Can't afford to Fail

Hi Sally,

It's good to vent out on our diaries that's what they are for lol, to write the positive as well as the negative.

Try and take positives from negstives even if it's very minor, a fellow soldier on here said months ago gambling fries the brain, and she wasn't wrong, but gambling is an escape from the issue we had before we gambled, and because nothing has changed since stopping gambling, you know it's not the gambling.

Nothing changes my friend if nothing changes, think what you want to change, think of you if that makes sense,

We have to do this ourselves, from within if that makes sense, one little step at a time, and one day at a time,

It's a rollercoaster journey, with many ups and downs, am sure you will feel sooo different tomorrow and you will feel stronger,

Just keep pushing through the day, even if it's a minute at a time.

Take care and stay safe walking along side with you hun

Suzanne xx

Sally you ok??

Sally I hope you are ok. I have fell into depression before so I can relate. I was on anti depressants for 3 years and they can help (although they are not for everyone) I hope you find your way back here xxxxx

Hi all & thanks for your kind messages.

I am back.

I got to the doctors and have now been on antidepressants for almost a week.

Still no gambling despite my new bank card turning up and AGAIN being a visa debit card despite my request for a Cashcard only.

Luckily I was so cross with the bank that I was on the phone to them before even having time to get tempted to gamble.

Long story short....

This 2nd new card was cancelled immediately. They told me that for them to issue me with a Cashcard only my account needed to be downgraded to a basic bank account. This has now been done and I am now waiting for card number 3.

It has not been hard not to gamble because it has not been an option so the decision has not been mine.

Do I feel any better? Not yet but I am told to give the pills a couple of weeks to start to take effect.

Just feel numb & empty.

Hi Sally good to see you back , well done on still not gambling :0) and the efforts with the bank the tablets do take time been on mine about 4 months and I dunno if they help or not but I have got to the the only way is upwards stage so hopefully they attually do and it's not just a phase haha be kind to yourself hun and know your not alone I'm thankful to be walking along side you xx

Hi Sally,

The aftermath of gambling really does take it out of us, and our moods and feelings change like the weather, am sure you will start to feel better soon,

Keep going and try to think of all the positives with not gambling.

Take care.

Suzanne xxx

Very proud of you Sally. You did so well with the bank card situation. Hope your patting yourself on the back xx

Hi all.

Well it's Monday morning again but I am beginning to feel better. My head does not feel so fuzzy, I have a little energy and am getting a few things done. (maybe the pills are starting to work.)

Can't quite believe that I have been gamble free for a whole 27 days.

I can't take credit for this as by getting rid of my debit card I made it impossible for me to gamble even though there have been days when I would most definitely have given in and made a deposit if it had been possible for me to do so.

I don't think I will ever be able to have a debit card again.

I have thought a lot about my gambling "need" and am going to try and take Day@atimes advice regarding fixing other areas in my life that need mending.... But oh wow... There are many areas!!!

I have started by going outside for at least 20 mins each day. Walking my dog just round the block. She loves it and can do with the extra walk (My son takes her for a proper one each evening) as she is a little overweight. This has been hard but once I have walked for just 10 minutes I tell myself that it is just as quick for me to do the full round trip as it would be for me to let the rising panic inside win and turn round to rush home.

I would like to look for an extra part time job that would force me out the house and maybe even make some new friends. Nothing too stressful, I would like to do something like checkout at a large supermarket. I could do this a few mornings a week and still keep my main self employed role as things have been so quiet.

I will keep looking but the local one to me is not hireing at the moment.

Thanks again for all the posts of support.

I feel a little bit of a fraud using this diary as although my big gambling problem brought me here, I can't gamble now even if I want to so feel unsure if I should still be here.

Sending love & positive thoughts to all.

xxx

Great work on 27 days & yes, you absolutely should still be here, so long as you want to be! Broken triangles don't stop us being CG's & for most, it's the only way to stay safely in recovery! If people stop posting @ this stage, I for one would have let my guard down & slipped back into it!

