Can't afford to Fail

Hi Sally

Its difficult with doctors isnt it most of them are oblivious to mental health disorders & compulsive behavioural conditions. We had a member from my GA group go to the docs for help a few weeks back, his advice was dont do it for a week then come see me next week to see if you feel better!!!

Im at a loss for advice for you.. Im sure you have worked out for yourself that your gambling is a release from the anxieties you face in your daily life, but how to go about making those changes needed for a deeper sense of life satisfaction is difficult. The only thing i can suggest is baby steps. Any improvements are a step in the right direction. Sometimes we will go 2 steps forward & 1 step back but that is still success. Just dont settle for stagnation. Good to hear you walking the dog, maybe extending the walks slowly can help.
I have found that imagining what i would ideally like my life to be like & then writing down how i can go about realistically making this happen a help(this is not to include winning the lottery etc lol). Anyway best of luck. I do believe the solutions lie in creating a life with happiness & self fulfillment are the only way to keep addiction from re entering our lives again

Hi day@atime.

Thank you for your time & advice.

I have read many of your thought provoking posts (& have left a comment on occasion) as I can not agree more with your realisation that compulsive gambling is a symptom of another underlying issue.

It is most definitely not "greed" as everyone on this site has lost money time & time & time again but can still not stop.

I myself do not need any more money, why would I need money? I don't go out to spend any. I neither need or want fancy clothes, shoes, make-up, haircuts or lunches out. I am cheap to keep. I don't spend money. (Isn't my hubby a lucky man!)

I have let myself "stagnate" for too many year.

I know that I must try and do something to change things ... But what?

I can't even imagine my life any other way.

I have trapped myself.

I can't break free because the people that have me "trapped" need me and I do love them.

I sound depressed don't I but actually today.... I don't feel to bad.

xxxxxx

Ahh i see addictions are a very common solution to people who feel they have little purpose but to enable the hopes & dreams of others. People who feel their emotional needs are secondary who feel unheard & helpless to change that. Addiction allows us to believe we are controlling one aspect of our lives on our terms @ least. I would imagine its not the actual act of gambling, although you find release in that too,but the actual decision to gamble that you find most calming. Do you find yourself less anxious & stressed the moment you have decided that you will bet that day, or does actually take the physical act of gambling to calm you

You're right again.

If I had a planned gamble for the next day I was calmer the night before & I would sleep better.

I have read a lot of diaries and although I admit to having a gambling problem and spending money on gambling that would have been better spent elsewhere resulting in feelings of guilt I also do differ from many others here.

My gambling.....

Would normally be planned.

I normally had no problem sticking to my planned budget. (The way I went crazy after 5 days abstinence was unusual for me. I didn't as a rule lose control.)

I did however EXPECT to lose my allotted stake. (I never dreamed of a big win!)

If I was a reasonable amount up I was able to stop and withdraw. (why?? Because by doing so I new that my next planned session could be sooner)

I NEVER reversed a withdrawal... I always had a strict rule that I could not play again until the withdrawal hit my account. (2days)

I put this rule in place on the stupid thought that by doing this the slot would have time to be topped up again by other players so be more likely to pay again.

Now for the really odd one.... If on occasion I won after only a few minutes of play, I would still follow my rule and withdraw the funds but I was left with mixed emotions. Happy I had extra funds for more future gambling sessions and to help with the bills but also CHEATED out of this period of escape.

It was never about the money for me.

OK.... Now you all know how crazy I really am....

Send round the "Men in White Coats" .... I'll go quietly.

Nothing crazy in that. Besides the fact that you managed to withdraw funds & keep a fairly loose planned budget( & that will change the longer you use addiction) your story mirrors almost every story i have heard in my time in recovery, you just have a better understanding of it than most.
I remember the feeling of being cheated when i won quickly as this wasnt in my imagined plan for a days gambling. It would upset me that i wouldnt get what i wanted from that days punting. I wanted to lose slowly all day & then by my skill & heroics win it all back & more @ the last minute. That way it justified what i was doing. If i walked out from the brink of destruction it made me feel a winner in life that i was in complete control of my destiny. It happened very rarely but just enough to keep the lie alive.

I have never met anyone in this illness that when you dig down into their story that it doesnt stem from hurt & pain whether that be real or imagined.
As you so rightly say its never about the money. But for most that is a more comfortable concept to accept than it may be about them & their perceptions of both their life & their relationship with themselves

Sooo me day@atime..... As you said..."I wanted to lose slowly all day & then by my skill & heroics win it all back & more @ the last minute."

Although what skill I thought there was in modern day slots still baffles me!!!

NT... I don't like to admit this but in all honesty I am not sure that I did feel that way. I did win at the start of my slots playing years and maybe did feel a little guilt then but I had been losing my fair share for over a year so in my head I was just getting some of my own losses back from the casinos.

