Angel From Montgomery

Thanks so much Sis, and Julie!!

Hi Diary: Had a lovely time with my little nieces and am absolutely exhausted... but, for some reason am really struggling with thoughts about gambling on slots today. I know that I can't and I won't but, thought I should log in and fess up to what I am currently up to. It has everything to do with pay day I am sure. The money has dropped into the account and like clockwork it sends my feverish brain reeling. I keep telling myself that it is just out of habit. That all I need to do is just for today; not go. Tomorrow I will wake up refreshed and so thankful that I did not go. No feelings of shame, or guilt. Reading through the forum I am once again humbled and thankful for all that I have in this world. In spite of all of my grumbling and I have it pretty good. I am also grateful to and for each and every one of us who take the time to write down our thoughts. The good the bad and the ugly. There is so much here to learn from. Anyway. I will probably be back. Tonight might be a long one for me. I won't do it. I can't. Not even one innocent finski as that would result in a full blown relapse. I cannot win because I cannot stop. Simple. -joanxxx

Joan

By you side my friend.

Unconditionally, keep dumping the trash because what's left is pure gold.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thank you Duncs!!

Diary: It's Sunday morning and I made it through a pretty tough night of gambling urges. I am a firm believer that success in abstinence is in part due to putting time and distance between the last binge. Urges still come but, even tough ones are more manageable when you have some time racked up. I feel exactly the way I thought I would. Free of the guilt and shame. My money is still there and P has an abundance to do our weekly grocery shopping. Even treats are on the list for this week! Gambling on slot machines was a distraction for me. As I stated in a previous post. The drama of near financial ruin was a distraction for me. Distraction from the day to day blah blah f*** ity blah blah that even hangs like sticky green goo from this wonderful forum from time to time. I take a lot in and let go of very, very little. I let the bull shi t pile up inside of me until I implode - a veritable shi t storm of the soul. I wind up taking the bottled up rage out on myself because I was raised by a most masterful bully. Sometimes the bullying even on here can be slick and masterful too. I applaud Lazarus for his bravery. I will always defend a person's right to free speech but, in my personal life, there is no room for brutality no matter how honest because is in my opinion brutal honesty is nothing more than a smoke screen for just plain meanness. I allow myself to be affected by negative tones and bullying behaviours because it is a shard of my broken past. I do not seek to silence the bullies now, because while protecting myself, I can still manage to learn from them. I feel sorry for them now. This site works! Abstinence works! The fog has lifted and Clarity is my only captain. -joanxxx

Good morning diary:

Feeling sad today. A brother (recovering addict) lost his battle with heroin addiction and it's all over the news. I am thinking about recovery and remembering that it is not a destination really but, a new way of living. P and I haven't gambled on slots since the week before Christmas. Breaking the habit of going to the casino on weekends especially payday weekends has been tough but manageable. We cannot afford to spend one minute - one dollar at a casino. We cannot win ever, because we cannot stop, ever. It is what it is. Today, weather permitting I will be taking mom to the doctor. If it snows we might need to cancel. We will have to see. Today, it is about managing my anxiety levels. Today, it is about trying to exist in each moment as it arrives. Today, it is about accepting moments of down time without thinking that every free minute of the day needs to be filled up with so called productivity. Today it is about remembering to be grateful for today. The only day I have. The only day that counts. Given the choice would I spend it gambling on slot machines?? Why would I? I can look out of the window and watch the passers by. I can cuddle with my corgis who live to make me laugh and proud. I can watch a t.v. program or read a book. I can post on GC or make some toast and coffee. I can visit with mom and reminisce about the old days and, Ed. I miss him every day. I can be happy. All I have to do is be happy. -joanxxx

Yo,

Sitting here eating cream crackers , we'll nearly toast lol

Thinking about my dad, so sort of in tune with you Hun.

My dad would only want the bestest for me , sure Ed would want the same for you .

They are both watching us from on high, proud of what we are achieving but also we'll in tune in the daily battles we face.

Sorry your are sad, but with that sadness lets continue to make ummmmm proud .

