Angel From Montgomery

Thank you Sandra and, Duncs so glad you have Dragonfly's back!! What is with all of the rain over there!!

Diary: Some extra stress today. The truth is P and I are a couple who gambled together and now are trying to stop together. Our pattern or habit was to get thru the work week and then jump into gambling on slots with both feet without a care in the world... In sobriety we realize how much responsibility we have here and to each other. We are both trying to find our way and trying to figure out a way to push through the agitation without taking it out on each other, mom, or the poor pets. Nothing catastrophic but, am realizing that we together ran from our responsibilities and now we have to stand up to them like adults. There is more to an addiction than just the "thing" that one is doing be it smoking, drinking, or gambling. We need to figure out why we ran to gambling in the first place and together find a way out of this hell. I think P is a little better at sweeping things under the rug. I feel stronger these days. I feel hopeful that we will get to the other side. I need to be more supportive and less p*s sy. P tends to go for the path of least resistance. I can make life for her easier around here and I intend to do just that. Anyway, that is the state of the state. We will survive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YSTeJOxiaw

Julie, lol.. yes Grateful Dead, much better than an old worn out disco tune.. lol..

Diary: Besides, "a touch of gray kind of suits me anyway..." The day is winding down now. The sun has set and it is about 10 below zero. We are snug and warm inside of our little old house. There is love here. I am lucky and I am going to wrap myself in it like a blanket. No thoughts about gambling on the slots. Pizza warming up in the oven. Looking forward to scarfing some back in front of the TV. After that, lights out. Over all it was a good day! -joanxxx

joan

-10 oc o*g!!! my deep freeze at work is not that cold lol!!!!

You look after yours my friend, leave that dog doop to mould sculptures!!!! lol

Hope today is another Good one.

Made all the better by remaining gamble free

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, still laughing about the dogs and fox poo...

Diary: Up and ready to get started today. No thoughts about gambling on slots. I am working on my second cup of coffee and in a few hours will be off to visit with the little nieces. So, bring on the crayons, the videos, and Barbie dolls.. lol -joanxxx

Don't envy you that coldness but must be nice when you are both snuggly inside the house.

Can't remember his name but famous artist won the Turner prize with paintings made from elephant poo - new career methinks, dog poo sculptures, not only tactile but sniffable too. I should have thought of that when I had my Macaw, parrot poo sculptures, onto a winner there.

So glad you are winning out over the urges, I think it gets harder not easier the longer you abstain as the more cash I build up the more tempting it is to think I wont miss a few hundred here or there and that I deserve a treat for being so good. Must be hard when there are two of you as great when thinking alike with good stuff but harder to cope when both tempted at the same time.

Babbling on a bit but just glad to be home and able to catch up properly on here.

Stay warm and safe and love to P

xxx

Diary: Yes, Dragonfly, I agree that when cash piles up the urges come with it. I am thinking though that we (P and I) may have turned a corner here in that we "did that" and had to find out the hard way of course that that dog does not hunt. We had to find other ways to reward ourselves. Realizing that gambling on slots will never be a proper reward for us because once we start we will not stop. As predictable as the tides. Simple. We cannot ever gamble on a slot machine. For us there will never be a quick twenty or an easy hundred. We can never experience that feeling of winning because it is never enough just to win. We have to keep it going. Like those sad tortured little monkeys willing to give up food, sleep, and s*x, in order to keep experiencing the "high". Addiction is hell really. At least for me it is. Anyway, when we get paid now, we put our money to use for needful items for the household or for ourselves. We buy cash cards that we can only use at the store. We will not be in a place where we can save money until we have paid off all of our debts. That will be a few years off. We have made considerable headway but the damage was pretty extreme and will take a lot of effort to undo. So, any so called extra cash will go into stock piling items like toilet paper. Ironic maybe or metaphorical? We used to wipe our arses with twenties and toss them into the hopper at the casino. Same thing as a slot machine. I think. Anyway that's the state of the state for today. Keeping each other warm and safe. Roast pork for supper. Watching the Grammy awards on TV tonight (yuck!)but, the price I must pay for getting to stay home yesterday. I love visiting with my little nieces but it comes with a hefty price. Their mommy I am afraid to say is a real piece of work! Lol. Anyway, as payment to P for going for the both of us I must sit happily through the Grammy awards AND the stinking pre- awards red carpet affair as well. God help me. Lol. joanxxx

Hey Sister!!!

Too right, money well spend on a toilet paper lol 😉

I am pleased to read you are staying in a happy place. I have to admit, I didn't read all of ur diary (no race there...I have plenty of time lol ) but just wonder, does P read this site too. Is she as commited to recovery as you are? Just think, that double power is much easier in this battle 🙂

You are doing great girl, and I am sat here waving over the pond...might be freezing, but a little smile can brake any ice 🙂

Stay warm, safe and out of trouble !!!