If we start questioning whose money we are winning on the rare occasions that we win then we open a whole new can of worms... We can't go there... I

i like to believe that it is all the same money going round & round.... Sometimes if I had a win the money spent a week in my pocket before going back and being won by you... It would then spend a week in your pocket before you gave it back with a loss..... Each time it when back in to the casino/bookie they would take their 4%

So as proved by everyone here, the only people that ever win every day is the casino and bookies We just pass the rest around and keep adding to the pot with our hard earned wages

xxxx

So how do you go about changing the things you need to change. How does one go about changing the most important relationship in our lives, the one we have with ourselves. Its no good me or the wellwishers on this site telling you your gteat & deserve better because you will never believe that. You need to come to that conclusion yourself. Stop looking for recognition from others, stop people pleasing. Prioritise your needs. Without a better sense of self continued addictive behaviours will always resurface sooner or later. You need the barriers in place which you have done because this is tough & takes a long time with lots of hard work. Where do you think it would be possible to make small changes in your life that could give some impetous to the harder challenges that need to be tackled later. A journey always starts with one small step we dont get to our desired destination in one leap. Patience, honesty & courage are friends you need to embrace in search of what will fill the void you have felt for so long. Breath & take it easy, it will come if you want it enough

Hey you...It's not Gamcare on here supporting us, it's us! I saw the 1st post so I have half an idea as to what has gone down but please don't let it affect your recovery!

You are doing great! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, you are right it is us.

I did not edit my post on the thread that Gamcare locked so what you see written is exactly as was.

I edited my post on NTs diary as on reading it back I could feel the anger in it (Not directed at NT) and I know that those feelings of anger towards the industry is something that NT is trying so hard to let go of to aid his recovery so I didn't want my anger rubbing off on him.

I was so cross that Gamcare could lock a thread that was not abusive in any way but a group of CG's throwing ideas around about things that might help.

I know Gamcare could not implement any of our ideals as it is not what their role is but once all the ideas were in one of us could have tried to put our thoughts forward to the correct place.

I do not have a problem with gambling being available in the UK and would be against a total ban as I feel that this country is already becoming too much of a "policed state" with us being told where we can and can't smoke, what we can & can't eat, how much alchohol we are allowed (If they could limit that they would)

Gambling should not be taken away from those that can enjoy an occasional flutter without problem.

I do however have a problem with the amount & place of advertising.

We were just discussing a way to make it easier for those who want to self exclude and a way to protect our underage gamblers from getting caught up in gambling so young.

I just struggle to understand why the thread was locked when the idea could of worked. (although I am sure that the idea of a card is not new and has already been dismissed by those that could implement it if they chose to.)

xxxx

Thanks NT

I'm still here. Day 33

Happy Easter to everyone.

I am now also addicted to chocolate!!!

Day 34

And yet again I find myself struggling with the ethos of this site!!!

it appears that nothing is unforgivable by one CG to another.

Obviously a CG can do no wrong.... even threats of physical violence are forgiven. (it's not his fault... He's a CG)

Just go ahead, do what you want, hurt loved ones with lies and financial hardship... Then just come on this site, confess all and everyone will forgive you.

Even use foul language and make physical threats... It's all ok and will be forgiven here.

I want no part of it.

I will try and get my diary deleted.

Why have one? I could gamble all night, spend other people's hard earned money, come back tomorrow, confess all and be forgiven and patted on the back for coming back.

Pointless.

The really ironic thing is... You are all responding in the exact way that Stephen thought you would by his post.

Sally
The post you refer to. I dont believe a pat on the back was given for the content of violence or language but from the vary rare on this site genuine insight into the troubled mind of a CG. I for one would rather this site was used for honest debate as to our issues & problems rather than a day count & how much money i have saved. But thats just me. The site on the whole is a bit of a self pity party with people coming to lick their wounds & i guess theres nothing wrong with that. If it frustrates you (as i constantly does me) then perhaps its not for you. Or you could try & add your own inner feelings & thoughts on addiction & your relationship with it & maybe some will join you

No it's not for me day@atime.

I gave it a good go as the idea behind this site is good.

But it is not used right.

It should be a place where we feel accountable.... Not constantly forgiven.

People do & say hurtful things to others then come on here and are made to feel ok about themselve.

They are offered advice regarding putting blocks in place and attending GA meetings... all ignored and then back for more pity and back patting.

This I could cope with, but vile language and threats of throat cutting and STILL it's all ok and poor old CG.

Gambling is already a big problem in the UK and is set to get far worse with the advertising and social acceptance.

This site has helped many but for it to really offer the required help in the future its ethos has to change.

At the moment in is on the most part active CGs leading CGs = The blind leading the blind.

The idea is good as no one understands a CG like another CG but also this idea is flawed by its very concept.

Compulsive Gambling is not ok and should not be forgiven.

I don't forgive myself..... I stop.

Hi Sally, I too had a sleepless night as a result of said post & flagged it as abusive! Out of curiosity, I returned to see what sort of response it had prompted & whilst I understand the sympathy expressed, I cannot forgive the vile language & disgraceful threats made. Not everyone responded the same & I for one will not be revisiting that diary again!

We all have this choice to make & we cannot let another's journey be detrimental to our own recovery! Whatever choice you make, please ensure it is the right one for you! We are masters of our own destiny as far as gambling is concerned & I for one will struggle with the words I read for some time but I will not allow it to interfere with my life!

Be safe whatever you do - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT.

I wish you nothing but happiness in your future.

I have made my decision, this place is really not right for me.

But you ODAAT are an asset to this site and your words have helped me during my short visit.

I will not forget.

Take care and look after number one.

Bye. xxx