Great big hugs to you Hun , watched Nashville this week , now there's a series to watch whilst munching on your toast and cuddling the corgis ( are you related to the queen ???????)

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

(((((((((((((((( Joan )))))))))))))))) xx

Thanks for the hug Sandra. (((((S)))))

Diary: So, the snow as predicted is starting to fly. Cancelled mom's appointment and she's skipping round the house like a school girl on a "snow day" off. Lol. Outside my window it's that color gray that could almost sound like something played on a cello. I am a little sad but, mostly, warm, and content. Am coming down with a cold so will have some tea and honey in a little bit. Sticking close to the diaries these days. It's a good thing. -joanxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…F0cmCU&list=RDGXGFVWqPGu0

Yo,

What ever you need to do Hun:-)

Just keep doing what's best for you and yours.

Not to make you jealous the sun is shining in shiny's world . Even got outside and planted some bulbs .

Been outside chatting to them in hope they might grow.

Will keep you posted ..........

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Diary: Tuesday. Several weeks since my last bet. Today, I want to shout from the mountain tops: Thank the stars that I have more in my life than gambling!! Yes, for that I am truly grateful and even more grateful to those out there who remind me of this when I get complacent. Life is about the day to day. The hours. What we think, do, and say has everything to do with the choices we make. We live, we make choices, and we learn. Moving on. Learn, grow, and go. A quick note to Shiny: It is a balmy 10 degrees here. I say, balmy because it sure beats -13! The sun is shining and although I wont be planting bulbs I will be singing in the sunshine. Why? Because I choose to. 😀 -joanxxxx P.S. Not just butter on the toast today. A dollop of honey too! Yeeeehah!!

Diary, I feel like as s today, but wanted to just check in. No gambling. No thoughts of gambling. cough, cough, f**t, sneeze, sniffle, gag wheeze.... -joanxxx

hey,

mostly im posting music tonight.

This reminded me of your, keep on roaring

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8

take care

blondie x

Blondie! Great to see your name about the forum but even greater to hear that things are on an even keel for you!! ((((((Blondie)))))))

As for me... I just dragged myself out of the sack to write a quick note. Still down with some kind of virus. I feel wiped. The only silver lining in this dark cloud of a day is that I have absolutely no desire to go out. Which means no temptation to go gambling. Urges come and go. Pretty much in the form of a fantasy win. When that happens I remind myself that I can not ever win. As Duncs and others have said at the very most a win is but a temporary loan. I wind up spending that and more. So, what would be the point? It has been 7 weeks since our last stint. We had gone as far as 15 weeks before falling. It took us a long time -- months actually, to climb back onto the wagon. I'll tell you what.. I'm gonna enjoy the ride. One day at a time of course. -joanxxx

Great post girl...keep at it, don't turn back. 7 weeks g free is only the beginning..

Hope u get better soon, keep warm and look after urself.

Be proud, day at a time indeed ((( Joan ))) xx

Thanks Sandra and Julie!!

Diary: Still feeling under the influenza. Not even thinking about gambling. Still finding it hard to sit up and type. Misspelling every other word as I go... This winter has been a real b it ch. I am thinking and wondering about dear broken soul who we have not heard from since Christmas Day. I hope she's ok. I am also thinking about dragonfly and her houseboat on that river... Has the rain finally ended for awhile?? I am thinking about Rach. I miss her. Minding everybody else's business but my own I suppose. Lol. Not much else to say. The daily ups and downs. The challenges. The worries. P's cough seems to be a fixture now, and of course I am constantly worried for her. Nothing is permanent. That idea works both ways. That means we are not either. Permanent that is. I am being a drama queen for sure. Oh well, that's it for now. -joanxxx

Hey sis 🙂

Lets give a really loud shout out for our dear fighters from the both sides of the pond 😉 maybe they will hear us and come bk to drop a line....

.... I know how u feel....I miss these ppl terribly...

Take it easy dear fighter, breathe, believe and stay strong. All the best to u and P.

((( J ))))

S xx

P.s. as far as I know DF is safe and warm,...but had to leave her houseboat couse of the floods....just need to keep praying for our dear soldier at this difficult time.