Great work with the dog, double benefit as the 'fresh' air will be doing you just as much good as overcoming your fear!

You should be very proud of you!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, I will stick around as the people here are all so wonderful.

You're right about the fresh air being good for me, the Doc actually said that a lack of natural sunlight can lead to depression. (something to do with vitamin D & serotonin)

don't get me wrong, I do go out on occasion, most weeks I do get myself to Tesco or Sainsburys but it's something I find hard. I am better when the outing is "unplanned" spur of the moment. If I have to book ahead (As with going to the doctors) as the day/time gets closer I start to panic and will find myself cancelling if possible.

So, I guess most weeks I only leave the house once to do the food shop.

I am managing, so far, to walk my dog as there is no pressure, I can go anytime I suddenly feel ready to go or I know I can not go if I never feel ready.

Thanks again for dropping by, I always look out for all the posts you make on diaries. You're support of others is amazing.

I don't feel qualified to give much advice yet. (except to implement the triangle system which has soooo worked for me.)

Have a wonderful gamble free evening ODAAT. xxxxxxxx

*** just for a laugh.... The Doc also offered me counciling for my "going out problem"...... If I could agree and comit to go out to a planned meeting once a week at a set time without a problem I wouldn't need to go in the first place. Ha, ha. (needless to say I declined & he didn't even question my decline!!!)

That beggars belief, it really does :-0

I've heard the bit about the sunlight but not sure it's in much supply here @ the best of times 🙁 still doesn't stop us hoping 😉

I get the whole pre-planned stuff...My issue being physical contact! Not that any of my family would (except my little sis (RIP), once, but she was no match for me & I was off outta the estate before she'd taken 2 steps) try it but if the In-Laws-to-be can catch me unawares, it's game on! If they move too slow or from too far away, they get a Jackie Chan style move that wouldn't have looked out of place in the Karate Kid films of yesteryear 🙁 They know the risks 😉

Maybe don't teach the dog to fetch it's lead..Our one gets his own harness but we have to leave it attached to the lead until we are ready now coz it didn't take him too long to cotton on to fetching it & sitting with it @ the bottom the stairs, where we get him ready, looking forlorn!

Fanx for the kind words, I don't feel I deserve them but it's always good to hear they are of use! Keep doing what you are doing & only push when you are ready!

You will get there - ODAAT

Tuesday. Day 28

Really wanted to gamble today, bored, miss the buzz, got some money in my account so to be honest I have been trying to find ways to open a new account and deposit. Stupid I know. But the urges today are strong.

No good though, no active debit card. No other way to deposit

So no option but to make it to day 29 tomorrow. (hope tomorrow I will not feel the same as today.)

I have not walked my darling dog yet today and she keeps looking at me with hopeful eyes. Only been doing it for a few days and she already is growing to expect it.

Guess I better go walk. Can't say no to those big brown eyes. (never can... That's why she is overweight!)

Wishing everyone a good day.

One Day At A Time does it Sally!

It's kinda cool that you can't say no to those eyes...Don't underestimate her, she probably knows how good it is for you to get out! There are even a few rays of sunshine fighting through the London smog today...You gotta move pretty quick to stay under one but as we say, it sure turned out nice again!

Have you tried some of the online games that have a set number of lives thus limiting the time you spend on them?

It's 4 wonderful weeks of winning for you today & the urges are still hoping they can lure you back in...They get easier to kick! Keep looking after you - ODAAT

Hi Sally. You're doing really well so give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far. It's not easy but you're battling through and that shows real strength of character.

Thanks for the words of encouragement they were much needed yesterday as the urge kept up most of the day.

But today is day 29 and the 1st of April. I really plan for April to be my first full calendar month gamble free.

No gambling transactions will be seen on Aprils statement I promise. That will feel soooooo good.

Don't be an April Fool today..... Don't gamble !!!