Angel From Montgomery

Diary: Caught a horrible sh it cold last week but, boss was willing to push my next training date back a week so, that I can stay home to heal all of this week. Woke up hateful this morning because my car wouldn't start but, had a lovely chat with the man who came out in record time to jump start the car. A new battery will be purchased and installed tonight when P gets home. ( we have the money to buy one because we did not gamble it away over the weekend ) My nose and my upper lip seems to have fused together but, fever is down and my immune system appears to be winning the war. The sound of the ancient boiler banging, churning, and hissing keeps me up all hours of the night but, it also keeps this 700 square foot house at a steady 70 degrees in sub zero weather.

I can run around the house today trying to anticipate every possible problem in order to stay one step ahead of it. I suppose I can tidy, clean, shore up every little thing in order to feel "in control". OR, I could piddle f**t all day long if I choose. I am in charge. I am in control. I can do as I please and there is no one to tell me otherwise. When I am in gambling addiction every little thing still gets under my skin and I still feel like I am on fire but, instead of trying to balance things out I try putting out the fire with gasoline. When I hit the pause button instead, and do the math, I find out that things tend to balance out in the end. I don't need to be in control of anything or anyone else. Only me. Some days are pure shi t and there is no getting around that but, most of the time I can balance things out by remembering what I do have. All is never lost. I don't have to train my focus on loss. As long as I am alive I will lose. That is true, but I will also have. I will always have. I decide what to focus on. I do that. What a mental giant I am today. Lol!! Next I shall attempt cutting a straight line with a pair of scissors. It's so funny what we forget when in self indulgent La La Land.

Thoughts for today: Easy does it, joan...

be kind to yourself joan...

but, GROW UP... ffs joan. Lol! -joanxxxx

Good Morning Diary: Day 50. Staying close but, still truckin. Moving steadily towards 8 weeks gamble free. Lesson learned: Never ever let your guard down. Never ever think that there is such a thing as a "harmless hundo". I can never ever have "fun" gambling. That is a lie I tell myself to get into the casino. Once inside, the object of the game for me is to stay in the game. The goal for me is full emersion. Space, time, money, loved ones, all become irrelevant when I am in the zone. The morning after ALWAYS feels the same. It's groundhog day. A total wipeout and I feel like pure sh it. No one rides a wave forever. Enough said, I guess. A very painful, and expensive lesson learned. Controlled gambling for a gambling addict is pure nonsense. I will never fall for that one again. -joanxxxx

Thanks for dropping in Julie. It gets lonely in here sometimes!

Good Morning Diary: There is an element on this site that I manage to let get under my skin from time to time. That being said.. I refuse to feed into the negativity any further. The bottom line for me is that I can never blame another human being for my thoughts and subsequent actions regardless of how insensitive and just plain selfish they are. Yes, I believe the negative energy can trigger thoughts in my head that may further trigger thoughts about self destruction but, I don't have to give those thoughts any interest. I remind myself that killing a thought is pretty simple. Just pay it no mind at all. Bing badda bing bang boom!! Now, back to my post... Looks like we are gonna get pounded by another Nor'easter today and tomorrow. The weatherman is talking ice rain this time on top of the foot of snow that it's gonna drop on us. Oh boy. We have prepped as well as we could so, old man winter go ahead and bring it on. My cold is almost gone now, and I have my energy back so that is a good thing. No gambling in site. I am getting stronger and stronger every day. My money roll is getting fatter and I have no intention of giving it to the casino. Thoughts for today: my random thoughts are just neutral clouds of energy floating by. Sometimes my thoughts can seem dark maybe because of something I heard, or read that rubbed me the wrong way. Does it really matter where they come from? No. If I do not want a thought I can kill it. All I have to do is pay it no mind. Starve it of my interest........... YAWN.........ZZZZZzzzzzzz -joanxxxx

Well done on the 50 days Joan, keep it going!

Hi sis...thanx for the hug..exactly what i needed :-)) my favourite song sprang back to mind...u know which one 🙂 very proud of u and P. All the best, stay safe ((((( both )))))

P.s. not sure if u seen, but we managed to call our grill master girl back..she left a nice vid as always..at least she is well and sound 🙂 now only good friend Rach would top the happinnes off giving us a shout over these two little continents 🙂 xx

Hi Judy,

I enjoy your writing style. You put a smile on my face. You seem to be in a good place just now. Well done for resisting them temptations.. your doing mighty fine

Wev'e had virtually no snow over this side of the pond but lots and lots of rain and wind. They reckon that warm waters off Indonesia pushed the jet stream north into the arctic which then sent cold plunges down into the United States which then sent a conveyor belt of storms across the atlantic to the Uk. Funny how every thing is interconnected.

