No going back

Hi Emzy.

I thought I would drop by your diary to offer you my support. I am not qualified really to give any advice (I slipped up yesterday so am now on day one again but more determined than ever.) except to read other peoples diaries as they do not only contain some great advice but also make us realise that we are not alone and can all take on this fight together.

I am thinking of you and willing you the strength to beat this horrible addiction.

We can beat it together. xx

I hope so Sally.
Thanks for the support. Been reading the diaries on and off all day. Some great advice but also knowing im not the only one who feels like this. Seems its very similar reasons why we are all drawn to it.
im hoping to really do it this time. Ive already excluded from the sites I use and have a block on my internet but as I have found in the past there are ways round these. Im driving on pure will power now and hoping i can do this.
Sorry you had a slip yesterday but today is a new day. Im sure we can do this together one day at a time xx

Hi again,

Willpower didn't work for me, I folded after 5 days & went even crazier than normal!!

i did try a blocker on my computer but my works IT department removed it claiming it was the cause of some problems I was having.

Today I cancelled my debit card. (I only have one account and no credit cards.) this will make depositing online impossible.

I can still have my Direct Debits and can do bill payments online but I won't be able to shop on line and will have to make a trip in to the bank each week with some ID to take cash out for the weekly shopping etc. (I can get hubby or friend to help if I want to order anything online.)

it will be a pain but I think I need to do it. At least for a while.

Have a good evening and check in here again tomorrow if possible. I'll be looking out for you.

xxx

Another day done. Dont feel great but im sure that proud feeling will come eventually. Going to bed with a little less stress I hope.

Have agreed to join an exercise class next week just to get my self in to a routine other than work, gamble, sleeplessness. Hoping to find me again underneath all this worry and stress. I want my life back

Exercise has helped me a lot, Emzy.

I do the 2015 Challenge on the Forum. I'm on Day 46 "clean". Very much one day at a time. Difficult at times but it can be done. I'm still as determined as ever. No room for complacency though. More at peace with myself now.

Take Care Now.

Morning Emzy,

Well I am proud of you.... No gambling day & joined an exercise class! The only exercise I get is down to the fact that my house does not have a downstairs cloakroom & I drink way too much tea. ha,ha.

I had the same routine as you so can understand what you mean. I am not sure yet how I am going to fill my days, yesterday I actually found myself watching "The Walton's" which CAN'T be allowed to continue!!

wishing you a good day.

Thanks for the comments guys. Im truly amazed at the support on this site. Just what I need.
nothing worse than being stuck with the guilt feeling alone and then the moment where you think.... if I did gamble no one would know. I could have a little treat. Thing is I read all your stories and i all I see is me. The guilt. The depression. The financial burden we all give ourselves.
I recently had counselling for something childhood related. The gambling was brought up but when I said I use it to escape the reality of things I was told it was an excuse.
After reading the diaries I see alot of this. People with other issues that are just to big to face and so a night on the slots is a evening of not being in reality for me at least.
I am a very controlled person in everything. which drives me mad that I got in to this. I feel as though I have let myself and my family down and cannot understand how I ended up here.
But here I am and I know I can do this but my own mind still argues with its self. I know I can convince myself that one more go won't do any harm.... this is the cycle im here to break.

There is no one more go or last go. There is no spare money... I have debts. There is no treat in gambling just misery.
ive come close to taking my own life in the past gambling being the icing on the cake. But I chose to live because as much as im weak to this evil I am a strong person in every other aspect of my life. I have been to hell and back in my life and none of it my fault yet I chose to add gambling to my list of misery and thats the worst feeling that I did this to myself.
So the difference this time is....
I know it has to be no gambling ever.
There is no... just one go
There is no excuse to have a little go
I am in charge of me and I want my life back

Have a happy gamble free day everyone x

The waltons !!!
Surly you can do better than that Sally lol. Im currently off work sick so im stuck at home with nothing to do but I may have to skip the waltons :-/
Gonna catch up on house work I hope and keep busy x

Today has been a very odd day.
Felt very down and today would of been a gamble day any other time. Not a lot of money in the bank so that would of made me think I could double it at least.
Feeling sorry for myself just because im off work sick and have very little to do.

I didn't gamble a penny.

I made out a list of finances going out and the wage coming in. Next month is already looking bleak due to less pay being off sick.

I thought to myself if i did gamble I would not withdraw if I won because I never do anymore.
I would feel 10 times worse after the event and I would have made a tough situation impossible.

just spoke to my OH on the phone as he works away and im glad I didn't gamble today. I didn't feel the guilt I would of felt knowing he's away working hard to earn money that in the past he has had to use to bail me out from loosing the house.
he hasn't moved in yet and as much as I would love him to I know I have to get this problem under control first. So there's a goal in its self. I get my sole mate living with me if I can stay off the site's.

plus sides up to now....

all bills paid... minimum but paid.
Food in house.
petrol in car.
did not waste a penny today.

Feeling better about tomorrow already xx

getting my life back x

Morning Emzy

Welcome to Friday, another gamble free day and a day closer to the rewards of your sole mate being with you.

i hope you have a happier day today, I found that the more obsessed I was over the family finances and whether we were going to have enough coming in to pay the bills this month, next month, the month after, the more the urge to try and win some extra to help became stronger. I hate not knowing what we will earn this week, month, year (Being both self employed with no set pay days!) But I guess I need to somehow let go a bit as the gambling was not the answer.

I will be thinking of you today. xx

Your story seemd to mirror my own - great decision to come on here i find it really helps. I installed a blocker which really helps too. Just take it one day at a time xxxxx Good Luck xxxx

Hi Emzy,

Your feelings will be different every day, try and put positives in front of the negatives,

You are doing fine, just take one day at a time, and don't look too far ahead, it takes the pressure off.

Keep.strong and determined and win again today.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for the comments guys. Really appreciate it.

Feel ok this morning. Guessing once im back to work I will feel better due to having less time to dwell.

good idea about not obsessing over bills. I agree it made yesterday a hard day. They will be there no matter what at the end of the month.
such a lot of destruction for such a small selfish pleasure. Any way another day.
OH is trying to get back this weekend to spend some time with me. That would be just what I need right now but work is work and you have have to take it when it's there.

Keep winning
em xx

accepting the illness for what it is is the most challenging task i have

so often the ADDICTION tells me i'm not that bad

i have to remind myself i am

your commiting to this recovery emzy keep going

tri xxx