Day 65 second time around

This post is as uncomfortable second time round as it was the first - where to start? At the beginning is always a good place but that's a little deep for now so, in brief here it is.

I woke up one morning a few years ago, a middle aged woman (vanity makes me make it clear that it is early middle age 😉 ), own house, good job, beautiful child and realised that I had problem with gambling, and that my life was a few bad decisions away from everything falling apart. Here I am, 4 years later, still have a good job and beautiful child (albeit a hormonal teen now) but now living in a rented house because I had to sell my home to pay off gambling debt. As seems to be par for the course, although I got myself straight and debt free, that gave my weak brain permission to start gambling again, always online slots but only what I could afford I told myself, after all, I no longer had to pay credit cards and loan payments, and I did enjoy gambling, told myself it was my treat, I didn't go out drinking, this was my entertainment. Only, it wasn't just what I could afford was it, you all know the rest, spending more than I had so then chasing what I had lost and ending up with barely enough money to cover the bills let alone buy food some months, although somehow I always managed. So, last year found Gamcare, got an iva, sorted out my 'new' debt, built up a nice run of around 100 days gf, got fed up with Gamcare and decided to go it alone. I continued to live gf for another 4 months until some things cropped up all in one month that I couldn't afford, so I reverted back to bad habits immediately and tried to 'win' the money to get me out of a hole (like that ever worked in the past). Whoosh, back to square one. Carried on living by the skin of my pants for a few months then had a complete breakdown at Christmas. Took the phone plug out of the wall, took the battery out of my mobile, cut off the entire world apart from my child. Played good mum quite well actually, Bubs still has no idea how bad it got for me, I just cried myself to sleep every night once I got to bed and dosed myself up with happy pills during the day. Complete loony tunes isn't an option, my child doesn't have anyone else apart from me. I contacted my IP in the New Year, they were brilliant, and am now back on the wagon. I booked counselling and was due to go for my initial consultation on Monday but couldn't face going. It's not because I think I've cracked it being on 65 days again, if I'm honest, it's because I'm fearful of someone else looking into my murky past. I've had the appointment booked for around a month, and imagined the sort of questions they would ask me. That in itself was very cathartic, and I think I have been able to pinpoint what the trigger was back in 2007 when it all started. I feel at peace with my 'enlightenment' for want of a better word, but not able to talk to anyone else about it, certainly not a stranger, not just yet. So, that's where I'm at.

I'm still considering all my options. One thing that becomes clearer by the day being on here, is that no one ever says 'I gambled again and it was great! I'm so glad I did it' - so why do we do it? Why? I'm determined not to self-destruct again, but because I have slipped once before, I don't feel I am in the best place to give advice, so I'm reading and learning (or at least trying).

Best of luck on your own journeys to anyone who's reading this, and finally feeling hopeful about mine.

Twinklyr