Back from the Brink

Day 339

Some good news. After a lot of hard work and a pretty tough exam, I was emailed at the weekend to say that I’d passed. Was over-the-moon as I know the pass rate for this exam is pretty low. Anyway, this should result in some relatively interesting on-line part-time work, which should bring in some extra money which should help lift the financial burden. Things are looking up for once.

Day 342

Credit Card #2 now paid in full. Next week, Credit Card #3 will be paid off and a bit of Credit Card #4. So should be down 3 out of 10 Credit Cards since 1st January however the next few will take about 3 months each to clear. Around 15% knocked off the full balance so far. Great start but a long way to go.

Gambling thoughts remain far from my mind, but the financial damage continues to remain forefront in my thoughts. Although my OH does not know the full extent, nor has done for many years, she is currently going through a vetting procedure at work which may require me to reveal my Credit Card debt - I find it strange that having spent 3 months in her current role that she is being vetted at this stage - even more bizzare that she was vetted 3 months ago as well. Anyway, for the first time in 10 years, I can see a real path out of this mess, money is coming in, my new part-time work will certainly help further, debt pile has reduced consistently now for many months, basically everything now moving quickly in the right direction. I really don’t want anything to derail this progress and I’m now very anxious that external pressure might undermine everything I’m striving to achieve. 

Very worrying times indeed.

Day 349

Good start to the day as Credit Card #3 falls - that’s 3 in 2 months. Only 7 to go. Next card will be more of a slog, but will continue throwing as much as I can towards it.

I can feel the misery of Gambling and it’s aftermath slowly lifting.

Day 355

Starting to train again - on a fairly tough 3 month plan, but something to focus on as I approach 1 yr GF.

Financial situation heading in the right direction, credit score rises another 20 points even though it’s lagging about a month behind. As a few of my 0% BT deals have ended it would be good to get that to a level where I’ll be able to get back onto 0% deals so I’m not paying as much interest each month.

Part time online work is quite hard and low paid at the moment, but will improve with time - an extra source of income.

Things are moving in the right direction but I still have a nagging doubt that it will not all be plain sailing. Can’t put my finger on it - but I can’t gamble (thanks to Gamstop) which is the important thing.

Day 356

Generally in an angry and very cynical mood of late - mostly with family and work. Really have to stop giving so much of a s**t about them.

In other news, nearly 1 year on, it appears that I self excluded myself from some online casinos without withdrawing whatever I had in my account. In the past week I’ve had 2 deposits in my account from them for a hundred or so quid. It’s only taken them 12 months - nice of them to let me have what is owed to me. Anyway - paid straight onto the credit card.

Day 360

Moving closer to a full year gamble free. Feeling a bit better again.

There’s potential for a fairly generous redundancy offer at work, the amount would get rid of my Credit Card headache permanently. Downside is, I’d be looking at a 20% pay cut if I go elsewhere doing what I’m doing now. I have a month to make my decision - there’s a lot to weigh up.

Everything else is good, and no gambling thoughts at all.

Day 361

So looks like I’m being backed into a corner which means I will have to confess all to my OH.  It’s due to vetting for her new job; this has been lingering about for 4 months now and finally I need to speak up about our (my) financial situation. Over 11yrs since the last time I spoke to her about it, Gambling binges in 2011, then again during 2018, has left me with high, but debts I’m well on top of. That might be scant consolation. Worried as hell as to what might happen.

Day 363

My phone app is telling me that I’m 8700hrs since my last Bet and in 60hrs time, I can say that I’m over a year gamble free.

Day 363 (Part 2)

Very worrying times at work, with potential job losses. Hoping that my own role will not be affected.

Worrying times indeed.

Day 363 (Part 3)

My Dad was rushed into hospital this afternoon for a minor op which may have averted something life-threatening. We are lucky that he had the common sense to see the Doctor straightaway. But a real shock for us all. With this and what I’m hearing and seeing in the news puts things well into perspective. My troubles are not really that important in the grand scheme.

Day 365

Now a year gamble-free but my mind is full of worry particularly my Dad’s health and my own job security (I work in the travel industry). Have to be careful because these are times that I’m most vulnerable - in fact, job worries was I believe one of the contributing factors towards me sinking into Gambling as an escape from the uncertainty all those years ago. I don’t think I’m good at dealing with uncertainty. Of course, I have the failsafe of Gamstop there, should I have those thoughts.

Dear Michael35

Well done on reaching the 1 year mark! Sorry to hear about your Dad and it does sound like it's a worrying time for your industry right now. It's good that you are recognising these potential triggers in advance. If you want to talk it over you're welcome to contact us on the Helpline by phone on 0808 8020 133 or by webchat. 

Keep updating,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Day 366

Lots happening at the moment ...

Firstly I wake up this morning over a year gamble free - which is a good place to be.

Also my Dad is on the mend, so that’s a big relief. He’ll be recovering for weeks now and he’s currently isolating at home, so we can’t visit, although we’re in regular contact, but this could go on weeks (possibly months) - so worried if anything happens.

I’m hoping to get an update this week on my job situation. Very worrying particularly as I’m walking a financial tightrope at the moment despite making huge strides on that front in the last few months.

Still sweating over my OH’s job vetting and how much scrutiny to the finances they’ll pay. This could lead to some very difficult conversations. Very worrying.

All-in-all, extremely worrying and challenging times. I’m thankful that gambling is not part of it though.

Huge congratulations on the year GF, Michael, it is a great achievement.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate to worry about. Hope things resolve themselves but please, please remember starting to gamble again is just going to compound them all several times over. Control the things you have control over (like not gambling) and try, however hard it is, to reduce the amount of time you worry over the things you cannot control.

Good luck

Muststop123

Day 370

Couldn’t sleep. Guess I have a lot on my mind.

With everything happening at the moment, including schools and colleges closing for all but a few, my daughter made the point last night that today may be her last ever day at school ( she intends to continue her studies at college next year).

Made me think back to the day Gambling first took its grip on me, 2 weeks into her first term of Reception year - when she’d only just turned 4. I can remember her first day at school as if it were yesterday - with the worries and anxieties all parents go through as she left the comfort of Nursery school to enter mainstream education. Hugs and kisses at the school gate, all sorts of emotions, but unbeknown to me at the time, one of the last times before Gambling entered my life.

This illness has plagued me throughout pretty much all of my kids school years. Through all of the school pickups and drop offs, all of the parent evenings, the sports days, the Nativity plays, the school trips, the friends they’ve made, the ups and downs and everything else ... always one constant, the gambling fight has never been far from my thoughts.

How did I ever turn from someone who’d never frequented a bookies or spent a single penny on Roulette or Blackjack, to a compulsive binge gambler overnight is beyond me. What course would my life have taken if I’d never won on that first turn of a card ? Was it a passive urge that I’d eventually succumb to anyway ? Was it inevitable that I’d have this battle sooner or later ? I do on occasion think about this, but don’t afford those thoughts much time. It’s almost ruined me on more than one occasion but I’m still here, 12 years later, still afloat, still working hard to repair what damage I can, with a close family and a ton of happy memories. I’m fast approaching 50 but I still have bags of energy as I go into battle every day.

I’m well over 1 year gamble free now, my debts are reducing, and I’ve somehow managed to hold it together. I know they’ll be battles ahead, but the tide has already turned on this.