Hugs

S xx

P.s. while watching Grammies, just imagine those lovely sculptures you was mentioning in ur recent posts on that tidy lovely red carpet lol...not that has to make it all more entertaining heh heh 😀 xx

Hey girl,

Very lovely and clear response. So looks like you are the one to be kept on a short lead lol ( sorry for expression ) ;-))

I am very pleased, you two get along lovely, and I believe that you both will find the way out of it, and no more visits to the casino will be in ur journey...

Take care, and enjoy Grammies!!! If I was P I would record it too for you for a rainy day, or then u misbehave lol lol punishment heh heh

Take care

S x

Diary: I lived through the Grammy awards show last night. Off today. Work week starts tomorrow. I'm in a strange state of mind today. I am trying not to over think it. Trying to just sit with it. I am wondering if this is the layer that is exposed when I don't have the drama of looming financial devastation when gambling on slot machines. That drama acting as a distraction. But, from what? I said I didn't want to over think things didn't I? I feel jittery and maybe a little panicked. Oh well. Not thinking about gambling at all. I am thinking about what comes next maybe. What now? Huh. Nobody should feel the need to respond to this post. I am just feeling somewhat out of sorts and am trying to work through it. Maybe I will read a few diaries... -joanxxx

Hi Joan

I just wrote a great long entry in my own diary about my feelings for the first time in ages and then it disappeared into the ether grrrrr.

Hoping you are back feeling in sorts by now and keeping warm in that -13.

I love knitting, maybe I ought to send over some woollies for next year, would keep my itchy fingers occupied for a bit.

xxx

Hey Sis,

Wow!! U survived Grammys!! That's something :-))

Ropes and chains must of kept you in line lol

Ok..back to serious stuff before u come marching over the pond and beating me up black and blue 🙂

Hope u feeling better and more in balance with yourself hun. You always seem so thoughtful and calm..i love reading ur posts, because you have that unique way to express yourself. Should write a book!! 🙂

I am sure i told that to Rach once...i think many of us could be writers :-)) ..d**n..imagine that lol!! The whole world would go mental if we all add a piece of our minds lol

Anyhoo...just dropping by to wish you calm rest of the week and to bump ur diary up 🙂

Have a lovely day and i hope ice is melting ur end, and more warmth and sunshine is coming bk.

Take care sis

Stay safe and warm

Hugs to u and P

Sandra xx

Thanks for dropping in Dragonfly and Sis..

Diary: Long week at work but, I am doing ok.. Had some fleeting thoughts about gambling on slots this morning because I was feeling sorry for myself. I get fed up with b.s. and don't know how to let off steam. I really do. I take the bull in until I cannot swallow any more. But, I quietly said the serenity prayer and it actually calmed my mind long enough to get a clearer perspective. So, now the day is done. Another training done and another pay check coming my way. It's all good. Gambling on slots only makes my stress levels increase because of the financial devastation it comes with. I am really tired so probably not a lot of sense. No gambling on slots for us tonight. We don't need it. Gonna get some take out and watch the finale of Coven. Take care all. -joanxxxx

Joan

well done for staring it in the eye!!

I can think of many ways to let off steam that don't result in you emptying your bank account or adding the feelings those slots leave!!

Maybe you could make a punchbag out of all them toilet rolls and punch away!!!!!!!

Keep making the right choice my friend

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the support Duncs!

Diary: I have been cleaning all morning getting the house "niece proofed". Lol. Yes, another sleep over. On the gambling front? Well, looks like P and I are rounding our 4th or 5th consecutive week without running to the casino to feed every hard earned dollar into a bottomless pit of a slot machine. It feels great. No worries. No dread. No self loathing to add on top of my already functionally depressed state. I think a lot of us are fully aware that there are underlying issues tied to our compulsive gambling behaviour.... Gambling on slot machines never enhanced my life. It just gave me an opportunity to numb out. The problems I tried to sweep under the rug were still there and I was broke on top of it. For awhile I think that the drama associated with near financial ruin was in itself a way to distract myself from other parts of my life or character defects that I did not want to deal with. Lot's of negative commentary had come up around the 12 step programs and all are entitled to their own opinions but, it has been my experience that these programs were designed help addicts get at the underlying issues... I personally never got bogged down by the Christian undertones. One has to appreciate the historical context that these programs came out of. A lot has changed since the fist AA meetings.. Anyway, I also think that communication over email has always had its pluses and minuses. It is very easy to misread someone's tone because tone oftentimes is what is missing in email. I know that I have come across abrasive at times defensive at other times. Apologetic, and the list goes on. We are all just people trying to do better. That is my humble two cents worth on this fine Friday. My hope today is for every single recovering compulsive gambler on this site to find the peace of mind that we are all so truly deserving of. -joanxxxx

You can breathe now Sis 🙂

What a fantastic post...i see ur determination ( a bit of anger, which is healthy lol ) and strength to beat this beast shining through!!!

Yeahaa!!!! Keep moving girl

We all got our own battles and demons to face, but here we all reach for the same goal - peace and happiness.

Have a nice weekend darling

Hugs Hun ((((( J ))))

P.s. great going on 5th week g free...high 5 to u both !! 🙂

S x