe sister's bond lol...but I believe in you, couse you are worth it...everything recovery has to offer...you are brill, and I will always look out for you :-))

Last line of the song I love...u know it :-)))

"Oh if the sky comes falling down for you

There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do"

Take care and tk it easy :-))

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra!! (((((S))))) HEY SISTER!!...

Diary: Work tomorrow. I don't know why I get so nervous before I present a training. I have been doing this for 14 years now.. really.. w*f?? Is my self esteem that low??? I cannot enjoy what is left of the evening because I am anticipating tomorrow before it has even gotten here. The planning... Jeez I drive myself up the wall with the controlling "thing". If I could learn to just not give a sh it. I work with sooooo many people who could care less. Honestly, no effort whatsoever. Always someone else around to pick up the slack so why bother? I don't know how not to give a sh it. It literally pains me not to. I am apparently more at ease being uneasy. Yup. That makes absolutely no sense so it must be true. Btw nobody should feel the need to respond to this post. This is just me trying to exorcise some of this anxiety. Useless, waste of energy. I have no intention going gambling. No. I save up all of this what ever the hell it is and when the weekend comes. Bang!! Well, not this time. I aint gonna go for it. So I am telling myself now to just offload my thoughts onto this diary regardless of how they sound. This is every night before I have to do a training. Every single time. I can do this in my sleep and yet the transition from home to work. Almost a little agoraphobic maybe.... huh.. There has got to be a chemical imbalance somewhere in there joan.... Agoraphobia, social anxiety, functional depressed THATS ME. And, so what. The point is I am functional. The thing is: I don't want to come to Thursday night thinking well now I deserve a big prize for getting through. Well, maybe I do. But, that prize cannot be a go at the slots. A prize should leave me feeling fulfilled or satisfied in some way. That should be the criteria. Gambling on a slot machine ALWAYS leaves me feeling empty. Used. Spent. That is not a prize. So. If it's a challenge to get through my work week then fine. Nothing wrong with a good challenge. If I feel I deserve a reward for rising to it then that's fine too. Nothing wrong with that either. Perhaps another trip to Wild Willy's or a movie with a large popcorn dripping with that movie butter. It's like 1200 calories worth. lol. My liver is already threatening to explode... lol.. whew.. that was quite a rant. I do feel a little bit better though. Next post will be Thursday evening when I get home from work. I will not waste my money or my time on a slot machine. Another diarist once wrote me and told me about a time when he was reduced to tears in front of a slot machine. That has happened to me as well! And, more than once. How humiliating is that? That is not a prize for pushing through anxiety. Come up with something else!! Oh well, P will be home soon. We will have dinner then early to bed. Good night all. - jittery joanxxx

Good Morning Diary: The work week came and the work week went and the training as usual went swimmingly. NOOO problems. Thursday evening rush hour came and while driving home the usual urge to gamble on slots came and WENT. I understand why I turned to this money/time wasting soul robbing activity and am committed to walking the other way. All I have to do is not do it today. And, I won't do it today. Pitching twenties at random patterns on a video screen. Ffs... lol. Oh well. In a couple of hours P and I will be off to have our hair done. After that we will go pick up a birthday gift for our little niece who turned 6 yesterday. 6!! lol. After that who knows. Whatever we want I guess. The Universe is abundant again because I adjusted the focus on the lenses I wear. -joan is not betting on slots today. xxxx

Hey sister!! Xx

No betting on slots means no betting on slots!!! YOU SAID IT !!;-)

Enjoy your day and hair do... :-)))

Hug darling

((((( J ))))) & ((((( P )))))

S x

Joan

I hope you had a great time with that niece of yours, makes me smile every time I read as I feel the love you have bouncing off the page.

You made me think a great deal my dear friend.

Mostly that 'aint life great'

The big picture is coming together.

And with a new Do too!!

All the very best to you and P

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Sandra!! And, Duncs! We must have been posting at the same time.

Diary: Had some urges last night but, they came and went. I caught myself rationalizing around spending 100 dollars on a slot. I was telling myself that we could afford it blah blah fukity blah. I realized then that this is how it all gets started for me. I whispered back to myself.. um, yeah, no.. the problem is not affording the 100. The problem is in the starting and not stopping. The never winning even when I'm winning. The never enough feeling and then the all too familiar gutted feeling the next morning when I have to face myself again feeling let down and sick to my stomach. And, it does not end there. It takes me weeks to find the strength to start the climb all over again. The last time we fell it was months ago and it has taken us this long to gain back the momentum we had when we had 15 weeks slot free. I pushed through and did not go and today I woke up feeling steady and calm. I even slept the whole night through. I can do this as long as I do not take that first step into the casino. I have my life, my partner, a little money in my pocket and the whole day in front of me. Well, most of the day. We are going to a birthday party for a six year old in about 7 hours. Lol. Good clean fun I suppose... Instead of counting days this year I have joined Flagg's challenge. I think that will give me the drive and momentum that I will continue to need when the complacency tries to seep in. Peeking through the blinds and seeing gorgeous gold and pink progress rising up over the horizon sometimes helps... I think.. Oh well, that's me for now. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the skies. The gold and the pink. The sunrise. -joanxxx

