Day 1 of a new start

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. 

I have lived with the shame, guilt and embarrassment of addiction for 18 months. Today, I opened up to my husband and partner of nearly 13 years about my problem gambling on online slots.

For me, as likely for many others, it started as a way out (haha) of debt. I believed I was stronger and more intelligent than addiction. I have not really ever entertained drugs and the thought of excessive drinking is alien to me - I thought this would be the same. I have never experienced this 'inner voice' that can outrank all logic and sense and convince me that 'another go' would give me another win. The wins keep you in, because you think if you did it once, you can do it again. I have had periods on and off over 18 months, but it's always that possibility of a win to nudge my situation and make it better that drew me back in. 

I have struggled to come to terms with 'addiction' and am still educating myself about what that means and represents for me. It feels sickening to be a term I associate with myself, but it is one I think I have to associate with in order to move forward. I hope to continue this diary as a means of staying accountable to myself, but also to the rest of you on here. 

I can say with all hope and certainty I never want to find myself down that path again. I think of myself as a very intelligent person, but when I reflect on thoughts I had about what I could achieve by gambling 'just a bit more', I think it is madness. It's like another version of me. Part of my problem is that it was another me, but I didn't acknowledge it, didn't give it the time of day for long and buried it so, so deep. Feelings of low self-worth, low self-esteem were still present, so it obviously wasn't as deep as I imagined.

I told my husband today. I had spent days preparing for it, preparing for the worst. I had thoughts of how I would have to start again, of how I had ruined his life inadvertently. He has come from a family of addicts and I never, ever thought I would bring that to his doorstep. I think part of me hiding it for so long was admitting that I had hurt him, just as much as they had. We have had countless conversations about how growing up around addiction affected him and I am so ashamed that I am another person that has brought him heartbreak and addiction. It is obviously only day 1 of an incredibly long road. He has taken the news with so much grace, decorum and strength today. I don't even deserve an ounce of him. The kindness he has shown has given me strength. I know not every day will be easy and I know his feelings towards the situation and towards me will fluctuate. I am ready for that. I can handle that. I think it's easier than the beating I have given myself mentally on multiple occasions. 

Honestly right now? Although telling someone and opening up was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life, mentally, I feel the strongest I have felt in a long time. I've had periods of low sleep, crying in my car and strong feelings of impending doom. I have added blocks with Gamban, done a 5 year auto-renewal on Gamstop, self-referred to a local service and am making plans to tackle my debt. I feel some sense of hope for the first time in a while that I am more than just a person who has made stupid decisions. I am joining tonight's chat room and hope to join the women's group on Tuesday. I have so much to look forward to in my life; I am surrounded by so much love. I need to give it to myself too. 

I look forward to joining you all on this journey and to also helping to support other people. This forum has been instrumental to me in moving forward.