Thanks again for your support... S.A 🙂

Diary: It's Friday, I think. I have been home for almost 2 weeks now, and have lost track of time. As much as I dread going back to work on Monday, I look forward to it. I need that balance I guess. The dark circles under my eyes have not improved yet and, I look like a raccoon wearing wire rimmed glasses in a salt and pepper wig. I am wondering if this virus has settled into my sinuses now, and plans to stay there. P was out shoveling half the night last night and here we woke up to at least 3 inches more. That doesn't seem like a lot of snow on paper but, in the driveway and stuck to the cars on top of what the city ploughs push onto the sidewalks it's a f u c king lot. Oh well, they say that's winter in New England... Although, it hasn't been much better in the south this year. S.A. I appreciate the explanation for it all. When I was a kid I really got into Earth science, geology, and weather. I need to find where that curious kid inside of me is hiding. I bet I would find Ed there too. We used to love collecting rocks, climbing the mounds in Wisconsin, and just learning about how things like the stars, and, weather worked. Oh well, just rambling now, I suppose. How does the ramble help in my recovery? Simple. It's therapy. A way of cleansing the mind. I am still working on how to quell obsessive compulsive thoughts. Thoughts a lot like rivers ramble I guess. Thoughts are quite harmless. Quite neutral. They become problematic when they get all damned up or when I ruminate over them. Chew them like a piece of gum until the flavor is all gone and then stick it in my hair. ( I stole that from a movie ) but, it's what I do sometimes. An urge to gamble is just a thought... They come and go and I imagine they will maybe for a long time. The thing is; they seem to lose their strength the more time I put in between me and the last stint. The thing I must never do is give in for one moment. Just for today.. I think I might be getting the hang of all of this. What is my thought for today? I liked what S.A said about interconnectedness. Everything and everyone is interconnected. I am not alone and I need not be afraid of my thoughts. -joanxxxx

Diary: Saturday. Another 6-10 inches of snow predicted with 30 mph winds. Our entire area is under a blizzard warning. That means tomorrow will be another day of shoveling out. Yesterday, we worked for 3 straight hours and really felt like we had got something accomplished. Unfortunately, that is when some pretty vicious and persistent obsessive thoughts about gambling on the slots returned. It is this idea that a stint at the casino is some kind of reward for a hard days work. For some reason, having a cleared off sidewalk and driveway, and a sense of accomplishment is not enough. I shifted my thoughts to memories of losing. Loss of time. Loss of money. Loss of opportunity. Loss of self esteem. Loss of self respect. I reminded myself that gambling for us stopped being fun when we became compulsive gamblers. As compulsive gamblers we no longer cared about having a nice night out together and maybe winning some money. The sole point of winning for us was to be able to prolong the stint. Like a hamster on a wheel. Many lost weekends. Some of them over the holidays and birthdays. A lot of regret and panic about finances... A lot of sleepless nights worrying about large ticket items like our cars and boiler shi t ting the bed with no financial means to replace them. The begging family members and friends for money. Miss that??? No, I don't think so. The thoughts came and went. And, today is another day. We need to get all that we wish to get done quickly before the storm comes. The truth is; we are lucky to have each other. Lucky to be healthy enough to take care of ourselves and our home. Lucky to be employed and able to function in the world regardless of how cr** pie it can be at times. I know that things can be much worse. On the other hand, I can bi tch about the weather if it helps, and I can reward myself for a job well done. As long as I don't bi t ch myself into a mental sh it storm or reward myself with gambling. Thoughts for today: I am in control of myself. I don't need to melt down nor do I need to gamble about it. Whatever "it" is. I don't have to sit squat under a broken umbrella up to my armpits in sh it if I don't want to. All I need to say to those thoughts is no thank you not today. -joanxxxx

well done for not gambling, ive been a compulsive gambler for 12 years on and off, ive recently stopped gambling for 49days, I used to play roulette online and in the betting offices.

Thanks for popping in stop. 49 days is a massive achievement. I am rooting for you too!

Diary: It's Sunday, and I am having my usual pre back to work jitters. Obsessive thoughts about everything but work. This is the layer of me that is currently exposed now that I have removed the gambling blanket. Wet, itchy, wooly, gambling blanket. I feel ok. Just very nervous. I will do some shoveling later on and that will take care of some of it. Otherwise I will just have to push through it. No gambling urges at this time. -joanxxx

Feeling for you with the shovelling task looming. We had another dump recently, though not as bad as your neck of the woods. I also had to replace my car battery and due to my continued gambling, it caused a lot of stress, so I'm very happy that you are continuing to feel success in that area. Fighting along side you, Joan!

Hey sis....just a (((((( J ))))))

Fighting alongside you soldier, hav a peaceful week, all the best

S x

Hi Joan, Its so easy to forget the consequences of past gambling when we have an urge to gamble isn't it?

I find the best way to protect myself is firstly to avoid going near my usual gambling hell holes and secondly, I don't get drunk. Going for a run helps as well cos then am too knackered to go anywhere lol Keep shovelling that snow when the devils thoughts enter the brain. Thanks for your support.. S.A

Thanks good folks.

Diary: And, the beat goes on... last day of my work week. The usual daily stressors. The kid driving behind me flapping his gums and tossing fingers. The missing equipment and lack of support at work. Certain lazy trainees that expect to have it all handed to them on a platter... The difference is I don't stress too much over this sort of sh it as much these days. P and I are not gambling on slots anymore and I feel in control of my life again. Going back to that way of existing would be completely idiotic. Should I become complacent? Absolutely not. I will learn to sleep with my eyes opened if I have to in order to keep that evil monkey at bay. Whatever it takes. One day at a time. -joanxxxx

Joan

If I could hand you a stick, a great big one I would, you could keep it by your side, another weapon in the armoury in the life of a recovering compulsive gambler.

Because then you could sleep easy, knowing that when that dirty, sneaky, decieptfull son of a b#itch monkey crawls up your back you at your wonderfull P could take turns in dishing it out a good hiding.

Because that is what you are doing my dear friend, when you write

'me and P don't gamble on slots any more'

FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I doff my cap to you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.