Diary: Making the choice to not gamble on slots today. One day at a time. Especially on weekends. The more time and space that I put in between this habit the easier it gets to stay away from it. I must always remember to not take that first bet. It's like a severe allergy. If I were allergic to something I once really liked to eat but had an anaphylactic reaction to it; would I knowingly take another bite? No. That's it for me today. NO! -joanxxx

Hey girl,

Too right you say NO to this beast!!! 😉 It is indeed allergic reaction to the system.

Weekends can be tough...maybe that's why i decide to come in to work on my day off to stay safe from urges lol. Ohh...the things we do, then boredom kicks in lol..anything what helps :-))

You doing great sweetie, day at a time is the key in this recovery and you doing just that.keep it up!!

Hugs ((( J )))

Sandra x

P.s. i loved loved ur description of sunrise in previous post...you shoud be a writer :-)))

More fookitol and you right in there 😀 xx

Hey Joan,

Just wanted to send you some good old Chi Town weather hello! Looking forward to spring again and getting down to the river for some fishing. Hope 2014 is a great year for you!

Chicagoguy

Thank you Sandra and Chicagoguy ( great to see you around the forum budy! Stay warm. Looks like Chicago and the east coast is gonna freeze again.)

Diary: I got a healthy dose of reality reading around the forum today. It was good medicine. And like good medicine it was bitter tasting and a little hard to swallow but, exactly what I needed. I have been away from the slot machines for a few weeks now... I know that I can never go back. If I do it will end the same way. It always ends the same way. Duncs is right. Until a person is ready to stop they won't. I have stood at the edge of the abyss. There is no bottom to it. My brother fell into it and he is no more. Addicts are such liars. I lied to myself for years. Today, I walk the line because I have too much to lose. I love this life and I want to live it clean. Oh well, as the song goes.. the rest is silence... -joanxxxx http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWBEam2U-KQ

Diary: We are bracing ourselves for another big chill out here. Space heaters going to offset the sub zero air and praying as always that Bertha our ancient snowman steam boiler hangs in there. Hang in there honey!! Not much else to write about this morning. I did have a dream last night that I won the lottery. Lol. I guess subconsciously I am still gambling. And still holding out hope for the big windfall. I am not beating myself up too much about it. After all it was only a dream and we are inundated over the air waves with images of gambling all day long. Always blabbering about "this lucky one this" and "this lucky one that". Millions of peasants running each other down to get a chance at being the one in bazillion winner.. For f uc ks Sake!!! Never mind I woke up today. Never mind that the sun rose again. Never mind that I am relatively healthy and have plenty of food to eat and that I am warm in the dead of this god forsaken winter.. Lol. It's all good. I suspect I am grieving on some level. Whatever. Slots and I are over. Beloved slots what little you give back pales in the shadow of what I give out. I am no longer willing to sacrifice my paycheck, my sanity or my soul. I am a winner today because I did not gamble. I can never do it again. Not even one spin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qtLYNtXyq4-joanxxxx

Diary: No gambling on slots machines today. "I haven't got time for the pain... I haven't the need for the pain." -joanxxx

Hi sis xx

Hey, love you keep the fight going!!..some bad s**t with urges recently, but I know I am not on my own...you all are here my soldiers :-))

You keep close by yourself darling..if they ring again, tell them to f*k off lol..yea, that's what they deserve!!!

Stay strong girl...send you big hug and a little song...something I keep listening for the last few days...someone to lean on....you got P...give her a hug!!!always makes things better

http://youtu.be/wJZ3bcPr-Ds

Sandra xx

P.s. keep warm, I seen some snow coming bk ur way !!! Xx

Joan

thanks for popping by, it always raises a smile!! And a cup of Joe lol, since I found out I have liver desease I have been doing some reading and coffee I believe is good, so I have in true compulsive nature embrassed it fully!!!

Keep making the right choice my dear friend.

Hope that cold snap moves across you quickly, we have rain and more rain here!!

and more forecast, I shall keep a close eye on that dragonfly.

Warmest regards to you and P

Duncs stepping forward never back.